Rude to offer child’s appetizer to others?

[Venus193]

I agree on Auntie being a drama queen.  She should be called out on that by someone who was present.  Drama queens keep doing this until the people in their lives consequence them for it.

[Piratelvr1121]

Yep, I know the type.  They get rightly called out for doing something low and all of a sudden it's the victim's fault. 

[secretrebel]

In that situation, I can see how that could have been an unfortunate accident - but not something that required a scolding from the group. The girl who had to leave sounds like she handled it with grace. But shame on the relatives for scolding the aunt.

If a meal is family style, it's understandable that an accident like this could happen.

I got the sense Auntie was a bit of a drama queen, and since OP had already left, we don't really know if she got scolded or if she was just trying to somehow "blame the victim" so she wouldn't have to take responsibility for taking OP's lunch. I mean she lied to her daughter about OP "making a big deal" so she could be lying about the rest of the family scolding her.

Or aunt could have completely unintentionally passed around what she thought was a sharing dish and been mortified that she caused someone to go without their meal, gone home and spoken of her embarrassment to her family and her family then jumped in knowing too little of the situation to understand it and behaved rudely.

If the aunt did this accidentally I feel for her too. It could have been an innocent error.

[Yvaine]

In that situation, I can see how that could have been an unfortunate accident - but not something that required a scolding from the group. The girl who had to leave sounds like she handled it with grace. But shame on the relatives for scolding the aunt.

If a meal is family style, it's understandable that an accident like this could happen.

I got the sense Auntie was a bit of a drama queen, and since OP had already left, we don't really know if she got scolded or if she was just trying to somehow "blame the victim" so she wouldn't have to take responsibility for taking OP's lunch. I mean she lied to her daughter about OP "making a big deal" so she could be lying about the rest of the family scolding her.

Or aunt could have completely unintentionally passed around what she thought was a sharing dish and been mortified that she caused someone to go without their meal, gone home and spoken of her embarrassment to her family and her family then jumped in knowing too little of the situation to understand it and behaved rudely.

If the aunt did this accidentally I feel for her too. It could have been an innocent error.

Or maybe the family just likes scolding everybody. They scolded the vegetarian too, for supposedly not ordering enough food. They sound like a whole panoply of drama queens.

[Asharah]

The other thing was that all the rest of the food was placed in the middle of the table to share. According to the waiter OP talked to, her plate had been specifically set at her place at the table. And it was not a big serving dish like everything else.

[DottyG]

Or aunt could have completely unintentionally passed around what she thought was a sharing dish and been mortified that she caused someone to go without their meal, gone home and spoken of her embarrassment to her family and her family then jumped in knowing too little of the situation to understand it and behaved rudely.

This is how I read it (the story as told above - I don't remember the actual, original story in its entirety).

[asb8]

Here's a link to the story

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=15036.0

[snowdragon]

Here's a link to the story

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=15036.0

Wow....

[Lore]

My group dining expectations is this:
-If you order a group type appetizer (cheese sticks, calamari, fried mushrooms) that comes in pieces then you offer some to your dining companions.
-If you are dining with a group and only one person orders an appetizer but you and other's don't then when you are offered part of the app you decline. If the person who ordered the app stops eating it and it's just sitting there, it is fine to say "you know I think I will try one".  You can also accept if the person who orders it says "No really, take some. I just really wanted some calamari but if I eat all of this I won't be able to eat my main course."
-If you are dining with just one person and you want an appetizer you discuss options with the your dining companion. Actually, I believe in any group dining instance you should ask your companions if they plan to order an appetizer because if everyone says no, then you should ask if they are ok with you ordering one since your request will delay them getting their main course at most restaurants.
-If you order an appetizer that is obviously meant for one person such as a cup of soup, I see no need to offer to the other tablemates.

I've taught my kids the same rules so would be very suprised if they ordered cheese sticks and didn't offer some to others.  My kids were also swimmers and I know how hungry an after practice teen or tween is, but that didn't give them the right to forget what I consider to be their etiquette rules. I would have done similar to the mom and picked up the cheese basket and offered to the other dining companions because I would have thought my DD's hunger had taken over her ability to be gracious.

On the dessert discussion I've also seen instances where one person orders a dessert while the rest of the table turns it down but still the waiter brings multiple forks or spoons. I always find this preseumtious of the waiter.

Pod to all of this especially the bolder.  It is always rude to eat in front of friends at your table when they have nothing to eat and you are holding up their meal. 

[Diane AKA Traska]

My group dining expectations is this:
-If you order a group type appetizer (cheese sticks, calamari, fried mushrooms) that comes in pieces then you offer some to your dining companions.
-If you are dining with a group and only one person orders an appetizer but you and other's don't then when you are offered part of the app you decline. If the person who ordered the app stops eating it and it's just sitting there, it is fine to say "you know I think I will try one".  You can also accept if the person who orders it says "No really, take some. I just really wanted some calamari but if I eat all of this I won't be able to eat my main course."
-If you are dining with just one person and you want an appetizer you discuss options with the your dining companion. Actually, I believe in any group dining instance you should ask your companions if they plan to order an appetizer because if everyone says no, then you should ask if they are ok with you ordering one since your request will delay them getting their main course at most restaurants.
-If you order an appetizer that is obviously meant for one person such as a cup of soup, I see no need to offer to the other tablemates.

