Rude to offer child’s appetizer to others?

[rose red]

When an appetizer is ordered without discussing with the table, it's part of that person's meal and up to them to offer.  Would the mother offer up her daughters soup or salad, or even the main course?  I doubt it.

It's like when I order dessert and the waiter take it upon his/herself to provide extra forks "for the table."  No, just no.  Joey doesn't share food! 

[Twik]

If it is a family tradition, I would have expected the child to offer.

Sorry, no pass from me on asking "do you want some of (name's) appetizers". I suspect that this is the same sort of mother who goes, "Oh, do you you like little Ava's toys? Here, take them - SHE won't mind!"

[Aeris]

Yvaine, it wouldn't be because she was a minor for me - it would be because she was family and that might be the policy of the family.  I could see spouses doing this, as well.

I cannot imagine ordering an appetizer for myself, that I intend to eat myself, and then having my spouse grab it from in front of me, hold it aloft, and offer it to everyone else at the table without a word to me. It's possible that some people arrange their relationships this way, but it still strikes me as very very unusual.

And since the girl look surprised and a little upset, I would assume it was *not* a general rule for that family.

[Yvaine]

Yvaine, it wouldn't be because she was a minor for me - it would be because she was family and that might be the policy of the family.  I could see spouses doing this, as well.

I cannot imagine ordering an appetizer for myself, that I intend to eat myself, and then having my spouse grab it from in front of me, hold it aloft, and offer it to everyone else at the table without a word to me. It's possible that some people arrange their relationships this way, but it still strikes me as very very unusual.

This, and I'd be telling my partner he was buying me a new one so I could actually eat it. 

[Sharnita]

Yvaine, it wouldn't be because she was a minor for me - it would be because she was family and that might be the policy of the family.  I could see spouses doing this, as well.

I cannot imagine ordering an appetizer for myself, that I intend to eat myself, and then having my spouse grab it from in front of me, hold it aloft, and offer it to everyone else at the table without a word to me. It's possible that some people arrange their relationships this way, but it still strikes me as very very unusual.

And since the girl look surprised and a little upset, I would assume it was *not* a general rule.

That is OP's interpretation of how she looked.  We don't know whether the girl intended to share or not.  I have never ordered an app plus meal in my life without intending to share.  I doubt I am alone in that.

[Aeris]

Since mother offered to share, I don't think it would have been a problem to accept.  I don't think it was crossing boundaries on the child's food.  This wasn't her meal.  Her meal was coming.  If you helped yourself without the offer, that would have been rude.  Since she offered, yum! (I wouldn't help myself to a second one, though) 

I'm also thinking a little about eating in front of others who don't have their food yet.   We've sat and waited for everyone to be served before digging in on a few occasions.  Perhaps the mother wanted to share for this reason.  Certainly I would offer to share my appetizer if I was digging in everyone else is waiting.  Usually people decline, but I don't want to be munching away without at least offering.

If you wait to eat an appetizer until all of the entrees are served, in many restaurants the appetizer would be cold and less pleasant by then. Not to mention that you now have two plates of food you'd be trying to work through as fast as everyone else worked through the entree only, otherwise you'd hold the group up at the end. That's wildly impractical. There's a reason servers typically bring appetizers before entrees.

And when I eat, I think of all the components of the meal as being 'my meal'. My drink, my appetizer, my salad, my desert. It's all part of 'my dinner'.

[Yvaine]

Yvaine, it wouldn't be because she was a minor for me - it would be because she was family and that might be the policy of the family.  I could see spouses doing this, as well.

I cannot imagine ordering an appetizer for myself, that I intend to eat myself, and then having my spouse grab it from in front of me, hold it aloft, and offer it to everyone else at the table without a word to me. It's possible that some people arrange their relationships this way, but it still strikes me as very very unusual.

And since the girl look surprised and a little upset, I would assume it was *not* a general rule.

That is OP's interpretation of how she looked.  We don't know whether the girl intended to share or not.  I have never ordered an app plus meal in my life without intending to share.  I doubt I am alone in that.

Never in your life? I believe you, but I find that unusual. Most people I know sometimes get an app and a meal, sometimes get an app to share and a meal for themselves, and sometimes an app as a meal. Oh, and sometimes a couple might get an app to share between the two of them but not with the rest of the table. It's enough of a jumble that I'd never assume it was for me unless the person offered. The person who had ordered it, not another member of their party purporting to speak for them.

[Piratelvr1121]

Might be an interesting assumption based on my own experiences as a teen, but I wonder if the mother disapproved of how much food her daughter ordered, despite the fact the girl had clearly done a good amount of physical effort to justify the calories, and decided she'd reduce the amount of food her child had by offering it to others.

