Rude to offer child’s appetizer to others?

[SiotehCat]

In my family, DD would have been rude.

DS can order whatever meal he wants when we go out, but if he orders apps, they are to share. Unless, of course, he orders them as his meal.

If DS ordered apps and digs in when they get to the table,  I would have assumed he forgot the rule and forgot his manners.

There have been plenty of times where he gets the app all to himself for whatever reason, so I do understand how he might forget that we have that rule.

Even without the rule though, if one person at the table has food while the rest don't, it's only polite to wait for every to get their food(entree) or offer some of yours(apps).

[JenJay]

This is really interesting to me! In our family of 5 appetizers are always shared. If there aren't enough to go around we'd order two plates. It would never occur to me not to offer a piece of our app to the other people at the table. Maybe the other Mom's family is like mine? I'm not suggesting it's wrong not to share, just that they always have been at every meal I've been to (including with my parents, DH's parents, friends, etc.). If someone else has ordered and is paying for the dish I will take a small piece if there is plenty (and I like whatever it is) otherwise I would decline.

I have a 12yo DD and I could see her thinking "Yay, Mom doesn't want any, that means all 8 for me!" and then, if I offered them around, looking upset like "Nooo! My mozz sticks!"  . I wouldn't consider them hers, they'd be ours, even if I wasn't having any. I'd make sure I provided her enough to eat even if that meant ordering an additional app or a dessert if she finished her meal and was still hungry.

That said I would never ask her to share something that was a single serving - her entree, sides, drink, dessert, etc. I will ask my kids for a bite but they're allowed to say no. They'd just better not whine if Mom declines to share, too. 

[Sharnita]

Those last two examples are pretty close to how our family operated and what I would have expected as a kid.  I wouldn't assume all families did but I would not assume they didn't.  And if I was truly worried a kid might go hungry I guess I'd order a second app for the table that the child could share if she chose. 

[Yvaine]

This is really interesting to me! In our family of 5 appetizers are always shared. If there aren't enough to go around we'd order two plates. It would never occur to me not to offer a piece of our app to the other people at the table.

I'll generally offer a bit of mine if other people don't have any food yet, or offer to trade if they do have apps, but that only applies to ones that are "mine." (i.e. I wouldn't offer my partner's app unless I knew his plans for it.) And if I am given a piece of anyone's appetizer without having anything to trade for it, I will assume I should help pay for it. I've been known to decline the nibble if I know I can't afford a "share" in it.

[doodlemor]

unkind

That is the pertinent word here.  If the mother continues to push boundaries like this, there is likely to be a difficult adolesence for this girl.

If others wanted appetizers, they could have ordered some for themselves.

[m2kbug]

I'm also thinking a little about eating in front of others who don't have their food yet.   .

If you wait to eat an appetizer until all of the entrees are served, in many restaurants the appetizer would be cold and less pleasant by then.

That thought of waiting was about the entree, not the appetizer.  Of course you eat the appetizer.  That's what it's for. 

[SiotehCat]

unkind

That is the pertinent word here.  If the mother continues to push boundaries like this, there is likely to be a difficult adolesence for this girl.

If others wanted appetizers, they could have ordered some for themselves.

Unkind? The mother is treating her daughter to a meal at a restaurant. Letting her chose her meal and letting her also pick an appetizer. I think expecting her to share the appetizer that her mother paid for is not unkind.

If that is the case, then my parents were monsters because I hardly ever got to eat in restaurants when I was 12.

[Twik]

Do you think the mother should have ordered for a 12 year old? Letting her choose her own food is pretty basic at that age.

I think the telling part is that the mother asked, "Does anyone want any of Daughter's apps?" Not "Here, let's put these in the centre for everyone to share." She was giving away someone else's food.

[Yvaine]

Do you think the mother should have ordered for a 12 year old? Letting her choose her own food is pretty basic at that age.

I think the telling part is that the mother asked, "Does anyone want any of Daughter's apps?" Not "Here, let's put these in the centre for everyone to share." She was giving away someone else's food.

And that the daughter was surprised. If it's a rule that apps are for everybody, the kid should not be surprised by it. You talk about these things before you even get to the restaurant, rather than surprising the kid and roping non-family members into an intrafamily power struggle about what the kid should be ordering. I remember occasions when our parents told us what items from the menu we could choose from. I remember that if I wanted something else, I had to ask and might be told no. Because it was a rule and it had been communicated.

As an outsider, I don't want to be roped into participating in a child's chastisement, which is what this feels like, whether the chastisement was for ordering too much monetarily or too much calorically, or for not automatically offering to share.

The kid was surprised, so if this was a rule, it was badly communicated. And I have to say, it sounds like the kid behaved pretty well. She only had a moment of letting her disappointment show, and didn't blow up or say anything rude.

[WillyNilly]

When I was 12 I would have gotten in BIG trouble for ordering an app when no one else did.  And I don't even want to think of what kind of hell I'd have to pay if I tried to make that app all for me.  I wouldn't be scolded in front of others, it'd be later in private, but hot dang, just no.  So yeah if I went ahead and ordered a to be shared dish - as apps were/are always shared dishes in my family - on my parent's dime without prior approval it would be offered to everyone else at the table without hesitation or question.

So unless we hear something from the mom herself, I can't say the mom was rude in the least - we don't know the rules of their family regarding eating out, appetizers, etc. It is not rude for a parent to reinforce their rules about shared meals and graciousness regardless of a 12 year old pouting about said enforcement.

