When are 2nd time showers okay?

[Fragglerocker]

I'm sure this has been discussed before, and I see it all the time on another baby-related site, but here is my situation and question:

I'm a soon to be second time mom.  I have a girl and am having a girl.  Based on this, I had no desire for a second *anything*, not a shower, not a sprinkle, nothing.  I figure, if my closest friends and family would like to get me something or something special for the baby, they will do so, without a party.  That's what I figured was the right thing to do, and that's what *feels* right to me.

DH is a teacher at a small school.  Two other teachers (female) are expecting around when I am.  One is having her 1st, one, her 3rd.  The staff threw a combined "shower/sprinkle" and included both female teachers AND DH, and we were generously given items for our new baby (due soon.) 

DH then asked if my sister was going to throw me a shower or sprinkle.  (Note:  he always likes to pick on my sister--long story short, she married a man who makes a lot of money and he is very jealous of them, because he doesn't make much money, and feels like they should be more generous towards us; I feel like their money is their money and if money mattered THAT much to DH he shouldn't have become a teacher since that's not the way to make a big pile of cash.  But I digress). 

I told him no, and that because this is our second child--and our second daughter and DD is only 2--there is no reason for another shower.  That showers welcome a woman to motherhood and I've already gotten my welcome.  (I had a nice shower for my first, thrown by my BFF and my sis.)  I also reminded him that (1) we didn't do anything for my sis when she had child #2 (girls all around there too; I threw her first (only) shower) and (2) my BFF asked if I wanted a sprinkle and I declined.

He seemed upset that I wasn't getting another shower, even given the circumstances I  just listed.  I reminded him that the only times I've been to "repeat" showers were when there was some sort of unusual circumstance--for example, a friend's husband decided that cheating on her and divorcing her was a great idea while she was pregnant.  A sprinkle was thrown for her more to show her our support than anything else.  She was having a 2nd boy and if she'd had a sprinkle otherwise, I would've skipped it. 

Another common circumstance I see is when it's a different gender OR a different parent from the previous child (or both).  I don't know what the etiquette is on this, but I've gone to these.

I think he was upset primarily because I recently attended--and for one, co-hosted--two baby showers for first time moms in our social circle at church.  I think he didn't like seeing me do so much for others and not see me get anything in return.   (The one I hosted with some friends was a ridiculously large gathering--I had no say over the guest list and would not have offered to help had I known, but that's another story).  I see where he's coming from, but as far as I'm concerned, the fact that DH got a sprinkle himself was more than I'd anticipated and I feel grateful for what we were unexpectedly given.

So, ehellions, what IS the right time--if ever--to have a 2nd shower (or sprinkle)?  Is my DH off in left field, or am I?

[mmswm]

I think your logic is pretty much on track. A second party would be acceptable if there are unique situations surrounding the birth of a child.  I can also see a huge age gap between the baby and the next youngest sibling as being okay.

A while back my circle of friends threw a shower for friends of mine who adopted a 7 year old when their biological child was still a toddler.  They had all kinds of baby stuff, but not very much "big kid" stuff.

[Sharnita]

Your husband is apparently jealous of everyone. I'm kind of curious as to what aspects of his character made you marry him because he sounds petty and unpleasant in your post.

As far as his argument, did you know any of those first time moms back when your 2 you was born? Do you happen to recall if they gave you a gift back then?  Does he realize they might stil give a gift without the term "shower" attached?  WHat has he given to any childless people who gave you gifts when DD was born?  If there was anybody whi is childless who gave a gift when dd was born doesn't he think you took unfairly?  Or if a single gave a wedding/wedding shower gift is he worried that you "owe" them?

I would go over what you might owe other people to shut down that nonsense.

[MorgnsGrl]

I think you're being very sensible, and I think your DH is unreasonable. It's nice that he wants nice things (parties, not necessarily presents) for you, and that he wants your friends/family to show you their love, but you don't need a 2nd shower.

[alice]

Our first child is a boy.  13 years later, we found out we were having a girl.  I wasn't thinking about anyone throwing me a shower, but my sister-in-law did.  It was a huge family and friends party.  About 100 people.  As far as I know, everyone they invited, came.  And the reason she threw it was because there were so many years between the kids, and they were a different gender.  Plus, others had been asking about throwing a shower.

It was a very fun party, and my sister-in-law made sure things were provided for the big brother.  We all wore the hats with bows and my son held the umbrella for some of the pictures.

I never asked for a second shower, and would not have been bothered if one had not been given.  I think it was wonderful that so many of our friends and family were happy to participate.  We have the most wonderful friends and family.

I sent my thank yous out very promptly!!

[m2kbug]

I think a second shower acceptable if there is a huge gap between babies and you no longer have anymore baby stuff.

