When are 2nd time showers okay?

[Calistoga]

The understanding is that a first time parent needs a lot, but subsequent pregnancies have fewer needs, thus, the shower is really just a "Hey, congrats on the new kid, have some diapers" kind of thing.

In my experience, baby showers are not to provide the parents to be with items they cannot afford on their own.  Every shower I have ever been to (wedding or baby or otherwise) has been like this.  People go because they want to celebrate the event, and generally gifts are given but that has never been the focus in my experience.  To me, if I were judging someone for having a "gift grab" I probably would not be friends with them and it just wouldn't affect me because either I would not be invited or I would RSVP no.  I think that is why I struggle to understand the intensely negative and judgmental attitudes when it comes to "showers."  It might be a matter of wording, but I really don't get it.  I had a bridal shower and a baby shower and I certainly wasn't given anything I couldn't afford to buy myself - that wasn't the point of the event.  The point was to celebrate that I was getting married and having a baby, respectively.  Honestly, I don't think I have ever been to a shower where the point was to give gifts to the guest of honor because she needed the help.

You could just run in different circles.  In certain circles - yes it is THE way to out fit a kid.   And I am not just  talking poverty stricken parents,,,,,there are people who think every baby needs new stuff and this is the way to get it.  I have a cousin like this - she just had her 5th kid and wants everyone in the family to throw her a shower, and will be frightfully insulted when folks decline the invite to the shower she throws herself.  She was like this for all her kids.  I the first there were only about 28 months apart and she had showers for each one ( along with #4 who was a little later) and wanted things like cribs and car seats bought brand new for each kid FOR her.  She was very upset when no one bought her a new crib for #2 and she had to buy it herself.  Her facebook status the evening of her 2nd shower was about how she was hurt and insulted  because "no one  bought her the things this child will need, they expect me to do this by myself".  Third shower was much the same - 4th she was even asking for diaper wipe warmers. 
    She the worst example of this I can think of but I've gotten several over the past few years where the attendees were expected to outfit the kid so the parents don't have to.

Maybe it's just me, but the concept of throwing yourself a shower really, really bugs me.

[violinp]

The understanding is that a first time parent needs a lot, but subsequent pregnancies have fewer needs, thus, the shower is really just a "Hey, congrats on the new kid, have some diapers" kind of thing.

In my experience, baby showers are not to provide the parents to be with items they cannot afford on their own.  Every shower I have ever been to (wedding or baby or otherwise) has been like this.  People go because they want to celebrate the event, and generally gifts are given but that has never been the focus in my experience.  To me, if I were judging someone for having a "gift grab" I probably would not be friends with them and it just wouldn't affect me because either I would not be invited or I would RSVP no.  I think that is why I struggle to understand the intensely negative and judgmental attitudes when it comes to "showers."  It might be a matter of wording, but I really don't get it.  I had a bridal shower and a baby shower and I certainly wasn't given anything I couldn't afford to buy myself - that wasn't the point of the event.  The point was to celebrate that I was getting married and having a baby, respectively.  Honestly, I don't think I have ever been to a shower where the point was to give gifts to the guest of honor because she needed the help.

You could just run in different circles.  In certain circles - yes it is THE way to out fit a kid.   And I am not just  talking poverty stricken parents,,,,,there are people who think every baby needs new stuff and this is the way to get it.  I have a cousin like this - she just had her 5th kid and wants everyone in the family to throw her a shower, and will be frightfully insulted when folks decline the invite to the shower she throws herself.  She was like this for all her kids.  I the first there were only about 28 months apart and she had showers for each one ( along with #4 who was a little later) and wanted things like cribs and car seats bought brand new for each kid FOR her.  She was very upset when no one bought her a new crib for #2 and she had to buy it herself.  Her facebook status the evening of her 2nd shower was about how she was hurt and insulted  because "no one  bought her the things this child will need, they expect me to do this by myself".  Third shower was much the same - 4th she was even asking for diaper wipe warmers. 
    She the worst example of this I can think of but I've gotten several over the past few years where the attendees were expected to outfit the kid so the parents don't have to.

Maybe it's just me, but the concept of throwing yourself a shower really, really bugs me.

It bothers me, too. You're really not supposed to host a party where you get gifts, because it smacks of greed. Of course, that's probably not the intent of some, but that's the message that being sent, regardless.

[Mammavan3]

I have to disagree. The very point of a shower is to give gifts; whether the parents can afford the gifts or not is immaterial.

