S/O of 'When the Camers Shy Get Left Out'

[Thipu1]

What do you do when family pictures are taken at a Wedding and you aren't asked by the HC to take part? 

This happened at the Wedding of a  niece.  Professional group photographs of the Wedding party and family were being taken.  Parents and grandparents of the HC were posed along with other family members.  We were not asked to be part of the shoot.  MIL ran over and said, 'Come!   You must be part of the family picture'. 

No.  We weren't asked to be in the shot and wouldn't think of barging in.  We don't think we did wrong because the HC get to decide who is in their Wedding pictures.  MIL does not. 

[lowspark]

Well, in my experience (limited though it may be), this sort of thing does happen. The HC or others in the wedding party may suddenly look over and see Aunt Suzy or Cousin Phil and think, Oh! we should have that person in the family photo too!! In that case, I think you take the picture you originally wanted to take (without the additional people) and then take another one which includes them. In the end, the HC are only going to pick out and pay for the pix they really want, right? And MIL might go ahead and pick out the one with Aunt & Uncle and pay for that one herself.

I might be wrong about this but since a wedding is a once in a lifetime event, it's sort of nice to get extra photos of people & groups of people, taken by a professional photographer. As long as it doesn't get out of hand with too many pictures, I don't see the harm in a few extra ones.

[Fragglerocker]

Weddings are tricky, because the HC is paying for a professional photographer, often by the hour, and a lot of times, the rest of the invited guests are waiting at the reception (usually cocktail hour) and if every.single.family member gets a picture with the HC, it could take a very long time, and potentially throw the timeline of the reception off.  I know that when I married my now-ex, my now-ex MIL insisted that some of her side relatives who were quite distant get photos with myself and my now-ex, but didn't express this in advance.  Meanwhile, all of my side (except my parents, sister, and grandparents one one side) had left for the reception.  So, not only were we running late for the reception because the photographer took his sweet time to get all these shots that neither of us had really wanted, when we got the photos later, we had a slew of them for his side and few of them for mine.  (Whole album is in the trash now, so it's all good.) 

But I agree with the OP--I would let the HC dictate the photos and would try to stay out of the way otherwise.  Note, then, that when I married DH, we discussed with each other and the photographer who we wanted the "staged/posed" photos with at our church, made sure those people knew to stick around before heading to the reception, and instructed the photographer to try to canvas the room in the time we had remaining to get photos of the rest of the guests.  It worked out quite well.   We ended up with photos of the people we absolutely had to have with us, candids of the rest of the guests, and others at the reception (not professionals but some with quite good cameras) took plenty of others.  I don't have a single shot that I *wish* I had but didn't get.  (Well, except for the one of us coming out of the church--it was blurry.  But that's because our photographer wasn't as awesome as we'd have liked.)

[SPuck]

For me it depends if the camera person is taking candid photos or posed shots. Both happened at my brother's wedding. For the candid photos I can accept a little more free for all because they are being taken by someone who knows how to make them look at their best. Butting in or being invited by someone who isn't in charge to a posed photo is rude though.

Is HC short for head coordinator?

[emwithme]

HC is Happy Couple.

Thipu, were you the only aunt/uncle there?  There's so much going on at a wedding that it's easy to forget which photos you want and with whom.  Photographers don't know the dynamics of every family and so many just default to the "normal" nuclear family of parents/siblings/grandparents, without realising that there may be "other" relatives who are just as important. 

I don't have a "traditional" family at all.  My mum died when I was a teenager, and my dad and I have never been close.  This is pretty much of a moot point now, as he is very unwell with Alzheimers and so wasn't at the wedding.  For my wedding last September, DH and I worked out beforehand what "posed group" shots we wanted, wrote and list and gave them to our MoH to be in charge of.  She coordinated with the photographer, making sure that the right people were around. 

We didn't want loads of posed shots, but made sure that everybody was in at least two.

We had:

Everyone who was there
My family (inc aunts/uncles/cousins etc)
His family (inc aunts/uncles/cousins etc)
All our friends
My friends
His friends
My best mate's family (who are my second family)
His godparents

We also had some shots *without* us in.

My best friend's foster-sister's daughter was my flower girl.  She's pretty much my niece - she calls me Aunty and I love her as if she was blood.  I made sure the photographer got a nice photo of flower girl, her big brother (who's going through a phase of teenage boy awkwardness and didn't want a "role" in the wedding, so he didn't have one) and their mum, so that mum had a nice photo of the three of them all dressed up.  Apparently, big bro's (biological) grandma - who I've never met and who lives in Australia - has this on her desk at work. 

I also had to have a photo of my best mate and her two siblings, posed as if it was a school photo.  It has now been enlarged and printed for their parents to have on the wall next to the original (only 30 years' difference!). 

