S/O Sharing dessert - Food Dictators

[Softly Spoken]

Okay the shared dessert thread reminded me that I almost never got upset about sharing dessert...because whenever I would eat out with exBFF I almost never was "allowed" to order any.

My friend B was almost always on a diet for an upcoming wedding or, if not that, always in a hurry once she decided she was done with her meal. Early on in our relationship, I would express and interest in ordering dessert and be dismissed with "Oh you don't need that," "We _{(um, we? )} don't need that today," and at one point she informed me that I was being rude/a bad friend if I ate it in front of her when she was on her diet. Now I will admit to buffing my spine if I was really in the mood and the restaurant had amazingly awesome dessert, but for the most part I would just shrug. I think sometimes I felt pressured if we had gone to a restuarant far away in her car, because then I felt more like a "guest" even when we went dutch since I couldn't tell her to go on without me - well I could have but I never found dessert worth the trouble of making it my hill to die on.

Looking back on it, I really can't believe I let her bulldoze me like that. I don't think she had any right to tell me what I could or couldn't eat. Her diet was not my problem. My diet was none of her business.

I've heard of similar instances on this board in regards to vegetarians claiming other people eating meat was offensive to them. I could never wrap my head around this. It always sounds to me like an SS whining "You aren't doing what I want so you are meeeeean," not an actual case of rudness.

Now the most I can give to my exBFFs pov is to acknowledge that if you are done and ready to go it can be frustrating to have someone lingering over dessert if you both came in the same car - but I think the mature thing would be to just say so and maybe ask them to either get it to go or maybe say they could get it next time, instead of aggressively trying to talk them out of doing what they want just because it inconviences you.

So my stance on eating out, with anyone, is: my food, my business. Is that in any way rude or unreasonable? What the heck is up with people who try and tell other people what they can and can't order?

[GSNW]

It's rude and off-putting for sure.  Eating out with someone is (IMO) about the company first, though I get that most people like to pick a fun/tasty place to eat, so the food is definitely part of it. 

I have a coworker who does the opposite - she is a diet shamer.  I can only conclude that she's terribly insecure about her weight/eating habits.  She actually got mad at me on a field trip once - we stopped for lunch with a few options and she asked me to hit burger joint with her and I said I was going to eat at subway instead.  "Come on, a few fries won't kill you.  You didn't even have a bug breakfast."

Food is such a touchy topic for so many people, me included. 

[DottyG]

Softly, your story makes me angry. And it makes me want to drive you to the nearest "got the yummiest desserts" restaurant right now and let you get as many desserts as you want.

[Diane AKA Traska]

It's rude and off-putting for sure.  Eating out with someone is (IMO) about the company first, though I get that most people like to pick a fun/tasty place to eat, so the food is definitely part of it. 

I have a coworker who does the opposite - she is a diet shamer.  I can only conclude that she's terribly insecure about her weight/eating habits.  She actually got mad at me on a field trip once - we stopped for lunch with a few options and she asked me to hit burger joint with her and I said I was going to eat at subway instead.  "Come on, a few fries won't kill you.  You didn't even have a bug breakfast."

Food is such a touchy topic for so many people, me included.

How can you not have a bug breakfast?  Crickets are the most important meal of the day! 

[siamesecat2965]

I think its rude; I know I don't always order dessert, or sometimes I'm the only one in the group who does. It has never occurred to me that its rude to make people "wait" while I have my dessert. And I've never thought when I don't and others do, hurry, hurry, let's go, I don't have time for this.

ExBFF was rude. If she didn't want any, fine, but that doesn't give her the right to dictate what others can do or have.  My cousin can be like that sometimes. She is forever trying to lose weight on fad diets, and through not so healthy methods. I'm convinced she thinks she has a supermodel figure lurking inside her, which, I'm sorry to say, she does not. What's funny is she'll be on this eat right kick one day, then the next have a huge sundae. I've learned just to ignore her and do what I want.

[weeblewobble]

I probably would have ordered the dessert to go and eaten it when I got home.  I'm all for being considerate, but I have an instinctual negative almost over-reaction to people trying to control me.  I've had people say, "Oh, you don't want that, you want XYZ." when I mention what I want.  Or, "Wow, are you really going to eat all that?" when I'm starving after spending two hours at the gym that morning.  What I eat is no one's business.

