Am I rude for not shoveling the driveway?

[TootsNYC]

I think her question is still pretty clear:
Is she rude for not shoveling the driveway?


OP, I think you might need to talk w/ Tom about why he thinks it needs to be done so early.

Get him to clearly articulate the REASON he thinks it's important. He may have one that you didn't think of. And you can challenge some of his assumptions in return--who knows, he may be shoveling at 6:30 bcs his dad always did, or something.

[Aeris]

Your boyfriend is being childish and a twit by refusing to shovel at all, ever, but I think you knew that already.

Why does Tom feel the shoveling MUST be done at 6:30am as opposed to 7pm? Because I stand by my assertion that he has a right to insist you guys do half the shoveling, but no right to insist you do your half at 6:30am.

They also have a right to insist that you guys do half of reasonable mowing in the summer - and "reasonable mowing" is a whole lot more than 2 times a summer.

I completely agree that sometimes doing chores you don't care for is part of being an adult and a considerate neighbor. On top of 'neighbor', you all are joint owners. I can't fathom *why* your BF and his sister are joint owners, as they clearly have wildly different ideas of what reasonable property management entails, but for the time being, compromise is necessary - whether you personally enjoy the chores or not.

[bonyk]

Yes, I think you're rude.  IMO, shoveling needs to be done in the morning so that people entering and exiting the house can do so safely.  I understand Tom's frustration.

[Scuba_Dog]

Your boyfriend is being childish and a twit by refusing to shovel at all, ever, but I think you knew that already.

Why does Tom feel the shoveling MUST be done at 6:30am as opposed to 7pm? Because I stand by my assertion that he has a right to insist you guys do half the shoveling, but no right to insist you do your half at 6:30am.

They also have a right to insist that you guys do half of reasonable mowing in the summer - and "reasonable mowing" is a whole lot more than 2 times a summer.
I completely agree that sometimes doing chores you don't care for is part of being an adult and a considerate neighbor. On top of 'neighbor', you all are joint owners. I can't fathom *why* your BF and his sister are joint owners, as they clearly have wildly different ideas of what reasonable property management entails, but for the time being, compromise is necessary - whether you personally enjoy the chores or not.

I agree with every point here - especially the bolded.

Honestly, it seems like you and your husband and his brother and wife have very different ideas and standards when it comes to lifestyles.  In order to preserve future family harmony, I'd seriously consider finding a way out of this living situation.

I do think you are being rude by not shoveling your driveway.  Do it in the evening if thats when it works - but you or your husband should be doing it.

[DavidH]

If the original questions still stands, yes, it's rude to refuse to shovel.  If you don't mind doing it later, I don't think it is unreasonable of you to sit down and say that you will alternate, and the rule will be that the snow must be clear by X time.  I'd suggest X is something before the next morning and after 6:30 AM.  I can see why not driving out a snowy driveway would be a plus, but if that makes no difference to you and is still passable, I suppose it's fine.

I think this is a social unit kind of deal.  Just as you'd expect you and your bf to be invited to a party together, it is up to you as a couple to clear the snow.  It is unreasonable to expect someone outside of your relationship to moderate that.  How you clear it doesn't really matter, you can shovel, snow blow, hire a plow company, so long as it's done. 

For the summer, there is a large around of space between fussy flower bed and mowed twice a summer.  If you are talking about a garden in a town or suburb, wildflowery meadow is not really a reasonable option.  For a large field in the country, it might be a different story. 

As an aside, I'm waiting for a post where someone says that they think having a giant junk heap of might-be-useful-at-some-point car parts and a literal dungheap right up against the fence is fine since their neighbor only mows their yard twice a season and would we consider that rude.

[DottyG]

The updated details slightly alter some of what I was thinking with my answer.  In answer to your question of "are you rude for not shoveling", I'm going to have to agree with the others above that you may be.  And I think that you're rude for not doing the summer work as well.  I didn't realize it was quite this much of an "all or nothing" type of situation.

I also agree with the following:

Honestly, it seems like you and your husband and his brother and wife have very different ideas and standards when it comes to lifestyles.  In order to preserve future family harmony, I'd seriously consider finding a way out of this living situation.

This living situation isn't a good fit for you and your boyfriend.  If you're wanting a place where you can let things be more au naturale, it's fine, but this isn't it.

[rose red]

Yes, I think you're rude.  IMO, shoveling needs to be done in the morning so that people entering and exiting the house can do so safely.  I understand Tom's frustration.

I can get in and out of a driveway perfectly fine with only ankle high snow.  I'm always relieved when it's that small of an amount so I can wait until after work.

On the other hand, mowing the lawn only two times a year...well, lets just say I don't agree when it's a shared lawn, and I'll leave it at that.

[Queen of Clubs]

There's also a summer version of this argument, where my boyfriend and me think that a garden needs to be mowed about twice a summer or so and looks fine as a wildflowery meadow, while SIL and Tom keep a fussy flower bed and a vegetable garden they want our help with.

