The looooooong goodbye

[Allyson]

I have a friend like this. It's not just goodbyes--any interaction or conversation with him will take 3 times as long as you think it will. He's an amazing conversationalist, so smart and interesting, and therefore draws everyone else around him into wanting to keep talking as well. I run a group with him and a couple of other people and I am *always* the one who has to make sure the meetings stay on track, that we get everything done that we need to do, or else Tangent McSidetracker will have us all discussing something only vaguely related to what we need to do.

I end up feeling like a bit of heel too because I have to get more and more insistent. What works for me is to say a quick, cheerful "And speaking of Topic..." even though nobody was. That usually gets the point across, but not always.

[gen xer]

When my kids were little, every time we went over to the ILs' house (weekly at least) my MIL used to start coming up with things to talk to the kids about, or things to show us/have them do--as soon as I said, "It's time for us to go."

I finally had to be very blunt about it and point out what she was doing and directly speak to her about it each time it happened.

She finally got better, but I had to consciously train her.

And once we were visiting friends for dinner and they were clearly ready for us to go home, and getting irked, and I'd get us up and nearly to the door, and some topic would come up in conversation (often it was our hosts getting the conversational ball rolling), and suddenly it was 20 minutes later. We'd all *really* enjoyed the 20 minutes of conversation, but it was *later*, and we all wanted the night to END!!!.

After an hour of this, I said, "Honey, shut up, no don't talk, we have to leave now, or these people will never want to see us again. No, host, don't say anything! No one talk. No one bring up ANYthing, we are going out the door, because I don't want you to hate us tomorrow!"

I love that last part of your post!  I might have to try that!

As far as the overstaying I'm like Snappy and I start feeling uncomfortable if we stay anywhere too long.  I don't want to be those people that don't have a clue and keep staying on and staying on, disrupting the rest of the day or evening.  After all I have been on the other end wishing guests would go home so I could either go to bed or get ready for the next day.   I was always taught that one should try not to be that last person / family at a gathering.

But DH....I love him dearly but I dread the goodbyes - you know how there is a sudden lull in the conversation for a brief second and I think I have my chance to hustle us out the door until someone inevitably revives the conversation, starts making plans for the next get together, asks if we want more food for the road ( lord no not more food ), warns us about weather, traffic etc.....

Unfortunately a raised voice has been the only thing that has worked so far - the conversation ceased like a record scratch in the movies....and I was undoubtedly raked over the coals afterward but darn it....we were out of there in two minutes afterward.

[kudeebee]

An hour before your agreed upon time to leave, you need to say to dh "dh we need to leave in one hour."  Then gather up the belongings so that they are ready to go, even take them out to the car.  Then all you need is the kids and dh.  15 minutes before, "dh would you get the kids while I make sure we have everything before we say goodbye?"  Then he will be up and moving.  You can head him off so he can't sit, give  him a kid's coat to put on, something to carry, and guide him to door.

You will have to tell him you are going to start the reminder an hour in advance so that you can leave on time.  Explain your reasons--length of drive, need to get kids home and fed, you need to relax before bed.  It will probably take several times, but hopefully he will buy in/get it and this overstaying will end.

[DollyPond]

When we would try to leave by 3:30 or so it was at least an two hours of "goodbyes" with Grandpa not letting us leave!  DH felt he couldn't say anything to his Grandpa and we just had to put up with it. 

I had a former friend who was like this (a big part of why she's "former") who would invite you over for dinner then hold you hostage for hours on end.  I distinctly remember one time when the goodbye had gone on for way too long and she was literally blocking the door so that I could not leave.  It actually got kind of creepy at that point and so I stopped accepting invitations from her. 

The final blow came after she "told off" another set of friends for only issuing her a verbal invitation to their holiday dinner.  Apparently this was interpreted as a deliberate snub.  But that's a story for another time.

[BarensMom]

I have a friend that does this.  We went to dinner the other night and it was like pulling nails from a board to first get her out of the room, then the restroom, across the parking lot and into the car because she kept seeing people she knew and "just had to say a few words to them."  I can understand saying hello, but it had to be a full conversation (with the exact same content) every time.   Telling her that I had to get up early the next day didn't make a dent.

Getting her out of the car is in several steps, and she is talking all the while:  1 - she opens the door; 2 - she puts one foot out; 3 - swings her body but not the second foot; 4 - second foot is out; 5 - derriere is off the seat; 6 - out of the car but is hanging on the door; 7 - closes the door, but window may be open; 8 - continues to talk through open window; 9 - starts up her walkway; 10 - I wait to see if she makes it to her front door; 11 - Escape!  This whole time the door alarm is dinging away, the overhead light is blinking, freezing air is coming into the car, but Friend is cluelessly yakking away. 

