General Etiquette > Family and Children

When are 2nd time showers okay?

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I think a second shower acceptable if there is a huge gap between babies and you no longer have anymore baby stuff.

I think a "shower" for an older child's adoption sounds great too, especially to help welcome the new child into the family and meet the friends.

In your case, you are correct, you shouldn't have a second shower.

Different gender is often a reason to have a second shower, though opinions on this differ, since the couple probably has what they need outside gender specific clothes and toys. 

I can't see gender as a reason - boys and girls still sleep in beds the same, sit in highcahirs and carseats the same, etc.  Yes some clothes might not translate but those clothes might have gotten dirty anyway.

We have two sons only three years apart, but I was pregnant with our second when DH was out of work.  Some friends in a mom's group did a surprise sprinkle for me at the tail end of one of our meetings, with some very practical and heart-warming gifts.  These were more along the lines of consumables and extremely-usefuls such as meals, onesies, cloth diapers, a couple of small tokens for DS1.  The support meant so very much.


--- Quote from: Sharnita on February 22, 2013, 03:10:35 PM ---Your husband is apparently jealous of everyone. I'm kind of curious as to what aspects of his character made you marry him because he sounds petty and unpleasant in your post.

As far as his argument, did you know any of those first time moms back when your 2 you was born? Do you happen to recall if they gave you a gift back then?  Does he realize they might stil give a gift without the term "shower" attached?  WHat has he given to any childless people who gave you gifts when DD was born?  If there was anybody whi is childless who gave a gift when dd was born doesn't he think you took unfairly?  Or if a single gave a wedding/wedding shower gift is he worried that you "owe" them?

I would go over what you might owe other people to shut down that nonsense.

--- End quote ---

Eh, he's not jealous of everyone, but money is a sensitive topic because, like I said, he chose a "calling" that doesn't pay well.   And with my sister, specifically, he knows that when I do things for her, I put more effort into them than my sister does when she does anything for me.   Part of that, though, is I have friends who will pitch in, and she really doesn't, so, for example, I threw her shower for my niece by myself, with a little help from my mom.  Wasn't large because there weren't many people she wanted there.  For me, my BFF took the lead and my sister wasn't exactly cooperative but did end up bringing some food.  DH was aware of that and I think he resents that type of thing from her, especially because he knows she "could" do more if she wanted to. 

As for the showers I attended recently, one mom to be was invited to my shower for DD#1, the other was not, as I didn't know her that well back then.  (I'm not the type who just invites everyone under the sun.)  I don't expect either of them to give me any sort of gifts at this point, either. 

Many people will say...and I suppose the technical answer is...that second showers are never acceptable for any reason.  And while I get this, I personally don't have a problem with them when...1. Those hosting the shower genuinely want to do so without pressure from the mom.  2. The mom is ok having the gathering and 3. People aren't made to feel like they have to attend (so for instance, I think a group of friends could decide to throw a shower and then have something intimate with just them).

In your situation, you clearly do not desire a shower, so throwing one for you is not appropriate.  And I understand your feelings completely.  While I don't get offended if people have showers for any reason, I don't personally like them, or enjoy attending them (though I do for family and close friends, regardless of what # child they happen to be on).  I didn't have a wedding shower for that reason and only consented to the baby shower because I told my friends I'd let them throw me one when I refused to let them give me a wedding shower.  Who knew that 13 years later, they'd remember that and hold me to that promise. 

As for your DH.  Is this really an issue of the shower or is it something else?  If he feels that your sister and BIL have to "shower" you with gifts because they can afford to and is upset because you are giving to others and not getting anything concrete in return, is the problem that he feels overwhelmed by the cost of another baby and was hoping for some help?  Maybe you can talk to him about why you having a shower is so important to him and reassure him that the baby will have what it needs without you guys breaking the bank (if that's the issue).


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