Rude to offer child’s appetizer to others?

[Aeris]

Mom was terribly rude to take away her daughter's plate, even if it was 'just some cheese sticks'. If there is a family rule in place, Mom would have been better served by reminding the daughter to share, rather than just snatching her plate away without even a word. That feels like a public punishment, and is uncomfortable even if you *know* they have an app-sharing rule.

The verb snatching paints a very specific, punitive picture. I disagree that the action was necessarily punitive, because of the fact that the daughter had enough food to eat. That is why I commented about the fact that she wasn't starving.

Just because the daughter "has enough food to eat" doesn't mean that taking something away from her is automatically non-punitive. That makes no logical sense.

The daughter was poised to eat the whole appetizer herself, with the plate in front of her. Either she reasonably thought the app was hers, or she forgot the app-sharing rule in place in her family. If she reasonably believed the app was hers, mom was rude. If she had simply forgotten the app-sharing rule, then why didn't mom just *remind* her of the rule? But instead, apparently, she just took the plate from out from under her without so much as a word. That feels disrespectful, and the *manner* of it is punitive, even if they have this assumed apps-sharing rule.

[Aeris]

That is why I did not ask what you have done in the past. I asked what you would do IF you found yourself in a situation where someone ordered an appetizer and began to eat it without offering it to the group. I do assume you would not just grab the plate from out of in front of him, but I'm interested to hear if you would.

If it were one of my siblings, kids, spouse, or inner circle type people, I might put some on my plate without asking and no one would think twice about it. If it were someone outside of my usual circle, I wouldn't just take some, but I would wonder, silently, why they weren't sharing.  But I don't see what that has to do with the situation in the OP.

Because earlier wolfie said that passing around a plate without even talking to the person who ordered it is really rude. You responded by asserting that it isn't rude as apps are automatically owned by the table and not by the person ordering them. But you clearly wouldn't just reach over and grab someone else's plate of apps if they were not offering them up for sharing. You would think it was strange that they weren't offering, and possibly even rude in your circle, but you wouldn't just reach over and grab them.

If the rule in this family is that they are shared, and the daughter appeared to be neglecting that rule, the appropriate way for the mom to handle it would have been for her to *remind* the daughter of the rule. Not just reach in and grab. Not only because I do think that grabbing the plate without a word is disrespectful to the daughter, regardless of the rule, but also because it leaves everyone else at the table unsure of what they are being involved in.

[Venus193]

If the rule in this family is that they are shared, and the daughter appeared to be neglecting that rule, the appropriate way for the mom to handle it would have been for her to *remind* the daughter of the rule. Not just reach in and grab. Not only because I do think that grabbing the plate without a word is disrespectful to the daughter, regardless of the rule, but also because it leaves everyone else at the table unsure of what they are being involved in.

Best way to trim the quote tree.

Since the girl was just back from swim practice -- and remember the warnings about not eating just before swimming? -- she was probably hungrier than usual.  Her mother should have known that, especially if the daughter was the only one to order an appetizer. 

[Judah]

If the rule in this family is that they are shared, and the daughter appeared to be neglecting that rule, the appropriate way for the mom to handle it would have been for her to *remind* the daughter of the rule. Not just reach in and grab. Not only because I do think that grabbing the plate without a word is disrespectful to the daughter, regardless of the rule, but also because it leaves everyone else at the table unsure of what they are being involved in.

And I disagree. Reminding her daughter of the rule would have drawn attention to the fact that daughter had forgotten the rule and put her on the spot. Simply offering the app to share reminded her daughter of the rule without putting her on the spot. Which could also explain the girl's facial expression, "Oops, I forgot to offer them to everyone." Again, I'm not saying the mother wasn't rude, I'm saying we don't know enough to make a determination.

[m2kbug]

OP again, and as I should have stated in my first post, the appetizer was small, meant for one, maybe two people.

This changes the dynamics. 

If there were only 4 cheesesticks, sharing with 2 other people at the table was probably inappropriate and mom probably shouldn't have offered.  I had 10 to 20 cheesesticks in my mind, and sharing one or two did not seem like a big deal, especially in light of a meal to follow. 

