Author Topic: A friend cutting contact/ going to my BF behind my back - clarifications #2 & #7  (Read 8319 times)

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Fleur

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[quote author=Fleur link=topic=125078.msg2896190#msg2896190 While I'm sorry for your situation, I don't think it is actually all that relevant to the OP. The OP didn't ask Rora to keep checking in, rather the opposite. She made her boundaries clear, and I don't think she should need to mend fences when Rora was the one being demanding. If anything Rora owes the OP an apology for her boundary trampling.

I believe it was very clear that I was responding to the post above, which was directed at my post -- not the OP.

You and I will have to agree to disagree about whether the OP or Rora owes an apology.  I, like many posters, do see the flip side of dealing with a depressed friend.

Rora also has mental health issues, it is clear that dealing with her is no picnic. Plus, (and I feel I keep on at this, but people really don't seem to get it) she contacted the OP's new boyfriend, a man she didn't know, to talk about the OP. That is boundary hopping, and most of Rora's defenders seem to just ignore that.

Well said.  Rora clearly has her own mental health issues going on, and between the phone calls which are all about her, and the contacting the boyfriend and then making that all about her by asking if the OP was mad it her, it seems like Rora is also something of a drama llama.

She not only didn't know the boyfriend, but she never even met him at all, and had to track him down on Facebook.  To be completely honest, that would be making me extremely uncomfortable if I were in the OP's shoes, and I would completely cut contact with Rora if I were the OP just based on that alone.  It feels almost stalkerish, and I sure wouldn't like it.[/quote]

Exactly! I especially agree with the bolded. If I were the OP, I would be taking the oppurtunity to cut off contact with Rora ASAP. I think that people have been projecting their own experiences of depressed friends who have 'dropped off the radar' without taking into account the actual circumstances of the OP.

citadelle

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The circumstances of the OP also indicate that these long conversations were had willingly. The OP even used them as an example of how great the friendship was going. Therefore, I don't know how they can be construed as stalking.

Sharnita

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I think that it is clear that neither OP nor Rora have made vows to each other along the lines of "in sickness and in health..'til death do us part".  So I don't think either of them should be looked down upon for saying "As much as I care about you, I don't have the time/energy/commitment to carry on this relationship any more"

Fleur

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The circumstances of the OP also indicate that these long conversations were had willingly. The OP even used them as an example of how great the friendship was going. Therefore, I don't know how they can be construed as stalking.

The poster didn't say that the conversations were stalkerish. What is stalkerish is Rora contacting the OP's boyfriend, whom she didn't know, after tracking him down on Facebook. Honestly, I genuinely don't understand why so few people on this thread seemed to have picked up on that fact. I don't know if it is being lost or just that most people don't consider it important. If it is the latter, I am truy surprised. I don't mean that in a snarky way, it just seems to cross such a boundary that I think that it makes Rora's character fairly clear-she is someone who will go to inappropriate lenghts to grab something that she believes herself to be entitled to.

AustenFan

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Oh honestly.

If being able to Google a name and the word 'Facebook' makes someone a stalker then count me in. Seeing as they were probably already FB friends it was probably only a matter of looking at her FB page relationship status or friends list. I hardly think availing oneself of easily attained, publicly available information can be qualified as the least bit stalkerish.

Fleur

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Oh honestly.

If being able to Google a name and the word 'Facebook' makes someone a stalker then count me in. Seeing as they were probably already FB friends it was probably only a matter of looking at her FB page relationship status or friends list. I hardly think availing oneself of easily attained, publicly available information can be qualified as the least bit stalkerish.

It is still inappropriate. Just because it can be done doesn't mean it should be done. I would be angry if anyone tracked my boyfriend down in that manner. It would never occur to me to message my best friend's boyfriend in that manner, even though I am already facebook friends with him. If she didn't want to share something with me, that is between me and her. It is disrespectful of boundaries to behave otherwise.

Rusty

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What I don't get on here is why those people to dare suggest an alternate view to the "Rora is a vampire and stalker" are cried down.

The OP stated that she considers Rora to be her best friend, that they are very much alike and have shared much over the years.

If I were depressed and cut off contact with my best friend, I would not be surprised if she tried contacting me by any means available.    She also was grateful for Rora's help at certain times.

If I were Rora I would be hurt, even knowing the OP had mentioned she was having challenging times, to be suddenly wiped off the radar.

I realise depression is a debilitating condition and have some idea of it through a family member, but friends are not disposable. Now it is a different scenario if the OP has decided she no longer wants to be friends with Rora, but she has not said this.




citadelle

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What I don't get on here is why those people to dare suggest an alternate view to the "Rora is a vampire and stalker" are cried down.

The OP stated that she considers Rora to be her best friend, that they are very much alike and have shared much over the years.

If I were depressed and cut off contact with my best friend, I would not be surprised if she tried contacting me by any means available.    She also was grateful for Rora's help at certain times.

If I were Rora I would be hurt, even knowing the OP had mentioned she was having challenging times, to be suddenly wiped off the radar.

I realise depression is a debilitating condition and have some idea of it through a family member, but friends are not disposable. Now it is a different scenario if the OP has decided she no longer wants to be friends with Rora, but she has not said this.

Agreed, especially the bolded. I fully comprehend that Rora contacted the boyfriend, and even though that could be seen as an invasion, it could also be seen as a desperate move to find out if her friend was OK.

I honestly think that both parties in this friendship deserve empathy here.

yertle turtle

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I don't consider Rosa a vampire or stalker but I do think it's a big red flag that she contacted boyfriend and asked if OP was mad at her and then asked him to keep the contact secret.  I'm seeing more concern for herself than for OP here.