Are your two gardens separate?  If so, you can (IMO) do what you want with yours while they do what they want with theirs.  I don't see why you have to help out with their vegetable garden if it isn't also your vegetable garden, unless you're expecting half the produce.

As for the snow-clearing, I don't see why this should fall to you when your boyfriend refuses to do any at all.  I can understand Tom's frustration though, as it's not fair on him that he has to do all of it.  Can you get him to agree that on alternate days you'll clear the driveway in the evening?  If not, then I think you're stuck with Tom being annoyed about it or caving and doing your (and your boyfriend's!) half in the morning.

ETA: Would it be possible for the four of you to hire someone to clear the drive every morning?  Even though it probably wouldn't be at 6.30am, maybe Tom would be able to accept the drive being done at 9 or 10 as long as it *is* done, and if the payment is split between all of you, then that's fairer than one person being stuck with all the work.

[Sharnita]

I think that with your views om maintanence work like shoveli.g or the yard you and bf should not share driveways, gardens, etc. A rental or other sitiation where someone else does the work might be for the best.

[MrsJWine]

Have you talked with Tom about shoveling later? If he's not willing to compromise on that at all, it's a bit silly of him to expect you to do half the shoveling.

As for the grass, that can become a hazard. Mostly as an attraction for vermin. Despite me being obsessive about wiping the counters and sweeping crumbs off the floor, we got mice a few years ago. The neighbors moved out, and the bank that took their house only did lawn care twice a summer. Come fall, the mice that had been enjoying their pretty little meadow came scurrying into our warm house. It was not my favorite thing. We didn't care a thing about how the lawn looked, but we mowed often enough not to create a habitat for vermin. I had to throw away a bunch of food and spend a lot of time deep-cleaning my kitchen.

[GlassHalfFull]

Have you talked with Tom about shoveling later? If he's not willing to compromise on that at all, it's a bit silly of him to expect you to do half the shoveling.

As for the grass, that can become a hazard. Mostly as an attraction for vermin. Despite me being obsessive about wiping the counters and sweeping crumbs off the floor, we got mice a few years ago. The neighbors moved out, and the bank that took their house only did lawn care twice a summer. Come fall, the mice that had been enjoying their pretty little meadow came scurrying into our warm house. It was not my favorite thing. We didn't care a thing about how the lawn looked, but we mowed often enough not to create a habitat for vermin. I had to throw away a bunch of food and spend a lot of time deep-cleaning my kitchen.

I'm guessing that's a bit of an understatement?   

[MrsJWine]

Have you talked with Tom about shoveling later? If he's not willing to compromise on that at all, it's a bit silly of him to expect you to do half the shoveling.

As for the grass, that can become a hazard. Mostly as an attraction for vermin. Despite me being obsessive about wiping the counters and sweeping crumbs off the floor, we got mice a few years ago. The neighbors moved out, and the bank that took their house only did lawn care twice a summer. Come fall, the mice that had been enjoying their pretty little meadow came scurrying into our warm house. It was not my favorite thing. We didn't care a thing about how the lawn looked, but we mowed often enough not to create a habitat for vermin. I had to throw away a bunch of food and spend a lot of time deep-cleaning my kitchen.

I'm guessing that's a bit of an understatement?   

Hah! Indeed. There may have been some swearing and an overabundance of bleach.

[onyonryngs]

Driveways and walkways need to be shoveled.  It's part of what you sign on for when you buy a house.  So is mowing your lawn.  Your wildflower meadow is attractive to snakes & vermin.  It doesn't look good.  It sounds like your boyfriend wants the benefits of owning a home without doing any of the work.  At the very least, talk with Tom or pay a neighborhood kid to shovel and mow when needed.  If Tom knew that it would be shoveled before he got home after work, he probably wouldn't shovel at 6am.

[Editeer]

With the update, I'm thinking that this is an issue between OP's boyfriend and his sister, and it is not the OP's to solve.

Is there a neighbor kid (or adult) who might want to shovel the driveway for you in return for money?

[Mental Magpie]

Driveways and walkways need to be shoveled.  It's part of what you sign on for when you buy a house.  So is mowing your lawn.  Your wildflower meadow is attractive to snakes & vermin.  It doesn't look good.  It sounds like your boyfriend wants the benefits of owning a home without doing any of the work.  At the very least, talk with Tom or pay a neighborhood kid to shovel and mow when needed.  If Tom knew that it would be shoveled before he got home after work, he probably wouldn't shovel at 6am.

I disagree with the first part of this.  When you buy a house, within law, you get to decide what you do with it; that includes mowing the lawn and shoveling the drive.  Also, it obviously does look good to some people; many are proponents of natural lawns.

I do, however, agree with the second part.  If you cannot come to some sort of compromise with Tom about who does what when and how much AND you still don't want to do any of it, the least you can do is to hire someone.  It is rude not to pull your weight and that is what is happening.  Sure, both sides disagree on a fundamental level, but it is unfair to expect Tom to do it all just because you disagree.  Try work something out with him, even if it means you exclusively shovel on the weekends and hire someone else to do it two of the other days of the week so Tom only has to do it three days himself.