There are many different ways to celebrate a birth, such as a meet-the-baby party, and I thought the wedding reception was the celebration of the wedding.

I am not certain how you can disagree with my experience. At any rate, please be assured that my experience is real.

A. The purpose of a shower is to give gifts. When you are invited to a shower, you are being ASKED to shower the honoree with gifts.

B. Whether the parents/newlyweds can afford the gifts is immaterial.

C. While more time may be spent on eating, socializing, or games, that does not mean that the purpose - or focus - of the gathering is not to give gifts. 

If the purpose of a wedding shower is to celebrate a marriage, why are not the reception, rehearsal dinner, bridesmaids luncheon, bachelorette party, sufficient celebration. What, exactly, does add to the celebration that these other festivities do not?

[bah12]

The understanding is that a first time parent needs a lot, but subsequent pregnancies have fewer needs, thus, the shower is really just a "Hey, congrats on the new kid, have some diapers" kind of thing.

In my experience, baby showers are not to provide the parents to be with items they cannot afford on their own.  Every shower I have ever been to (wedding or baby or otherwise) has been like this.  People go because they want to celebrate the event, and generally gifts are given but that has never been the focus in my experience.  To me, if I were judging someone for having a "gift grab" I probably would not be friends with them and it just wouldn't affect me because either I would not be invited or I would RSVP no.  I think that is why I struggle to understand the intensely negative and judgmental attitudes when it comes to "showers."  It might be a matter of wording, but I really don't get it.  I had a bridal shower and a baby shower and I certainly wasn't given anything I couldn't afford to buy myself - that wasn't the point of the event.  The point was to celebrate that I was getting married and having a baby, respectively.  Honestly, I don't think I have ever been to a shower where the point was to give gifts to the guest of honor because she needed the help.

You could just run in different circles.  In certain circles - yes it is THE way to out fit a kid.   And I am not just  talking poverty stricken parents,,,,,there are people who think every baby needs new stuff and this is the way to get it.  I have a cousin like this - she just had her 5th kid and wants everyone in the family to throw her a shower, and will be frightfully insulted when folks decline the invite to the shower she throws herself.  She was like this for all her kids.  I the first there were only about 28 months apart and she had showers for each one ( along with #4 who was a little later) and wanted things like cribs and car seats bought brand new for each kid FOR her.  She was very upset when no one bought her a new crib for #2 and she had to buy it herself.  Her facebook status the evening of her 2nd shower was about how she was hurt and insulted  because "no one  bought her the things this child will need, they expect me to do this by myself".  Third shower was much the same - 4th she was even asking for diaper wipe warmers. 
    She the worst example of this I can think of but I've gotten several over the past few years where the attendees were expected to outfit the kid so the parents don't have to.

I think, though, that in any situation you're going to find people that use the event to either take advantage of others or get things for free.  Does the fact that there are people who expect elaborate birthday parties every year and expensive gifts make anyone throwing a birthday party (even every year) rude?

I'm sure there are plenty of moms to be out there who think that everyone needs to "shower" each of their babies with brand new stuff and expect showers so they can get necessities without having to fund it themselves.  But there's also plenty of mom's to be out there, along with her friends and family, that just enjoy celebrating the occasion. 

Like I said I don't have a hangup about second showers but I think it's the word that throws people off.  If it were called a celebratory party and people brought gifts because they wanted to, it may not be as big of an issue.

For the original question, when are second showers ok?  I say it's when friends and family want to do it on their own accord (not because of expectations or demands) and the Mom to be is agreeable to it.

 And I still say never,  if the friends and family want a shower the mom should be refusing and steering towards something where gifts are not the focus.

I think it's fine for you to have that opinion.  It definitely isn't mine.  When is it ok to accept gifts for your child?  If you don't do it at a gathering, then are you ok with somone just coming over and giving a gift and not getting the friendship, cake and food in return?  If the mom didn't insist on it, and the friends/family getting together didn't pressure others to join them, then who really cared how/when the gifts are given and what the name their gathering?

Again, I think that expectation is rude.  And I think that pressure is rude.  But, if there were a group of friends who wanted to throw a shower for another pregant friend, and they did so within their intimate group, I certainly wouldn't call the MTB rude because she let her friends do something they desired and didn't refuse all gifts.  I just don't live my life that stringently and don't expect others to either.  Ther's gift-grabby and not and I think the differences are not all that subtle.  It's pretty easy for me to discern and I don't participate in events that are the former. 

