When the camera shy feel left out

[SPuck]

http://www.denverpost.com/askamy/ci_22631432/ask-amy-couple-wants-exclude-cousins-from-house-warming-party-2-21-2013

I was reading Ask Amy today, as well as CrochetFanatic's thread, and I feel that the advice was off. If you actively try to delete yourself from family and candid photos, you shouldn't complain when you don't appear in the albums.

[LeveeWoman]

http://www.denverpost.com/askamy/ci_22631432/ask-amy-couple-wants-exclude-cousins-from-house-warming-party-2-21-2013

I was reading Ask Amy today, as well as CrochetFanatic's thread, and I feel that the advice was off. If you actively try to delete yourself from family and candid photos, you shouldn't complain when you don't appear in the albums.

Unlike our CrochetFanatic, the step-mother sounds as if she's a special snowflake.

[Moray]

http://www.denverpost.com/askamy/ci_22631432/ask-amy-couple-wants-exclude-cousins-from-house-warming-party-2-21-2013

I was reading Ask Amy today, as well as CrochetFanatic's thread, and I feel that the advice was off. If you actively try to delete yourself from family and candid photos, you shouldn't complain when you don't appear in the albums.

Unlike our CrochetFanatic, the step-mother sounds as if she's a special snowflake.

POD.

[Shoo]

I actually kind of agree with Amy on this one.  At least, I agree that having some compassion for the stepmother's feelings is warranted.  I don't think she's a special snowflake for feeling like she does.  I think anyone would feel left out, regardless of how or why it happened.  I like Amy's idea of talking about it and promising to make sure to get shots of her and the baby from now on so she can be included in the next photo book.

[Judah]

I actually kind of agree with Amy on this one.  At least, I agree that having some compassion for the stepmother's feelings is warranted.  I don't think she's a special snowflake for feeling like she does.  I think anyone would feel left out, regardless of how or why it happened.  I like Amy's idea of talking about it and promising to make sure to get shots of her and the baby from now on so she can be included in the next photo book.

But she excluded herself. I can understand her feeling left out, but she did it to herself and doesn't have a leg to stand on.

[Shoo]

I actually kind of agree with Amy on this one.  At least, I agree that having some compassion for the stepmother's feelings is warranted.  I don't think she's a special snowflake for feeling like she does.  I think anyone would feel left out, regardless of how or why it happened.  I like Amy's idea of talking about it and promising to make sure to get shots of her and the baby from now on so she can be included in the next photo book.

But she excluded herself. I can understand her feeling left out, but she did it to herself and doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Yes, but that doesn't mean she doesn't *feel* the way she feels.  I think being kind and promising to include her more in the future is the way to handle this.  She didn't know a picture book would be made, just like the letter writer didn't know.  Now they all know, and so if it happens again, THEN she won't have a leg to stand on.

[rose red]

Reminds me of an old Cathy comic strip where Cathy keeps hiding and complaining when her mother tries to take pictures.  In the last panel, the family is looking at photo albums and Cathy cries "why aren't there pictures of me?!"

The couple doesn't owe the stepmother an apology.  They can explain how the books came about, but no apology.

eta:  Even if the photos are not Christmas gifts to be shared with the world, the stepmother didn't even want private pictures of her and the baby for the first nine months?  It sounds like it's only now that the pictures are public that she's crying foul.

[TurtleDove]

I'm with Judah.  This woman cannot have it both ways.  The letter writer honored her wishes not to be photographed.  Hence, there were no photographs of her.  Bed. Made. Lie.  If the woman wants to be in an upcoming book, she should let people take her photo.  It's really that simple.  I think the woman chose an odd form of vanity over photographic memories of times she shared with her grandchild.

[GSNW]

The stepmother in the letter needs to get over herself.  The photo album is about baby.  Stepmother is actively adverse to people keeping pictures of her.  Hello?  Is this about her time with baby or her need to feel glamorous in every photo?  Her attitude needs some self-examination.

I love having pics of myself with my nieces.  I say to SIL, "Hey, get one with me and the girls."  I don't pout if she doesn't do it herself and I don't examine images for flaws before I allow them to be kept/printed.  It's not about me!

It's been said plenty of times here but applies in this situation.  Being polite/considerate doesn't mean being a doormat, and Amy's reply is ridiculous.  "Too rushed to be inclusive" ?  Sorry, that's not what actually happened.  Amy expects the parents to justify a "flaw" their generous/fun project that was the direct result of Stepmother's nonsense.  I don't think so!

[SPuck]

Unlike our CrochetFanatic, the step-mother sounds as if she's a special snowflake.

I was just inspired to post it because of the threat, not about anyone in particular.

