Today's Dear Prudence -

[violinp]

Agreed, LW is rude and wants lurid details.  There are many reasons, other than killing people, the military folks don't want to talk about serious experiences.  DH served 2 tours in Vietnam, one as infantry and one as a nurse.  He ONLY tells funny stories.  My oldest DS did search and rescue in New Orleans after Katrina, with the National Guard.  He has a few funny stories, but there are still things he won't talk about. 

Other issues are security.  We have a friend who just retired from military intelligence and actively broke up spy rings.  We will be chatting and he will start a story only to stop and say, sorry, can't say any more.  Parts of that are still classified.

Exactly. I don't have any (living) family members in the service, but I do have a family member who assisted with intelligence kinds of things, and there are still things he can't tell anyone.

I have a friend who served in Iraq, and I only know a few things about his service. The things he has told me would belong in the Gross - Out thread, except when I asked about one of his tattoos. He told me it was one his whole unit of 14 guys got - it symbolized how death was the only sure thing in life. Out of 14 guys, only 3 came back, and they're all permanently disabled. With that story, with the added stuff I will not mention, it really hits home for me why people in the service don't talk about what they did.

The LW is being really impertinent and disrespectful of his BF, and I really think he needs the reality check that there really are things you don't tell other people - no, not even your significant other.

[m2kbug]

I don't know of many veterans who wish to discuss the details of their military experience aside from funny and good memories.  I've heard some pretty horrid experiences through my work, and I can hardly blame them for not wishing to discuss it.  In addition, these things can trigger PTSD.  The LW was rude and pushy, especially the amount of detail he wanted on a first date or short-term rel@tionship.  How many of us go into any gory details of our past so early in a rel@tionship?  Certain things will come up as the rel@tionship goes on, though all the minute details may be glossed over.  They have been together for a year and he's a great guy.  Leave it at that.  If this is a huge concern, perhaps this rel@tionship is not a good match and he needs to find someone with no background in the armed forces.   

[Margo]

Yes, I think not being willing to discuss things is fairly common. My grandfather served in WW2, and the only things he ever talked about were funny stories. At his funeral a former comrade if his talked about some the places they'd been and it was clear that he'd been in some very nasty situations.
I have an uncle who was in the Army and (from knowing which unit he was in and during which period) undoubtably saw some very active service. He never talks about any of it.

[SiotehCat]

I can understand the LW.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone that had killed another person. Not knowing would drive me crazy. If I were in a relationship with someone that refused to reassure me that he hadn't killed anyone, I would have to walk away.

LW should walk away if this is important to him.

[EllenS]

I can understand the LW.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone that had killed another person. Not knowing would drive me crazy. If I were in a relationship with someone that refused to reassure me that he hadn't killed anyone, I would have to walk away.

LW should walk away if this is important to him.

Then don't you think you should "recuse yourself" from dating veterans?  LW knew this guy was a vet before they ever went out.  If he has a problem with that, he shouldn't have dated him rather than put BF in such a position.  Why would you date someone just to be able to judge them up-close?

[Winterlight]

I can understand the LW.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone that had killed another person. Not knowing would drive me crazy. If I were in a relationship with someone that refused to reassure me that he hadn't killed anyone, I would have to walk away.

LW should walk away if this is important to him.

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable, but when your partner has repeatedly told you he can't discuss it, then the choice is to either let it go or end the relationship- not stay in it and keep nagging.

[Sterling]

Your feelings are valid but that means not dating someone who served in active duty.

My uncle was in Vietnam and to this day doesn't talk about what happened there.  He will brush it off with a joke about frying his brain on weed or something.  But the man use to wake up from night terrors and nearly strangled my aunt in her sleep because he was having a nightmare.

My grandfather never talked about what he saw or did there but would often tell jokes about it.

[Two Ravens]

Your feelings are valid but that means not dating someone who served in active duty.

Or a police officer. Or a federal agent. Or private security. Or any profession that requires you to carry a gun. Or a medical professional...

[Jocelyn]

Your feelings are valid but that means not dating someone who served in active duty.

Or a police officer. Or a federal agent. Or private security. Or any profession that requires you to carry a gun. Or a medical professional...

Or anyone, really, who could have been in a fatal car wreck.

[SiotehCat]

I can understand the LW.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone that had killed another person. Not knowing would drive me crazy. If I were in a relationship with someone that refused to reassure me that he hadn't killed anyone, I would have to walk away.

LW should walk away if this is important to him.

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable, but when your partner has repeatedly told you he can't discuss it, then the choice is to either let it go or end the relationship- not stay in it and keep nagging.

Oh, I completely agree. That is why I said that I think the LW should walk away.