Author Topic: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!  (Read 10011 times)

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Bob Ducca

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #15 on: February 27, 2013, 06:13:17 AM »
The problem I see in the OP (and in my own experience, many times) is that many conversations about weight begin with a compliment, which makes it more difficult to simply refuse to discuss it without sounding like a jerk.  Example:

Person A: You look great! You've lost so much weight!
Person B: I don't discuss my weight with anyone.
<awkward silence>

When well-meaning people initiate a conversation with a compliment, my instinct is to thank them and return it.  Where it goes from there, though, is often "You need to stop losing weight, though, you're going to disappear!" or "Start eating again, you're done!" or something equally well-meaning but intrusive.  I don't want to get into my particular weight issues with just anyone, but I also want to handle the comments gracefully.  It's a tough balance. 

TurtleDove

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #16 on: February 27, 2013, 06:18:10 AM »
I don't want to get into my particular weight issues with just anyone, but I also want to handle the comments gracefully.  It's a tough balance.

I like this. Some people do not mean well, but many/most do.  I think it's best to be graceful and assume the best, which generally leads to a happy harmless exchange, rather than calling someone out who either meant well or whose opinion shouldn't matter to you for whatever reason.


Dalek

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #17 on: February 27, 2013, 06:58:39 AM »
Quote
Unless the person in question is a doctor

And, even then, it's not always appropriate/necessary to ask that question.

I would consider switching doctors if mine ever stopped checking my weight. Or blood pressure, routine tests, etc. My weight is her business.

Sorry your mom was being so irrational, OP.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2013, 09:01:08 AM by Dalek »
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TurtleDove

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #18 on: February 27, 2013, 07:02:54 AM »


I would consider switching doctors if mine stopped ever stopped checking my weight. Or blood pressure, routine tests, etc. My weight is her business.

Agreed.  The goal in checking weight is to accurately assess medication levels and general trends (for example, weight gain or loss in adults can indicate various ailments).  If it upsets you to know what your weight is, that is something to be looked at I think.

Tea Drinker

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #19 on: February 27, 2013, 08:25:56 AM »
My weight, blood pressure, etc. are my doctor's business, but there are a number of ways to handle that. Very often, the nurse takes my blood pressure, writes it down, and doesn't say anything. If I ask, I will get a general comment like "It's good," but if I want the actual numbers I have to say so specifically. They can't handle weight the same way given the usual design of those scales, but again, the only thing the nurse needs to say is "Thank you, Tea Drinker, you can step down now."

Changes in body weight are more likely to be significant than any single number, so "you've lost/gained 12 pounds since your last visit" is a more reasonable comment than "I see you're still heavy."

The worst example I've run into was, in fact, a nurse saying "You've lost 12 pounds, congratulations," because she didn't have the wit to think about the fact that yes, I had lost that much weight since my last visit, nine days earlier. It was an automatic, social "weight loss is good," overriding anything from her training about unexplained weight loss as a possible problem. Then she took my blood pressure, and it came in on the high side.

When the doctor came in I told her what happened and asked if she could retake my blood pressure in a few minutes, after I had calmed down from being told I had lost weight that quickly when I wasn't trying. (Our best guess, after running some more tests, is that it was a weird medication side effect, not a symptom of an additional problem.)
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DottyG

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #20 on: February 27, 2013, 06:26:19 PM »
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I would consider switching doctors if mine ever stopped checking my weight.

And I have switched doctors when it's apparent that weight is the only thing they're looking at instead of why I'm there.  If it's done in a "this is just something we put in the records as a vital sign", it's one thing - and I don't mind that.  But there have been too many times when they've gotten so fixated on a weight that they can't focus on the issue I'm there for - even if weight has nothing to do with it.  And I've fired doctors for that.


Girly

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #21 on: February 28, 2013, 08:20:39 AM »
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I would consider switching doctors if mine ever stopped checking my weight.

And I have switched doctors when it's apparent that weight is the only thing they're looking at instead of why I'm there.  If it's done in a "this is just something we put in the records as a vital sign", it's one thing - and I don't mind that.  But there have been too many times when they've gotten so fixated on a weight that they can't focus on the issue I'm there for - even if weight has nothing to do with it.  And I've fired doctors for that.

I've had doctors mention to me that it would be in my best interest to lose weight, but never have any of them been fixated on it and ignored any of my other problems. Sorry you seem to have a row with crappy doctors!

My fertility doctor was the one that had suggested the most strongly that I try to lose weight, as in a lot of cases it makes 'things easier', but he never in any way made me feel ashamed.

I also had a doctor change my dosage of medications due to weight when I was sick, thought I can't for the life of me recall what that was.....

DottyG

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #22 on: February 28, 2013, 12:50:07 PM »
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Sorry you seem to have a row with crappy doctors!

Oh my goodness!  I have many a story I can tell about crappy doctors! :D  The one who misdiagnosed a condition such that I now have permanent scarring on my eye, the one who denied having my medical records but actually had them underneath his chair and was rolling across them, the one who was too embarrassed to talk about the urinary system and how kidney stones form (he was a urologist - surely he, of all people, can talk about the urinary system?!), etc.