I, too, had an ex-friend on a perpetual diet.  (Fiona, the one who was always trying to "improve" me by rescuing me from my own tastes and trying to force me to like different tv shows, books, etc.) It never lasted more than a few months as she bounced from fad to fad.  She frequently told me what I did and didn't need to eat based on whatever fad of the moment she was devoted to.  I pretty much ignored her and did as I pleased. Until she went carb-free and I ordered pasta for lunch.  She spent the better part of an hour complaining about how mean and unsupportive I was to eat that in front of her, and how baaaad it was for me, and I was never going to change for the better if I kept eating this way.  I enjoyed my pasta and went home.  She emailed me a menu/meal plan she'd put together for me from her diet plan because she was "determined to fix this problem for me."

I ignored her meal plan and declined meals with her from then on.  She continued to harp on me about my tastes and need for personal improvement, including telling me to take a direction with my work that probably would have tanked my career if I'd followed it.  I continued to ignore her advice, making her lament about my stubborn nature.  Because good friends do what they're told, I guess. 

The final straw was when I asked her why she was trying to improve me all of the time.  Either I was good enough to be her friend or I wasn't.  The look on her face said it all.  I relieved her of the burden of being friends with "someone like me."   And I'm a lot happier.

[jaxsue]

I have a friend whose parents take us out to dinner when they come to town. The dad always brings coupons for chain restaurants and decides where we will eat and what we will eat, based on the coupons. Fine, he's paying, his rules.

What was odd was one time friend and I decided we'd order an app (to share, we said). We'd pay for it. The dad was visibly upset. And when friend oredered a soda instead of a water, dad was upset once again.

Okay, so dad pays, dad makes the rules. Yet when I paid for everyone's meals the dad still controlled everything! The level of control was astounding (yes, he is "Mr. Control" with a lot of things).

[GSNW]

I have a friend whose parents take us out to dinner when they come to town. The dad always brings coupons for chain restaurants and decides where we will eat and what we will eat, based on the coupons. Fine, he's paying, his rules.

What was odd was one time friend and I decided we'd order an app (to share, we said). We'd pay for it. The dad was visibly upset. And when friend oredered a soda instead of a water, dad was upset once again.

Okay, so dad pays, dad makes the rules. Yet when I paid for everyone's meals the dad still controlled everything! The level of control was astounding (yes, he is "Mr. Control" with a lot of things).

I would probably decline invites from this man in the future!  That sounds really uncomfortable for everyone except the food nazi.

[*inviteseller]

Water???   He only let you get a water?  A soda is like $2 with free refills !  If I went out to eat with them again, I would ask for a separate check and pay my own way to eat what I want.  If someone is treating, I keep it reasonable, but as an adult, to be told what I will be ordering and only getting to drink water?  Nope. 

[jaxsue]

Water???   He only let you get a water?  A soda is like $2 with free refills !  If I went out to eat with them again, I would ask for a separate check and pay my own way to eat what I want.  If someone is treating, I keep it reasonable, but as an adult, to be told what I will be ordering and only getting to drink water?  Nope.

Yeah, he has control issues. According to friend, he's always been this way. I'm going to try your suggestion next time. It should be interesting. 

[PastryGoddess]

Water???   He only let you get a water?  A soda is like $2 with free refills !  If I went out to eat with them again, I would ask for a separate check and pay my own way to eat what I want.  If someone is treating, I keep it reasonable, but as an adult, to be told what I will be ordering and only getting to drink water?  Nope.

Yeah, he has control issues. According to friend, he's always been this way. I'm going to try your suggestion next time. It should be interesting. 

I'll be looking for news of an unexplained volcanic eruption happening in a chain restaurant. 

[Susiqzer]

I have a friend whose parents take us out to dinner when they come to town. The dad always brings coupons for chain restaurants and decides where we will eat and what we will eat, based on the coupons. Fine, he's paying, his rules.

What was odd was one time friend and I decided we'd order an app (to share, we said). We'd pay for it. The dad was visibly upset. And when friend oredered a soda instead of a water, dad was upset once again.

Okay, so dad pays, dad makes the rules. Yet when I paid for everyone's meals the dad still controlled everything! The level of control was astounding (yes, he is "Mr. Control" with a lot of things).

Oh, I waited on someone like this once, when I was a server at Chain Italian Restaurant!

The first request was that his family must order off the lunch menu, at dinner. That's absolutely fine -- dinner portions are huge! -- but then he wanted to order an item that was specially priced at lunch. I apologized, and explained that the computer wouldn't allow me to ring it in at the lower price at that time of day. (I had to bring him to the computer to prove this!) Cue first tantrum.

