s/o Sharing an appetizer - What about dessert?

[TootsNYC]

I hope I'd say something like "Oh, no thank you. I don't need any extra forks."

Can you do that, though?  I mean, if he's already putting down forks at each person's place, it seems really awkward to say, "Oh no, take all those back from everyone.  I'm not sharing."  It just seems kind of touchy when it's already in the works.
 

I think you absolutely can say, "Oh, I'm sorry--I didn't intend to share my cheesecake. Sorry, everybody!"
And "You can take the forks back."


And then cut the tip.

It's not wrong to maintain the ownership of your belongings. And you *own* the cheesecake.
(true, you haven't paid for it yet, but you own it as much as you own the chicken you ate just before you ordered dessert, which you haven't paid for either)

And in *my* experience (which is of course only my experience), everyone at the table who already declined to order dessert, and which you did NOT discuss "would anyone else like" or "would you help me eat," is not comfortable with the arrival of the forks, spoons, etc. And they wouldn't begrudge you saying, "Sorry, not sharing the ice cream!"

As for the fried ice cream--I wouldn't care about the potential for food waste. The waiter is not my mother.

[Softly Spoken]

Can anyone explain to me why bringing spoons or forks would be a "tip-dockable offense"?

Several PPs have said that this behavior warrants a tip reduction. IMHO that just seems petty. I can understand servers losing or getting reduced tips for not bringing something, bringing the wrong thing, or for bringing something late. I don't know that being brought something you don't want or need happens that often, or if it does I don't see how it warrants punishment. I've never heard people complain when a server brings extra napkins or any of the other misc. accessories that people always seem to need. I don't think the server who brings extra utensils is being lazy, careless or disrespectful. I can see where it would be annoying if you didn't want them, but I wouldn't actually call it rude - more of a case of miscommunication.

Now if you had explicitly said "no extra forks" and they brought it anyway, or gave you any kind of attitude when you asked them to take the forks away I can understand them not earning a generous tip.

Otherwise, especially considering how differently people feel about desserts and sharing, it seems like you are punishing the server for not indulging your own personal preference?

[Barney girl]

Can anyone explain to me why bringing spoons or forks would be a "tip-dockable offense"?

Several PPs have said that this behavior warrants a tip reduction. IMHO that just seems petty. I can understand servers losing or getting reduced tips for not bringing something, bringing the wrong thing, or for bringing something late. I don't know that being brought something you don't want or need happens that often, or if it does I don't see how it warrants punishment. I've never heard people complain when a server brings extra napkins or any of the other misc. accessories that people always seem to need. I don't think the server who brings extra utensils is being lazy, careless or disrespectful. I can see where it would be annoying if you didn't want them, but I wouldn't actually call it rude - more of a case of miscommunication.

Now if you had explicitly said "no extra forks" and they brought it anyway, or gave you any kind of attitude when you asked them to take the forks away I can understand them not earning a generous tip.

Otherwise, especially considering how differently people feel about desserts and sharing, it seems like you are punishing the server for not indulging your own personal preference?

I've never known this to happen in the UK, but I would think the reason some people refer to docking tips is that the waiter is putting the person who ordered dessert in the awkward position of explaining that they don't want share. If the had wanted to share they would have asked for extra cutlery.

I must say I feel bad enough when a friend suggests getting one between us. It feels greedy to say I was wanting one for myself, particularly when I know she wouldn't want a whole dessert for herself, so would otherwise do without.

[DottyG]

but I would think the reason some people refer to docking tips is that the waiter is putting the person who ordered dessert in the awkward position of explaining that they don't want share. If the had wanted to share they would have asked for extra cutlery.

This. With the announcement that I'm going to share, it puts me in a weird spot. If it were just putting the extra forks quietly on the table beside me, it's still wrong, but it's not quite as bad. It's the automatic assumption that my dessert isn't just mine but the table's that irritates me.

[Dazi]

I admit freely to having food issues. 

I hate people taking food off my plate or touching what's mine without permission.  If previously agreed upon, sharing is fine with me as long as there is separate plates and utensils involved.

I personally don't usually order dessert as I find most too rich or sickening sweet.  If I do order dessert, it is usually to share...with the exception of real key lime pie which is mine, mine, mine.

It would still be very off putting to me for a Waiter to assume I'm going to share or force me into an awkward position of telling others I'm not sharing.  I only give pass on one dessert dish, sopapillas, which are such large orders generally that it takes a table to finish them.

[Yvaine]

Dotty, you do not have to share your dessert just because the waiter put extra forks there. Lots of PPs have given humorous or polite wording. This is a spine moment.

