Author Topic: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...  (Read 5308 times)

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Mental Magpie

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You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« on: February 20, 2013, 05:49:18 PM »
I love football but did not want to watch the Superbowl this year.  A married female (Sherrie) coworker with whom I have a budding friendship does not like football at all.  A single male (Jones) coworker with whom I have a budding friendship does not like football either.  Some of our other coworkers invited Jones to a Superbowl party but he had no interest in going.  Instead, he and Sherrie were going to go see a movie.  They invited me along and we had a great time.

It's the other coworkers who are a problem.  They keep calling Jones a homewrecker (they say they are just teasing him, but he really doesn't like it).  Sherrie and I are quite irritated as well because they're acting like it is some big scandal that a single male went to the movies with two taken females.  We continue to be friends despite them.

What I want to know is if it would be rude/effective of me to say, "You must think poorly of my relationship if you think me having a male friend is a threat to it"?  Sherrie and I were talking and we also decided that we owe them no explanation, especially because there is nothing to defend..  Unfortunately, not responding to their "jokes" doesn't stop them from making them.  Jones is really getting annoyed as well and wants the comments to stop.  One day, he and I were walking somewhere together and they called him back to major hub area.  He told me that they told him he couldn't walk with me because they wouldn't let him be a homewrecker...but they were just kidding, of course.  It's getting old.
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Moray

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2013, 06:00:49 PM »


I think your proposed response would do more harm than good. First, it doesn't "flow" and would almost certainly sound very rehearsed (making you sound imperious at best, and nervous or ineffectual at worst); second, it seems to invite debate over the soundness of your relationship with Mental Fiance.

A better solution might be to address the comments made to you like the childish nonsense they are. "Hardee har har. Yeah, that's super funny, Tony." If the comments are directed at Jones, he needs to speak up and tell them to cut it out. They may or may not do so, but he'll have to take it from there.
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JenJay

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2013, 06:03:46 PM »
They're messing with jones because it's working. When they called him back to the hub why did he go? He should have ignored them and kept walking.

I would say "I know you're joking, but the constant insinuations that I'm sleeping with coworkers is old and I want you to stop." If they didn't stop the next thing I'd say would be "You realize that continuing this 'joke' when you've been asked to stop is technically sexual harassment, right? I asked you to stop. I suggest you respect my request."

Yvaine

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2013, 06:06:15 PM »


I think your proposed response would do more harm than good. First, it doesn't "flow" and would almost certainly sound very rehearsed (making you sound imperious at best, and nervous or ineffectual at worst); second, it seems to invite debate over the soundness of your relationship with Mental Fiance.

A better solution might be to address the comments made to you like the childish nonsense they are. "Hardee har har. Yeah, that's super funny, Tony." If the comments are directed at Jones, he needs to speak up and tell them to cut it out. They may or may not do so, but he'll have to take it from there.

Agreed. I've never known immature teasers to respond to a long earnest speech with anything other than more derision. Either laugh it off, roll your eyes, make fun of them for their stale joke, etc., or else tell them succinctly to cut it out and then ignore them. If they're harmless twits (which I think is likely), they'll find a new joke soon enough. In the event that they move into the realm of harassment (i.e. not stopping after being clearly told), there's probably a procedure at your workplace to deal with it.

NyaChan

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2013, 06:11:13 PM »
"Ugh guys, that joke wasn't funny the FIRST time you made it!"  Then change the subject.  I think that your proposed response gives a stupid joke way too much importance.  If they keep it going though, you might consider going to a supervisor.

Deetee

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2013, 06:18:37 PM »
I agree with others. This is not a time for explaining or lectures (I think a serious explanation of why a behaviour bothers you is only effective when communication to one (maybe two) people you are close to)

This is a time to
a) Ignore
b) Eyeroll, "OK, that was a tiny bit funny the first 3 times. Now that we are on number 15, all thye funny has been squeezed out. Maybe you need to buy a new joke."
c) Agree with enthusiasm "It's always good to have a replacement lined up!"

dawbs

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2013, 06:34:56 PM »
Maybe I'm just having a grumpy day, but I'd tell them it's inappropriate.
"Jim, that's not funny and it's inappropriate"

And then I'd consider going to HR because 'jokes' that imply someone is having an affair firmly fall under harassment at my workplace.

