It's been a long time (years, in fact) since I posted, but I've been lurking all this time.
And now I have a question I'd really like to run past you... really just hoping for opinions and insight.
I have a friend, Rora, that I've known for about ten years (I'm 32). I have always considered her my best friend, similar to a sister. We are very much alike and have shared a lot together.
About two years ago, I had a lot of troublesome things happen. I had a VERY bad relationship
end, I tried moving cross-country (and failed, and had to move back); lots of trauma and unpleasant stuff. During this time, I sort of "dropped out" on a lot of people - I was diagnosed with depression, and part of how it manifested itself was my inability to communicate with people very well. I was also just plain swamped and scared and buried and confused.
Rora also has a lot of her own baggage - she suffers from bad anxiety, has a very troubled love life, issues with her parents, etc. Most of our phone conversations tend to center on her problems. I never minded this, until I got buried in the bad stuff.
I went about six months not talking to Rora on the phone. I just didn't have the mental space to 1) explain what was going on, and 2) handle her problems, too. She kept calling me, a few times a week. I barely spoke to her, but I did try to keep her updated via email and Facebook.
Last year, things got better for awhile, and I relocated to a new area to get a master's degree. I got in touch with Rora, and apologized for being AWOL, and thanked her for remaining my friend. Our relationship
was GREAT for awhile. We talked on the phone for about an hour every other night. We even got together in person a few times during this period. She loaned me a car and let me stay with her when I had to fly to her state for an event.
But, about six months ago, things took a bad turn. I had to leave my grad program, fell back into depression, lost my job. At the worst of it (when I was trying to get legal assistance to keep from being removed from my school, which failed), I stopped talking to Rora; again, I emailed her and just said I was too buried and things were too messy, but I would be in touch. I went about two weeks not talking to her (or anyone) on the phone.
Well, she got very angry. She sent me an email saying that after all she had done for me (the loaning of her car, etc), I owed her more than this. She also sent an unsolicited email to my new boyfriend (whom she'd never met; at the time we had just started dating
- she found him via Facebook). In the email, she asked him what was going on with me, asked if I had said anything about being mad at her, and asked him not to tell me that she had contacted him.
He did tell me; he also told me that he wrote her back and basically said "Bea is going through a lot of horrible things right now, I'm sure she will be in touch again" and offered to pass on a message. She said no, and the next day she sent me a final message telling me off for being selfish, a bad friend, etc. and informing me she had deleted my phone number.
I was so overwhelmed that I let it go. Boyfriend was furious - he feels her response (cutting me out upon learning that things were bad) was unfair and selfish.
I'm also angry that she contacted Boyfriend. I've had such bad relationships
- as she knows better than anyone - and this one is actually healthy, and it made me really upset that she was "tampering" with it like that. I mean, asking him not to tell me she had written? It just seems like soliciting drama/ making things about her.
On the other hand, I did this to her in the past (drop out). I can't decide if that makes me an awful friend, or if that means she should have known this is how things go when I'm depressed/ overwhelmed, and not taken it personally.
It wasn't personal, either... I honestly was just in a horrible place - I even had to move within a 4-day time span b/c I had to leave student housing. It was a disaster. I don't think she knew the extent of the mess - largely because we didn't talk about my problems very much when we did talk.
It's now been about six months of no contact. I miss her, but I can't truly decide what to do here. I'm unsure if she's being unfair; if it's worth trying to fix this; if she should have been more understanding; if I owe her an apology. I'd really appreciate anyone's POV on who was rudest here, who was (or wasn't) a bad friend, and what to do next. Thanks EHell.
*Edited trying to shorten the length! Sorry, haven't posted in so long I'm not very good at it anymore.