[Bea]

We called this "The Minnesota Goodbye" back home. The theory was that our Minnesota niceness made us too nice to leave/ kick one another out.

[Bijou]

Ahhh, yes.  We call it 'the Minnesota goodbye' here!

I suggest you ask DH.  Would he rather start the process an hour before you want to pull out, or would he prefer a more expedient departure?

I didn't know my husband was from Minnesota.

[RooRoo]

And I've never been there.

It's been great to see you! Wait, did I ever tell you about the time I had this fabulous discussion with a complete stranger about the canals on Mars, and that reminds me about the moons of Jupiter, did you know that one of them is solid ice? And... 

Yeah, I can be a bit of an overstayer...

[Lady Snowdon]

My DH's family is like this, absolutely!  Once upon a time, he was under the impression that he had to say good bye to everybody, individually, or it wasn't "nice" (yes, we are in Minnesota, why do you ask?  ).  This would turn into more conversation, which would last for another 30 minutes plus, and so on and so forth.  I learned a couple of tricks along the way.  Not sure how helpful they would be for the OP, but worth putting them out there.

First, say good bye to people in groups.  We go up to a group of people in conversation, catch the attention of one of them, and say, "We have to get going, it was so lovely to see everyone!".  This counts, IMO, as telling each of them good bye.  The nice part about this is that everyone can continue their conversation after we leave, so there's none of the "Oh wait, I forgot to tell you about the..." comments; they're back in conversation with each other.

Or I will smile and tell DH we have to get going, so that there's topics of conversation left for the next time we see people.  "Honey, if we talk about everything in the world tonight, we won't have anything to talk about next time we see the Smiths!  Come on, we have to go."  This has gotten a lot of laughter and acceptance that the gathering is over the times I've used it.   

Lastly, if I'm wanting to leave, and DH is cluelessly chatting away, after having told me "just another few minutes" for the past hour, I will go up to him, tell him we need to go because *insert random reason here*, say good bye, and then I will literally start towing him away.  As in, I grab his arm and start moving.  I keep a smile on my face, I laugh if anyone sees us and asks about it, I'm never mean or irritating or showstopping.  I also don't stop moving.  "Yep, we have to get going.  I know, it's a shame.  Last time we were out, the dog tried to eat the couch, so we need to go back and make sure everything's still there.  I know, dogs are weird.  It was lovely to see you.  We'll have to get together again soon!" - all the while as I'm moving both of us to the door. 

[gen xer]

I have a friend that does this.  We went to dinner the other night and it was like pulling nails from a board to first get her out of the room, then the restroom, across the parking lot and into the car because she kept seeing people she knew and "just had to say a few words to them."  I can understand saying hello, but it had to be a full conversation (with the exact same content) every time.   Telling her that I had to get up early the next day didn't make a dent.

Getting her out of the car is in several steps, and she is talking all the while:  1 - she opens the door; 2 - she puts one foot out; 3 - swings her body but not the second foot; 4 - second foot is out; 5 - derriere is off the seat; 6 - out of the car but is hanging on the door; 7 - closes the door, but window may be open; 8 - continues to talk through open window; 9 - starts up her walkway; 10 - I wait to see if she makes it to her front door; 11 - Escape!  This whole time the door alarm is dinging away, the overhead light is blinking, freezing air is coming into the car, but Friend is cluelessly yakking away.

Arrgghhhh!  My kids do that getting out of the car!  It drove me batty - what could possibly take so long to open a door, undo a seatbelt and get the heck out.....

But trying to leave with DH is like running the gauntlet - and even though we aren't Minnesotans ( Ontarians actually ) he thinks the same as Lady Snowdon's DH - that you have to say goodbye to each person individually, the children have to get their kisses and hugs in individually and that each time someone leaves it has to be a collective seeing off for each person - that means EVERYONE moves en masse to the front door where you linger for another hour or so.

Extricating yourself has to be bloody and brutal or you are swallowed into the black hole.....hence the borderline yelling I had to do.  I felt rude and yet oddly exhilarated....

[BarensMom]

I have a friend that does this.  We went to dinner the other night and it was like pulling nails from a board to first get her out of the room, then the restroom, across the parking lot and into the car because she kept seeing people she knew and "just had to say a few words to them."  I can understand saying hello, but it had to be a full conversation (with the exact same content) every time.   Telling her that I had to get up early the next day didn't make a dent.

