Author Topic: A friend cutting contact/ going to my BF behind my back - clarifications #2 & #7  (Read 8310 times)

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GSNW

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I can understand Rora feeling sad at lack of contact, but her reaction was extreme.  Contact of the boyfriend is all about the message.  "Hey BF, I haven't heard from Friend in awhile.  I hope she is ok and please let her know I'm thinking about her" would be okay, but the actual message was very immature and I don't blame OP and BF for being offended.

I do think that choosing to just cut people of during a difficult time is going to have some unpleasant consequences.  That doesn't make what Rora did okay, she should have handled her hurt in a better way.

Luxie

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How much of your not talking to her was due to the fact that you couldn't deal with trying to manage her problems as well as your own?

Winterlight, I'd say it was about 60/ 40 - 60% me not having the headspace to deal with her stuff, and wanting to stay focused on my own issues at the time. 40% just not wanting to have to talk about anything going on with me - while she wouldn't necessarily have asked, I would have felt like I owed her an explanation and since things were still up in the air and I was still in such a bad place, I didn't feel ready to process it that way yet.

delabela

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I typed out a long reply, but I'll boil it down to this: I think you were both wrong in the way you've treated each other. I'd call it even and decide what you want -- to let it go or to cut out the friendship.

I agree with this - it sounds like the friendship had some good points, but neither one of you could be the friend the other one needed in the end. 

Twik

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I think that this is a case of how friends can, with the best of intentions, be as incompatible as lovers can, and must realize the relationship is not to be.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

gramma dishes

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I think Rora may have felt a little "displaced" by your boyfriend (who, by the way, handled the situation presented to him flawlessly and should be commended for that).

It seems like each of you were capable of 'draining' the other, so maybe it's best to just move forward, remembering with fondness the good things about your friendship but still moving on.

AustenFan

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OP, I truly understand. I have a very demanding job and when I get overwhelmed I tend to "turtle", just stay in my shell and stick my head out when necessary.

But here's the thing: you basically gave Rora the cut direct, and she had NO idea why. She would have spend that time wondering what she did to upset you and why you wouldn't talk to her. She then would have began to emotionally accept it and move on. Then you picked up again. you guys became friends again, but when you showed signs of cutting her again she was understandably hurt.

Like another poster said, you can't just put people in cold storage, and expect them to be OK with it over & over again.

Was she right to contact your boyfriend? Probably not, because it sounds like it was done out of anger. But if we're laying blame I think you need consider how many times she was supposed to accept a cut direct style loss of her best friend without warning or reason.

Fleur

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OP, I truly understand. I have a very demanding job and when I get overwhelmed I tend to "turtle", just stay in my shell and stick my head out when necessary.

But here's the thing: you basically gave Rora the cut direct, and she had NO idea why. She would have spend that time wondering what she did to upset you and why you wouldn't talk to her. She then would have began to emotionally accept it and move on. Then you picked up again. you guys became friends again, but when you showed signs of cutting her again she was understandably hurt.

Like another poster said, you can't just put people in cold storage, and expect them to be OK with it over & over again.

Was she right to contact your boyfriend? Probably not, because it sounds like it was done out of anger. But if we're laying blame I think you need consider how many times she was supposed to accept a cut direct style loss of her best friend without warning or reason.

I thought she explained to Rora what the issue was, and said that she was sorry but she wasn't up to staying in touch. That is nowhere near being the cut direct. And contacting the boyfriend was inexcusably rude, I am genuinely surpised that anyone thinks that was anything near acceptable. If a friend contacted my boyfriend behind my back I would drop them in a hot minute.

*inviteseller

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You still sent her texts and talked with her on Facebook, but could not talk to her when she wanted because you hit a horrible patch in your life, so instead of being supportive she cut you out?  No, this is not a friend and I would say good riddance.  I found out who my friends were back in 2011 when I had some major horrible events happen in my life in a small period of time and I had to take care of life first.  And it hurt to lose these people, but looking back, they weren't friends or they would have waited out the storm with me instead of being mad I could not be there for their emotional needs.  The ones who just waited for me to reach out to them and were just there to hold my hand if I needed it are the only ones allowed to wear the title of friend.  the rest..meh, good bye

AustenFan

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OP, I truly understand. I have a very demanding job and when I get overwhelmed I tend to "turtle", just stay in my shell and stick my head out when necessary.

But here's the thing: you basically gave Rora the cut direct, and she had NO idea why. She would have spend that time wondering what she did to upset you and why you wouldn't talk to her. She then would have began to emotionally accept it and move on. Then you picked up again. you guys became friends again, but when you showed signs of cutting her again she was understandably hurt.

