Author Topic: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...  (Read 4715 times)

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Outdoor Girl

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #15 on: February 20, 2013, 08:24:25 PM »
"Even if we were more than friends, it would stillbe none of your flippin' business.  Quit being a bunch of bacon fed knaves.  If you bring it up again, I'll report you for harassment.'

This would work in my office.  I could be Jones.  I hang out with a married buddy all the time.  We play softball on the same team in the summer and ski together in the winter.  Fortunately, nobody in my office makes any comments.  Of course, my buddy has often been heard to say, 'I can barely handle one woman.  What on earth would I do with two?'   ;D
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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #16 on: February 20, 2013, 09:02:17 PM »
They're messing with jones because it's working. When they called him back to the hub why did he go? He should have ignored them and kept walking.

I would say "I know you're joking, but the constant insinuations that I'm sleeping with coworkers is old and I want you to stop." If they didn't stop the next thing I'd say would be "You realize that continuing this 'joke' when you've been asked to stop is technically sexual harassment, right? I asked you to stop. I suggest you respect my request."

He had to return, no choice.

So these are superiors? I'd go straight up the chain of command, maybe one "You're making me uncomfortable." warning shot. That is absolutely unacceptable. I don't care that you are a rookie or whatever, they are compromising your ability to maintain the respect of your coworkers, not to mention the inmates. I'd shut it down.

Mental Magpie

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #17 on: February 20, 2013, 09:13:44 PM »
No, not superiors, but Jones has been there a year and I only a few months.  Sherrie has been there for 5 years, so in some cases longer than the other coworkers and in some cases shorter. 
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #18 on: February 20, 2013, 09:19:44 PM »
No, not superiors, but Jones has been there a year and I only a few months.  Sherrie has been there for 5 years, so in some cases longer than the other coworkers and in some cases shorter.

Gotcha. DH said he'd email all the jokesters and say "Listen, I can take a joke but this has gone on long enough and it's time to stop." Then, if it continues, you email them again but this time you CC your direct supervisor and say "As I requested in my initial email to you on Date, I want the joking and insinuations that Jones and I are having an affair to stop. It has gone beyond ribbing and is now affecting my reputation and I am asking you to drop it and move on." He/She will see to it that it stops without you having to go to the union or HR or whatever you have (though he said that'd be his next step if it gets that far).

Mental Magpie

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2013, 09:31:16 PM »
No, not superiors, but Jones has been there a year and I only a few months.  Sherrie has been there for 5 years, so in some cases longer than the other coworkers and in some cases shorter.

Gotcha. DH said he'd email all the jokesters and say "Listen, I can take a joke but this has gone on long enough and it's time to stop." Then, if it continues, you email them again but this time you CC your direct supervisor and say "As I requested in my initial email to you on Date, I want the joking and insinuations that Jones and I are having an affair to stop. It has gone beyond ribbing and is now affecting my reputation and I am asking you to drop it and move on." He/She will see to it that it stops without you having to go to the union or HR or whatever you have (though he said that'd be his next step if it gets that far).

I really appreciate you asking your DH as I'm sure he understands the environment in which I work.  I doubt it is similar to many other workplaces.  I try not to bring my type of work into it but sometimes I really do think it is relevant.



I think instead of e-mailing them I'll address them in the break room when their direct supervisor is there (she often eats lunch with us).  I'll also wait until they bring up it so that it doesn't look like it is bothering me all that much.  It really doesn't bother me nearly as much as it seems to bother Jones, who doesn't like many of the coworkers anyway as they tend to hold their seniority over rookies' heads despite having the exact same rank.
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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #20 on: February 20, 2013, 09:55:53 PM »
No, not superiors, but Jones has been there a year and I only a few months.  Sherrie has been there for 5 years, so in some cases longer than the other coworkers and in some cases shorter.

Gotcha. DH said he'd email all the jokesters and say "Listen, I can take a joke but this has gone on long enough and it's time to stop." Then, if it continues, you email them again but this time you CC your direct supervisor and say "As I requested in my initial email to you on Date, I want the joking and insinuations that Jones and I are having an affair to stop. It has gone beyond ribbing and is now affecting my reputation and I am asking you to drop it and move on." He/She will see to it that it stops without you having to go to the union or HR or whatever you have (though he said that'd be his next step if it gets that far).

I really appreciate you asking your DH as I'm sure he understands the environment in which I work.  I doubt it is similar to many other workplaces.  I try not to bring my type of work into it but sometimes I really do think it is relevant.



I think instead of e-mailing them I'll address them in the break room when their direct supervisor is there (she often eats lunch with us).  I'll also wait until they bring up it so that it doesn't look like it is bothering me all that much.  It really doesn't bother me nearly as much as it seems to bother Jones, who doesn't like many of the coworkers anyway as they tend to hold their seniority over rookies' heads despite having the exact same rank.

That's a great idea! DH doesn't have a break room or scheduled lunches so that would never be an option for him. He's asleep now but I'm positive if I read him your reply he'd say "Yes, do that!"  :)

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #21 on: February 21, 2013, 02:01:31 AM »
I'm sorry, I assumed it was an office-type situation.  I have no experience in any type of law enforcement/military/correctional facility situations, but my gut tells me the dynamic is quite different.  Their behavior smacks of disrespect and an inability to relate to women as professional collegues.