[TootsNYC]

Remember also that each of us at the table understands the "My cheesecake! Mine! All mine!" urge.

So we'll be on your side.

[DottyG]

Yvaine, I was answering the question someone asked about the tip - I know wording has already been given as to how to deal with it.

[petal]

but I would think the reason some people refer to docking tips is that the waiter is putting the person who ordered dessert in the awkward position of explaining that they don't want share. If the had wanted to share they would have asked for extra cutlery.

This. With the announcement that I'm going to share, it puts me in a weird spot. If it were just putting the extra forks quietly on the table beside me, it's still wrong, but it's not quite as bad. It's the automatic assumption that my dessert isn't just mine but the table's that irritates me.

one dessert on the table and a few extra forks are put down.  you smile and say to the waitress/waiter   "oh no, we dont need those extra forks. no one else ordered dessert."

then you pull the dessert in front of yourself and start eating.

[NestHolder]

In my experience, sharing of desserts (or appetisers, to hark back to the parent thread) is negotiated in advance.

It's not uncommon for me to be seduced by the description of a dessert, while perfectly aware I don't really have room to eat it.  I'll ask, before ordering, if anyone would like to share - and if everybody else wants their own, it's up to me to order or not order.  And between the four of us (DH, DD, DS and me) we'll often swap spoonfuls so that everyone gets the chance to taste everything.  If we want to share a dessert, we'll ask for an extra fork or spoon.

I'd be unimpressed with a waiter who cheerfully assumed that my creme brulee, or cheesecake, or chocolate cake with wasabi, was generally up for grabs.  It's not his call.  And there is a distinct air of "you ought not to be eating All This Dessert" in an unrequested distribution of forks, which I would certainly resent if it ever happened to me.  So my conclusion is that a waiter is in the wrong if he assumes sharing and provides extra cutlery when he has not been asked for it.

I don't think I'd have a problem cheerfully announcing that This Cake Is Mine, though.

[BeagleMommy]

Since I only eat desserts on special occasions I don't share*.  Ever.  However, I don't think I'd be nonplussed if the waitstaff set down extra cutlery.  Sometimes you may offer someone a tast of your dessert but you might not want to share cutlery.

*I once jabbed DH in the hand with my fork because he had the audacity to reach across the table to taste my salted caramel creme cake without asking.  Needless to say, he never did THAT again.

[Yvaine]

I'll also say that this has never really been a problem with my friends. Even if the server brings extra forks, nobody has ever just tried to dig in without permission or prior discussion--i.e., they figure I ordered it for myself unless I said otherwise, so the extra forks just sit there unused.

The only time I've had a problem with this was with an ex-boyfriend who was a bottomless pit for food. I did offer him bites, and then the "bite" would be half the slice. Finally I just started asking him if we should order another one so each of us could have a whole piece.

[Softly Spoken]

Remember also that each of us at the table understands the "My cheesecake! Mine! All mine!" urge.

So we'll be on your side.

Is anyone else thinking of Daffy Duck in "Ali Baba Bunny"?
Jut replace the gold and treasure with cake and it totally fits!

[doodlemor]

I revived this thread to share Miss Manner's take on the topic, which was in her column today in the Buffalo News.  Here is the link - it is the first letter:

http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130325/CITYANDREGION03/130329448/1057

Basically Miss Manners said that if the waitperson brings forks for everyone at the table the dessert orderer might say,  "Thank you, but this looks so good that I'll want to devour it all.  Does anyone else want to order one?"

I think that this handles the situation well because everyone else is immediately aware that the person ordering doesn't want to share, and everyone has a chance to order a dessert before the wait person leaves the table.

[snowdragon]

but I would think the reason some people refer to docking tips is that the waiter is putting the person who ordered dessert in the awkward position of explaining that they don't want share. If the had wanted to share they would have asked for extra cutlery.

This. With the announcement that I'm going to share, it puts me in a weird spot. If it were just putting the extra forks quietly on the table beside me, it's still wrong, but it's not quite as bad. It's the automatic assumption that my dessert isn't just mine but the table's that irritates me.

  This  - I don't share food, ever and if someone who takes the waiters que and digs into my dessert, I end up with out one. I really hate it when a 3rd party decides that *of course* I am sharing - as an adult I expect to make those decisions myself. Docking the tip is how waiters will get the message most clearly.
 Worst experience I ever had with this was when I took a friend s out to eat and ordered myself a dessert - the waiter TOLD her I was sharing and when I told them no I wasn't he looked at me and said "My aren't we selfish". his tip was a hand written note ( so he knew why I tipped so low) and a less than half the normal tip on dinner.  I spoke to the manager on the way out so he knew what  happened and why I would not be back anytime soon.