I've taught my kids the same rules so would be very suprised if they ordered cheese sticks and didn't offer some to others.  My kids were also swimmers and I know how hungry an after practice teen or tween is, but that didn't give them the right to forget what I consider to be their etiquette rules. I would have done similar to the mom and picked up the cheese basket and offered to the other dining companions because I would have thought my DD's hunger had taken over her ability to be gracious.

On the dessert discussion I've also seen instances where one person orders a dessert while the rest of the table turns it down but still the waiter brings multiple forks or spoons. I always find this preseumtious of the waiter.

Pod to all of this especially the bolder.  It is always rude to eat in front of friends at your table when they have nothing to eat and you are holding up their meal.

If I were the only one, I'd ask the waiter if it were possible for me to get my app and my main course at the same time.  When I want mozzarella sticks, I want them dangit.  I don't hardly ever go out to eat, when I do, I'm going to eat the food I want to eat, that's the whole point of treating yourself.

[snowdragon]

My group dining expectations is this:
-If you order a group type appetizer (cheese sticks, calamari, fried mushrooms) that comes in pieces then you offer some to your dining companions.
-If you are dining with a group and only one person orders an appetizer but you and other's don't then when you are offered part of the app you decline. If the person who ordered the app stops eating it and it's just sitting there, it is fine to say "you know I think I will try one".  You can also accept if the person who orders it says "No really, take some. I just really wanted some calamari but if I eat all of this I won't be able to eat my main course."
-If you are dining with just one person and you want an appetizer you discuss options with the your dining companion. Actually, I beleive in any group dining instance you should ask your companions if they plan to order an appetizer because if everyone says no, then you should ask if they are ok with you ordering one since your request will delay them getting their main course at most restaurants.
-If you order an appetizer that is obviously meant for one person such as a cup of soup, I see no need to offer to the other tablemates.

I've taught my kids the same rules so would be very suprised if they ordered cheese sticks and didn't offer some to others.  My kids were also swimmers and I know how hungry an after practice teen or tween is, but that didn't give them the right to forget what I consider to be their etiquette rules. I would have done similar to the mom and picked up the cheese basket and offered to the other dining companions because I would have thought my DD's hunger had taken over her ability to be gracious.

On the dessert discussion I've also seen instances where one person orders a dessert while the rest of the table turns it down but still the waiter brings multiple forks or spoons. I always find this preseumtious of the waiter.

What would you do with someone who does not follow your rules?   I would be really upset if you imposed them on me...especially "sharing" food. 

[Diane AKA Traska]

My group dining expectations is this:
-If you order a group type appetizer (cheese sticks, calamari, fried mushrooms) that comes in pieces then you offer some to your dining companions.
-If you are dining with a group and only one person orders an appetizer but you and other's don't then when you are offered part of the app you decline. If the person who ordered the app stops eating it and it's just sitting there, it is fine to say "you know I think I will try one".  You can also accept if the person who orders it says "No really, take some. I just really wanted some calamari but if I eat all of this I won't be able to eat my main course."
-If you are dining with just one person and you want an appetizer you discuss options with the your dining companion. Actually, I beleive in any group dining instance you should ask your companions if they plan to order an appetizer because if everyone says no, then you should ask if they are ok with you ordering one since your request will delay them getting their main course at most restaurants.
-If you order an appetizer that is obviously meant for one person such as a cup of soup, I see no need to offer to the other tablemates.

I've taught my kids the same rules so would be very suprised if they ordered cheese sticks and didn't offer some to others.  My kids were also swimmers and I know how hungry an after practice teen or tween is, but that didn't give them the right to forget what I consider to be their etiquette rules. I would have done similar to the mom and picked up the cheese basket and offered to the other dining companions because I would have thought my DD's hunger had taken over her ability to be gracious.

On the dessert discussion I've also seen instances where one person orders a dessert while the rest of the table turns it down but still the waiter brings multiple forks or spoons. I always find this preseumtious of the waiter.

What would you do with someone who does not follow your rules?   I would be really upset if you imposed them on me...especially "sharing" food.

I also don't see how four mozzarella sticks is a "group" appetizer.

[kudeebee]

My group dining expectations is this:
-If you order a group type appetizer (cheese sticks, calamari, fried mushrooms) that comes in pieces then you offer some to your dining companions.
-If you are dining with a group and only one person orders an appetizer but you and other's don't then when you are offered part of the app you decline. If the person who ordered the app stops eating it and it's just sitting there, it is fine to say "you know I think I will try one".  You can also accept if the person who orders it says "No really, take some. I just really wanted some calamari but if I eat all of this I won't be able to eat my main course."
-If you are dining with just one person and you want an appetizer you discuss options with the your dining companion. Actually, I beleive in any group dining instance you should ask your companions if they plan to order an appetizer because if everyone says no, then you should ask if they are ok with you ordering one since your request will delay them getting their main course at most restaurants.
-If you order an appetizer that is obviously meant for one person such as a cup of soup, I see no need to offer to the other tablemates.