Or I could be wrong. :-[
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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #22 on: February 21, 2013, 06:43:48 AM »
I actually think going to the superiors and saying "they are insinuateing I am having an affair" makes the situation worse.  I keep thinking "the lady doth protest too much."  (I don't think the OP is actually having an affair, I just think to HR it doesn't look good for the OP to be the one to reveal her alleged affair.) I don't get the sense that the coworkers are directly stating that there is an affair going on, because if that were their intention they would just report the alleged affair to HR.  This is hazing and from what I can tell the OP getting riled would be a "fail." Letting it not bother her and joking back would be a "win.

 am aware of the environment in which you work and I think it might be professional darwinism to not be able to take a joke. Now I am not saying you have no right to be upset, but I would handle it by throwing it back at them.  A PP suggested just going along with it making it clear it is a joke.  I bet this would work because it takes the fun out of it for the coworkers.

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2013, 10:04:46 AM »
I once got this in graduate school, when someone else joked about another student & I playing scrabble. I shouted across the room something like, "Hey, 'Frank,' X says it's time for us to go have s*x!"  He shouted back, "Hooray! I was hoping!" Laughter all around, never happened again.

Best part: Frank & I had actually Played Scrabble once.
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Dalek

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #24 on: February 21, 2013, 10:28:01 AM »
Could you coworkers be preparing you three to deal with prisoners? Maybe they are trying to toughen you guys up in a clumsy way.  :P
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Miss Tickle

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #25 on: February 21, 2013, 11:21:59 AM »
You are a woman in a man's world and have to behave as such. Don't worry about Jones, nothing you do on his behalf will help your case, he needs to deal with it himself. Don't let his upset drag you down with him.

If you show any weakness or they think you are whinging about this it will never end.  They will know they got under your skin and that will only emphasize your weakness to your coworkers.

If you want to move past this (and I agree it's hazing) fight fire with fire. Let the comments and jokes pass with a chuckle, ask if they're jealous, ask if they're mad you got to Jones first (or Sherrie)? Tell them you have your eyes on someone else instead and wiggle your eyebrows at the biggest offender, blow it up into the biggest joke you can.  Get them to laugh with you, not at you, or they'll be laughing at you (all) until you quit. They'll stop eventually but they won't forget how you handled it.

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #26 on: February 21, 2013, 11:26:44 AM »
For an office situation, I'd consult w/ HR about this because it's on the verge of sexual harrassment. And because Jones is VERY vulnerable here, as are the two of you. They're joking--but who might believe them?

And the other thing you all might do is come up with a line that you ALL can use whenever you hear it.

Something short and pointed, that you can deliver in a "suddenly arriving" cold, inflexible tone.

"That's an inappropriate joke and an insult to the three of us. Do not make it again."



In your situation, I'd be finding a mentor and asking them about how to handle this.

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #27 on: February 21, 2013, 11:29:30 AM »
They're messing with jones because it's working. When they called him back to the hub why did he go? He should have ignored them and kept walking.

I would say "I know you're joking, but the constant insinuations that I'm sleeping with coworkers is old and I want you to stop." If they didn't stop the next thing I'd say would be "You realize that continuing this 'joke' when you've been asked to stop is technically sexual harassment, right? I asked you to stop. I suggest you respect my request."

He had to return, no choice.



We have tried ignoring them and it keeps coming up because they keep bringing up it.  Just today another coworker asked Sherrie what her husband thought of us hanging out with Jones.  We have also tried going with the joke, and they just won't give up.  It's getting old, and frankly, I'd like to be able to talk about something else rather than always feeling like I have to go on the defensive or worry about what gossip they'll dream up next if I dare to be seen talking to Jones for five minutes longer than they deem necessary*.  I didn't post here when it first happened because I thought ignoring it would help, but it hasn't.  It's that it's been going on for weeks and I've finally had enough.

I think I may go for the derisive, "Don't you guys have anything more important going on in your lives than dreaming up gossip about your coworkers?" or something to a similar affect.


A simple, "Please stop.  This is very offensive to me and I don't appreciate being accused of a cheater on my boyfriend who incidentally thinks nothing of it as HE knows I can be trusted.  I would appreciate if you would do the same."  And walk away or turn firmly away from the offending party.  If they said oh we are just joking blah blah, reiterate what you just said.

TurtleDove

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #28 on: February 21, 2013, 11:38:54 AM »
You are a woman in a man's world and have to behave as such. Don't worry about Jones, nothing you do on his behalf will help your case, he needs to deal with it himself. Don't let his upset drag you down with him.

If you show any weakness or they think you are whinging about this it will never end.  They will know they got under your skin and that will only emphasize your weakness to your coworkers.

If you want to move past this (and I agree it's hazing) fight fire with fire. Let the comments and jokes pass with a chuckle, ask if they're jealous, ask if they're mad you got to Jones first (or Sherrie)? Tell them you have your eyes on someone else instead and wiggle your eyebrows at the biggest offender, blow it up into the biggest joke you can.  Get them to laugh with you, not at you, or they'll be laughing at you (all) until you quit. They'll stop eventually but they won't forget how you handled it.

POD.  Given the OP's line of work, traditional ways of handling this are not likely to be good for the OP in the long run.  If she doesn't like the hazing atmosphere of her job, I wouldn't blame her, but she is not likley to be able to change a longstanding culture of hazing.  It would be akin to trying to get drill sargeants to stop speaking condescendingly toward those in boot camp.  Is it offensive?  Well, arguabley.  Is it likely to change?  Nope, because it is proven to work to build character and comraderie and the skills needed to be effective in a high intensity (read, not office) environment.

BeagleMommy

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Re: You must think poorly of my rel[color=black]ationship[/color]...
« Reply #29 on: February 21, 2013, 11:43:05 AM »
Magpie, they keep the "joke" going because they are getting the reaction they want.  Probably the best response you could give them is a blank expression followed by a flat "Yes, I know.".  When they see they can't get any of you riled up it will cease to be funny to them.