Should I say something?

[Carotte]

Any way you can talk to the grandma? Maybe she could be more receptive to it, and depending on the family dynamic could try and take maters into her hands (I'm not saying I would be fine with my mother going above my head regarding something to do with the kids I don't have, and some people will stay mad even if proved wrong and all, but isn't it bordering on child neglect if the mother doesn't do anything?)

[Carotte]

Oh, just thought about something that you could try for your sake of understanding the girl and that could benefit the girl too of course, sign language.
Seems like even babies can pick up simple things like 'milk' or 'more' so a 4 year old shouldn't have much trouble. I think that if you stick with vocabulary or simple verbs it could be 'fast' and easy. Really speaking with sign language would require real classes I guess or at least much more commitment.
And it's not something I can see the mom fussing over (I could be wrong of course, not knowing the mom)

[*inviteseller]

I talked with the mom again when she picked her up Wednesday.  I bluntly told her that she was very animated that day, telling me all sorts of stories, but I could not understand her.  She just said "yeah, we just make her repeat it until she gets mad".  The poor thing was trying to tell me what she wanted to eat and I could NOT understand her (nor could my DD!).  I have said something to Grandma (who I have known for 20 years) and she said "I know, but they don't want to do anything".  I am just going to keep repeating words, telling her to slow down and repeat for me, and hope they wise up.  I only know a few words of sign language Carotte, but I think that would be overstepping because they don't know signing so it really would not help.  It frustrates me, because we have had discussions about what I have gone through with my DD and she knows the programs I use for her but she just laughs off that her caretaker keeps repeating that she cannot understand her!!

[sweetonsno]

I talked with the mom again when she picked her up Wednesday.  I bluntly told her that she was very animated that day, telling me all sorts of stories, but I could not understand her.  She just said "yeah, we just make her repeat it until she gets mad".  The poor thing was trying to tell me what she wanted to eat and I could NOT understand her (nor could my DD!).  I have said something to Grandma (who I have known for 20 years) and she said "I know, but they don't want to do anything".  I am just going to keep repeating words, telling her to slow down and repeat for me, and hope they wise up.  I only know a few words of sign language Carotte, but I think that would be overstepping because they don't know signing so it really would not help.  It frustrates me, because we have had discussions about what I have gone through with my DD and she knows the programs I use for her but she just laughs off that her caretaker keeps repeating that she cannot understand her!!

That's a difficult situation because in that case, her speech difficulties are interfering with your ability to care for her. If she got hurt or sick, it might be a real problem. Could you get a traveler's picture dictionary for your home? That way, the girl could clearly and quickly communicate her needs to you while she's at your house.

[Aeris]

I talked with the mom again when she picked her up Wednesday.  I bluntly told her that she was very animated that day, telling me all sorts of stories, but I could not understand her.  She just said "yeah, we just make her repeat it until she gets mad".  The poor thing was trying to tell me what she wanted to eat and I could NOT understand her (nor could my DD!).  I have said something to Grandma (who I have known for 20 years) and she said "I know, but they don't want to do anything".  I am just going to keep repeating words, telling her to slow down and repeat for me, and hope they wise up.  I only know a few words of sign language Carotte, but I think that would be overstepping because they don't know signing so it really would not help.  It frustrates me, because we have had discussions about what I have gone through with my DD and she knows the programs I use for her but she just laughs off that her caretaker keeps repeating that she cannot understand her!!

It may be that the parents keep hearing you saying you can't understand her and think "Yeah, we know, but that's normal for some kids, right?" or "Yeah, but she's little, she'll totally outgrow this". These conversations actually strike me as less them not wanting to pursue anything and more as them simply not realizing there might be something they ought to consider pursuing.

Have you come right out and said "She may not outgrow this - if you want to look into speech therapy for her, I'd be happy to make some recommendations"? Or perhaps you could bring up the possibility of a hearing issue? I apparently mangled words much like you describe as a child, and it was all due to be being unable to hear properly (related to allergies and ear infections). Once the underlying problem were cleared up (cutting out the extraordinary number of allergens), I apparently started to learn to speak just fine, but it was quite problematic before that.

[MommyPenguin]

I agree that the parents may not realize that you are trying to say that this is *not* typical and that it's a problem.   They really might just think that this is what kids of this age are like.  And if they don't know as much about speech problems as you do, they may not realize that kids can run into long-term problems if they don't get help early enough.