Like another poster said, you can't just put people in cold storage, and expect them to be OK with it over & over again.

Was she right to contact your boyfriend? Probably not, because it sounds like it was done out of anger. But if we're laying blame I think you need consider how many times she was supposed to accept a cut direct style loss of her best friend without warning or reason.

I thought she explained to Rora what the issue was, and said that she was sorry but she wasn't up to staying in touch. That is nowhere near being the cut direct. And contacting the boyfriend was inexcusably rude, I am genuinely surpised that anyone thinks that was anything near acceptable. If a friend contacted my boyfriend behind my back I would drop them in a hot minute.

From talking to someone daily to barely emailing them? I'd say that's a pretty good cut (though you're right, not direct in the technical sense) that likely left friend confused and hurt.

I get the fact that everyone goes through stuff, but people aren't toys that can be put away when you're (general) done playing with them. If they are still there through you once you've weathered your personal storm, great. When they're not though, you can hardly blame them for reacting to being treated like they are disposable.

Dragonflymom

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I think any friend who expected one hour phone calls every other day would be way too exhausting for me to deal with.  Especially if the majority of those calls are about her issues.  I have some friends like this and I could not handle being in that kind of very frequent contact with them even without all the issues which you have been dealing with yourself.

The contacting your boyfriend and making it all about her "Is Bea mad at me?" is very juvenile and rude.  And I think tracking him down and contacting him like that out of the blue actually feels very off to me, like she's sort of keeping tabs on you.  I wouldn't like that at all if a friend pulled that on me and it would probably mean the end of our friendship.

I really think being out of touch for only two weeks when you are dealing with all these major issues is not that bad at all.  Many of my good friends only see or hear from me every couple weeks if that.  Rora just sounds completely exhausting to me.

I agree that she seems just too high maintenance to work out as a friend for you.  *hugs*
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Fleur

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OP, I truly understand. I have a very demanding job and when I get overwhelmed I tend to "turtle", just stay in my shell and stick my head out when necessary.

But here's the thing: you basically gave Rora the cut direct, and she had NO idea why. She would have spend that time wondering what she did to upset you and why you wouldn't talk to her. She then would have began to emotionally accept it and move on. Then you picked up again. you guys became friends again, but when you showed signs of cutting her again she was understandably hurt.

Like another poster said, you can't just put people in cold storage, and expect them to be OK with it over & over again.

Was she right to contact your boyfriend? Probably not, because it sounds like it was done out of anger. But if we're laying blame I think you need consider how many times she was supposed to accept a cut direct style loss of her best friend without warning or reason.

I thought she explained to Rora what the issue was, and said that she was sorry but she wasn't up to staying in touch. That is nowhere near being the cut direct. And contacting the boyfriend was inexcusably rude, I am genuinely surpised that anyone thinks that was anything near acceptable. If a friend contacted my boyfriend behind my back I would drop them in a hot minute.

From talking to someone daily to barely emailing them? I'd say that's a pretty good cut (though you're right, not direct in the technical sense) that likely left friend confused and hurt.

I get the fact that everyone goes through stuff, but people aren't toys that can be put away when you're (general) done playing with them. If they are still there through you once you've weathered your personal storm, great. When they're not though, you can hardly blame them for reacting to being treated like they are disposable.

Rora has a right to feel however she feels. Feelings can't be wrong, but actions can be, and I believe that she was wrong and rude. Plus, it sounds a lot as if she wanted the OP around so she could unload on her. I have known several Roras in my time, and a lot of the time they are quite vampiric. I know I keep coming back to this point, but the fact that she emailed OP's boyfriend says it all. That is not acceptable behaviour, whatever her feelings might have been.

citadelle

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Like you, I tend to cocoon when things are hard. But, also like you, I have suffered relationship repercussions for that. People feel bad when you go from talking often to cutting off contact.

I think she probably contacted your BF because she was worried. She wasn't getting anything from you, and so did not know just how bad things might be.

As hard as it is, I think good friends are owed some kind of explanation when things prevent us from being there as we were. If I were Rora, I would wonder when you would bail on me again. It is a pattern, and she's decided she can't deal with the pattern.

AustenFan

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OP, I truly understand. I have a very demanding job and when I get overwhelmed I tend to "turtle", just stay in my shell and stick my head out when necessary.

But here's the thing: you basically gave Rora the cut direct, and she had NO idea why. She would have spend that time wondering what she did to upset you and why you wouldn't talk to her. She then would have began to emotionally accept it and move on. Then you picked up again. you guys became friends again, but when you showed signs of cutting her again she was understandably hurt.

Like another poster said, you can't just put people in cold storage, and expect them to be OK with it over & over again.

