When the camera shy feel left out

[TurtleDove]

Personally I have no patience for the camera shy (despite being terribly un photogenic myself!) and frequently find camera shy behavior to actually and ironically be attention seeking.  I will always respect their wishes, but I'm not going to go out of my way to pander to them.

This is the way I feel about it.  In this situation, I don't really understand why the SM both 1) does not want her photo taken but 2) is upset that her photo is not in a book to be shown to others.  I think both are attention seeking behavior. And again, this is a BABY book.  Not a SM book.

[bah12]

"Hey, I'm making the grandparents a photo album filled with pictures of them and the baby.  Do you want to be included?  I don't have any pictures of you..."

Even after the SM has asked to not have her photo taken?

she's picky about the photos and asks that they be deleted...not that she never wants her picture taken.

[Hawkwatcher]

I think the LW was in a lose-lose situation.  If the LW had told the SM that they were making a book, she might have let them keep the pictures.  But once she got the book, she might have still complained if the pictures were less than perfect.

[TurtleDove]

she's picky about the photos and asks that they be deleted...not that she never wants her picture taken.

I still struggle to see how this would play out.  So now time playing with the baby becomes more about a photo shoot for the SM, with constant breaks for her to make she gets a shot she approves of?  What if the baby doesn't look good in a particular photo?  I am glad I don't have to deal with this.  To me, the SM is 100% SS.

[bah12]

she's picky about the photos and asks that they be deleted...not that she never wants her picture taken.

I still struggle to see how this would play out.  So now time playing with the baby becomes more about a photo shoot for the SM, with constant breaks for her to make she gets a shot she approves of?  What if the baby doesn't look good in a particular photo?  I am glad I don't have to deal with this.  To me, the SM is 100% SS.

I really don't think this has to be that complicated.  Yes SM is an SS.  When she asks not to have her picture taken, then don't take her pictures.  When she asks they be deleted, then delete them.  When you (LW) decide that you want to gift all the grandparents, including her, a photo album, then ask her if she wants to provide a picture to be included.  If she doesn't then as least you know that you tried to include her.

If the LW was just making a photo album of the baby for her coffee table, then whatever.  But, I do think that she should put a little more effort into it when she's gifting it out...SS or not.  The LW doesn't have to put any more effort into it after asking for a picture.  She doesn't have to take the picture herself, set it up, make sure everyone looks just right. She should just ask for one...if one doesn't exist, then it doesn't exist. 

[EllenS]

I suddenly had a mental image of next year's photo book...candid shots of everyone with the baby, and then one retouched, 15-year old "glamorshot" photo of SM all by herself.

[LeveeWoman]

I suddenly had a mental image of next year's photo book...candid shots of everyone with the baby, and then one retouched, 15-year old "glamorshot" photo of SM all by herself.

With the baby photo-shopped into it.

[GSNW]

I decided that SM's motives are questionable at best.  So when photos are being taken, she makes a point of asking people to delete them because she's "picky."  This would indicate that it doesn't bother her that pictures of herself with baby are very rare to nonexistent.

Of course, when the pictures get published in a public (within the family) album, suddenly her inclusion is important? 

If this were about making sure she has memories with baby, she would not have been so SS about photos in the first place.  It seems to me that it's more about realizing that she hasn't been documented in her "rightful" place.  Again, who is this about?  SM sure seems to think it's about her!

[NyaChan]

Exactly.  This is what I was thinking.  They may not have known every time they took the pictures originally that they would be used in a book, but once they knew they were making such a book, they should have made an effort to get a picture so that they could include it.

This makes my brian hurt in conjuction with the thread that suggested such behavior would be bullying!  Either we are to respect someone's wishes who asks not to be photographed or not.

I think you are searching for false comparisons. No-one thinks that a simple request for a photo is bullying or unreasonable. Also the step-mom is picky, but she still allows her picture to be taken. So the suggestion that the couple contact step mum and say "hey we want a picture or you won't be in the album" is perfect. The step-mum can refuse and then loses the right to complain about not being included. Or she can get some pictures taken. The choice is hers.

