Ignoring friend while serving others

[Rosewater]

I have a very good friend/coworker who has lost a tremendous amount of weight (150 lbs.) through gastric banding.  When we first met I was offering her some candy one day and she told me no thank you and explained to me "I don't want to get fat again after the surgery and once I get started on something good it's very, very hard for me to stop, I'm a food addict" and indicated that being offered goodies was really hard for her to say no to.  I asked her if it would be better if I just never offered her anything unless it was diet friendly and she told me "that really would be the best thing to do".  I can see where this conversation could be seen by some as snippy but it was not, I was genuinely interested in doing the best thing to help my friend stay on track and we were speaking frankly with each other. We have been doing this for some time now and my friend is very happy with our agreement to avoid temptation and keep her on track.

For what it's worth I make sure that I take diet friendly things about half the time so that she can partake with the rest of us at those times.  The other half of the time it's things she just shouldn't eat so I may end up passing out a cookie to everyone but my friend.  I don't want to take only diet friendly items to work because a lot of people just aren't crazy about them and I don't want to stop taking treats to work completely because everyone enjoys the treats a great deal. I think it's fun to spoil my coworkers with treats and it's a great morale booster on a crazy busy day.

So far I think only a couple of people have noticed that I exclude this person when offering cake, cookies or buttered popcorn, all things she shouldn't eat but no one has said anything to me yet.  I hate to preemptively explain why I am excluding my friend because this all originated with a private conversation and I don't know if she wants her surgery broadcasted.

If anyone ever calls me on my actions, what do I say.  Thoughts?

[kckgirl]

"Friend has asked me not to offer items like this to her."

[lady_disdain]

I would say something like "Friend and I have an agreement that I don't tempt her with yummy things." I think that trying to eat better is common enough for people to understand, without any more details.

[Yvaine]

I would say something like "Friend and I have an agreement that I don't tempt her with yummy things." I think that trying to eat better is common enough for people to understand, without any more details.

This. Keep it casual so they don't feel the urge to get too nosy about it.

[DottyG]

If no one has said anything, I'm not sure why you need to.  If someone does, you can go with one of the responses above.  But it could be that no one really notices (or thinks you just offered it to her earlier and she said "no" then) and trying to say something preemptively will call attention to it more than necessary.

Regardless, no.  I don't think you should broadcast her surgery.  That's for her to do, if she wishes.

[Yvaine]

If no one has said anything, I'm not sure why you need to.  If someone does, you can go with one of the responses above.  But it could be that no one really notices (or thinks you just offered it to her earlier and she said "no" then) and trying to say something preemptively will call attention to it more than necessary.

Regardless, no.  I don't think you should broadcast her surgery.  That's for her to do, if she wishes.

If I read the OP correctly, she doesn't plan to say anything preemptively. The thread is about what to say if someone asks.

[DottyG]

I know that's what the last sentence said.  However, I read another part of it as possibly saying something prior to that as well.

If she's only thinking of saying something if it's brought up, the suggested wordings are good.

[jpcher]

I would say something like "Friend and I have an agreement that I don't tempt her with yummy things." I think that trying to eat better is common enough for people to understand, without any more details.

Please don't mention "yummy things" in the way that only sugary, hi-calorie, whip-cream covered in chocolate, divinely decadent (I digress, sorry) things are "yummy."

To a dieter, carrot sticks might be considered yummy. (Does that make sense at all?)



OP -- I think you're doing just fine and you're a great friend to include dieter in on some days when you bring in the healthier treats.

If someone should say something to you, I agree that a simple comment like "Friend and I have an agreement" should suffice, although I'm thinking that a bean-dip would be more appropriate.



I'm trying to figure out a situation why someone might mention something about your not offering friend a treat. Do you stand by your treat and officially serve individual portions asking each person "Would you like a piece?"

In my office, when someone brings in a treat, there's an e-mail or a general announcement "Treats in the break room! Help yourself!"

Just trying to understand . . .

[JeanFromBNA]

"She and I have already discussed it."

[Miss Tickle]

"She doesn't want any."
That's all you have to say. It's true, succinct and said correctly will tell the busybody the question was nunya.

[Secret]

If your friends have noticed she has lost a significant amount of weight, they have probably put 2 and 2 together and realized this is one of the strategies the friend is employing to keep the weight off.  They may also start not offering her stuff when they see you don't.

[CharlieBraun]

OP - you are a good friend not just in supporting her weight loss, but in giving thought as to how you speak of her to others.

You are the kind of friend that everyone would treasure.

[staceym]

"She doesn't want any."
That's all you have to say. It's true, succinct and said correctly will tell the busybody the question was nunya.

I will respectfully disagree with saying this statement; especially if someone notices that OP passing by her friend without saying anything.  They will think the OP is putting words in her friend's mouth.

I would simply go with what others have said - oh friend and I already talked about this; or you can put the "I already checked" in front of the she doesn't want any statement.

[Fragglerocker]

I think a response such as, "She and I have an agreement on this," and leave it at that, is fine.

I do think it's a bit odd that the treats are "served" to individuals instead of just put out where people can take what they want, or avoid temptation.   Might be your friend isn't the only one who would do better if they weren't offered.  (I know I try to avoid sweets, but if they're directly  offered to me, I have a harder time saying no.)

[Raintree]

Or "she already told me she doesn't want any."