Was she right to contact your boyfriend? Probably not, because it sounds like it was done out of anger. But if we're laying blame I think you need consider how many times she was supposed to accept a cut direct style loss of her best friend without warning or reason.

I thought she explained to Rora what the issue was, and said that she was sorry but she wasn't up to staying in touch. That is nowhere near being the cut direct. And contacting the boyfriend was inexcusably rude, I am genuinely surpised that anyone thinks that was anything near acceptable. If a friend contacted my boyfriend behind my back I would drop them in a hot minute.

From talking to someone daily to barely emailing them? I'd say that's a pretty good cut (though you're right, not direct in the technical sense) that likely left friend confused and hurt.

I get the fact that everyone goes through stuff, but people aren't toys that can be put away when you're (general) done playing with them. If they are still there through you once you've weathered your personal storm, great. When they're not though, you can hardly blame them for reacting to being treated like they are disposable.

Rora has a right to feel however she feels. Feelings can't be wrong, but actions can be, and I believe that she was wrong and rude. Plus, it sounds a lot as if she wanted the OP around so she could unload on her. I have known several Roras in my time, and a lot of the time they are quite vampiric. I know I keep coming back to this point, but the fact that she emailed OP's boyfriend says it all. That is not acceptable behaviour, whatever her feelings might have been.

Where did I say Rora contacting OP's boyfriend was acceptable? It is understandable, if motivated by concern OP maybe self harming, but (to me, anyway) it doesn't sound like that was the motivation.

Neither parties behavior was acceptable, and focusing on Rora's emotional needs or reaction is a red herring when OP doesn't sound low maintenance herself. People keep pointing out the hour long daily visits, but since I assume OP was doing some of the communicating I'm not willing to blame that on solely on Rora.

Twik said it best when she stated that despite the best intentions some friendships are just not meant to be, and this situation sounds like two people unable to deal with this friendship in a healthy way and each blaming the other.

Minmom3

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I don't talk to ANYBODY, EVER, for even an hour a week, let alone multiple days of a week.  I email my friends a lot, I'm on FB a lot, but I rarely speak on the telephone with anybody but business or people caring for my mother.  I am friends with people I speak to at most once a year, and yet we pick things right up and are good.  I've known some of those people since I was 4 years old.  I'm now nearly 58.  Even my current best friend, whom I have known for nearly 20 years, I don't speak with her even once a week.  We DO email each other a ridiculous number of times per day, about trivia and serious things alike.

Anybody demanding that I make repeated contact with them in a manner I'm not comfortable with, at a contact rate I'm not comfortable with, isn't a friend I want to continue on with.  When that repeated contact is for THEM to vent or wail and moan about their life, and they won't listen to me talk/moan/female dog about my life - it's that much worse.  Real friendships have enough mutuality in them that nobody feels taken advantage of.  Real friendships understand the inevitable ebb and flow that happens when something demands ALL your attention, or incapacitates you.  Hiding because the world is too much to deal with right now is very very different from lashing out and hurting others, imo.  Refusing to understand such a situation or condition in a friend, and demanding that they continue 'ministering' to you and your issues is juvenile and immature, (again imo.) 

Not to compare people and pets, but - to do exactly that - some people have really friendly cats who never met a lap they wouldn't curl up and purr on.  Other people have cats who are very shy, who need to be left alone to come out when they're good and ready.  Both kinds of cats are good cats.  You can't force a shy cat to be brave.  You deal with them as they are.  Humans need to do that with each other too.  Not everybody can always be happy and outgoing and eager to listen to you.  If you can't handle them and accept them for being WHAT THEY ARE, then move on.  Don't lash out at them for not being what you want. 

All 'you's' are strictly generic, not aimed at any poster here.
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citadelle

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Anybody demanding that I make repeated contact with them in a manner I'm not comfortable with, at a contact rate I'm not comfortable with, isn't a friend I want to continue on with.  When that repeated contact is for THEM to vent or wail and moan about their life, and they won't listen to me talk/moan/female dog about my life - it's that much worse.  Real friendships have enough mutuality in them that nobody feels taken advantage of.  Real friendships understand the inevitable ebb and flow that happens when something demands ALL your attention, or incapacitates you.  Hiding because the world is too much to deal with right now is very very different from lashing out and hurting others, imo.  Refusing to understand such a situation or condition in a friend, and demanding that they continue 'ministering' to you and your issues is juvenile and immature, (again imo.) 

The difference is, the OP and her friend were both fine with this level of contact until the OP changed the terms (for a reason, of course)

You may not want this level of contact with friends, but the OP did. Until she didn't.