Vegetarian Question

[Sharnita]

In this case OP has made it clear that the menu of salad and (red meat) burgers has already been disclosed.  I am not really sure how snowdragon sees that as a host having taken care of vegetarian needs or solves the question of what a vegetarian would fill up on,

[snowdragon]

     It has been said here that an invitation is not a summons, the OP can just decline the invite. But the host has the right to serve the foods she prefers to.  It is not polite to bring food to someone else's house. It is especially not polite when one knows the host would not feel free to decline this honor but would be silently fuming as in the OP. 
      People go to restaurants all the time and order appetizers and a salad, so expecting someone to either fill up before the party ( or after) and have what she can of the offerings or decline the invite, is not so heinous of the host. It is after all, what would be expected of anyone who did not like the what host had to offer if the situation was reversed - or if the meat eater simply did not like the entree.

[Zilla]

     It has been said here that an invitation is not a summons, the OP can just decline the invite. But the host has the right to serve the foods she prefers to.  It is not polite to bring food to someone else's house. It is especially not polite when one knows the host would not feel free to decline this honor but would be silently fuming as in the OP. 
      People go to restaurants all the time and order appetizers and a salad, so expecting someone to either fill up before the party ( or after) and have what she can of the offerings or decline the invite, is not so heinous of the host. It is after all, what would be expected of anyone who did not like the what host had to offer if the situation was reversed - or if the meat eater simply did not like the entree.

I can respect that.  As a hostess and more importantly, as a friend, I would always welcome a politely asked question if they have a need.  I would never be offended or fume at a guest if they inquire about helping with their requirement since they don't want to impose on the hostess.  But we all host differently and that's fine.  But I would hope you can be a bit more charitable if someone does ask and not think the absolute worst of them.

[Sharnita]

I know a lot of people who would be fine with an inquiry.  I think the number of hosts who would fume are actually a small minority.

[hyzenthlay]

I can respect that.  As a hostess and more importantly, as a friend, I would always welcome a politely asked question if they have a need.  I would never be offended or fume at a guest if they inquire about helping with their requirement since they don't want to impose on the hostess.  But we all host differently and that's fine.  But I would hope you can be a bit more charitable if someone does ask and not think the absolute worst of them.

POD!  If I want people over I will do my best to host well, but my vegetarian is limited, my fish non-existent, and other allergy concerns . . . I'm not sure I have the level of attention need to protect against the bad ones.

So if a guest is concerned, I'd have no problems at all with them bringing food. My pride is not more important then their company. But I don't invite people whose company I am not pretty sure I want. I don't host formal dinner parties at which introductions would be necessary, and I think some of the 'you eat what you are offered and be quiet about it' are rules applicable to much more formal events.

[snowdragon]

     It has been said here that an invitation is not a summons, the OP can just decline the invite. But the host has the right to serve the foods she prefers to.  It is not polite to bring food to someone else's house. It is especially not polite when one knows the host would not feel free to decline this honor but would be silently fuming as in the OP. 
      People go to restaurants all the time and order appetizers and a salad, so expecting someone to either fill up before the party ( or after) and have what she can of the offerings or decline the invite, is not so heinous of the host. It is after all, what would be expected of anyone who did not like the what host had to offer if the situation was reversed - or if the meat eater simply did not like the entree.

I can respect that.  As a hostess and more importantly, as a friend, I would always welcome a politely asked question if they have a need.  I would never be offended or fume at a guest if they inquire about helping with their requirement since they don't want to impose on the hostess.  But we all host differently and that's fine.  But I would hope you can be a bit more charitable if someone does ask and not think the absolute worst of them.

So, guests get to now tell the host "I don't like what you are cooking, I want to bring X over to your house use your facilities ( grill or kitchen ) and do it myself?"    And the host who does not like this is "Uncharitable" for refusing to burden such a guest with further invites.     Honestly - I think if a guest needed to bring their own food to my dinner table it's a  good indication that socializing over food is not going to work with that person.
   And the double standard is really irksome.  Don't ask for privileges in another's home that you are not willing to reciprocate in your own. 

[Sharnita]

What makes you think that person wouldn't reciprocate?  If the person in this situation wants to bring fish because they can't eat red meat they might very well be happy to let a guest bring red meat they needed to eat.

[snowdragon]

What makes you think that person wouldn't reciprocate?  If the person in this situation wants to bring fish because they can't eat red meat they might very well be happy to let a guest bring red meat they needed to eat.