[*inviteseller]

I am going to talk with Grandma on Wednesday when she drops her off and tell her straight off that they need to get her evaluated and how to do it.  Mom just laughs and says "I know" when I bring it up and then walks away so it is not a priority to her (and that's her decision).  Maybe Grandma can get through to her.  Mom does know exactly what I have gone through with the testing and who my DD sees ..she works in a dr's office right next to where my DD goes for her therapy and we have ridden to bus together in the mornings to get there.  I did not beat around the bush last week..I told her straight off I could NOT understand her and she just laughed it off.  The problem is it requires alot of time and dedication and the parents seem overwhelmed just by working then coming home to the kids.  They are a nice couple, just unbelievably clueless.  I don't want to stop watching her because it helps them out (yes, they do pay me,,,barely), but it is getting frustrating! 

[LadyL]

I am going to talk with Grandma on Wednesday when she drops her off and tell her straight off that they need to get her evaluated and how to do it.  Mom just laughs and says "I know" when I bring it up and then walks away so it is not a priority to her (and that's her decision).  Maybe Grandma can get through to her.  Mom does know exactly what I have gone through with the testing and who my DD sees ..she works in a dr's office right next to where my DD goes for her therapy and we have ridden to bus together in the mornings to get there.  I did not beat around the bush last week..I told her straight off I could NOT understand her and she just laughed it off.  The problem is it requires alot of time and dedication and the parents seem overwhelmed just by working then coming home to the kids.  They are a nice couple, just unbelievably clueless.  I don't want to stop watching her because it helps them out (yes, they do pay me,,,barely), but it is getting frustrating!

I'm wondering if you can use this as leverage - i.e. "I need to be able to understand your daughter, especially in the event of an emergency. Her speech does not seem where it should be for her age. If the issue is not addressed I may have to rethink whether I am the best caretaker for her." From what you're describing, her speech is almost on the level of a disability, and you are a baby sitter not a speech therapist/social worker/aid to the disabled/etc.

[Cami]

I am going to talk with Grandma on Wednesday when she drops her off and tell her straight off that they need to get her evaluated and how to do it.  Mom just laughs and says "I know" when I bring it up and then walks away so it is not a priority to her (and that's her decision).  Maybe Grandma can get through to her.  Mom does know exactly what I have gone through with the testing and who my DD sees ..she works in a dr's office right next to where my DD goes for her therapy and we have ridden to bus together in the mornings to get there.  I did not beat around the bush last week..I told her straight off I could NOT understand her and she just laughed it off.  The problem is it requires alot of time and dedication and the parents seem overwhelmed just by working then coming home to the kids.  They are a nice couple, just unbelievably clueless.  I don't want to stop watching her because it helps them out (yes, they do pay me,,,barely), but it is getting frustrating!

Honestly, having watched that relative of mine struggle and work so hard to overcome a speech disability greatly exacerbated by her mother's refusal to do anything about it, I would not be able to keep quiet when this woman laughed. It would be an effort not to go off on her. So at the bare minimum, when she laughed, I'd ask her, "May I ask what is so amusing about a possible hearing loss in your child?" And then I'd wait for her to answer that question and proceed accordingly, which might involve releasing her from my care and/or calling CPS to see if this is a form of reportable neglect.

[*inviteseller]

Because it is not a health concern, it is not reportable.  And I was blunt when I told her that I could.not.understand.her and she just laughed so she is less than concerned.  I have thought about not watching her anymore, but it is more of a favor to Grandma as she works nights and takes the few hours I watch her to go home and go to sleep.  They say they can't afford to put her into a daycare program so I gave them info on options for assistance but they never called.  I gave them a list of enrichment summer camps for their son ( and scholarship info for them but they never called.  They are just not willing to go the extra steps.  I am going to bring it up to grandma Wednesday and if she doesn't get through to them, then yes, I am going to stop watching her...it is frustrating because she wants to play games and do make believe and I have no idea what she is saying and she gets mad because I keep asking her to repeat herself.

[WillyNilly]

...she wants to play games and do make believe and I have no idea what she is saying and she gets mad because I keep asking her to repeat herself.

This is heartbreaking - she's going to have a hard if not impossible time making friends.

[anonymousmac]

I did not beat around the bush last week..I told her straight off I could NOT understand her and she just laughed it off. 

