Family Photo...Help!

[Joeschmo]

This just smells to me of being an unwelcome set up for a lot of people, you go expecting to be a wedding guest but SURPRISE we're going to take a group photo now (insert cheesy smile).  I would feel ambushed and I know a lot of people hate that sort of thing.

Don't most people expect to get their photo taken at a family wedding?  And they're not surprising the OP with this, they're letting her know quite a bit ahead of time.  I wouldn't say that it's bullying or an ambush to ask family members to pose at a wedding.

I agree - how in the world is it so utterly shocking to be in a group family photo at a family wedding? Every wedding I've been to had a whole series of family shots involving the extended families of the bride and groom.

Pictures get taken at weddings. Pictures of the HC's family high on the normal list. Where's the SURPRISE? Where's the ambush?

Just because this would not come as a surprise to you does not mean it would not be a surprise to others.  In my almost 50 years of going to weddings I have never seen this done.  Parents, grandparents may be in photos and then there are always the pictures of the bridal party.  I have always experienced these photos mostly being done before the ceremony, and before most of the guests even begin to arrive, after that point it may be family members taking photos of their own immediate family with their own cameras.  A some mostly candid photos may be taken of the HC at the reception, possibly with parents included by the wedding photographer. 

A group photo of the entire extended family is something that I have not only never heard of it being done, it has not happened at the weddings I have been to unless it happened after all the guests left.  So yes, to me it would actually come as a complete surprise that someone was going to take a large family photo and that I, as a cousin was supposed to be in it. The experience would indeed make me feel ambushed if I was that cousin because for me it is not part of the norm that I would expect.

Just because something is normal in your circle does not mean that is is automatically done by everyone else.

I'm not sure how its a surprise when one is emailed in advance about the photo?

[Sharnita]

I think the advanced notification assures us this isn't a surprise, set-up, etc.

[rose red]

The only thing we know is a family picture will be taken, and the OP doesn't like to have her picture taken.  I'm not sure where the issues of surprise and bullying is coming from.  The aunt sent advanced notice (so no surprise at the wedding).  As far as we know, the OP haven't said a word to the aunt.  From the silence, Aunt thinks its fine, so no bullying (if she's even a bully in the first place.  She may very well say "I understand")

eta a missing word

[jane7166]

http://www.realbuzz.com/articles/how-to-look-good-in-every-photo-us-en/

I have a friend who shoots pictures for the local newspaper society page and she gave me some tips which were pretty much what was said in the above link.  I hate double chins so I try to practice the smile and then dropping my chin just a little, as she advised.  It seems to work. 

I hate having my picture taken but i try to work with what I've got!  I hope this works for the OP.  I really think OP should be in the picture.  Her absence will draw more attention than just graciously agreeing to be in the back or middle row. 

[Venus193]

The only thing we know is a family picture will be taken, and the OP doesn't like to have her picture taken.  I'm not sure where the issues of surprise and bullying is coming from.  The aunt sent advanced notice (so no surprise at the wedding).  As far as we know, the OP haven't said a word to the aunt.  From the silence, Aunt thinks its fine, so no bullying (if she's even a bully in the first place.  She may very well say "I understand")

eta a missing word

The OP has made a decision as to how she will deal with this.  Issues about surprise and bullying are general to this topic because there have been past discussions about such situations.  It is not uncommon for a person who is camera-adverse to be guilt-tripped, bullied, shamed, etc., into compliance by relatives who either don't think this is any big deal or who are on a power trip.

[TurtleDove]

It is not uncommon for a person who is camera-adverse to be guilt-tripped, bullied, shamed, etc., into compliance by relatives who either don't think this is any big deal or who are on a power trip.

I suppose there could be someone somewhere whose motivation is to harm the camera-averse, but I would imagine the vast majority of people simply would like a photograph of someone they care about.  There is no ulterior "let's bully and shame this person - she looks AWFUL in pictures!"  I also wonder whether the camera-averse just think they are not photogenic or simply don't like the way they look.  Either way, I would hope that they can overcome this because photographs are so nice to remember people by.  That's why lots of people have them all over their houses, offices, keychains, photo albums, etc.  It's an honor to be important enough to photograph!

[TootsNYC]

A group photo of the entire extended family is something that I have not only never heard of it being done, it has not happened at the weddings I have been to unless it happened after all the guests left.  So yes, to me it would actually come as a complete surprise that someone was going to take a large family photo and that I, as a cousin was supposed to be in it. The experience would indeed make me feel ambushed if I was that cousin because for me it is not part of the norm that I would expect.

Just because something is normal in your circle does not mean that is is automatically done by everyone else.

But this is STILL not a surprise or an ambush.

In fact, this Happy Couple has probably had your experience, that the huge family photo is not normally taken. And that is exactly why they are notifying everyone in advance, however informally they are doing it.

I confess to not having a lot of patience with people whose photo-averse-ness becomes really intrusive. It makes me think they're actually kinda conceited, that they think anybody cares what they look like, or that they think people will truly form their opinions on the basis of a bad photograph.

I have to really struggle to be patient with it. I really have to work to get to the assumption that they've got a really bad mental or emotional hangup about it. And if that's the case, I wish they'd get some help, because it's interfering with their life AND with my life because I have to put up with them messing up my photographs in their extreme attempt to cater to what is an irrational fear.

[magicdomino]

The OP has made her decision, and I hope some of the advice given will help her.  My comment is on whether the camera-phobic should cooperate with family photos (assuming you don't have to perform some really stupid pose, of course).  Now, cameras hate me, and I'm much happier on the side of the camera without a lens.  The number of photos of myself that I like, I could count on one hand, and that includes the photo of me at 3 or 4 with Mom's makeup on my face.  I also have no patience with people who photograph every single thing that stands still long enough; digital cameras have a lot to answer for there.