   I asked above if a meat eater could bring their own meet to a vegetarian house, that thought was not well received.  And frankly for many meat eaters dinner means meat, they need it to make a whole meal,.... so them bringing meat to an event is no different than a vegetarian not liking the offering here. She could fill up on salad and appetizers, she just perfers something else.

[Moray]

Please, snowdragon, you are assigning nefarious intent where none exists. An offer to make things easier on your host isn't a criticism, not in the least. It's also just that an offer and can be declined.

I'm afraid I just can't understand this attitude of animosity towards helpful vegetarians. It's not like they're invading the host's kitchen and ruining all the meat. They're just offering to contribute a dish if wanted.[\I]

[Zilla]

     It has been said here that an invitation is not a summons, the OP can just decline the invite. But the host has the right to serve the foods she prefers to.  It is not polite to bring food to someone else's house. It is especially not polite when one knows the host would not feel free to decline this honor but would be silently fuming as in the OP. 
      People go to restaurants all the time and order appetizers and a salad, so expecting someone to either fill up before the party ( or after) and have what she can of the offerings or decline the invite, is not so heinous of the host. It is after all, what would be expected of anyone who did not like the what host had to offer if the situation was reversed - or if the meat eater simply did not like the entree.

I can respect that.  As a hostess and more importantly, as a friend, I would always welcome a politely asked question if they have a need.  I would never be offended or fume at a guest if they inquire about helping with their requirement since they don't want to impose on the hostess.  But we all host differently and that's fine.  But I would hope you can be a bit more charitable if someone does ask and not think the absolute worst of them.

So, guests get to now tell the host "I don't like what you are cooking, I want to bring X over to your house use your facilities ( grill or kitchen ) and do it myself?"  How do you equate a vegetarian that can't eat meat to saying she doesn't like the entree?  That's not the case at all.  She can't eat it.  Period.  And again you are painting the worst picture of what usually happens.  Which is, "Oh I am a vegetarian, may I bring a dish to share?  I wouldn't want to put you through any extra trouble!"  This is an open ended question to let them bring something or offer to make something for them.  It isn't a demand as you posted.




And the host who does not like this is "Uncharitable" for refusing to burden such a guest with further invites.   
It isn't uncharitable, it's how you are phrasing it. 
 Honestly - I think if a guest needed to bring their own food to my dinner table it's a  good indication that socializing over food is not going to work with that person.
And here is the phrase.
   And the double standard is really irksome.  Don't ask for privileges in another's home that you are not willing to reciprocate in your own.
I am confused, where is the double standard?  I don't understand this part?

I think you are confusing vegetarians with picky eaters.  I get the sense that your situation again is very different then what's presented in the OP.

[Zilla]

What makes you think that person wouldn't reciprocate?  If the person in this situation wants to bring fish because they can't eat red meat they might very well be happy to let a guest bring red meat they needed to eat.

   I asked above if a meat eater could bring their own meet to a vegetarian house, that thought was not well received.  And frankly for many meat eaters dinner means meat, they need it to make a whole meal,.... so them bringing meat to an event is no different than a vegetarian not liking the offering here. She could fill up on salad and appetizers, she just perfers something else.

Now I am super confused, I don't see anywhere in this thread that you said this and it wasn't received.  Can you quote where it was posted?  Or are you talking of other thread entirely?  I do remember a poster talking about this a while back.  I am trying to think of who it was...

[Veronica]

What makes you think that person wouldn't reciprocate?  If the person in this situation wants to bring fish because they can't eat red meat they might very well be happy to let a guest bring red meat they needed to eat.

   I asked above if a meat eater could bring their own meet to a vegetarian house, that thought was not well received.  And frankly for many meat eaters dinner means meat, they need it to make a whole meal,.... so them bringing meat to an event is no different than a vegetarian not liking the offering here. She could fill up on salad and appetizers, she just perfers something else.

Now I am super confused, I don't see anywhere in this thread that you said this and it wasn't received.  Can you quote where it was posted?  Or are you talking of other thread entirely?  I do remember a poster talking about this a while back.  I am trying to think of who it was...

Waterwren, I'm confused as to how someone who is a meat eater would need to eat meat all the time.  I'm not a vegetarian and yet I had vegetarian guests last weekend and I managed to go all weekend without eating meat because it was just easier to stick with the same meal they were eating.  I didn't want to prepare a vegetarian dish for them and a meat dish for me.  What dietary restriction is there that says someone had to eat meat at every meal?  I've never heard of it.