Exactly - I'm not saying they should force her to take a picture.  I am saying that they could have asked her, "Stepmom, I realized that we don't have even 1 picture of you with the baby.  Can we please take one so the baby will have one of the two of you?"  How is that bullying?  If she says no, back off and remind her of it if she still complains upon finding that she's been left out of the book.

[StuffedGrapeLeaves]

I wonder if the LW and his wife thought they were honoring SM's wishes by not having any pictures of her in the book, since she hates being in pictures so much. 

I can see them thinking that if they include any picture, then SM will complain about them.  If they ask SM for acceptable pictures, then that might make it a bigger deal than needed or she might get upset that they are not honoring her wishes about no pictures.

I feel that LW still should have asked, but at the same time, SM is a SS for complaining about it. 

[StuffedGrapeLeaves]

Again, who is this about?  SM sure seems to think it's about her!

I agree with this, especially since the father and SM were complaining that they should have done a special photo shoot with just SM in order to include her in the photobook. 

[GSNW]

I feel that LW still should have asked, but at the same time, SM is a SS for complaining about it.

And this is the heart of the matter.  SM was rude in having a little fit over this whole thing.  Now if LW and her husband apologize and make nonsense excuses, all this tells SM is that she can continue her SS behavior in the future, take exception to the outcome, and be catered to.  Doormat, meet stomping boots.

[rose red]

I suddenly had a mental image of next year's photo book...candid shots of everyone with the baby, and then one retouched, 15-year old "glamorshot" photo of SM all by herself.

I was thinking the same thing.  Not a "glamorshot" but a perfectly posed picture of gussied up SM and the baby in an album full of candids.  I'm sorry, but if it were me, I want those looking at the album focus on the baby and the naturalness of the other subjects.  A shot like that will jump out and focus on SM.

[Sheila Take a Bow]

she's picky about the photos and asks that they be deleted...not that she never wants her picture taken.

I still struggle to see how this would play out.  So now time playing with the baby becomes more about a photo shoot for the SM, with constant breaks for her to make she gets a shot she approves of?  What if the baby doesn't look good in a particular photo?  I am glad I don't have to deal with this.  To me, the SM is 100% SS.

I'm with you, TurtleDove.  When I try to get pictures of my kid, I'm looking for candids, not photo sessions.  The letter writer's baby is a person, not a prop for Stepmother's photo shoot.  If she shies away from photos or demands that they're deleted, she has to face the consequences.

My sister hates having her picture taken.  For years I couldn't get a picture of her.  But when my daughter was born, my sister realized that if she wanted my daughter to look back and remember hanging out with her favorite auntie, she was going to have to let her picture be taken a few times.

Now I have tons of pictures of my sister.  It wasn't hard for her to figure out that if she wants to be part of the photographic memories, she's going to have to be in some photos.

[bah12]

I suddenly had a mental image of next year's photo book...candid shots of everyone with the baby, and then one retouched, 15-year old "glamorshot" photo of SM all by herself.

I was thinking the same thing.  Not a "glamorshot" but a perfectly posed picture of gussied up SM and the baby in an album full of candids.  I'm sorry, but if it were me, I want those looking at the album focus on the baby and the naturalness of the other subjects.  A shot like that will jump out and focus on SM.

Yes.  Except that this album isn't for you...it's for the grandparents (even if it's about the baby).  Including SM.  If she wants to stick out like a sore thumb, what's it to you?  It's not positive attention.

Personally, I think photo albums as gifts are thoughtful in concept, but too much trouble in execution (when you're giving the same gift to many people).  If it's your photo album, made for you, then I'm with all those that say that no effort to tell SM it exists (or will in the future) need be made, nor any apologies for her omission.  It just all changes for me when the album becomes a gift for her.