[cattlekid]

This is the type of situation where you need the following:

1.  A very specific list of the shots you want
2.  A person who is very vocal to help arrange those shots and then keep the others from barging in

We didn't have either of those at our wedding.  So we had one uncle who kept barging in to photos and wanting more and more photos with DH's side of the family.  It didn't help that he had a tenuous grasp of English and those that spoke his language were not in a position to tell him "No". 

We had general chaos trying to get family pictures in the church.  After about 45 minutes of craziness, we were shooed out of the church by the priest as it was time for evening vespers. 

Fast forward a few weeks:  when we received our proofs, there was not a single picture of DH and I together on the altar.  This was a big deal as we were not allowed to see each other prior to the wedding, so we couldn't take those pictures then.  Luckily, the photography studio had a person on staff who was a Photoshop ninja and used another picture to recreate the missing shot. 

[bah12]

When I attend a wedding, I pretty much expect that I'm going to end up in some pictures.  Whether it's a candid shot or in a professional posed photograph (when we attend family weddings).  In my experience, getting pulled into a posed shot of a cousin or aunt is just somethng that happens.  As long as the HC is ok with the impromptu pictures, I don't fight them.  Also, wedding photographers like to take lots of candid shots as well and I haven't yet figured out how to avoid being in these (at least it seems like it's more work than it's worth).

I think what you do really depends on the situation.  If it's another family member trying to pull you in and not the HC, then I can see politely refusing.  If it's the HC, I wouldn't fight it too much.  I'd also weigh how much it's worth it to fight the picture over just getting it over with so the HC can move on. 

[oogyda]

It's probably more likely to happen when it's a more informal gathering.  There was a rare occasion where my mom's entire family (sisters, brother, their children) was together.  It was the first time in over 10 years that ALL of the cousins were in attendance, so a huge fuss was made about getting a photograph.  From there, it got divided up into seperate family groups.  Except for my mom's family group.  Her feelings were very hurt, but she's not one to push her way in, either. 

[WillyNilly]

I don't know you can make a blanket statement.  I think there are a lot of variables.

My wedding was technically a big formal affair, but I and my DH were decidedly laid back about it all.  Our professional photographer was hired about 8 days before the event and was instructed to "try to get everyone, keep it fun and casual".  We had a few "must take" shots in mind we communicated but beyond that, we just wanted photos.  One of my absolute favorites is of a huge and random group - people were coming over to DH and I to say "goodbye" and the photographer was saying "ooh great pic, smile!" but more and more totally random people kept coming by and we (DH and I, but also the people on the edge of the group independently) were pulling more and more randoms into the picture.  There are about 30 people, many total strangers to one another, in that group shot and its happy and hilarious and great.  I didn't mind at all that people other then me were pulling folks into it.  i certainly would not mind any picture any of our parents asked for or invited people into.  In this day & age of digital cameras, we paid the photographer by the hour not by the exposure, so the more the better (in the old days when you got a certain number of pictures or rolls of film for your price, I think the rules were different.)

[Thipu1]

My question was not about being excluded from the formal Wedding pictures.  That isn't an issue.  The issue was MIL almost grabbibng us by the arms and pulling us into something where we probably shouldn't be.

We were the only aunt and uncle of the bride so we didn't feel bad about not being included in the formal pictures. No aunts or uncles of the  Groom were present.   The HC has the option of deciding who is included and we're fine with that.  The Bride and her siblings are very close.  It made sense that she would want them there. 

The Thanksgiving gathering was always the time that SIL and her DH had an informal, in the house, family picture taken for their holiday cards.  Their parents, their children, the spouses of children and any grandchildren were included.  We never were.  Again, no problem. Because he's good with this sort of thing, Mr. Thipu was usually the one who took the photo.   
   

[Aeris]

My question was not about being excluded from the formal Wedding pictures.  That isn't an issue.  The issue was MIL almost grabbibng us by the arms and pulling us into something where we probably shouldn't be.

We were the only aunt and uncle of the bride so we didn't feel bad about not being included in the formal pictures. No aunts or uncles of the  Groom were present.   The HC has the option of deciding who is included and we're fine with that.  The Bride and her siblings are very close.  It made sense that she would want them there. 

The Thanksgiving gathering was always the time that SIL and her DH had an informal, in the house, family picture taken for their holiday cards.  Their parents, their children, the spouses of children and any grandchildren were included.  We never were.  Again, no problem. Because he's good with this sort of thing, Mr. Thipu was usually the one who took the photo.   
   

I don't know how the relationships are between everyone involved, but I honestly would have assumed that MIL (grandmother of the bride?) was speaking for the bride - i.e., I wouldn't have felt 'uninvited'. There's a lot going on at things like this and I wouldn't expect the HC to personally and directly ask each person to join the shot.

That said, if there's some reason to think that the HC actually did NOT want you in the shot and that MIL was overstepping, then I would just quietly decline. But I'm not sure why you jumped to that conclusion.

