The "extra" swimsuit....

[Raintree]

So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

You mean lending (not borrowing).

No - not lending her a suit is not rude.  I'm still not understanding why you feel you are responsible for providing her with a swimsuit.   

As I said, she can either provide her own suit or not go.

I don't see how her forgetting prevents you from swimming in your own suit.

 Not sure how to explain this, but we signed up for this class together, and typically will spend the day together getting together about 9am  and ending the day between 5 and 7.   The class is at noon.  Right in the middle. So if she does not have her suit...it feels odd to leave her for an hour or so to go to the class while she sits and waits.  ( she also says that sitting and waiting feels "wrong" to  her) the water work outs are what her dr recommends and due to other health concerns she is only allowed to do cardio and her limit walking/treadmilling is about 14 min at this point.
  So I am sort of feeling weird about having her sit for that length of time while doing something we signed up for together.  Hence the lending of the suit.

I see. There is this feeling of "we're spending the day doing stuff together; we'd go to this class, but one of us doesn't have her swimsuit, so I guess *we* have to do something else instead."

I think you have to insist that since you signed up for the class, you really want to do it, and convey somehow that it's on her to remember her stuff, because you still want to attend this class regardless. I can see why you thought having the extra swimsuit in the car would solve the problem, but she is acting weird about it (if she took it home, it would defeat the purpose anyway) and it's just enabling her forgetful behaviour, ie she doesn't get to experience the consequences of her own actions.

[oceanus]

So if she does not have her suit...

Then that is her problem.

You can either:
1) continue the arrrangement
2) tell you she will need to bring her own suit because you're no longer providing her with one.  If she forgets that will be her problem.

You can't have it both ways.

[Raintree]

( she also says that sitting and waiting feels "wrong" to  her)

And say with a friendly chuckle, "Then I guess you'd better remember your swimsuit next time. I don't want to miss the class because you forgot your swimsuit."

[KenveeB]

No, it's not rude for you to do the class you signed up for just because she forgot her suit. If she feels wrong sitting to the side for an hour, maybe she'll remember her suit next time. Stop letting her guilt you! She's responsible for herself.

[Slartibartfast]

If you get together earlier in the day anyway and you know at 10:00 that she won't have her suit at noon, can you make plans to swing by Walmart/Target/etc. and offer to "let" her buy one?  Since she seems to really need a spare, and all?

[mmswm]

Is it possible that she doesn't own a swimsuit, can't afford to buy even a cheap one, and is to embarrassed to admit it? I agree she's being rude by insisting that she should be able to keep the one you've loaned her, but it's possible there's more to the story and she's just not handling it very well.

[cicero]

So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

You mean lending (not borrowing).

No - not lending her a suit is not rude.  I'm still not understanding why you feel you are responsible for providing her with a swimsuit.   

As I said, she can either provide her own suit or not go.

I don't see how her forgetting prevents you from swimming in your own suit.

 Not sure how to explain this, but we signed up for this class together, and typically will spend the day together getting together about 9am  and ending the day between 5 and 7.   The class is at noon.  Right in the middle. So if she does not have her suit...it feels odd to leave her for an hour or so to go to the class while she sits and waits.  ( she also says that sitting and waiting feels "wrong" to  her) the water work outs are what her dr recommends and due to other health concerns she is only allowed to do cardio and her limit walking/treadmilling is about 14 min at this point.
  So I am sort of feeling weird about having her sit for that length of time while doing something we signed up for together.  Hence the lending of the suit.

but but but *she* signed up for the class, you talk about it the night before, she has to know by now that one *needs* a swim suit for the class. why are you taking ownership of her responsibilities?

She is being extremely rude to you, almost badgering you and wrongly calling you out for being nice and considerate. that is really inappropriate.

I don't know if money is the problem . I do know that I've bought bathing suits in the US for under 10$ at target/kohls/kmart-type stores. they may from two years ago, and a weird neon green or pink but they work until such time that she can buy a better one. and i do understand that sometimes people are just that poor that they can't afford the 10$ but I don't know if that is the case here.

[MummySweet]

Since you pick her up, as she is getting into the car ask her if she has her swimsuit and any other gear that she needs.   If the answer is negative, tell her to run back in the house to get it... or a book to read while you are taking the class.   