[betty]

In my opinion and experience, appetizers are intended to share when it is agreed upon before they are ordered. Appetizers belong to the person ordering if they intended to have them for themselves. If you want an appetizer, order one or discuss sharing before someone else orders one. In my family, we usually share appetizers but we discuss it before we order.

Do people think desserts are always for sharing, too? If we all have a chance to order dessert, but only I do, am I obligated to share? If not, what's the difference?

[citadelle]

Just because the daughter "has enough food to eat" doesn't mean that taking something away from her is automatically non-punitive. That makes no logical sense.

Ok, I see the disconnect. I don't see this as as something being taken away. It is being shared, not taken away completely.

[DottyG]

Do people think desserts are always for sharing, too? If we all have a chance to order dessert, but only I do, am I obligated to share? If not, what's the difference?

Good question.  And brings up what a poster in the beginning said.

I, too, hate it when the waiter determines that the dessert I've ordered is going to be shared amongst everyone at the table when he brings forks/spoons for everyone with my dessert.  I may share it around, but I feel like that should be my choice to do.  By taking it upon himself to bring utensils for everyone, he's made it uncomfortable for me and makes me feel like I'm now required to share when I may or may not have wanted to.

[wolfie]

For the people who think that apps are always to share - how are they paid for? Are they split among everyone at the table? or is the person who ordered it treating?

[Venus193]

The only restaurant where the apps are automatically shared in my experience is the tapas place I'm going to tomorrow night.  We also share the bill equally.

Dim sum might be another such scenario, but I don't see how apps are automatically assumed to be shared. 

[daen]

And I disagree. Reminding her daughter of the rule would have drawn attention to the fact that daughter had forgotten the rule and put her on the spot. Simply offering the app to share reminded her daughter of the rule without putting her on the spot. Which could also explain the girl's facial expression, "Oops, I forgot to offer them to everyone." Again, I'm not saying the mother wasn't rude, I'm saying we don't know enough to make a determination.

"DD, you forgot to offer those around" would draw attention to it.
"Would you like me to pass the cheese sticks for you?"  - less so.

Like some previous posters, the rudeness in this situation is the failure to say anything to the daughter before offering food that the mother explicitly states is the daughter's. Even if there's an understood "apps are for sharing" rule, I would still like to have the opportunity to consent to said sharing in that particular incident, regardless of the fact that my answer is already known or understood.

(I realize I'm biased in this - I've worked in a therapy modality, and it was repeatedly stressed that just because the patient gives consent to physical contact by coming to this type of therapy session, the therapist still needs to ask consent before making contact that would be considered intimate - inner thigh, for example. (I know it's not entirely analogous - that's just what's driving my bias.))

[*inviteseller]

If my child shows a surprised look on their face, it is because she is surprised by someone's actions, not because she forgot a rule.  I think OP was unlucky enough to witness a mom/daughter power struggle.  And I stand by my belief mom because she showed not only a complete lack of respect to her child, but to her lunch mates by involving them in some family thing.  And you can gently remind your child of a rule without embarrassing them. 

[Piratelvr1121]

I will say there have been times that I have got an appetizer as my meal because I wasn't hungry enough for an actual entree.  But when I've done that I've made it clear by saying "I'm not all that hungry so I'll get the appetizer sized portion of chicken nuggets."

[Mikayla]

"DD, you forgot to offer those around" would draw attention to it.
"Would you like me to pass the cheese sticks for you?"  - less so.

I agree that the second is better than the first but, like everyone else, I'll respond based on my own experience.  My take is very similar to what Willy Nilly and Judah have been saying.  If I had ordered an appetizer and then forgotten the expectation that it's to be shared, my mom would not have asked my permission to enforce her own rule!  She would have done exactly as this mom did.  But then, she was a one-woman wrecking crew when it came to certain types of manners she wanted to reinforce in me.

And I do think it matters that this is a mom and her kid vs a husband and wife.  A lot of moms use these situations as teaching moments.  Obviously, if the norm in that family is different, then that's a game changer, but on the face of it I don't have a problem with what she did.

[DottyG]

So, those of you "appetizers are always to share" posters, what about desserts?  A couple of us have touched on it, but what do you think?

Do desserts have the same rules?  Are you required to share them as well?

(And, to all posters, what do you do if you don't want to share, but the waiter brings forks for everyone making you feel like you have to anyway?)