Author Topic: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!  (Read 10576 times)

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LilacRosey

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sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« on: February 21, 2013, 02:47:22 AM »
I want to go visit my brother and his wife soon. I visit every 3 or four months bujt every time it seems my sister in law is busy no matter how much I plan in advance. I really like her but she is always doing something when I visit and I only see her for a couple of hours. And my brother works so its hard to schedule around both of them. Is there a way to ask my sister in law to make some time for me?, LilacRosey

sweetonsno

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2013, 03:45:08 AM »
Why not invite them to come stay with you? That way, they will hopefully have free time (I'd imagine that they could get a day or two off from work). If you arrange for time off as well, then everybody will be on basically the same schedule. You can arrange for activities with all three of you, some one-on-one activities with your SIL (if she's comfortable with it), and some couple time for the two of them.

LilacRosey

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2013, 04:21:58 AM »
I would love to but I life in an efficiency one bedroom apartment. I don't stay with them because they cant host me due to my disability and stairs. I stay at a motel when I visit. I do see them at my parent's for many holidays though., LilacRosey

sweetonsno

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2013, 04:41:11 AM »
Hmm. Have you had a chat with your brother about this? Is it possible that your SIL doesn't want to spend time with you one on one for some reason?

cicero

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2013, 05:07:34 AM »
I want to go visit my brother and his wife soon. I visit every 3 or four months bujt every time it seems my sister in law is busy no matter how much I plan in advance. I really like her but she is always doing something when I visit and I only see her for a couple of hours. And my brother works so its hard to schedule around both of them. Is there a way to ask my sister in law to make some time for me?, LilacRosey
It might help us to help you if we understand your SIL's schedule a bit. Does she work, are there children, is she in school? do you visit them several times a year, as well as see them over major holidays? because i have to be honest with you, if my SIL would visit me every few months, i probably wouldn't have that much time for her either - and I happen to love and get along with my two SILs and one of my BIL. i dont' even have much time for my siblings when they visit once a year - and my siblings don't have much time for me either when i visit them... we all work/have children/homes/etc.

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veryfluffy

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2013, 06:52:30 AM »
Do they invite you to come visit, or are you suggesting you want to come see them?
   

*inviteseller

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2013, 07:51:38 AM »
Maybe she feels you and your brother want to spend tome together without her?  How has she treated you in the past?  Has she been chatty and friendly or is she just polite?

fountainsoflettuce

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2013, 08:52:39 AM »
Visiting every 3-4 months plus your disability and you state, albeitconfusingly "I don't stay with them because they cant host me due to my disability and stairs" and stay at a motel...
perhaps this is just too much for SIL with everything else on her plate.  that's a lot of visits, trips to and from the hotel to pick/drop you off; presumably dealing with the stairs for bathroom trips and dealing with your disability.  You don't say how long your visits are but if you are staying at a motel, then it is more than a 1 day visit.   Is your brother around for your visits? Again, this is probably too much for SIL.  She may be resentful that your brother isn't around for these visits and it all falls on her. 

How old are you? From your earlier posts, I have the impression you are quite young. Do you drive to/from the motel?  How do you get to the motel?  Do they have to do anything special in their home due to your disability? Do they have children? Does SIL work outside the home?


BeagleMommy

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2013, 10:09:01 AM »
LilacRosey, have you tried getting dates from your SIL that work well for her and your brother?  Instead of saying "I'd like to come on March 122nd", you could say "I'd like to come visit you and Brother.  What dates work best for you?"

wolfie

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2013, 10:21:11 AM »
Are you friends with your SIL? I know my two soon to be ex-SIL and I wouldn't mind spending an evening or two catching up with them, but I don't know them well enough that I would actually want to spend an entire visit with them.

Shoo

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #10 on: February 21, 2013, 10:25:24 AM »
Are you friends with your SIL? I know my two soon to be ex-SIL and I wouldn't mind spending an evening or two catching up with them, but I don't know them well enough that I would actually want to spend an entire visit with them.

I agree.  Unless I had a sister-like relationship with my SIL, a couple of hours 4 times a year would be plenty for me.  Maybe she feels awkward after a couple of hours, so she keeps herself busy while you're visiting to minimize the awkwardness.  I don't think pushing for more time with her would be beneficial.  If she wants to spend more time with you, I think she will.  Asking your brother to intervene wouldn't be kind, either. 

WillyNilly

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #11 on: February 21, 2013, 10:44:13 AM »
I'm busy.  I have dear, life long friends whom I only get time to see once or twice a year, for a few hours each time.  You are visiting every 3-4 months, so 3-4 times a year.  And she is spending a few hours with you each time?  She is making A LOT of time for you in my opinion.

If you want more time with her, you might have to compromise on what you do with her.  Sometimes my best friend and I catch up while grocery shopping - we might not have time to hang out and get our weekly chores done, so we combine them, an you do something like that? She might simply not have tons of time to sit around chatting, but might have time to catch up while doing something else.

Alternatively do you plan for doing something fun while visiting?  Some people like to sit and talk to catch up/visit with family.  Some people thing that's painfully boring and a terrible waste of time.  But going to a museum, or to hear a speaker, or to a concert, or a local fair, or a sporting event, or whatever is fun for them. Or if you are always doing something when you visit, maybe she wants to just sit and chat.

It might not be that your SIL doesn't want to visit with you, it might be she doesn't want to visit they way you like to visit.

heartmug

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2013, 11:44:14 AM »
Are you friends with your SIL? I know my two soon to be ex-SIL and I wouldn't mind spending an evening or two catching up with them, but I don't know them well enough that I would actually want to spend an entire visit with them.

POD.  That might be it.  To her, it might seem you two do spend enough time together.   You catch up and that is enough for her.  Some peoplel don't like chit-chat.

I do think you need to ask her.
One option in a tug of war with someone is just to drop the rope.

NotTheNarcissist

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #13 on: February 21, 2013, 12:16:25 PM »
Are you friends with your SIL? I know my two soon to be ex-SIL and I wouldn't mind spending an evening or two catching up with them, but I don't know them well enough that I would actually want to spend an entire visit with them.

POD.  That might be it.  To her, it might seem you two do spend enough time together.   You catch up and that is enough for her.  Some peoplel don't like chit-chat.

I do think you need to ask her.

Parking my pod here.

I was wondering if you are invited every 3or 4 months? Or do you invite yourself to visit them? I don't mean to sound cold, but if you are inviting yourself, that may be part of whatever is going on.

OP, you know your SIL better than we do, so you know if she would be open to a heart-to-heart chat about your visits & length of time there. If you can have a heart-to-heart, I'm sure it would help everyone. if she's not open to it, then pushing one on her may make the situation worse. Hopefully she is open though.

bah12

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Re: sister in law doesnt seem to want to visit help!
« Reply #14 on: February 21, 2013, 01:53:05 PM »
I think I need more info to say exactly what I think you should do, but with the little bit given, I'd suggest that you do the following:

1.  Ask her when a good time for you to visit would be.
2.  Tell her if there is something specific you'd like to do with her while you are visiting.  Be clear that you want to spend some time with her as well as your brother.
3.  Recognize that it's difficult for anyone to clear their entire schedule when someone is in town...especially if that person is in town 3-4 times a year (and you see them on holidays).  Be reasonable with your expectations.
4.  It may help if you visit less often.  It's possible that the frequency of the trips makes them more routine vs. something she'd take time off of work or other commitments for because there's not going to be another chance for her to make it up in a couple of months.