General Etiquette > Family and Children

Need Spine Polish for upcoming visit

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sparksals:

--- Quote from: Eden on February 20, 2013, 11:38:35 AM ---While I agree with others that SIL was rude to invite Good Friend in the first place without ever asking OP, were I in the OP's situation, I would seriously consider if it was really worth it to me to address this. Here's my thinking:
1. This has clearly been a practice for awhile and gone unaddressed making it a bit of a tradition.
2. This is one person. The same person. It's not like SIL invites whomever she wants whenever she wants. I don't see that it requires much if any extra effort on the OP's part.

Because this has been happening for some time, it seems to me the potential fallout is pretty certain and probably not going to be minor. To me, it wouldn't be worth addressing at this point. But that is for the OP to decide.

OP, if you want to put a stop to this and are okay with whatever fallout may follow, I'd proactively contact SIL and say you'd like to keep Easter family only and would appreciate if she checks with you before inviting Good Friend  does not invite friend to future gatherings.

--- End quote ---

I think this is a good way to address it.  I don't understand what fallout could happen.  This is the OP's home with her DH.  She goes to get time, effort and expense to entertain the entire family.  It is not her job to make room for SIL's friend at her gatherings.  The family doesn't seem to be thinking how this situation makes the OP feel.

sparksals:

--- Quote from: twiggy on February 20, 2013, 01:17:38 PM ---My reasoning is that I don't know her. DH doesn't know her. FIL doesn't know her. YSIL doesn't know her. OBIL doesn't know her. The only people she knows are SIL/BIL and MIL. And I'm tired of providing a venue for SIL's socialization. Friend has shown up for many, but not all Events, and I don't recall anyone having missed her.

The year I ate a cold dinner, I really was worried that there wouldn't be enough food. I had planned on X number of people, then Grandpa and Grandma were in town. Then YSIL was able to get off work early, so her family of 3 was able to make it. 4 adults and a toddler ate up (no pun intended) most of my 'food cushion' then there was another adult and 2 more kids.

The more I think about this, the more upset I am with SIL. This is a pattern for her, and I think that it's not so much about this particular person, as it is about setting limits for SIL and not letting her walk all over me. I can provide examples, but I don't want to start ranting/venting.

So, looks like I need to make a phone call and make sure that SIL knows I don't want her to invite her friend. If she does it anyway, what do I do then? I have never turned her away at the door, and I don't think I could bring myself to do it if I wanted to.

--- End quote ---

I'm with you on all counts. Your SIL is being extremely disrespectful to you and is pushing major boundaries.   

She would be pretty brazen to invite her anyway.  If she does, I think your DH needs to sit SIL down and have a very serious talk with her. 

sparksals:

--- Quote from: Eden on February 20, 2013, 02:33:16 PM ---OP, it sounds like this goes beyond this one example and you're using this as grounds to begin setting boundaries for SIL. More power to you. I do want to point out though that it is not SIL's fault or responsibility that your grandparents or YSIL's plans changed in the example you provided.

Again, she is only responsible for inviting Good Friend and it is up to you if that is something you want to address.

If she does invite Good Friend, like you, I probably would not turn her away. It's not her fault after all. She was invited. Just not by you. But afterwards I'd let SIL know that was unacceptable and if she can't respect your wishes, she will no longer be invited either.

--- End quote ---

Actually, the GF should not be showing up on the SILs invitation since she is not the hostess.  We have discussed many times 2nd hand invitations and it is not polite to accept them.

sparksals:

--- Quote from: pinkiu on February 20, 2013, 03:15:42 PM ---Why are you going to all this work? Tell everyone coming that you are going out to eat for Easter/blessing. Everyone pays their own way. Ask for a number and you'll make reservations. On any other nights that the family is getting together, order pizza or a large subway sub. Don't make it so hard.

--- End quote ---

It sounds like the OP likes to host more formal events.  It would be extremely ungracious and against etiquette to invite people and then expect them to pay.

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