[JenJay]

This is really interesting to me! In our family of 5 appetizers are always shared. If there aren't enough to go around we'd order two plates. It would never occur to me not to offer a piece of our app to the other people at the table.

I'll generally offer a bit of mine if other people don't have any food yet, or offer to trade if they do have apps, but that only applies to ones that are "mine." (i.e. I wouldn't offer my partner's app unless I knew his plans for it.) And if I am given a piece of anyone's appetizer without having anything to trade for it, I will assume I should help pay for it. I've been known to decline the nibble if I know I can't afford a "share" in it.

I think that's where the divide is, how we all define whose app is it.

In our family DH and I wouldn't have separate apps. We'd agree on which one sounded good and order it to share. If the kids are with us we'd get two orders or we'd all agree one two different apps and share them.

In a family where the custom is that the app is only for the person who ordered it I do think anyone else would be rude to offer it around. I will occasionally order an app as my meal and then it is mine but I'd ask that it be served along with everyone else's meal so there was no confusion.

Do you think the mother should have ordered for a 12 year old? Letting her choose her own food is pretty basic at that age.

I think the telling part is that the mother asked, "Does anyone want any of Daughter's apps?" Not "Here, let's put these in the centre for everyone to share." She was giving away someone else's food.

I could see myself referring to them as "DD's apps" if it was something I didn't like but I was letting her splurge, either because it was a special treat to go to lunch or because she was extra hungry. I wouldn't be thinking of them as hers in the same way that her entree and drink are hers.

My DD wouldn't have to run her entree by me but she would have to ask if she could get an app, soda or dessert. She would order for herself after I'd okayed it.

[rose red]

When I was 12 I would have gotten in BIG trouble for ordering an app when no one else did.  And I don't even want to think of what kind of hell I'd have to pay if I tried to make that app all for me.  I wouldn't be scolded in front of others, it'd be later in private, but hot dang, just no.  So yeah if I went ahead and ordered a to be shared dish - as apps were/are always shared dishes in my family - on my parent's dime without prior approval it would be offered to everyone else at the table without hesitation or question.

So unless we hear something from the mom herself, I can't say the mom was rude in the least - we don't know the rules of their family regarding eating out, appetizers, etc. It is not rude for a parent to reinforce their rules about shared meals and graciousness regardless of a 12 year old pouting about said enforcement.

In my family, we would not be in trouble.  We were also taught it's rude to take something offered without offering something back.  So was the other lady rude not to order an additional appetizer and offer some to the mother and daughter?  No, because every family is different.

Like others, I feel the surprised look means sharing is not the rule in their family.  And where did it say the girl was pouting?  She gave a surprised and a little hurt look and kept silent.

[Yvaine]

This is really interesting to me! In our family of 5 appetizers are always shared. If there aren't enough to go around we'd order two plates. It would never occur to me not to offer a piece of our app to the other people at the table.

I'll generally offer a bit of mine if other people don't have any food yet, or offer to trade if they do have apps, but that only applies to ones that are "mine." (i.e. I wouldn't offer my partner's app unless I knew his plans for it.) And if I am given a piece of anyone's appetizer without having anything to trade for it, I will assume I should help pay for it. I've been known to decline the nibble if I know I can't afford a "share" in it.

I think that's where the divide is, how we all define whose app is it.

In our family DH and I wouldn't have separate apps. We'd agree on which one sounded good and order it to share. If the kids are with us we'd get two orders or we'd all agree one two different apps and share them.

In a family where the custom is that the app is only for the person who ordered it I do think anyone else would be rude to offer it around. I will occasionally order an app as my meal and then it is mine but I'd ask that it be served along with everyone else's meal so there was no confusion.

A lot of times with my SO, we do get something to split. But with a larger group, I might just pick something that looks particularly good to me, and maybe other people will agree to also get apps and we'll trade around. Basically, there's so much variation that I wouldn't want to assume, if I were the outsider to the family.

[Piratelvr1121]

I think the time for the mother and daughter to discuss the appetizer and who it was for was when she ordered them.  My oldest is going to be 12 soon and when we go out, appetizers are to be shared, it's just how we do it.  If he ordered an appetizer and he made it clear he expected it to be just for us, I'd say "Either you get it to share or you don't get it at all." before the appetizer comes.

[SiotehCat]

Do you think the mother should have ordered for a 12 year old? Letting her choose her own food is pretty basic at that age.

I think the telling part is that the mother asked, "Does anyone want any of Daughter's apps?" Not "Here, let's put these in the centre for everyone to share." She was giving away someone else's food.

And that the daughter was surprised. If it's a rule that apps are for everybody, the kid should not be surprised by it. You talk about these things before you even get to the restaurant, rather than surprising the kid and roping non-family members into an intrafamily power struggle about what the kid should be ordering. I remember occasions when our parents told us what items from the menu we could choose from. I remember that if I wanted something else, I had to ask and might be told no. Because it was a rule and it had been communicated.

As an outsider, I don't want to be roped into participating in a child's chastisement, which is what this feels like, whether the chastisement was for ordering too much monetarily or too much calorically, or for not automatically offering to share.

The kid was surprised, so if this was a rule, it was badly communicated. And I have to say, it sounds like the kid behaved pretty well. She only had a moment of letting her disappointment show, and didn't blow up or say anything rude.

We don't know that the daughter was surprised, just that she looked surprised. If she had forgotten about the rule up until the moment that her mother offered everyone, that could also explain that look of surprise.

Also, if its not something that comes up often, it would be very easy for the daughter to forget.

I know all kids aren't the same, but my DS is 12 and I am always surprised by the things that "surprise" him.