When the camera shy feel left out

[lady_disdain]

Unfortunately, the alternatives would be to give all the other grandparents copies of the album and still excluding her or not giving any albums, which would be unfair to the others.

[Giggity]

We can do this like you do with kids: Choices and Consequences. Every choice has a consequence. She is an adult. She made the choice to not be in any pictures. She has to live with the consequence, which (not surprisingly) is that there are no pictures of her.

[kudeebee]

I actually like what knitterly said "because there are no pictures of you and baby" and would use this when talking with the two of them.

If it is brought up again, tell her and fil that you are sorry that this happened but there were not any pictures of sm and baby to include because none exist.  Tell sm that you would like to have some pics with baby that could be included in a future album, but if you keep telling us to delete photos of you, there won't be any.  Ask if she would like you to take a few pics right now that you could perhaps use for another album.  See what she says and go from there.

[rose red]

A PP said it's vanity and I agree.  It's not a formal portrait in which she was excluded.  It's candid and impromptu shots of the baby's life, and relatives happen to be in some of them.  The SM is the one who deleted herself out of the baby's life (in picture form) for the first 9 months.  Why does she care now when she didn't care there were no pictures before?  It's not because of the baby, but because she feels left out and is now making it all about her.  She can still take new pictures and stick it in her album, but then the other giftees won't have her picture. 

eta:  Ok, perhaps the reason she is upset is because she wouldn't have deleted pictures if she'd known about the book, but even the couple didn't know.  The only person she should be upset with is herself.

[TurtleDove]

But, I still think it's insensitive to give her a "gift" chronicling the baby's first 9 months, include every other grandparent and great grandparent and not include her.  Why give her the gift?  I see this as a sticky issue too with step parents.  She didn't consider the consequences of her vanity and that's on her.  I just think that the LW could have been like "SM, I'm making this album and I noticed you're not in any picture that we have.  If you send me some pictures by X date, I'll include you.  I really wish we had more candid shots of you and baby as we all enjoy looking back on them and remembering that all of us, inlcuding you, were there." 

So, SM is at fault..., but I also think that the LW could have been more sensitive too.

I though SM was married to the LW's father, who is in the book? That is why I would give it to her/them.  I also think it would be really strange to include a photo of the SM without the baby. This is not about the SM! I guess I see that the LW could have done X, Y or Z, but I don't think she was at all insensitive for not doing so. 

[bah12]

No.  If someone came on this board and said "I'm making a photo album about my baby and giving it to all grandparents, but I don't have any pictures of my SM because she doesn't like her picture being taken.  What do I do?"

I would say, "Ask her for some pictures.  Give her a date to get them to you and make your album. If she doesn't get you the pictures or makes it too much of an ordeal go along with your plans without her."  I get that others would go the 'do nothing' route, but that's just not how I'd handle that situation and don't feel even that it's the best way to handle it (not rude, maybe etiquettely correct, but not the best way).

Just because the SM is weird and wrong and a special snowflake, doesn't give anyone else an excuse to be insensitive and shrug it off as "she made her bed and I'm helping her lie in it."

How hard is it to ask for a picture?  Or even do what was suggested to the LW and say "I just didn't have any pictures of you.  I understand how you feel and I wasn't trying to purposely exclude you. If you let me take pictures of you in the future, I'll be sure to include you in future albums."  None of these require much effort on the LW's part and it keeps her in the clear as far as accusations of "not doing enough" to include her SM.

[TurtleDove]

"I just didn't have any pictures of you.  I understand how you feel and I wasn't trying to purposely exclude you. If you let me take pictures of you in the future, I'll be sure to include you in future albums." 

This I would do.

[Judah]

"I just didn't have any pictures of you.  I understand how you feel and I wasn't trying to purposely exclude you. If you let me take pictures of you in the future, I'll be sure to include you in future albums." 

This I would do.

I agree. I wouldn't say, "Too bad, so sad. This is what happens when you don't let us take pictures of you."  I would likely say something like the quote above, but I would make it clear that the reason there aren't any pictures of her in the album is because she wouldn't let us take any and if she'd like to be included in the future, she needs to make herself available for pictures.

[NyaChan]

No.  If someone came on this board and said "I'm making a photo album about my baby and giving it to all grandparents, but I don't have any pictures of my SM because she doesn't like her picture being taken.  What do I do?"