[acicularis]

Your friend has a very odd sense of entitlement. What would happen if you let her take the suit home, and then she forgot it the next time? Would she expect to you to supply another one?

I'd be inclined to avoid going to the Y with her, or next time when discussing plans say "Oh, and don't forget your suit --I can't find my extra one."

[postalslave]

So.. what would happen if she didn't bring her suit and you didn't bring an extra? What if your extra went "missing"?

I'm sorry, I just don't understand why you feel obligated to provide her workout  gear just because you signed up together. If you didn't sign up together would you still feel obligated to loan her a swim suit when she neglects to bring one?

OR - just sell her the suit. Problem solved.

[VorFemme]

So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

She is borrowing the suit because "she forgot"?  I think that she's asking for the loan of YOUR suit because she doesn't have one or she's seen that the high chlorine content in gym pools can wear out a swimsuit in three months or less - so she's saving her "good" suit for when swimming and not working out at the gym.

Seriously - I buy chlorine remover for swimsuits from swimsuits for all because I've been warned that the high levels of chlorine in the pool & hot tub *at the gym* (eta) can render the suit translucent in three months or less (suit goes transparent).  I've had a daughter on swim team wearing two at once - but that was common for practice, as the increased drag gave more of a workout.  And wearing only ONE suit at competition would show improvement in their time - so it was a recognized "thing" for coaches to suggest.

But not what most women do at the gym for a workout.....

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've seen swimsuits on the rack at the local Goodwill and Salvation Army (I assume new ones donated at the end of the season - they still had store tags on them).  I saw the suggestion about selling her the "spare suit" - but I'd be afraid that she'd leave it at home and want to have you lend her a different suit - which she would then expect to be given because she's worn it.

I do wonder if she has a swimsuit that doesn't fit or that is being saved to wear to the beach instead of the gym.  I have one that I wear around VorGuy that I don't wear at the gym.  It looks prettier (underwire support with draping at strategic curves) - but it could be prone to "a wardrobe malfunction" if worn while trying to actually swim.......or work out.......

[laceandbits]

I agree with the poster who said to remind her the night before, remind her again to check when you pick her up, and that should be the end of your responsibility.  From what you've said it is ONLY the swimsuit she is forgetting - does she have everything else such as towels, shampoo, hair brush or does she scrounge those from you too?  If it's just the swimsuit then it sounds deliberate. 

If you have actually seen her swimsuit (the implication from your post was that she often/nearly always forgets it) you could also say that she looks so much better in her own one anyway.  If she doesn't have one, ask her why she signed up for swimming without having the gear first.  She wouldn't have signed up for ice hockey without skates, or tennis without a racquet would she?  Although if you had spare ones I suppose she might have done :-)

Could you find a really cheapo one in a thrift store, not necessarily in the right size, and say that as your other one has gone missing, this is your spare-to-loan one now.

[daen]

If you were doing this one thing together - drive to the Y, do the class, go home - I would sympathize more with the feeling of  not wanting to leave her on the sidelines.
The fact that you're spending the whole day together changes that for me. She's not missing out on the whole excursion together, only part of it, know what I mean?

Of course, the fact that she forgets vital equipment repeatedly would burn out my sympathy circuits in short order, and her wanting to keep something that was very explicitly on loan would accelerate the process.

[rose red]

OP, with your updates, I'm not sure what advice to give.  You keep giving us reasons why you have to lend her your suit.  I don't understand/agree with those reasons, but it's your choice.  I acknowledge that you are a very nice and generous person.  You've already told her the suit is a loan, but she keeps saying you are rude.  That's how she is.  I'm afraid there's no magic words to change her mind (I don't have the words for that type of person anyway).

Your options are:
"Forgetting" your suit.  Sitting for an hour won't kill her.
Give her the suit.
Keep lending it and put up with her attitude.
Stop inviting her to go swimming.  Do other activities.
Remind her to get her suit when you pick her up.  Do not move the car until she does so.
eta: Replace your current "backup" suit with a cheap thrift store suit (a PP's idea)

[Shoo]

Since you pick her up, as she is getting into the car ask her if she has her swimsuit and any other gear that she needs.   If the answer is negative, tell her to run back in the house to get it... or a book to read while you are taking the class.   

This is what I'd do every time I picked her up.