And yet . . .

I'm scanning old family photos and posting them to a Photobucket account for the nieces and nephews. Many times I have run across a photo of family members at some holiday or another, and smiled to see how young Nephew was, or what color Sister dyed her hair or wondered which of Niece's boyfriends that is.  Sometimes there is a sulky, stringy-haired teenaged me.  And my nephews and nieces, maybe even their children, will be just as delighted to see photos of that much younger me, as I am to see them.

Quick Public Service Annoucement:  Please, please write names and the date on the back of photos.  If you are sending photocards for Christmas, please incorporate the year into the greeting or write it on the back.  If the picture is a jpg file, rename it with some clue about when and where.  The biggest folder is going to be "Unknown People," because most of the people who I could ask about these anonymous photos are gone.

[Lynn2000]

Just continuing on the general subject of family photos. Sometimes at family Christmas gatherings various groups are put together to have their pictures taken--my aunt and her kids and grandkids, for example. We had a few teenagers who, at various times, were going through that "I'm really self-conscious right now and don't want my picture taken" thing. I sympathize with that. If I were in charge of taking the photos (which I never am), I would let someone off the hook if they expressed dismay. I love my family history and photos, too, but there are other ways of remembering people beyond photos, and I'd rather not force someone to do something like that if they didn't want to. To me, having a picture of someone is a really personal thing, and shouldn't be taken without their consent; I'm not one for jumping up with a camera and surprising someone, for example. Not to say that's always rude, it's more a "know your audience" thing.

Many of my family members don't feel this way, though. I've seen the teens object dramatically and make a scene on their own, then the parent gets mad at them and makes the scene bigger. But I've also seen the teens object quietly and politely, and try to discreetly scoot away without drawing attention to themselves; and usually the parent still gets mad at them, and makes a scene. So sometimes it seems like they can't win.

[EllenS]

take heart that there will be so many people in this picture that all of you are going to look teeny tiny and barely distinguishable from one another. 

My mother wanted one of these at my wedding - generations of cousins - the photographer had to shoot 3 photos side by side and Photoshop them together in a panorama.

You need a jeweller's loupe to recognize anyone, even in an 8x10.  You can't even really see me - only the dress and veil.

It's a very small and inexpensive "wedding gift" to your cousin.

[Surianne]

It is not uncommon for a person who is camera-adverse to be guilt-tripped, bullied, shamed, etc., into compliance by relatives who either don't think this is any big deal or who are on a power trip.

I suppose there could be someone somewhere whose motivation is to harm the camera-averse, but I would imagine the vast majority of people simply would like a photograph of someone they care about.  There is no ulterior "let's bully and shame this person - she looks AWFUL in pictures!"

You'd be surprised.  I'm not photogenic and it's become a "hilarious" thing in my family (and with a few not-so-good-friends) to post the worst of the photos online and laugh over them.  Particularly in families that are slightly toxic, it can definitely become a controlling thing.  Politely declining to have a photo taken leads to stalking throughout the party as someone is then on a "mission" to get that fantastically horrible photo.   

That's not the situation in the OP, and I think it's great that she's decided to not let it bother her.  But I can see the point of view of posters like Venus, because I've been there.  It took me a long time to get over how much I hated having my photo taken. 

I really do wish that other posters could understand that, and put aside their condemnation of the photo-averse as being special snowflakes, selfish, etc.  Posters here shouldn't have to be insulted like this simply because they're not comfortable with something.  I'm really surprised at how nasty this thread has gotten. 

[Sharnita]

Surianne, I think the confusion is that for toxic families like oyu mention, the photo thing is a symptom of the root problem.  The real issue seems to be bigger and more serious than "just" the concern with photos and so when somebody only talks abou the photo thing wothout bringing in all of the other concerns and contect it can come off as ss or selfish.  If you said "I don't like it when my family uses my concerns and preferences as a hammer to manipulate, bully and mock me" I think it would get a lot different response than "I don't want to be in a family picture that would help us remember important event"

[Kimblee]

I am not thrilled with having my pic taken (although lately that's been a little less awful) but I always kinda took a deep breath and put up with it for family group photos.

But only after I was 13 and had (bravely) put up with taking a photo that I felt was just terrible... only for my great uncle to write in his "last letter" 'and tell my Kimmie that I was so glad she was in such-and-such photo. It was amazing to see my little chick-hen grown into a young lady'

It was weird to realize that the "awful" picture I hated was beautiful to someone else.

But if you're really against the photo, stand by someone really tall and try to scooch behind them a bit.

[Surianne]

Surianne, I think the confusion is that for toxic families like oyu mention, the photo thing is a symptom of the root problem.  The real issue seems to be bigger and more serious than "just" the concern with photos and so when somebody only talks abou the photo thing wothout bringing in all of the other concerns and contect it can come off as ss or selfish.  If you said "I don't like it when my family uses my concerns and preferences as a hammer to manipulate, bully and mock me" I think it would get a lot different response than "I don't want to be in a family picture that would help us remember important event"

I do agree with you on most of that, Sharnita -- that the real issue behind my (and perhaps other posters') dislike of photos is because of the toxic behaviour surrounding the photograph. 

I think where we differ is that I've never understood why simply saying "I prefer not to" isn't acceptable when it comes to declining photographs in a way it is with other things (say, declining to participate in an activity, declining to eat an offered slice of cake, or declining to attend an event).  A simple "No, thanks" should be acceptable without making someone a special snowflake or selfish.

[TurtleDove]

If anyone thinks I look "bad" in a photo I would say, "well, it's me."  I think it's weird to have some sort of preemptively negative judgment about a photo. Is it you? Then own it! I don't understand this aversion to photos unless there is some sort of underlying self doubt involved.