[LadyR]

I have made it clear I don' want a second shower (also with two less than two years apart of the same gender and with the same father, I definitely don't see the point). I had a friend who sort of hinted that she wanted a shower for her second baby and I just ignored the hints and ot her people must have as well as she didn't have a shower (I would have gone, I just wasn't throwing it). She also seemed a little put out that she didn't get much stuff for baby #2.

We're having a meet the baby BBQ when this little guy comes. Not for gifts (gifts ae totally not expected) but for ease of organizing visits to meet the new baby.

[TurtleDove]

A. The purpose of a shower is to give gifts. When you are invited to a shower, you are being ASKED to shower the honoree with gifts.

B. Whether the parents/newlyweds can afford the gifts is immaterial.

C. While more time may be spent on eating, socializing, or games, that does not mean that the purpose - or focus - of the gathering is not to give gifts. 

If the purpose of a wedding shower is to celebrate a marriage, why are not the reception, rehearsal dinner, bridesmaids luncheon, bachelorette party, sufficient celebration. What, exactly, does add to the celebration that these other festivities do not?

A.  I have stated that in my experience the focus of showers is NOT on the gifts.  Yes, gifts are given.  If anyone did not want to give a gift they presumably wouldn't. 

B.  Some posters mentioned whether recipients "needed" the gifts so I addressed that. 

C.  Please trust me when I express what my experience is.  The purpose of events I have attended is to celebrate the event. 

For me, I didn't have any of the other festivities you mentioned. But again, in my experience, showers are just another way of celebrating an event.  Sure, gifts are given.  They would be in my circle whether the event were labeled a "shower" or not.   Oftentimes the main purpose is to bring together people who previously did not know each other but will likely cross paths as a result of the event being celebrated.  For example, the bride's family members and friends and the groom's family members and friends, or the mother's family and friends and the father's family and friends.

[Tabby Uprising]

A. The purpose of a shower is to give gifts. When you are invited to a shower, you are being ASKED to shower the honoree with gifts.

B. Whether the parents/newlyweds can afford the gifts is immaterial.

C. While more time may be spent on eating, socializing, or games, that does not mean that the purpose - or focus - of the gathering is not to give gifts. 

If the purpose of a wedding shower is to celebrate a marriage, why are not the reception, rehearsal dinner, bridesmaids luncheon, bachelorette party, sufficient celebration. What, exactly, does add to the celebration that these other festivities do not?

A.  I have stated that in my experience the focus of showers is NOT on the gifts.  Yes, gifts are given.  If anyone did not want to give a gift they presumably wouldn't. 

B.  Some posters mentioned whether recipients "needed" the gifts so I addressed that. 

C.  Please trust me when I express what my experience is.  The purpose of events I have attended is to celebrate the event. 

For me, I didn't have any of the other festivities you mentioned. But again, in my experience, showers are just another way of celebrating an event.  Sure, gifts are given.  They would be in my circle whether the event were labeled a "shower" or not.

I hear that!  In my circle, we call them showers because we honestly aren't putting much thought into the word itself.  It's more "Woo-Hoo!!!! You're having a baby and you're happy and I'm happy and I love you so let's celebrate! Wooooo!"  And it's always just been a warm, positive celebratory event, with cake no less!  I understand that's not the universal experience, but it has been my experience (so far) and it certainly has shaped my perceptive on showers in general. 

[bah12]

I have made it clear I don' want a second shower (also with two less than two years apart of the same gender and with the same father, I definitely don't see the point). I had a friend who sort of hinted that she wanted a shower for her second baby and I just ignored the hints and ot her people must have as well as she didn't have a shower (I would have gone, I just wasn't throwing it). She also seemed a little put out that she didn't get much stuff for baby #2.

We're having a meet the baby BBQ when this little guy comes. Not for gifts (gifts ae totally not expected) but for ease of organizing visits to meet the new baby.

In your particular case, you not wanting a shower and the expectation of your DH that you deserve one, makes it inappropriate.  I was answering the question of your post title of when is it appropriate.  If you weren't against having one and a group of your friends really wanted to get together with you and give you a second shower, then I think it would have been ok regardless of any other "special" considerations that may make people feel that one deserves an exception to the "no second baby shower" rule.

[Fragglerocker]

OP here.