I think a "shower" for an older child's adoption sounds great too, especially to help welcome the new child into the family and meet the friends.

In your case, you are correct, you shouldn't have a second shower.

Different gender is often a reason to have a second shower, though opinions on this differ, since the couple probably has what they need outside gender specific clothes and toys. 

[Sharnita]

I can't see gender as a reason - boys and girls still sleep in beds the same, sit in highcahirs and carseats the same, etc.  Yes some clothes might not translate but those clothes might have gotten dirty anyway.

[GratefulMaria]

We have two sons only three years apart, but I was pregnant with our second when DH was out of work.  Some friends in a mom's group did a surprise sprinkle for me at the tail end of one of our meetings, with some very practical and heart-warming gifts.  These were more along the lines of consumables and extremely-usefuls such as meals, onesies, cloth diapers, a couple of small tokens for DS1.  The support meant so very much.

[Fragglerocker]

Your husband is apparently jealous of everyone. I'm kind of curious as to what aspects of his character made you marry him because he sounds petty and unpleasant in your post.

As far as his argument, did you know any of those first time moms back when your 2 you was born? Do you happen to recall if they gave you a gift back then?  Does he realize they might stil give a gift without the term "shower" attached?  WHat has he given to any childless people who gave you gifts when DD was born?  If there was anybody whi is childless who gave a gift when dd was born doesn't he think you took unfairly?  Or if a single gave a wedding/wedding shower gift is he worried that you "owe" them?

I would go over what you might owe other people to shut down that nonsense.

Eh, he's not jealous of everyone, but money is a sensitive topic because, like I said, he chose a "calling" that doesn't pay well.   And with my sister, specifically, he knows that when I do things for her, I put more effort into them than my sister does when she does anything for me.   Part of that, though, is I have friends who will pitch in, and she really doesn't, so, for example, I threw her shower for my niece by myself, with a little help from my mom.  Wasn't large because there weren't many people she wanted there.  For me, my BFF took the lead and my sister wasn't exactly cooperative but did end up bringing some food.  DH was aware of that and I think he resents that type of thing from her, especially because he knows she "could" do more if she wanted to. 

As for the showers I attended recently, one mom to be was invited to my shower for DD#1, the other was not, as I didn't know her that well back then.  (I'm not the type who just invites everyone under the sun.)  I don't expect either of them to give me any sort of gifts at this point, either. 

[bah12]

Many people will say...and I suppose the technical answer is...that second showers are never acceptable for any reason.  And while I get this, I personally don't have a problem with them when...1. Those hosting the shower genuinely want to do so without pressure from the mom.  2. The mom is ok having the gathering and 3. People aren't made to feel like they have to attend (so for instance, I think a group of friends could decide to throw a shower and then have something intimate with just them).

In your situation, you clearly do not desire a shower, so throwing one for you is not appropriate.  And I understand your feelings completely.  While I don't get offended if people have showers for any reason, I don't personally like them, or enjoy attending them (though I do for family and close friends, regardless of what # child they happen to be on).  I didn't have a wedding shower for that reason and only consented to the baby shower because I told my friends I'd let them throw me one when I refused to let them give me a wedding shower.  Who knew that 13 years later, they'd remember that and hold me to that promise. 

As for your DH.  Is this really an issue of the shower or is it something else?  If he feels that your sister and BIL have to "shower" you with gifts because they can afford to and is upset because you are giving to others and not getting anything concrete in return, is the problem that he feels overwhelmed by the cost of another baby and was hoping for some help?  Maybe you can talk to him about why you having a shower is so important to him and reassure him that the baby will have what it needs without you guys breaking the bank (if that's the issue).

[Winterlight]

I think DH needs to take a step back here and calm down. There is no obligation to throw any kind of party for anyone, for one thing. And his attitude toward your sister probably shows.

I personally feel that barring unusual circumstances (house fire, financial need, it's been ten years and they've given away all the baby stuff) throwing showers for subsequent babies is a no-no.

I also loathe the term sprinkle because it sounds like what the baby will be doing. Or else it's raining indoors!

[Sharnita]

Point out to him that one gave you the gift and attended the shower two years ago - you just now got around to evening the score.  As far as the other, things will probably even out eventually.  There are probably people who attended your wedding and have been to showers who have no kids of their own so using your husband's funky logic, you owe them.  If he really wants to go down that road your first worry should be taking care of the people you owe, not who owes you.  Of course, d not think that you should approach life that way and I kind of suspect he doesn't want to either, if it means taking care of everyone you "owe".

There are a lot of teachers on this board.  I am one of them.  There are people who make more than us and people who make les.  Some work in great schools and districts and some don't.  Some feel like we have job security and some of us don't.  Your sis cna't control the aspects of DH's employment and his resentment shouldn't fall on her.  If teaching makes him that deeply unhappy and influences how he sees his [ersonal relationships and interactions then he might want to consider a career change.