NyaChan

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2013, 06:44:27 PM »
The whole joke is about implying that they are having an affair and that the coworker is breaking up mental magpie's relationship

Midnight Kitty

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2013, 07:18:06 PM »
I POD dawbs.  Don't explain.  Don't respond.  Don't say, "You must think poorly of my relationship if you think me having a male friend is a threat to it"?   They aren't making these comments because they think poorly of your relationship.  They aren't thinking at all.

Back in January, my husband was "hosting" a female blues musician who was visiting Oahu.  She was traveling with a male friend who ran the marathon.  As I got to know her better, I discovered that she was married, her husband was in the military, and he doesn't travel with her very often.  Later I mentioned to my husband that they must have a strong marriage if she can travel with a male friend.  DH looked at me a bit oddly, then said, "You realize that [male friend] is a *man who loves men.*"  Um, no.  I didn't realize that.  Mostly because I don't think about casual acquaintance's preference in scrabble partners.

I still think they have a strong marriage, but what do I know?  Not much more than Mental Magpie's thoughtless (& humorless) coworkers.
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Mental Magpie

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2013, 07:44:33 PM »
They're messing with jones because it's working. When they called him back to the hub why did he go? He should have ignored them and kept walking.

I would say "I know you're joking, but the constant insinuations that I'm sleeping with coworkers is old and I want you to stop." If they didn't stop the next thing I'd say would be "You realize that continuing this 'joke' when you've been asked to stop is technically sexual harassment, right? I asked you to stop. I suggest you respect my request."

He had to return, no choice.



We have tried ignoring them and it keeps coming up because they keep bringing up it.  Just today another coworker asked Sherrie what her husband thought of us hanging out with Jones.  We have also tried going with the joke, and they just won't give up.  It's getting old, and frankly, I'd like to be able to talk about something else rather than always feeling like I have to go on the defensive or worry about what gossip they'll dream up next if I dare to be seen talking to Jones for five minutes longer than they deem necessary*.  I didn't post here when it first happened because I thought ignoring it would help, but it hasn't.  It's that it's been going on for weeks and I've finally had enough.

I think I may go for the derisive, "Don't you guys have anything more important going on in your lives than dreaming up gossip about your coworkers?" or something to a similar affect.
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Amara

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2013, 07:49:23 PM »
"Your jokes are so old that they could apply for Social Security." *yawn*

Mental Magpie

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2013, 07:55:14 PM »
"Your jokes are so old that they could apply for Social Security." *yawn*

Bahahahaha!  I like it!
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nuit93

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2013, 07:57:06 PM »
They're messing with jones because it's working. When they called him back to the hub why did he go? He should have ignored them and kept walking.

I would say "I know you're joking, but the constant insinuations that I'm sleeping with coworkers is old and I want you to stop." If they didn't stop the next thing I'd say would be "You realize that continuing this 'joke' when you've been asked to stop is technically sexual harassment, right? I asked you to stop. I suggest you respect my request."

He had to return, no choice.



We have tried ignoring them and it keeps coming up because they keep bringing up it.  Just today another coworker asked Sherrie what her husband thought of us hanging out with Jones.  We have also tried going with the joke, and they just won't give up.  It's getting old, and frankly, I'd like to be able to talk about something else rather than always feeling like I have to go on the defensive or worry about what gossip they'll dream up next if I dare to be seen talking to Jones for five minutes longer than they deem necessary*.  I didn't post here when it first happened because I thought ignoring it would help, but it hasn't.  It's that it's been going on for weeks and I've finally had enough.

I think I may go for the derisive, "Don't you guys have anything more important going on in your lives than dreaming up gossip about your coworkers?" or something to a similar affect.

I think, at that point, it's time to get HR involved.

Just Lori

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2013, 08:02:34 PM »
Call them on their idiocy:

CW:  Hey Sherrie, what's your husband think about you hanging out with Jones?
Sherrie:  What do you mean?
CW:  You know....
Sherrie:  No, I don't. Explain it to me.
CW:  Does your husband think the two of you are, you know?
Sherrie:  Friends?
CW:  Har har .. Maybe more than friends.
Sherrie:  Do you realize this conversation just crossed over the line to se.xual harassment?

jedikaiti

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #14 on: February 20, 2013, 08:08:04 PM »
Yea, time to call in HR. These people seem to be stuck in kindergarden and it's time for a time-out and maybe even a spanking.
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