I would say, "Ask her for some pictures.  Give her a date to get them to you and make your album. If she doesn't get you the pictures or makes it too much of an ordeal go along with your plans without her."  I get that others would go the 'do nothing' route, but that's just not how I'd handle that situation and don't feel even that it's the best way to handle it (not rude, maybe etiquettely correct, but not the best way).

Just because the SM is weird and wrong and a special snowflake, doesn't give anyone else an excuse to be insensitive and shrug it off as "she made her bed and I'm helping her lie in it."

How hard is it to ask for a picture?  Or even do what was suggested to the LW and say "I just didn't have any pictures of you.  I understand how you feel and I wasn't trying to purposely exclude you. If you let me take pictures of you in the future, I'll be sure to include you in future albums."  None of these require much effort on the LW's part and it keeps her in the clear as far as accusations of "not doing enough" to include her SM.

Exactly.  This is what I was thinking.  They may not have known every time they took the pictures originally that they would be used in a book, but once they knew they were making such a book, they should have made an effort to get a picture so that they could include it.

[TurtleDove]

Exactly.  This is what I was thinking.  They may not have known every time they took the pictures originally that they would be used in a book, but once they knew they were making such a book, they should have made an effort to get a picture so that they could include it.

This makes my brian hurt in conjuction with the thread that suggested such behavior would be bullying!  Either we are to respect someone's wishes who asks not to be photographed or not.

[GSNW]

This makes my brian hurt in conjuction with the thread that suggested such behavior would be bullying!  Either we are to respect someone's wishes who asks not to be photographed or not.

Agreed!  And Ask Amy did NOT suggest that the LW simply say, "there weren't any pictures of you."  What she said was tell her "You were too rushed to be inclusive."  This is a flat-out lie.  They put together a book with the materials they had, and SM made sure they didn't have any of her.  She might not have foreseen the consequences, but it's not the LW's responsibility to soothe SM's ego based on her OWN choices.

[bah12]

Exactly.  This is what I was thinking.  They may not have known every time they took the pictures originally that they would be used in a book, but once they knew they were making such a book, they should have made an effort to get a picture so that they could include it.

This makes my brian hurt in conjuction with the thread that suggested such behavior would be bullying!  Either we are to respect someone's wishes who asks not to be photographed or not.

How is mentioning the album not respecting their wishes? She's still not insisting that the photo be taken.

LW: "I want to take a picture of you and baby."
SM: "No, I prefer you not".
LW: "Ok"  Respecting wishes.
or
LW: 'click' - not respecting wishes

"Hey, I'm making the grandparents a photo album filled with pictures of them and the baby.  Do you want to be included?  I don't have any pictures of you..."

Considerate...not disrespectful.  She can still say no.

Also, I want to add that I think that the SM shouldn't have made a big deal about this.  Yes, I think that the LW should have said something to her before hand, but when she didn't, she should have just realized that this is her fault and let it go.  It just doesn't change my opinion about the LW should have done or what she should do now.

[TurtleDove]

"Hey, I'm making the grandparents a photo album filled with pictures of them and the baby.  Do you want to be included?  I don't have any pictures of you..."

Even after the SM has asked to not have her photo taken? 

[Deetee]

Exactly.  This is what I was thinking.  They may not have known every time they took the pictures originally that they would be used in a book, but once they knew they were making such a book, they should have made an effort to get a picture so that they could include it.

This makes my brian hurt in conjuction with the thread that suggested such behavior would be bullying!  Either we are to respect someone's wishes who asks not to be photographed or not.

I think you are searching for false comparisons. No-one thinks that a simple request for a photo is bullying or unreasonable. Also the step-mom is picky, but she still allows her picture to be taken. So the suggestion that the couple contact step mum and say "hey we want a picture or you won't be in the album" is perfect. The step-mum can refuse and then loses the right to complain about not being included. Or she can get some pictures taken. The choice is hers.

[Ceallach]

Actions have consequences.  If I were the stepmother, I would feel hurt, but i would also recognize that the situation was of my own making.    I don't think the couple were rude assuming they at least attempted to find a photo in their collection.

Personally I have no patience for the camera shy (despite being terribly un photogenic myself!) and frequently find camera shy behavior to actually and ironically be attention seeking.  I will always respect their wishes, but I'm not going to go out of my way to pander to them.