[Zilla]

Oh I remember now, that's right your other account was waterwren, I remember you posting something about that.  Yep, those are entirely different threads (I just searched and read a bunch).  In this specific thread though, no one is saying there are double standards or demanding a vegetarian dish.  It's a very nicely worded question.


ETA:I just reread what you had said about Waterwren in another thread, sorry I remembered wrong.  I only remembered that you had posted you aren't her.  But in any case, you mentioned you read her threads.  I think that is what you are thinking of when you posted about double standards.

[Aeris]

     It has been said here that an invitation is not a summons, the OP can just decline the invite. But the host has the right to serve the foods she prefers to.  It is not polite to bring food to someone else's house. It is especially not polite when one knows the host would not feel free to decline this honor but would be silently fuming as in the OP. 
      People go to restaurants all the time and order appetizers and a salad, so expecting someone to either fill up before the party ( or after) and have what she can of the offerings or decline the invite, is not so heinous of the host. It is after all, what would be expected of anyone who did not like the what host had to offer if the situation was reversed - or if the meat eater simply did not like the entree.

I can respect that.  As a hostess and more importantly, as a friend, I would always welcome a politely asked question if they have a need.  I would never be offended or fume at a guest if they inquire about helping with their requirement since they don't want to impose on the hostess.  But we all host differently and that's fine.  But I would hope you can be a bit more charitable if someone does ask and not think the absolute worst of them.

So, guests get to now tell the host "I don't like what you are cooking, I want to bring X over to your house use your facilities ( grill or kitchen ) and do it myself?"    And the host who does not like this is "Uncharitable" for refusing to burden such a guest with further invites.     Honestly - I think if a guest needed to bring their own food to my dinner table it's a  good indication that socializing over food is not going to work with that person.
   And the double standard is really irksome.  Don't ask for privileges in another's home that you are not willing to reciprocate in your own.

Honestly, if I raked my friends over the coals for such minor, perceived infractions as daring to ask if they might help reduce the burden of their dietary restriction, I imagine I wouldn't have any friends at all.

Fortunately, my friends and I seem to be able to let such abominable behavior as offering to help pass. Somehow we struggle on and manage to enjoy each other's company despite it.

[*inviteseller]

I do not eat meat..period.  It is my choice and most everyone I know who invites me to dinner knows this. When I am invited for a meal (and these are usually informal get togethers with friends), I am told ahead of time by most what they are planning.  Say the menu is a cheese and cracker platter with drinks, then steaks and a salad.  I then offer to bring a pasta/veg mix for another side, but  (left unsaid) something I can use as a substitute for the steak.  Usually my host will say yes, that sounds great, thanks, but I have been told 'no, we have enough food planned.  In those cases I graciously decline the invitation.  Now, if I am going to a big summer blowout, even though I will not eat the burgers and dogs, there is usually enough sides that I do not walk away feeling hungry.  I have never expected any host, be it family or friend, to come up with alternatives for me, and I am more than happy to contribute something, but if I am going to sit around a table nibbling a bowl of salad while everyone is having their steaks and scalloped potatos with bacon (this has happened), I feel weird.  And if people find me rude because I will not want to partake in their meat fest, then by all means, do not invite me.  And I typically host a few B B Q's a summer and Christmas dinner...I do serve meat because I am a lonely little herbivore in a carnivore world.  And Snowdragon, you seem to take a persons dietary habits as a personal affront.  My one friend is a wonderful cook, but I will not eat any of her meat dishes.  I am not rude, nor am I making some sort of commentary about her cooking, I just do not eat it.  You are, obviously a hard core meat eater, and that is your choice.  I am a vegetarian, that is my choice.  Neither is rude, but, if I am reading you posts correctly, a guest gets an invitation, they should just accept it, suck it up and eat it or subsist on a salad or a side of veg and be hungry just so you can be a good little guest?  And if said guest has the audacity to ask to bring a little something to share that they can eat as opposed to everything else being served, that is a slap in the face to the hostess?  And if the vegetarian declines that particular invitation, you would never have them back again?  Do you have any friends or relatives who are vegetarians or have serious food restrictions due to allergies?  I don't think a good hostess would want a guest to sit there eating salad and bread while everyone else is feasting on steaks when it could be rectified so simply.
And POD to Moray who posted while I was typing