That poor child.  Please, please be very explicit and direct to the mother:  "She really needs to be evaluated.  Here is the phone number.  They can send someone to your house to work with her."  (or whatever the process is).  I realize that you're not a mandated reporter, but it sounds like you are the only one who is in a position to tell the parents how to get this girl the help she desperately needs.  How lonely and frustrated she must feel.

If the mother still acts like she's not going to do anything, is there a school district or something similar that you can call to ask for how this can be reported or how to request for someone to contact the family?

Please don't just say "I can't understand her" and expect the parents to know what that means and step up; clearly they aren't doing that.  Please be as blunt as necessary to convince them to get the help she clearly needs.  I know it's not your responsibility, but you sound like a very good person, and this child truly needs help that she's not getting.

[TootsNYC]

I talked with the mom again when she picked her up Wednesday.  I bluntly told her that she was very animated that day, telling me all sorts of stories, but I could not understand her.  She just said "yeah, we just make her repeat it until she gets mad".  The poor thing was trying to tell me what she wanted to eat and I could NOT understand her (nor could my DD!).  I have said something to Grandma (who I have known for 20 years) and she said "I know, but they don't want to do anything".  I am just going to keep repeating words, telling her to slow down and repeat for me, and hope they wise up.  I only know a few words of sign language Carotte, but I think that would be overstepping because they don't know signing so it really would not help.  It frustrates me, because we have had discussions about what I have gone through with my DD and she knows the programs I use for her but she just laughs off that her caretaker keeps repeating that she cannot understand her!!

Given that you are a caregiver for this child, I just don't understand why it is you don't say to them, "I would like you to have her seen by a professional. I cannot do my job properly, because I can't understand what she is saying when she tells me what she wants to eat.
   "Here is the name of the person I trust with this sort of issue. Or would you like me to call and make an appointment for you? Or would you be willing to authorize me to take her for the first evaluation?"

This is a serious issue.

You absolutely have standing here--you are the child's caregiver. And I would say that in a way, you *do* have responsibility. That's exactly why some people don't want to become babysitters or regular caregivers. Because that *is* part of the responsibility you take on.

Were I in your shoes, I might even be saying, "If you don't get her in to see a professional in one week, I will not be able to care for her anymore." Hoping that this sort of "yowzers, we're about to lose our babysitter!!" threat will get them to ACT.

And I'm not so sure that this isn't a form of abuse. I think that folks like CPS might actually intervene.

Oh, and you did too beat around the bush--You didn't say, "She needs to be seen by a professional. This is very serious, and you need to act."

[Calypso]

As you may already know through your daughter's speech therapist, an inability to self-monitor and distinguish the sounds one is making is a huge problem when it comes time to learn to read and spell. And (depending on the cause) the solution is so simple (although not necessarily cheap---I don't know if speech therapy is covered by the parent's insurance).

I can tell you from my years as a remedial teacher that what can be fixed fairly quickly at 4 becomes months of work at 8 and being many grade levels behind at 10, and it's so unnecessary. But man, did we ever have to deal with parents who thought their kids would just "grow out of it." The ones that really broke my heart were the teenagers, who got shoved into inadequate special ed programs they didn't belong in at an early age and by their teens were depressed and defeated. They were, every single one of them, so darn smart. It was such a waste; although by that age we could still help them become literate, I was never able to get one of them to really love reading and academic work.

My heart goes out to your young neighbor, and to you. It's got to hurt like anything to see a child mis-served like this. If the parents want to PM me, I'd be happy to talk with them.

[*inviteseller]

Toots...I am just a family friend/neighbor who helps out when the mom's grandmother is working, or because she is currently taking overnights, get some sleep.  I am not a professional by any stretch.  Even if she authorized me, they will not do evaluations with out the parent/legal guardian there...appointments yes, but the eval has to have a parent there. Also, our CYF system is so overburdened that a speech impediment would not even register on their radar for neglect.   And Calypso, I do know that the longer it takes to get help, the harder it is to correct...we took a break for 3 months from my DD's when she had major heart surgery then developed some complications and we had to really work to make up what had gone by the wayside and she was still quite young. I would love to have them PM you to get some advice, but they don't have a computer (and don't get me started about computer for educational purposes for kids vs. dad's new drum set)  Anonymousmac..I am going to be blunt with the grandmom (who I have known for 20+ years) and who also knows there is an issue.  Maybe between the 2 of us, we can get the mom to listen to us.  The mom is a nice enough woman and the dad and I get along..and they are not some young kids.  They are 28 & 32 with an older DS..they are just either lazy or oblivious.