Getting her out of the car is in several steps, and she is talking all the while:  1 - she opens the door; 2 - she puts one foot out; 3 - swings her body but not the second foot; 4 - second foot is out; 5 - derriere is off the seat; 6 - out of the car but is hanging on the door; 7 - closes the door, but window may be open; 8 - continues to talk through open window; 9 - starts up her walkway; 10 - I wait to see if she makes it to her front door; 11 - Escape!  This whole time the door alarm is dinging away, the overhead light is blinking, freezing air is coming into the car, but Friend is cluelessly yakking away.

Arrgghhhh!  My kids do that getting out of the car!  It drove me batty - what could possibly take so long to open a door, undo a seatbelt and get the heck out.....

But trying to leave with DH is like running the gauntlet - and even though we aren't Minnesotans ( Ontarians actually ) he thinks the same as Lady Snowdon's DH - that you have to say goodbye to each person individually, the children have to get their kisses and hugs in individually and that each time someone leaves it has to be a collective seeing off for each person - that means EVERYONE moves en masse to the front door where you linger for another hour or so.

Extricating yourself has to be bloody and brutal or you are swallowed into the black hole.....hence the borderline yelling I had to do.  I felt rude and yet oddly exhilarated....

You reminded me that I forgot a step:  1 - Yakking away while fumbling with seat belt, resulting in me reaching over and pressing the button to undo the thing.

I feel for you, gen xer.  My mother's family was the same way - to get those people out of the house took hours, because they would only move an inch towards the door every half hour, and say goodbye to everyone at least twice.

[PeterM]

I feel for you, gen xer.  My mother's family was the same way - to get those people out of the house took hours, because they would only move an inch towards the door every half hour, and say goodbye to everyone at least twice.

I had a couple customers like this one night when I worked at a bookstore. We closed at six, I had to do a few minutes worth of stuff after closing, and then move real fast to make it to the bus stop before the last bus of the night left.

It's six o'clock and the store is closed, but two customers are lingering and chatting before leaving. Which wasn't a big deal until I realize I'm just about done and they haven't moved. I start trying to usher them out the door, but they're having none of it. I finally had to break into their conversation and explicitly ask them to leave, and one of them snaps, "We are!" as if I'm the most unreasonable person in the history of the world.

All I could think to say was, "No, you're not." That offended them enough to get them out the door, at least. The weird part is we were inside a larger building. It's not like I was kicking them out into the street, just ten feet away to somewhere just as comfortable. There was even a bench right outside the door to the store.

I finished the rest of my work in record time and flew out the door. In the few minutes I'd taken to finish they'd made it almost to the bus stop I was heading for. Somehow they'd managed to learn the art of walking and talking at the same time. They glared at me as I passed them, of course.

[gemma156]

When dealing with my hubby on this matter it never worked to communicate on how just half and hour more, translated into just how late our children were able to finally seek their beds - and be rested for the next day.  Christmas was the worst times, it all ended up with me staying up past midnight to wrap and place the presents under the tree.  After this happened the second time, I refused to let hubby go to bed and be rested for the big day with family.

I informed him that I had done it the last two times visits with his family blew out, (right from the start his sister was late in appearing and she only lived a half hour away, as compared to us who had to travel from another city to attend), so we got home as usual past 9 which meant the children would be fast asleep for another 2 hours due the excitement of what the next day was.  He had to settle the children and individually wrap and label all the presents and place them under the tree.  He came to bed after 2 in the morning.  From then on he got, we then left at the time we said we would leave at (which was 4pm), drove an hour home, bathed the children and then cooked tea and had tea at a reasonable hour, children in bed on time.

The next time we arrived at his parent's house and his sister was running late, so his mother held tea over - he would inform her then we wouldn't be having time for afterwards, as we needed to leave by ___ time.  His mother then got the point when we did just that.  No longer was our family held to what I considered at the time as " time ransom" by his sister's family who had the shortest travel time to arrive to events.

[NyaChan]

Wow, good job gemma. 

[baglady]

I've been known to tell Bagman, "You say goodbye like deaf people!" (The long goodbye is a staple of Deaf culture, a holdover from the days when the only way to communicate outside of snail mail was in person, so there's a lot of "Oh, one more thing ..." as part of the leavetaking ritual.)

I feel as if I'm the rude one, though, as I want to say goodbye and get the heck out, while he wants to have five or six more "Oh, BTW..." conversations between the "gotta go" and the actual departure.