Rude to offer child’s appetizer to others?

[weeblewobble]

When I was 12 I would have gotten in BIG trouble for ordering an app when no one else did.  And I don't even want to think of what kind of hell I'd have to pay if I tried to make that app all for me.  I wouldn't be scolded in front of others, it'd be later in private, but hot dang, just no.  So yeah if I went ahead and ordered a to be shared dish - as apps were/are always shared dishes in my family - on my parent's dime without prior approval it would be offered to everyone else at the table without hesitation or question.

Yes, but would that be the case after you finished an activity/practice that involved burning a lot of calories?

The 12yo is a swimmer. Swimmers burn a lot of calories and Mom should have understood that her dietary needs are going to be a little different than the average child's. If she was embarrassed or uncomfortable that her child was eating when no one else at the table was eating, she could have ordered a second plate or maybe ASKED her child if it was OK to share her food.

But approaching it this was, whisking the food away from the child when she was mid-bite and holding it aloft like some sort of cheese trophy to lord over the table tribe was rude.  She played Lady Bountiful while her child could have gone without (had other people at the table chosen to eat more of the app).  And that's not OK.

I know it's important for kids to understand that they are living off their parents good will and resources.  But to me, behaving in this way communicates to the daughter, "You have no rights. I will without hesitation run over your boundaries and ignore your comfort/wellbeing to make other people happy." And that is not a good formula for a close trusting relationship with your adolescent.

[Yvaine]

Anyone else remembering that display of everything Michael Phelps ate? Obviously, he was someone at the very highest level and so he's probably an extreme case, but swimming makes you HUNGRY.

[Sharnita]

When I was 12 I would have gotten in BIG trouble for ordering an app when no one else did.  And I don't even want to think of what kind of hell I'd have to pay if I tried to make that app all for me.  I wouldn't be scolded in front of others, it'd be later in private, but hot dang, just no.  So yeah if I went ahead and ordered a to be shared dish - as apps were/are always shared dishes in my family - on my parent's dime without prior approval it would be offered to everyone else at the table without hesitation or question.

Yes, but would that be the case after you finished an activity/practice that involved burning a lot of calories?

The 12yo is a swimmer. Swimmers burn a lot of calories and Mom should have understood that her dietary needs are going to be a little different than the average child's. If she was embarrassed or uncomfortable that her child was eating when no one else at the table was eating, she could have ordered a second plate or maybe ASKED her child if it was OK to share her food.

But approaching it this was, whisking the food away from the child when she was mid-bite and holding it aloft like some sort of cheese trophy to lord over the table tribe was rude.  She played Lady Bountiful while her child could have gone without (had other people at the table chosen to eat more of the app).  And that's not OK.

I know it's important for kids to understand that they are living off their parents good will and resources.  But to me, behaving in this way communicates to the daughter, "You have no rights. I will without hesitation run over your boundaries and ignore your comfort/wellbeing to make other people happy." And that is not a good formula for a close trusting relationship with your adolescent.

There is no indication that mom did not understand that. 

[weeblewobble]

When I was 12 I would have gotten in BIG trouble for ordering an app when no one else did.  And I don't even want to think of what kind of hell I'd have to pay if I tried to make that app all for me.  I wouldn't be scolded in front of others, it'd be later in private, but hot dang, just no.  So yeah if I went ahead and ordered a to be shared dish - as apps were/are always shared dishes in my family - on my parent's dime without prior approval it would be offered to everyone else at the table without hesitation or question.

Yes, but would that be the case after you finished an activity/practice that involved burning a lot of calories?

The 12yo is a swimmer. Swimmers burn a lot of calories and Mom should have understood that her dietary needs are going to be a little different than the average child's. If she was embarrassed or uncomfortable that her child was eating when no one else at the table was eating, she could have ordered a second plate or maybe ASKED her child if it was OK to share her food.

But approaching it this was, whisking the food away from the child when she was mid-bite and holding it aloft like some sort of cheese trophy to lord over the table tribe was rude.  She played Lady Bountiful while her child could have gone without (had other people at the table chosen to eat more of the app).  And that's not OK.

I know it's important for kids to understand that they are living off their parents good will and resources.  But to me, behaving in this way communicates to the daughter, "You have no rights. I will without hesitation run over your boundaries and ignore your comfort/wellbeing to make other people happy." And that is not a good formula for a close trusting relationship with your adolescent.

There is no indication that mom did not understand that.

Offering the daughter's food to other people after daughter had been to swim practice and was likely very hungry/in need of calories is an indication that the mother didn't understand that.

[*inviteseller]

I guess this is more a difference in parenting styles v rude.  I personally think it is rude to allow your child to order food, then take it away for others (who are adults and could have ordered their own appetizers).  But we are seeing that it is the norm in some families that you are required to share, kind of like you are giving the child the pleasure of ordering for the family.  So I am of the opinion this isn't right/wrong, but a parental choice, not one I would make, and I would raise my eyebrow at if I was at the table, but others do accept this.