I've taught my kids the same rules so would be very suprised if they ordered cheese sticks and didn't offer some to others.  My kids were also swimmers and I know how hungry an after practice teen or tween is, but that didn't give them the right to forget what I consider to be their etiquette rules. I would have done similar to the mom and picked up the cheese basket and offered to the other dining companions because I would have thought my DD's hunger had taken over her ability to be gracious.

On the dessert discussion I've also seen instances where one person orders a dessert while the rest of the table turns it down but still the waiter brings multiple forks or spoons. I always find this preseumtious of the waiter.

What would you do with someone who does not follow your rules?   I would be really upset if you imposed them on me...especially "sharing" food.

I take exception to the bolded as well.  If you are dining with a group, discuss ordering appetizers as you stated later on.  However, there is nothing wrong in ordering an appetizer to eat yourself or to share with your dining companion only.  In my experience it does not delay getting the main course by that much and usually people are busy talking anyway.

As to it being rude to eat when others don't have their food, that is not always true.  If you get an appetizer or a starter--such as soup or salad that come with some meals and not with others--it is not rude to eat those when they come out and are served to you.  Not everyone's meal comes with a starter, for example a sandwich platter probably won't but a dinner entree probably will.

Also, if you are with a very large group, there is nothing wrong with starting to eat your meal while it is still hot.  Most often someone will say, "don't wait on the rest of the food, eat while your meal is hot."  I hate to see people sit and wait until everyone is served and by then some meals have cooled.  We were out with a group of 18 last weekend at a very busy restaurant.  There was a time lapse of about 4-5 minutes between the first and last meals arriving and we encouraged the others to start and not wait.  Didn't bother me in the least.

[MariaE]

My group dining expectations is this:
-If you order a group type appetizer (cheese sticks, calamari, fried mushrooms) that comes in pieces then you offer some to your dining companions.
-If you are dining with a group and only one person orders an appetizer but you and other's don't then when you are offered part of the app you decline. If the person who ordered the app stops eating it and it's just sitting there, it is fine to say "you know I think I will try one".  You can also accept if the person who orders it says "No really, take some. I just really wanted some calamari but if I eat all of this I won't be able to eat my main course."
-If you are dining with just one person and you want an appetizer you discuss options with the your dining companion. Actually, I believe in any group dining instance you should ask your companions if they plan to order an appetizer because if everyone says no, then you should ask if they are ok with you ordering one since your request will delay them getting their main course at most restaurants.
-If you order an appetizer that is obviously meant for one person such as a cup of soup, I see no need to offer to the other tablemates.

I've taught my kids the same rules so would be very suprised if they ordered cheese sticks and didn't offer some to others.  My kids were also swimmers and I know how hungry an after practice teen or tween is, but that didn't give them the right to forget what I consider to be their etiquette rules. I would have done similar to the mom and picked up the cheese basket and offered to the other dining companions because I would have thought my DD's hunger had taken over her ability to be gracious.

On the dessert discussion I've also seen instances where one person orders a dessert while the rest of the table turns it down but still the waiter brings multiple forks or spoons. I always find this preseumtious of the waiter.

In a situation where you're dining with friends, I completely disagree with the first three points. I'm allowed to order an appetizer if I want, I don't have to share it, and if others want to share theirs with mine in a situation where I didn't order one, I'm absolutely allowed to accept... If they didn't want me to have one, they shouldn't have offered it.

In a situation where you're dining with strangers/acquaintances, I still completely disagree with the first two point. The third one still wouldn't be rude I think, but it could get awkward.

[sweetonsno]

My group dining expectations is this:
-If you order a group type appetizer (cheese sticks, calamari, fried mushrooms) that comes in pieces then you offer some to your dining companions.
<snip>

What would you do with someone who does not follow your rules?   I would be really upset if you imposed them on me...especially "sharing" food.

I take exception to the bolded as well.  If you are dining with a group, discuss ordering appetizers as you stated later on.  However, there is nothing wrong in ordering an appetizer to eat yourself or to share with your dining companion only.  In my experience it does not delay getting the main course by that much and usually people are busy talking anyway.
<snip>

Me three. While I think it's nice when someone shares his or her appetizer, I certainly don't expect it or think they are rude if they don't. I couldn't quite put my finger on why it irked me until this morning, but it boils down to this: your companions aren't rude for choosing to not subsidize your meal. Expecting someone to give you part of the appetizer they ordered and paid for themselves is an awful lot like expecting them to split the check evenly when you've ordered a bottle of wine and the lobster and they stuck to soda and a Cobb salad. True, it's not on the same scale, but it's the same sort of expectation. If you want to eat what someone else is having, either order it yourself or offer to split it (the dish and the cost).