[bah12]

While I agree with those that say that someone that doesn't want their picture taken shouldn't complain about not being in a photo album, I do think that those that made the album could have at least reached out to her and said "we're making an album about the baby and giving it to the whole family.  Everyone is in it but you.  Do you have a picture of you'd like us to include?"  Granted, that wasn't the plan when they took the pictures, but once they decided to do it, I don't think it would have been so bad to just mention it to her so that she's not left out.

A photo album on your coffee table with pictures from your family vacation that don't include SM, is one thing.  But an album, given as a gift to all grandparents that don't include one of the grandparents receiving the gift, does seem off.  The purpose of the "gift" I think would be for the grandparents to have a momento of their first moments with the baby.  But the SM was given a gift that she can't really use for that purpose. Even if it stemmed from her not wanting her picture taken, I do think that the LW could have asked her for something to include (I would not have made a special trip to take a specific picture after the fact).

[Deetee]

I think that while the step-mom is a bit silly, the advice is still sound. Apologize and take a few bonus pics.

This also depends on HOW picky the step mom is.

I made a similar album when my kid was one and gave one to each set of grandparents (4 sets, so 8 total). We made 4 versions of the album and each one for the grandparents included at least one shot of each grandparent with the baby. (Most pics were the same and then we included various relatives that got divvied into two sets as being of more interest)

Unless the step-mom was actively snatching the camera from my hand, I would have had a shot of her at some point.

(FTR, I think the step-mom and dad are petty and ridiculous, but there is nothing to be lost by saying "Yeah, it was tough because step-mom kept asking us delete the pictures that had her in them. I'm sorry about that. This year we can try to get some more photos and, please always remember that if you have any nice ones that you want to send us we can get them in next years.")

[TurtleDove]

But an album, given as a gift to all grandparents that don't include one of the grandparents receiving the gift, does seem off.  The purpose of the "gift" I think would be for the grandparents to have a momento of their first moments with the baby. 

I agree.  But it is solely the SM's fault that photos of her do not exist.  I don't even see this as the SM being wronged, but rather the baby and family who do not have photos of the baby with his SGM because she placed her own version of vanity over the joy of capturing what she really looks like, right now, when her grandchild is young, playing with him.  It baffles me!

[Knitterly]

I also feel that the stepmother is being a special snowflake.  Not to mention ridiculous!

Something really similar happened to me at LK's one month celebration (chinese family tradition).  We had a slideshow playing of pictures taken to date.  There were lots of Mr K and I with LK.  Lots of LK on her own.  Lots of LK with Mr K's parents.  None of LK with my parents.

My mother, naturally, was horribly offended and came up to me demanding to know why there were no pictures of her and my father.  I was so utterly stunned, that it was one of the few times I had a solid retort that was neither rude nor apologetic and doormat-ish.
I just looked at her and said "Uhm, because there are no pictures of you and dad."

She visited me once for 10 minutes 2 weeks after LK was born.  That celebration was the first time my dad had seen LK.

I sat her and my dad down and took a picture right then and there.  I included it in all future baby albums that she would be likely to see.  The audacity of that statement still leaves me shaking my head a year and a half later.

Amy's advice was wrong.  You cannot include something that simply doesn't exist.  And if the stepmother is so incredibly self-absorbed to not realize that, it's hardly the letter writer's fault.  If the stepmother doesn't approve pictures of her, there can be no pictures of her to include, regardless of how much effort you make to take them.

[bah12]

But an album, given as a gift to all grandparents that don't include one of the grandparents receiving the gift, does seem off.  The purpose of the "gift" I think would be for the grandparents to have a momento of their first moments with the baby. 

I agree.  But it is solely the SM's fault that photos of her do not exist.  I don't even see this as the SM being wronged, but rather the baby and family who do not have photos of the baby with his SGM because she placed her own version of vanity over the joy of capturing what she really looks like, right now, when her grandchild is young, playing with him.  It baffles me!

Yes, it is her fault.  She is being ridiculous and now she sees the consequences of how ridiculous that is. 

But, I still think it's insensitive to give her a "gift" chronicling the baby's first 9 months, include every other grandparent and great grandparent and not include her.  Why give her the gift?  I see this as a sticky issue too with step parents.  She didn't consider the consequences of her vanity and that's on her.  I just think that the LW could have been like "SM, I'm making this album and I noticed you're not in any picture that we have.  If you send me some pictures by X date, I'll include you.  I really wish we had more candid shots of you and baby as we all enjoy looking back on them and remembering that all of us, inlcuding you, were there." 

So, SM is at fault..., but I also think that the LW could have been more sensitive too.