[Mikayla]

I just typed a long, boring post, then bah12 cross-posted, and I swiped the whole thing.  I agree with every word of that.

[Fragglerocker]

Many people will say...and I suppose the technical answer is...that second showers are never acceptable for any reason.  And while I get this, I personally don't have a problem with them when...1. Those hosting the shower genuinely want to do so without pressure from the mom.  2. The mom is ok having the gathering and 3. People aren't made to feel like they have to attend (so for instance, I think a group of friends could decide to throw a shower and then have something intimate with just them).

In your situation, you clearly do not desire a shower, so throwing one for you is not appropriate.  And I understand your feelings completely.  While I don't get offended if people have showers for any reason, I don't personally like them, or enjoy attending them (though I do for family and close friends, regardless of what # child they happen to be on).  I didn't have a wedding shower for that reason and only consented to the baby shower because I told my friends I'd let them throw me one when I refused to let them give me a wedding shower.  Who knew that 13 years later, they'd remember that and hold me to that promise. 

As for your DH.  Is this really an issue of the shower or is it something else?  If he feels that your sister and BIL have to "shower" you with gifts because they can afford to and is upset because you are giving to others and not getting anything concrete in return, is the problem that he feels overwhelmed by the cost of another baby and was hoping for some help?  Maybe you can talk to him about why you having a shower is so important to him and reassure him that the baby will have what it needs without you guys breaking the bank (if that's the issue).

Like I said, we already got a "sprinkle" from his coworkers and were fairly well set with this one, too, so I don't think it's about getting anything else for this child.  We're in good shape in that regard; money doesn't grow on trees around here, but our children will be just fine and getting all they need (and plenty they don't!)   

I think it is way more about him knowing that I go out of my way to help others, and I haven't really seen much in return.  Which isn't why I do it.  But he sees me putting forth time and effort to help others, and that's just part of how I was raised.  I think he sees that there are a lot of people around who never lift a finger, and gets frustrated when it seems, from his perspective, that I do more than my fair share.  I don't think I do, but I do know that in many circles, (church is a big one,) there are some people who will participate and help out, and there are others who never do.  Just because others don't step forward doesn't mean that I shouldn't.  Does that make sense?

[bah12]

Many people will say...and I suppose the technical answer is...that second showers are never acceptable for any reason.  And while I get this, I personally don't have a problem with them when...1. Those hosting the shower genuinely want to do so without pressure from the mom.  2. The mom is ok having the gathering and 3. People aren't made to feel like they have to attend (so for instance, I think a group of friends could decide to throw a shower and then have something intimate with just them).

In your situation, you clearly do not desire a shower, so throwing one for you is not appropriate.  And I understand your feelings completely.  While I don't get offended if people have showers for any reason, I don't personally like them, or enjoy attending them (though I do for family and close friends, regardless of what # child they happen to be on).  I didn't have a wedding shower for that reason and only consented to the baby shower because I told my friends I'd let them throw me one when I refused to let them give me a wedding shower.  Who knew that 13 years later, they'd remember that and hold me to that promise. 

As for your DH.  Is this really an issue of the shower or is it something else?  If he feels that your sister and BIL have to "shower" you with gifts because they can afford to and is upset because you are giving to others and not getting anything concrete in return, is the problem that he feels overwhelmed by the cost of another baby and was hoping for some help?  Maybe you can talk to him about why you having a shower is so important to him and reassure him that the baby will have what it needs without you guys breaking the bank (if that's the issue).

Like I said, we already got a "sprinkle" from his coworkers and were fairly well set with this one, too, so I don't think it's about getting anything else for this child.  We're in good shape in that regard; money doesn't grow on trees around here, but our children will be just fine and getting all they need (and plenty they don't!)   

I think it is way more about him knowing that I go out of my way to help others, and I haven't really seen much in return.  Which isn't why I do it.  But he sees me putting forth time and effort to help others, and that's just part of how I was raised.  I think he sees that there are a lot of people around who never lift a finger, and gets frustrated when it seems, from his perspective, that I do more than my fair share.  I don't think I do, but I do know that in many circles, (church is a big one,) there are some people who will participate and help out, and there are others who never do.  Just because others don't step forward doesn't mean that I shouldn't.  Does that make sense?

Then this is a much bigger issue than a 2nd baby shower.  Your DH seems to be focusing way too much on getting concrete things in return for what you do.   How much does he participate in helping and giving to others when they need it?  Just because his chosen career field isn't making him a millionaire doesn't mean that everyone around him who makes more owes him something (i.e. your BIL) or that you have to get immediate payback when you do a nice thing for a friend.  Does he make sure that you guys 'payback' those that gave you gifts in the past?