Etiquette School is in session! > "Why would I want to do that?"

Going to a funeral but not to the other

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Gail:
Hi all. Thank you for your answers.

My motives? 1. No love lost, like one of you said. She is my mother's mother, not my grandma.
2. I'm busy and I would have to travel 6 hours (and another 6 hours back).
3. Not in a good relationship with my mother, as one of you guessed.
4. I guess that after trying to prevent me going to my grandparents funeral she has no right to ask me to go to his mother's. But, of course, a death bed is no time to tell her that.

Still waiting for her call. Nervous as hell.

Redneck Gravy:
Shine up your spine and say "that will not be possible"

If you are truly too busy to drive 12 hours roundtrip to the funeral of someone you had no relationship with don't do it. 

I agree with with others about a funeral being for the living.  If you choose not to attend I think you should understand that your mother will see it as not being supportive.  If you and your mom have a bad re@l@tionship this could either mend it or rip it farther apart.  You know your mom better than anyone here in eHell.

kudeebee:
I would not go.  You didn't have a relationship with this grandmother.  You said that your mother called you by accident, that she meant to call her brother.  You also state that your relationship with her is not good and that you live a long ways away.

Do not feel pressured to go.  When mom calls back and gives you the information, listen to her.  When she asks if you will be coming, tell her "unfortunately, I am not going to be able to make the trip."  If she starts in on the fact that you went to other grandparents funerals, stop her and repeat your phrase, then tell her you "need to go, you have an appointment" and hang up the phone. 

No one can make you do anything you do not want to do. 

dawbs:
I would focus on your mom in the conversation.

So "so, I'll plan on you coming up for the funeral, it's at 8 on Thursday" would be met with "Mom, that's not going to work, I'm not able to be there."
But the rest of the conversation, where you can, I would focus on her "your grandma died" can be met with "mom, I'm sorry.  You must be very upset.  How are you holding up" type things

doodlemor:

--- Quote from: Minmom3 on February 21, 2013, 01:25:42 PM ---  Make your list of pro's and con's and see what works best for you.

--- End quote ---

I think that this is wise advice.  If you have a paper list of things it may help you decide on a practical basis, instead of having all of the thoughts swirling around in your head.

Also, I don't think that your mom called you by mistake at all.  It sounds like she is rather devious.

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