We got past that, and the rest of the group continued to order. One dared to order a fountain drink, and was reminded that only water was allowed. Cue awkward exchange as his mid-20's child tries to rationalize the $1.50 item... and fails.

Then one of the party ordered something that did not come with the free salad. I asked if they wanted to "add" the salad ($1.95, at the time). Cue second tantrum because "the salad just comes" and he was NOT paying for more. I apologized again, and explained the restaurant's policy (something about how it was fine for that person to share, but I'd have to charge them if the table needed a refill). He agreed.

All was fine until they of course did need a refill, when another tantrum ensued. After being yelled at multiple times, I was NOT budging -- I generally pretended not to notice if someone shared the salad, but not with this guy! -- and asked how he wanted to handle it. He finally agreed to pay for the refill.

The final tantrum came when I delivered the check. One person had ordered an item which, while listed on the lunch menu, wasn't a lunch portion. All of the lunch items are marked on the check with an "L" and it was noticeably missing upon his careful review. I explained that the correct item was received, showed the menu as proof of price, and explained that there wasn't a smaller portion at lunch. 

By this point, the entire section of the restaurant is watching this grown man throw tantrums about every little thing. It was awkward, but a little bit funny... but I'm perverse like that.

He finally paid and left, with the entire party thanking me and apologizing on the way out. My tip? $1.95, the amount of the salad add-on. Tips from other tables who watched me calmly handle the tantrums more than made up for it... I think I actually came out ahead!

[CrochetFanatic]

I've run into this from time to time.  I don't tend to order dessert, especially if someone else is paying, unless the whole table decides to get it.  But a couple times, I had a "friend" try to shame me into not getting something.

One time stands out in my mind.  I was in my early twenties, and was meeting a co-worker whom I was friendly with so that we could hang out and get some shopping done.  I'm kind of heavy, and she was...I would say 'average', but everyone seems to have a different definition of that.  There was (and still is, come to think of it) a DQ/Orange Julius at the mall, and since I had skipped lunch I was dying for a smoothie.  I suggested that we get something from there, and she seemed surprised.  I was even willing to treat her, but I never got that far.

She said, "I don't really want to.  I'm trying to fit into the next size down, and I've been doing pretty good."

I understood, but replied, "Okay, well, I won't be long.  Where do you want to meet?"  The day had gone pretty much like that; if one of us was going into a store the other wasn't interested in, we would split up and name the next store where we would meet.

She sort of scoffed, and said, "I just said I didn't want to go there."

Now I was a little surprised, and said, "I know.  You don't have to.  But I missed lunch, and I'm getting something to eat."

"Yeah, but something from there?  Do you know how many calories are in that?! I don't need it, and, uh... *looks pointedly at me* you kinda don't either."

Uh, yeah.    I got my smoothie without answering her, and she sniped at me all the way to our cars because I was "rude" enough to have it in front of her when she was 'trying to be good'.  Just passing by places like that strike me as being a temptation, and I wasn't actually drinking it until we left.  She was just mad that I had it.  I was "unavailable" for mall trips after that, and she trashed me up and down for being "unsupportive".  Trying to tell me what I can and can't eat, and insulting my weight to shame me into obedience?  That never works.

[jaxsue]

Water???   He only let you get a water?  A soda is like $2 with free refills !  If I went out to eat with them again, I would ask for a separate check and pay my own way to eat what I want.  If someone is treating, I keep it reasonable, but as an adult, to be told what I will be ordering and only getting to drink water?  Nope.

Yeah, he has control issues. According to friend, he's always been this way. I'm going to try your suggestion next time. It should be interesting. 

I'll be looking for news of an unexplained volcanic eruption happening in a chain restaurant. 

I'll be happy to oblige when it happens. 

[mmswm]

I have a friend whose parents take us out to dinner when they come to town. The dad always brings coupons for chain restaurants and decides where we will eat and what we will eat, based on the coupons. Fine, he's paying, his rules.

What was odd was one time friend and I decided we'd order an app (to share, we said). We'd pay for it. The dad was visibly upset. And when friend oredered a soda instead of a water, dad was upset once again.

Okay, so dad pays, dad makes the rules. Yet when I paid for everyone's meals the dad still controlled everything! The level of control was astounding (yes, he is "Mr. Control" with a lot of things).

I didn't realize you knew my dad!