Family Photo...Help!

[rose red]

Whenever I'm "forced" to take a picture, I take a deep breath and remind myself these people know what I look like.  A picture is not going to suddenly make them think I'm uglier or prettier.  Even with a bad one, they'll just blame the camera/lighting/angle.

And who knows?  I used to think I was so fat and unattractive and did not want that image captured forever.  20+ years later, those pictures make me realize I looked darn cute and wonder how I couldn't see that back then, from both the mirror and in print.

[Yvaine]

Whenever I'm "forced" to take a picture, I take a deep breath and remind myself these people know what I look like.  A picture is not going to suddenly make them think I'm uglier or prettier.  Even with a bad one, they'll just blame the camera/lighting/angle.

And who knows?  I used to think I was so fat and unattractive and did not want that image captured forever.  20+ years later, those pictures make me realize I looked darn cute and wonder how I couldn't see that back then, from both the mirror and in print.

And in my experience, no one even notices if someone else "looks bad" in the picture. In my family, everyone is hypercritical of the way their own self looks in the picture but blind to the flaws of the others in it. Each of us agrees that every family picture includes twenty pageant winners and one toad. We just all think we're the toad. 

It's like when you think you've been awkward at a gathering but nobody really noticed because they were too self-conscious about whether they were being awkward.

[icfrugal2]

Thanks.   

Yeah, as far as I know, it will be taken on the day of the wedding.  Most likely, I'll just stay quiet and put up with it.  We never really see them, but we're still on good terms, and I don't want to either hurt her feelings or be talked about for years to come as "the ogre who ruined her cousin's wedding".  Being "forced" to have my picture taken almost sends me into a panic attack, but I like the way it was put here.  Big group, no one but the bride and groom standing out. 

My mother isn't too thrilled about it either, so at least I'm not the only one! 

2/20/13

I don't know if this is along the same lines or not but ....

In the first years when I was with my DH an uncle died and I was concerned about my makeup etc and my DH said no one is looking at you. It sounds mean, but he meant that as long as I was dressed for the event I was fine. I feel that those were words of wisdom, and it helps me and yes I HATE to have my picture taken you are right who is that women in the pictures.

IC
 

[TurtleDove]

I am glad the OP has found a way to handle this - I am certain your family will appreciate your presence at the wedding and in the photo!  Breathe, relax, and enjoy the wedding!

A few posters mentioned that it is bullying to ask someone to be in a photo when you know they don't like to have their photo taken.  I disagree.  I actually think refusing to be in a group photo is SS for a few reasons: 1) it makes the event about you, when it really isn't; 2) it creates tension in what should be a happy event; 3) it deprives current and future generations of the joy of seeing the family all together.  The thing that I think is most SS is that it draws attention to the person refusing to be photographed, which makes my brain hurt a bit because that would make everyone look at the person more and focus on the person, when if I am undertanding correctly the person does not want to be noticed. 

[Venus193]

I am glad the OP has found a way to handle this - I am certain your family will appreciate your presence at the wedding and in the photo!  Breathe, relax, and enjoy the wedding!

A few posters mentioned that it is bullying to ask someone to be in a photo when you know they don't like to have their photo taken.  I disagree.  I actually think refusing to be in a group photo is SS for a few reasons: 1) it makes the event about you, when it really isn't; 2) it creates tension in what should be a happy event; 3) it deprives current and future generations of the joy of seeing the family all together.  The thing that I think is most SS is that it draws attention to the person refusing to be photographed, which makes my brain hurt a bit because that would make everyone look at the person more and focus on the person, when if I am undertanding correctly the person does not want to be noticed.

Only when the person's wish is not being respected and the ones demanding participation push the issue.  If the scenario went:

Camera-adverse:  I'd really rather not; excuse me.
Photographer (or other):  OK.

...nobody would care.

[TurtleDove]

Only when the person's wish is not being respected and the ones demanding participation push the issue.  If the scenario went:

Camera-adverse:  I'd really rather not; excuse me.
Photographer (or other):  OK.