I've lost a lot of the respect I once had for doctors!  I've witnessed too many bad ones.


Softly Spoken

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #23 on: May 04, 2013, 12:45:14 PM »
Just wanted to rant a little and since this thread is already started I will put it here:

Commenting on anyone's change in size is such a minefield, I really don't understand why people assume it can/should be considered appropriate or even a compliment. People can lose weight due to illness, or gain because they are on medication etc. etc.

Also, muscle weighs more than fat, so "failing" to lose weight when you exercise can just mean you are doing it right! ::)

I am fat and I really really hate that everyone assumes any exercise I do is so I can lose weight. I am not trying to lose weight. I am trying to up my stamina, strength and energy while lowering my depression. I'm never going to do anything just to try and make myself look how other people think I should. Stop assuming that I don't work out, that I can't, or that when I do it's because I'm on a diet/wedding/New Years resolution etc. >:(

/rant
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JeseC

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #24 on: May 19, 2013, 05:46:08 PM »
Just wanted to rant a little and since this thread is already started I will put it here:

Commenting on anyone's change in size is such a minefield, I really don't understand why people assume it can/should be considered appropriate or even a compliment. People can lose weight due to illness, or gain because they are on medication etc. etc.

Also, muscle weighs more than fat, so "failing" to lose weight when you exercise can just mean you are doing it right! ::)

I am fat and I really really hate that everyone assumes any exercise I do is so I can lose weight. I am not trying to lose weight. I am trying to up my stamina, strength and energy while lowering my depression. I'm never going to do anything just to try and make myself look how other people think I should. Stop assuming that I don't work out, that I can't, or that when I do it's because I'm on a diet/wedding/New Years resolution etc. >:(

/rant

This goes for us skinny people as well sometimes!  I'm a vegetarian for ethical reasons, and I enjoy walking/running because, well, it feels good.  But I HATE it when people look at those choices and either assume I'm doing it for my weight, or worse tell me "you're so skinny, you don't need to do that!"

Library Dragon

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #25 on: May 19, 2013, 06:24:07 PM »
Just wanted to rant a little and since this thread is already started I will put it here:

Commenting on anyone's change in size is such a minefield, I really don't understand why people assume it can/should be considered appropriate or even a compliment. People can lose weight due to illness, or gain because they are on medication etc. etc.

Also, muscle weighs more than fat, so "failing" to lose weight when you exercise can just mean you are doing it right! ::)

I am fat and I really really hate that everyone assumes any exercise I do is so I can lose weight. I am not trying to lose weight. I am trying to up my stamina, strength and energy while lowering my depression. I'm never going to do anything just to try and make myself look how other people think I should. Stop assuming that I don't work out, that I can't, or that when I do it's because I'm on a diet/wedding/New Years resolution etc. >:(

/rant

This is so true. I have a friend who was trying to loose weight, but wisely became concerned when she began loosing too much too quickly.  It turns out she has a serious medical issue.  If she had just said, "Great!" she wouldn't have caught it so soon.

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TurtleDove

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #26 on: May 19, 2013, 07:13:05 PM »
I just wanted to shout out to the weight lifters amongst us - in my world we happily state our weight because it's used in the calculation in scoring if how much we can lift in various Olympic lifts. Body weight factors in for the weight lifted, and strong is the goal. :-)

doodlemor

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #27 on: May 23, 2013, 11:36:55 PM »
Not exactly the same situation, but here is Miss Manners' advice for dealing with nasty weight comments.

http://living.msn.com/life-inspired/miss-manners-advice/handling-disrespectful-comments-about-weight

I do think that you could use the advice / statement at the end of the article on your mother, though.

"I would never harp on your shortcomings."

Shalamar

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #28 on: May 26, 2013, 05:33:09 PM »
Quote
This is so true. I have a friend who was trying to lose weight, but wisely became concerned when she began losing too much too quickly.  It turns out she has a serious medical issue.  If she had just said, "Great!" she wouldn't have caught it so soon.

My friend's dad started losing weight too rapidly, and at first he was all "Great!" because he'd always been heavy.   He got concerned when he realized that he was still losing weight even though he was no longer trying to.   He was diagnosed with cancer and, sadly, it was too far-gone to treat much - he was dead within a year.

chicajojobe

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Re: You're lovely and slim/you need to lose weight!
« Reply #29 on: July 05, 2013, 09:58:00 AM »
Agreeing with the others.  You don't have to answer "How much do you weigh?" by anyone.  It's your business alone.  Bean dip that question.

If it was anyone else, yeah, but if my parents asking I'd probably answer.

However, I'm not saying everyone should be obligated to. Just that I can understand why the OP didn't bean dip, because I probably wouldn't expect that question to turn into an exchange like that either if it was my mom doing the asking.
« Last Edit: July 05, 2013, 10:00:29 AM by chicajojobe »