So, the irony is, two of my church friends ambushed me last Sunday and told me they're throwing me a shower.  I told them I'd already turned down showers and why, and they said that's fine, so instead we're doing a Girls' Night Out in my honor, and the theme is "baby."  I laughed and relented, since I (as a personal policy  ) do not turn down a GNO when offered. 

Fortunately it's nothing formal and it'll be just a few girls (all moms except my BFF who originally offered the shower, since it'd be crazy to go out for GNO with the motive of "I'm having a baby soon" and not include her when she originally wanted to do a shower for me) and none of them (except said BFF) were at my original shower.  So I think I'm clear of a space in eHell, and my hubby thought it was awesome that they wanted to go out.  (And apparently they'd been planning for at least a month but hadn't gotten around to telling me about it.)

[Marbles]

That sounds like a great celebration. Enjoy!

[VorFemme]

I could see a shower for the SECOND baby of the same mother under a few circumstances (if she didn't have a shower for the first baby, then a first shower for the second baby is up to the "local rules" - might be okay, might not):

#1 - this time around it is a multiple birth (twins, triplets, etc.) - just because you had a baby previously doesn't mean that you have the equipment duplicated enough times for a multiple birth.  But it isn't required - it's still up to your friends or family members to throw this for you and NO HINTING allowed - although dramatically announcing how many babies are coming is probably going to be okay, twins, triplets, and the like are surrounded by a bit of drama, naturally!

#2 - everything was lost in a natural disaster (fire or flood comes to mind, so there is nothing in the parents' possession to welcome the new little one home to.  Especially if they are still dislocated from their home...it could be a reminder that "life goes on" and "life will get back to a new normal, even if not to the old normal").

#3 - it is the first baby of the OTHER parent and both parents are GOH, not just the mother. 

[Lynn2000]

OP here.

So, the irony is, two of my church friends ambushed me last Sunday and told me they're throwing me a shower.  I told them I'd already turned down showers and why, and they said that's fine, so instead we're doing a Girls' Night Out in my honor, and the theme is "baby."  I laughed and relented, since I (as a personal policy  ) do not turn down a GNO when offered. 

Fortunately it's nothing formal and it'll be just a few girls (all moms except my BFF who originally offered the shower, since it'd be crazy to go out for GNO with the motive of "I'm having a baby soon" and not include her when she originally wanted to do a shower for me) and none of them (except said BFF) were at my original shower.  So I think I'm clear of a space in eHell, and my hubby thought it was awesome that they wanted to go out.  (And apparently they'd been planning for at least a month but hadn't gotten around to telling me about it.)

Great idea! Good for them. Sometimes I think people think "celebrate baby" and the only idea they know about is "shower," so it must be a shower. But there are lots of alternatives that might actually be more fun for the mom, and don't have such strong overtones of "bring me a gift." Sounds like you have great friends!

[alis]

I have two boys - born 2010 and 2012. Same size born, same gender, we kept everything to re-use, I think it would have been tacky to have a 2nd shower. We got a few gifts from very close family (grand parents) but congratulations/cards/well wishes from everyone else for #2 (whereas #1 came with gifts). I would not have expected any more than that!

[jaxsue]

My boys were born in '88 and 91', so a lot of time has passed. I have several nieces who've had babies in the past few years. Showers for every baby seems to be the trend, no matter the spacing of the babies or the gender. When I had my boys, it was rare to have 2nd baby showers. Not unknown, but not typical.

The worst gimme-pig baby shower situation I've known of happened about 25 yrs ago. A shower was held for a young MTB. There were about 20 people at the shower. Seems she wasn't happy with the turnout and requested that the host plan another shower for her! So the host did that, mailing invitations to those of us who'd attended the first shower only a couple of weeks before. I declined. 

[alis]

My boys were born in '88 and 91', so a lot of time has passed. I have several nieces who've had babies in the past few years. Showers for every baby seems to be the trend, no matter the spacing of the babies or the gender. When I had my boys, it was rare to have 2nd baby showers. Not unknown, but not typical.

The worst gimme-pig baby shower situation I've known of happened about 25 yrs ago. A shower was held for a young MTB. There were about 20 people at the shower. Seems she wasn't happy with the turnout and requested that the host plan another shower for her! So the host did that, mailing invitations to those of us who'd attended the first shower only a couple of weeks before. I declined. 

Oh dear. 25 years? She might be a grandmother soon enough, I wonder if she will impose that attitude on the next round of baby showers!