...nobody would care.

I think several posters have explained why they would care.  At any rate, we can agree to disagree.

[Aeris]

I am glad the OP has found a way to handle this - I am certain your family will appreciate your presence at the wedding and in the photo!  Breathe, relax, and enjoy the wedding!

A few posters mentioned that it is bullying to ask someone to be in a photo when you know they don't like to have their photo taken.  I disagree.  I actually think refusing to be in a group photo is SS for a few reasons: 1) it makes the event about you, when it really isn't; 2) it creates tension in what should be a happy event; 3) it deprives current and future generations of the joy of seeing the family all together.  The thing that I think is most SS is that it draws attention to the person refusing to be photographed, which makes my brain hurt a bit because that would make everyone look at the person more and focus on the person, when if I am undertanding correctly the person does not want to be noticed.

Only when the person's wish is not being respected and the ones demanding participation push the issue.  If the scenario went:

Camera-adverse:  I'd really rather not; excuse me.
Photographer (or other):  OK.

...nobody would care.

Why are you bringing up 'demanding participation'? Who in this thread ever talked about 'demanding participation'? No one in the OP's situation is 'demanding participation'. Where did this come from? Why did you bring the idea of 'bullying' in from out of nowhere when that's completely unrelated to everything in this thread?

I think refusing to be in a family picture at a family wedding is fairly self-centered and SS, but I wouldn't 'demand participation' of someone who declined. I'm anti-photogenic as all get out, but group/family pics just aren't all about me, and making a big brouhaha of not being in the picture would *make* it all about me.

[Aeris]

This just smells to me of being an unwelcome set up for a lot of people, you go expecting to be a wedding guest but SURPRISE we're going to take a group photo now (insert cheesy smile).  I would feel ambushed and I know a lot of people hate that sort of thing.

Don't most people expect to get their photo taken at a family wedding?  And they're not surprising the OP with this, they're letting her know quite a bit ahead of time.  I wouldn't say that it's bullying or an ambush to ask family members to pose at a wedding.

I agree - how in the world is it so utterly shocking to be in a group family photo at a family wedding? Every wedding I've been to had a whole series of family shots involving the extended families of the bride and groom.

Pictures get taken at weddings. Pictures of the HC's family high on the normal list. Where's the SURPRISE? Where's the ambush?

[WillyNilly]

Declining to be photographed is not bullying; insisting on your being in it after you declined is.

Asking someone, heck even expecting someone, to be in a group photo at a wedding is not bullying.
Declining to be in a group picture - after being asked nicely - is very selfish and self centered. Its not about you* or even a picture of you its abut the group, its about everyone together.  To make it about yourself as an individual separate from the group is really alienating and unpleasant behavior.  Sure as an adult you can make the decision to decline, but you have to accept it as being self centered and making a group thing personal, as that's not the intent of the original request.

*You statements are general "you" not anyone specifically.

[Visiting Crazy Town]

It's bullying if you don't like being photographed.  The reason you don't like it doesn't matter.

 You would seriously call it bullying because the OP doesn't like her photo taken but her family was a group photo.  I  think calling it underminds the word that would be in no way considered bullying by most people standards.

[LifeOnPluto]

As PPs have said, being in a group photo at a wedding is a totally reasonable expectation, and I think anyone who refuses is being a bit self-centered and snowflakey.

That said, I totally take Venus's point about it being rude for the hosts to INSIST that people participate, if they're clearly uncomfortable. Requesting, or encouraging people to join in is fine. Calling individuals out by name in front of everyone, and demanding they participate isn't.

I experienced this myself at a wedding last year (and even wrote a thread on eHell about it). All the unmarried people were asked to come up on stage to play a dreadful game that involved randomly being partnered up (male-female) and popping a balloon between our bodies without using our hands. I initially refused (as did many others). But then the MC began calling people out by name, over the microphone. She was like a dog with a bone, and would not rest until most of the unmarried people had (reluctantly) agreed to participate. That, I believe, was rude. 