[Twik]

Nope, it is not "OK" for a mother to take her child's food away without asking permission first. This isn't a matter of parental authority - it is general politeness.

Let's say you were eating with a married couple. The wife orders an appetizer, and when it arrives, as she starts to take a mouthful, her husband grabs the plate and asks, "Does anyone want some of my wife's appetizers?" Would you not think, at a minimum, he is being rude to her, in not at least asking, "Hey, can we share those?"

If the family tradition is to share appetizers, it does not spare the mother from the minimal common courtesy to her child to ask, "Hey, can we have some?" Basic politeness requires you to ask such a question, even if the expected answer is "yes, of course".

[Winterlight]

And while there may be many people who order appetizers with the intention of sharing them for the table, I think there are far fewer people who would be totally okay without *someone else* snatching their food away from them and *offering it for them*. Maybe you're totally cool with other people just taking your food without asking you. Most people aren't.

This is really the crux of it. Whatever one's feelings about sharing food, it's not up to someone else to decide you'll share it.

Agreed. Sharing is a voluntary action, not someone else taking the plate away from the person who's eating.

And this is coming from someone who habitually shares her appetizers.

[WillyNilly]

When I was 12 I would have gotten in BIG trouble for ordering an app when no one else did.  And I don't even want to think of what kind of hell I'd have to pay if I tried to make that app all for me.  I wouldn't be scolded in front of others, it'd be later in private, but hot dang, just no.  So yeah if I went ahead and ordered a to be shared dish - as apps were/are always shared dishes in my family - on my parent's dime without prior approval it would be offered to everyone else at the table without hesitation or question.

Yes, but would that be the case after you finished an activity/practice that involved burning a lot of calories?

The 12yo is a swimmer. Swimmers burn a lot of calories and Mom should have understood that her dietary needs are going to be a little different than the average child's. If she was embarrassed or uncomfortable that her child was eating when no one else at the table was eating, she could have ordered a second plate or maybe ASKED her child if it was OK to share her food.

But approaching it this was, whisking the food away from the child when she was mid-bite and holding it aloft like some sort of cheese trophy to lord over the table tribe was rude.  She played Lady Bountiful while her child could have gone without (had other people at the table chosen to eat more of the app).  And that's not OK.

I know it's important for kids to understand that they are living off their parents good will and resources.  But to me, behaving in this way communicates to the daughter, "You have no rights. I will without hesitation run over your boundaries and ignore your comfort/wellbeing to make other people happy." And that is not a good formula for a close trusting relationship with your adolescent.

Regardless of swim practice, ordering an app, especially just for me, without explicit prior permission would not fly.  And if I did push the boundary and do it anyway, it still would certainly not be solely for me as apps in casual restaurants are always shared.

If I was truly famished I could have spoken up and gotten a salad to go along with my meal, or more likely I would be told to first eat my meal, then if I was still hungry afterwards, then I would get something affordable and healthy like some fruit and or yogurt from a grocery store.  But ultra high fat, super inflated-priced cheese sticks just for me?  And before my proper meal?  No it wouldn't happen and quite frankly I agree with those rules set forth by my parents and would have the same with my own child if the case ever came up.

This was not, IMO, as someone up-thread called it, "a gift" from her mother.  This was something the girl tried to take.  She wasn't offered it by her mom, it wasn't ordered for her.  And no one else was ordering apps for themselves.  This is something the kid went ahead and did on her own without her mother saying she could, and without social cues from the table to do so. I cannot see how that even remotely qualifies as "a gift".  And at 12 the kid should know the family rules without having to be reminded each and every time.  If there is a rule, and she broke it, she can suffer the consequences.  And really it was a rather minor consequence anyway - she took something without permission and then didn't get to keep all of it. 

[delabela]

When I was 12 I would have gotten in BIG trouble for ordering an app when no one else did.  And I don't even want to think of what kind of hell I'd have to pay if I tried to make that app all for me.  I wouldn't be scolded in front of others, it'd be later in private, but hot dang, just no.  So yeah if I went ahead and ordered a to be shared dish - as apps were/are always shared dishes in my family - on my parent's dime without prior approval it would be offered to everyone else at the table without hesitation or question.

Yes, but would that be the case after you finished an activity/practice that involved burning a lot of calories?

The 12yo is a swimmer. Swimmers burn a lot of calories and Mom should have understood that her dietary needs are going to be a little different than the average child's. If she was embarrassed or uncomfortable that her child was eating when no one else at the table was eating, she could have ordered a second plate or maybe ASKED her child if it was OK to share her food.