[kherbert05]

In my family appitizers were always for the whole table. Something like cheese sticks my parents would have ordered enough for the whole table even in a seperate check situation.


That said - the after swim practice thing really swings it for me. The adults shouldn't have accepted if they knew. The kid was probably famished. I remember going out to eat after Sis's swim meets. My parents would have sis order some type of salad with eggs/meat/cheese even before we gave our drink orders and added please bring that as soon as possible. Sis would eat that salad  before we even got our first course, then would eat a full meal. Normally that would be unacceptable due to the wait till everyone is served rule being important to our parents. Sister needing to eat after that much exercise was an one of a few exceptions to the rule.

[Sharnita]

Yvaine, I think this sentence actually adressed everything you asked about.

I have never ordered an app plus meal in my life without intending to share.

[Yvaine]

Might be an interesting assumption based on my own experiences as a teen, but I wonder if the mother disapproved of how much food her daughter ordered, despite the fact the girl had clearly done a good amount of physical effort to justify the calories, and decided she'd reduce the amount of food her child had by offering it to others.

Quite possibly. I got some of that type of grief at that age--my appetite shot through the roof due to puberty, and though I was actually quite a skinny kid, my dad interpreted my increased appetite as greed.

Yvaine, I think this sentence actually adressed everything you asked about.

I have never ordered an app plus meal in my life without intending to share.

Sharnita, I read your post the first time and was responding specifically to that sentence. I said I believed you but that it's unusual.

[Aeris]

Yvaine, it wouldn't be because she was a minor for me - it would be because she was family and that might be the policy of the family.  I could see spouses doing this, as well.

I cannot imagine ordering an appetizer for myself, that I intend to eat myself, and then having my spouse grab it from in front of me, hold it aloft, and offer it to everyone else at the table without a word to me. It's possible that some people arrange their relationships this way, but it still strikes me as very very unusual.

And since the girl look surprised and a little upset, I would assume it was *not* a general rule.

That is OP's interpretation of how she looked.  We don't know whether the girl intended to share or not.  I have never ordered an app plus meal in my life without intending to share.  I doubt I am alone in that.

This is a bit like a poster saying "I overheard Bob call his friend Mary a little witch the other day. Mary looked surprised and hurt. I think Bob was rude." And someone responding "That's just your interpretation of how Mary looked. They are friends, he probably calls her that as a pet name and she doesn't mind."

And while there may be many people who order appetizers with the intention of sharing them for the table, I think there are far fewer people who would be totally okay without *someone else* snatching their food away from them and *offering it for them*. Maybe you're totally cool with other people just taking your food without asking you. Most people aren't.

[Yvaine]

And while there may be many people who order appetizers with the intention of sharing them for the table, I think there are far fewer people who would be totally okay without *someone else* snatching their food away from them and *offering it for them*. Maybe you're totally cool with other people just taking your food without asking you. Most people aren't.

This is really the crux of it. Whatever one's feelings about sharing food, it's not up to someone else to decide you'll share it.

[acicularis]

This is really the crux of it. Whatever one's feelings about sharing food, it's not up to someone else to decide you'll share it.

I agree. It's not really "sharing" if someone takes it from you.

When I was a kid and we were at a restaurant, I hated it when my mother would suddenly plunge her fork into my food. If I protested, her response was "You can share." Uh, that wasn't sharing, that was stealing.

[m2kbug]

Since mother offered to share, I don't think it would have been a problem to accept.  I don't think it was crossing boundaries on the child's food.  This wasn't her meal.  Her meal was coming.  If you helped yourself without the offer, that would have been rude.  Since she offered, yum! (I wouldn't help myself to a second one, though) 

Is this only because she's a minor? I don't think every appetizer is automatically "for the table" unless something is actually said. There's no way I'd feel entitled to a friend's appetizer if it looked like she was ordering it as a complement to her meal rather than as a shared dish, and that would extend to a friend's kid too.

At what point did I imply the app was "for the table" or that the OP or anyone else was "entitled?"  The mother offered.  I don't see this as rude, or the OP accepting a cheese stick as rude either.  She declined.  Totally fine.  If the OP or other table guest just dived in on someone else's app, that is an entirely different story.

My family generally order appetizers to share.  If we're working on separate tickets, one group buys one, the other group buys one, and it's a free-for-all after that. 

I have no idea what the typical norm is for this family or what their thoughts are on sharing an appetizer.     

I think it's polite to offer, not necessary, not rude to not offer.  In this case, mom offered.  Agreed that the other table guest could have ordered appetizers too if they really wanted to and could have declined the offer. 

Share an app, not share an app, totally circumstantial.

I didn't even consider the soup/salad situation, but usually those are pretty automatic, are they not? Everybody grab a fork, dig in!