[Venus193]

Egad.  That deserves a word that's bigger than rude.

[gramma dishes]

...    All the unmarried people were asked to come up on stage to play a dreadful game that involved randomly being partnered up (male-female) and popping a balloon between our bodies without using our hands. I initially refused (as did many others). But then the MC began calling people out by name, over the microphone. She was like a dog with a bone, and would not rest until most of the unmarried people had (reluctantly) agreed to participate. That, I believe, was rude.

It's too bad all the unmarried people didn't rise one by one as she called their names and all walk out to meet together in the bar and have a couple of drinks instead of playing her stupid game!   

[Rosewater]

This just smells to me of being an unwelcome set up for a lot of people, you go expecting to be a wedding guest but SURPRISE we're going to take a group photo now (insert cheesy smile).  I would feel ambushed and I know a lot of people hate that sort of thing.

Don't most people expect to get their photo taken at a family wedding?  And they're not surprising the OP with this, they're letting her know quite a bit ahead of time.  I wouldn't say that it's bullying or an ambush to ask family members to pose at a wedding.

I agree - how in the world is it so utterly shocking to be in a group family photo at a family wedding? Every wedding I've been to had a whole series of family shots involving the extended families of the bride and groom.

Pictures get taken at weddings. Pictures of the HC's family high on the normal list. Where's the SURPRISE? Where's the ambush?

Just because this would not come as a surprise to you does not mean it would not be a surprise to others.  In my almost 50 years of going to weddings I have never seen this done.  Parents, grandparents may be in photos and then there are always the pictures of the bridal party.  I have always experienced these photos mostly being done before the ceremony, and before most of the guests even begin to arrive, after that point it may be family members taking photos of their own immediate family with their own cameras.  A some mostly candid photos may be taken of the HC at the reception, possibly with parents included by the wedding photographer. 

A group photo of the entire extended family is something that I have not only never heard of it being done, it has not happened at the weddings I have been to unless it happened after all the guests left.  So yes, to me it would actually come as a complete surprise that someone was going to take a large family photo and that I, as a cousin was supposed to be in it. The experience would indeed make me feel ambushed if I was that cousin because for me it is not part of the norm that I would expect.

Just because something is normal in your circle does not mean that is is automatically done by everyone else.

[sammycat]

A few posters mentioned that it is bullying to ask someone to be in a photo when you know they don't like to have their photo taken.  I disagree. I actually think refusing to be in a group photo is SS for a few reasons: 1) it makes the event about you, when it really isn't; 2) it creates tension in what should be a happy event; 3) it deprives current and future generations of the joy of seeing the family all together.   The thing that I think is most SS is that it draws attention to the person refusing to be photographed, which makes my brain hurt a bit because that would make everyone look at the person more and focus on the person, when if I am undertanding correctly the person does not want to be noticed.

Asking someone, heck even expecting someone, to be in a group photo at a wedding is not bullying.
Declining to be in a group picture - after being asked nicely - is very selfish and self centered. Its not about you* or even a picture of you its abut the group, its about everyone together.  To make it about yourself as an individual separate from the group is really alienating and unpleasant behavior.  Sure as an adult you can make the decision to decline, but you have to accept it as being self centered and making a group thing personal, as that's not the intent of the original request.

I definitely agree with these statements, especially the bolded.

A few years ago we had the very rare opportunity of having a photo taken with both DH's parents and all their children/inlaws and grandchildren, including their last grandchild, then less than a year old.  After making a general annoucement asking everyone to gather for a photo, two of the grandsons (brothers in their early 20s) refused point blank to participate and even ran (literally) out of the party and didn't come back, without even saying goodbye.

DH's dad died shortly after that, as was expected (and was one of the reasons we wanted the photo). 

Rather than thinking back on that party with the fond memoroes of it being a happy celebration with the entire (inlaw) family, my only memory of that party is how spiteful, selfish and childish those two other grandsons were/are.