But approaching it this was, whisking the food away from the child when she was mid-bite and holding it aloft like some sort of cheese trophy to lord over the table tribe was rude.  She played Lady Bountiful while her child could have gone without (had other people at the table chosen to eat more of the app).  And that's not OK.

I know it's important for kids to understand that they are living off their parents good will and resources.  But to me, behaving in this way communicates to the daughter, "You have no rights. I will without hesitation run over your boundaries and ignore your comfort/wellbeing to make other people happy." And that is not a good formula for a close trusting relationship with your adolescent.

There is no indication that mom did not understand that.

Offering the daughter's food to other people after daughter had been to swim practice and was likely very hungry/in need of calories is an indication that the mother didn't understand that.

Well, in all fairness, it's not like she tried to give the child's entree away.  She's clearly not trying to deny her child food after swim practice.

I would never, ever order an app without offering to share with the others at the table (unless it was something I knew they didn't/couldn't eat).  On the other hand, if my child ordered an app, we would discuss sharing it before they ordered it or before it arrived.  So I can kind of see that maybe mom went into automatic mode when she offered the food, but it does seem a bit rude not to ask the child if other people can have a taste. 

[perpetua]

I'm not sure how big 'appetisers' are in America that there'd be enough to share with the table; here, a starter is very small. But I think the child was rude to order one if nobody else did. Her mother probably did this out of embarrassment that her daughter was eating in front of everyone else who didn't have their food yet.

[weeblewobble]

I think the "without asking" thing is what keeps sticking in my proverbial craw.  If she had just asked her daughter if it was OK to offer the food to others, I would be willing to give the mother a pass.

[Christabeldreams]

When I was 12 I would have gotten in BIG trouble for ordering an app when no one else did.  And I don't even want to think of what kind of hell I'd have to pay if I tried to make that app all for me.  I wouldn't be scolded in front of others, it'd be later in private, but hot dang, just no.  So yeah if I went ahead and ordered a to be shared dish - as apps were/are always shared dishes in my family - on my parent's dime without prior approval it would be offered to everyone else at the table without hesitation or question.

Yes, but would that be the case after you finished an activity/practice that involved burning a lot of calories?

The 12yo is a swimmer. Swimmers burn a lot of calories and Mom should have understood that her dietary needs are going to be a little different than the average child's. If she was embarrassed or uncomfortable that her child was eating when no one else at the table was eating, she could have ordered a second plate or maybe ASKED her child if it was OK to share her food.

But approaching it this was, whisking the food away from the child when she was mid-bite and holding it aloft like some sort of cheese trophy to lord over the table tribe was rude.  She played Lady Bountiful while her child could have gone without (had other people at the table chosen to eat more of the app).  And that's not OK.

I know it's important for kids to understand that they are living off their parents good will and resources.  But to me, behaving in this way communicates to the daughter, "You have no rights. I will without hesitation run over your boundaries and ignore your comfort/wellbeing to make other people happy." And that is not a good formula for a close trusting relationship with your adolescent.

Regardless of swim practice, ordering an app, especially just for me, without explicit prior permission would not fly.  And if I did push the boundary and do it anyway, it still would certainly not be solely for me as apps in casual restaurants are always shared.

If I was truly famished I could have spoken up and gotten a salad to go along with my meal, or more likely I would be told to first eat my meal, then if I was still hungry afterwards, then I would get something affordable and healthy like some fruit and or yogurt from a grocery store.  But ultra high fat, super inflated-priced cheese sticks just for me?  And before my proper meal?  No it wouldn't happen and quite frankly I agree with those rules set forth by my parents and would have the same with my own child if the case ever came up.

This was not, IMO, as someone up-thread called it, "a gift" from her mother.  This was something the girl tried to take.  She wasn't offered it by her mom, it wasn't ordered for her.  And no one else was ordering apps for themselves.  This is something the kid went ahead and did on her own without her mother saying she could, and without social cues from the table to do so. I cannot see how that even remotely qualifies as "a gift".  And at 12 the kid should know the family rules without having to be reminded each and every time.  If there is a rule, and she broke it, she can suffer the consequences.  And really it was a rather minor consequence anyway - she took something without permission and then didn't get to keep all of it.

OP here, and I'd like to point out that the girl had permission to order an appetizer. That was part of why I found the mother's actions so confusing.

[Twik]

If people intend to share apps, it is rude to let only one person order some, then eat theirs, without any prior discussion.

So, the rest of the table was rude if this was a "sharing" thing. If it wasn't, then the mother was rude.

[Sharnita]

Perpetua, apps in the US tend to be big.  I would imagine a cheese stick appetizer coming with at least 6 cheese sticks, maybe 8.

[onyonryngs]

When I would ask my mom if I could order an appetizer, I assumed it was going to be shared.  I think that a lot of assumption is being based off a look.