General Etiquette > Family and Children

When are 2nd time showers okay?

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I'm sure this has been discussed before, and I see it all the time on another baby-related site, but here is my situation and question:

I'm a soon to be second time mom.  I have a girl and am having a girl.  Based on this, I had no desire for a second *anything*, not a shower, not a sprinkle, nothing.  I figure, if my closest friends and family would like to get me something or something special for the baby, they will do so, without a party.  That's what I figured was the right thing to do, and that's what *feels* right to me.

DH is a teacher at a small school.  Two other teachers (female) are expecting around when I am.  One is having her 1st, one, her 3rd.  The staff threw a combined "shower/sprinkle" and included both female teachers AND DH, and we were generously given items for our new baby (due soon.) 

DH then asked if my sister was going to throw me a shower or sprinkle.  (Note:  he always likes to pick on my sister--long story short, she married a man who makes a lot of money and he is very jealous of them, because he doesn't make much money, and feels like they should be more generous towards us; I feel like their money is their money and if money mattered THAT much to DH he shouldn't have become a teacher since that's not the way to make a big pile of cash.  But I digress). 

I told him no, and that because this is our second child--and our second daughter and DD is only 2--there is no reason for another shower.  That showers welcome a woman to motherhood and I've already gotten my welcome.  (I had a nice shower for my first, thrown by my BFF and my sis.)  I also reminded him that (1) we didn't do anything for my sis when she had child #2 (girls all around there too; I threw her first (only) shower) and (2) my BFF asked if I wanted a sprinkle and I declined.

He seemed upset that I wasn't getting another shower, even given the circumstances I  just listed.  I reminded him that the only times I've been to "repeat" showers were when there was some sort of unusual circumstance--for example, a friend's husband decided that cheating on her and divorcing her was a great idea while she was pregnant.  A sprinkle was thrown for her more to show her our support than anything else.  She was having a 2nd boy and if she'd had a sprinkle otherwise, I would've skipped it. 

Another common circumstance I see is when it's a different gender OR a different parent from the previous child (or both).  I don't know what the etiquette is on this, but I've gone to these.

I think he was upset primarily because I recently attended--and for one, co-hosted--two baby showers for first time moms in our social circle at church.  I think he didn't like seeing me do so much for others and not see me get anything in return.   (The one I hosted with some friends was a ridiculously large gathering--I had no say over the guest list and would not have offered to help had I known, but that's another story).  I see where he's coming from, but as far as I'm concerned, the fact that DH got a sprinkle himself was more than I'd anticipated and I feel grateful for what we were unexpectedly given.

So, ehellions, what IS the right time--if ever--to have a 2nd shower (or sprinkle)?  Is my DH off in left field, or am I?

I think your logic is pretty much on track. A second party would be acceptable if there are unique situations surrounding the birth of a child.  I can also see a huge age gap between the baby and the next youngest sibling as being okay.

A while back my circle of friends threw a shower for friends of mine who adopted a 7 year old when their biological child was still a toddler.  They had all kinds of baby stuff, but not very much "big kid" stuff.

Your husband is apparently jealous of everyone. I'm kind of curious as to what aspects of his character made you marry him because he sounds petty and unpleasant in your post.

As far as his argument, did you know any of those first time moms back when your 2 you was born? Do you happen to recall if they gave you a gift back then?  Does he realize they might stil give a gift without the term "shower" attached?  WHat has he given to any childless people who gave you gifts when DD was born?  If there was anybody whi is childless who gave a gift when dd was born doesn't he think you took unfairly?  Or if a single gave a wedding/wedding shower gift is he worried that you "owe" them?

I would go over what you might owe other people to shut down that nonsense.

I think you're being very sensible, and I think your DH is unreasonable. It's nice that he wants nice things (parties, not necessarily presents) for you, and that he wants your friends/family to show you their love, but you don't need a 2nd shower.

Our first child is a boy.  13 years later, we found out we were having a girl.  I wasn't thinking about anyone throwing me a shower, but my sister-in-law did.  It was a huge family and friends party.  About 100 people.  As far as I know, everyone they invited, came.  And the reason she threw it was because there were so many years between the kids, and they were a different gender.  Plus, others had been asking about throwing a shower.

It was a very fun party, and my sister-in-law made sure things were provided for the big brother.  We all wore the hats with bows and my son held the umbrella for some of the pictures.

I never asked for a second shower, and would not have been bothered if one had not been given.  I think it was wonderful that so many of our friends and family were happy to participate.  We have the most wonderful friends and family.

I sent my thank yous out very promptly!!


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