[snappylt]

I have mixed thoughts about this.  I, too, would not want to get into a photo like that unless the bride or groom had invited me in.  I would wonder about the MIL inviting me in...

Then again, if I were the groom, and if I had genuinely forgotten to include a family member who was standing nearby, I think I'd be grateful to my MIL for calling it to my attention.  (Then again, I have a super-duper, no kidding wonderful MIL.)

[Coley]

I agree that it's up to the HC to determine who should be included in formal photos. I could see some situations where the HC may not have thought everything through completely, so they might decide in the moment to pull some other people into photos. Regardless, I'm not sure it's up to other family members to make that decision for the HC.

DH's oldest DS got married last summer. The HC made a list for the photographer of every photo they wanted and who should be in each photo. This made the formal photo process very organized and efficient. However, there is one photo that I wish had been taken. I doubt it ever crossed the HC's minds.

My DH and his ex-W have been divorced for about 15 years. They are both remarried. The only formal photo of us with the HC includes DH's ex-W and her now-DH. It seems that the HC both wanted a photo with their "families." We posed for a photo with all of us together, but one was not taken of DH and me as a family with the HC, and a photo was not taken of DH's ex and her now-DH with the HC. Unfortunately, we're unlikely to purchase and display a "family" photo that includes DH's ex and her now-DH. I have a feeling that DH's ex-W probably feels the same way, and I think it's completely understandable. I wouldn't expect her to display a photo of DH and me in her home.

I don't think there was any ill intent on the HC's part. I genuinely believe it went right by them. More than likely, they were thinking about photos they would want rather than photos that family members might want. I understand how that can happen. I could see what was happening in the moment when the photos were being taken, but it would not have been appropriate for me to add to the HC's photo list.

As the stepmother, I knew it was not my place to voice my opinions about the wedding, so I didn't open my mouth unless I was asked. It was up to the HC to decide how stepparents should be included, and I respected that. I didn't assume I'd even be included in formal photos, so just being asked was nice.

[Thipu1]

The relationships in our family are just fine.  We all get along well and enjoy each other's company. 

At the reception, places were marked with small stones.  There was the name of the guest written on one side and the theme of the table on the other.  Our assigned table was 'laughter'.  We took that as a compliment.

The problem is that MIL is very concerned with the way things 'should' be.  In her view, everyone should be equally included in, and enthusiastic about, everything.  She was once quite concerned that Mr. Thipu and I weren't eating the same lunch.  To her, that meant that our marriage was in trouble.

At her age, there's nothing we can do about it except to politely decline when she surfaces with these ideas.
 

[Aeris]

I agree that it's up to the HC to determine who should be included in formal photos. I could see some situations where the HC may not have thought everything through completely, so they might decide in the moment to pull some other people into photos. Regardless, I'm not sure it's up to other family members to make that decision for the HC.

DH's oldest DS got married last summer. The HC made a list for the photographer of every photo they wanted and who should be in each photo. This made the formal photo process very organized and efficient. However, there is one photo that I wish had been taken. I doubt it ever crossed the HC's minds.

My DH and his ex-W have been divorced for about 15 years. They are both remarried. The only formal photo of us with the HC includes DH's ex-W and her now-DH. It seems that the HC both wanted a photo with their "families." We posed for a photo with all of us together, but one was not taken of DH and me as a family with the HC, and a photo was not taken of DH's ex and her now-DH with the HC. Unfortunately, we're unlikely to purchase and display a "family" photo that includes DH's ex and her now-DH. I have a feeling that DH's ex-W probably feels the same way, and I think it's completely understandable. I wouldn't expect her to display a photo of DH and me in her home.

I don't think there was any ill intent on the HC's part. I genuinely believe it went right by them. More than likely, they were thinking about photos they would want rather than photos that family members might want. I understand how that can happen. I could see what was happening in the moment when the photos were being taken, but it would not have been appropriate for me to add to the HC's photo list.

As the stepmother, I knew it was not my place to voice my opinions about the wedding, so I didn't open my mouth unless I was asked. It was up to the HC to decide how stepparents should be included, and I respected that. I didn't assume I'd even be included in formal photos, so just being asked was nice.

See, if I had been the bride in that situation, I would have been *grateful* to my step-mother (or step-mother in law), if she had quietly said to me or the groom something like "While we're all here, why don't we do one with you guys and just them, and then one with you guys and just us, for variety?". Because your points about those photos are so, completely valid, and I would have been just KICKING myself later on to realize that I'd forgotten it.

I realize this may not be true of all brides, but I seriously would have been overjoyed if someone had pointed out something we were missing. When I got married to my now-Ex, the whole picture hour was a giant blur of adrenaline and excitement. I was all over the place mentally, and we somehow managed to not to a picture of the two of us with his godparents. I cannot believe it got missed, I felt just terrible about it when I realized it. I would have been so immensely grateful if someone had suggested the shot. While we were all right there with the photographer.