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Alernating Holidays

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Hey I was wondering if I am being unreasonable or not?

BG: Every year for the last 5 years we go to my mom and hubby's side of the family for Thanksgiving and a lot of running around. After the first year we told my mom we aren't spending the night since the following year we will have baby and mom doesn't have room for us to sleep comfortably but we will be there in the morning to open gifts.. She was not happy about it and made a lot of comments. Now last year she was up set because she asked us what our Thanksgiving plans were and we told her we would go out to her house then when done to hubby's she decided to move it..then Christmas eve we went to hubbys big family thing extended family and then Chrismas day to mom's..would have gone to hubby's side but they were gratious enough to move it to before then so we weren't going ...when I asked mom if we could do it another day she was upset and said she moved T-day (even tho we didnt ask her to) and his family gets their way all the time ...and she has it at we have to hurry up open gifts then rush over to mom's house.

 Hubby and I decided we are going to alternate holidays each year for when we are going out vs staying in. We let mom know about that next year we will be stay home Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day..cue her not being happy..going silent and not talking to me for a while..she asked "Well are you going over to HUBBY"S SIDE of the family big thing?" I told her no we are going no where since baby 2 will be here and we are staying home..I told her any other time during December is fine..and We will be out there for Thanksgiving...

So am I being unreasonable by alternating the day of Holiday for not going 2013 Christmas we are staying home 2014 we will be staying home Thankgiving day...Is there a polite way to head off any arguments or pa comments?


--- Quote ---So am I being unreasonable by alternating the day of Holiday for not going 2013 Christmas we are staying home 2014 we will be staying home Thankgiving day
--- End quote ---

It's your life. You only get one and you get to chose where and when you want to spend time. For some reason neither your mom nor you believe this, but this is true. This is totally up to you.

--- Quote ---...Is there a polite way to head off any arguments or pa comments?
--- End quote ---

"I'm sorry you feel that way mom, but we have already decided what we are doing for Christmas. I look foward to seeing you on XX date" If she keeps on you "I've got to go. I'll talk to you later"

Note: This is one of the few times that "I am sorry you feel that way" is appropriate. Because you have done nothing wrong and nothing to actually apologize for. She is just buying herself hurt feelings.

Also please realise that this is not about how much she LOOOOVES you. If she cared about you, she would want you to be comfortable for Christmas.

I have always travelled for Christmas with a LOT of visiting and relatives and I loved it though it was tiring. I tried it with a one year old and it simply was not fun anymore. I did travel the next two years, but have already said that we are not leaving our house for the next Christmas season when we will have a 10 month old.

1-No, of course not.

They want what they want.  You now have a baby, and will have another, right?  Traveling with small children isn't fun, and little kids deserve a chance to wake up at home on Christmas Day and be at home!  Tell Mom she's welcome to come to your house (if she is) if she wants to. Your mother isn't going to be happy about the life changes, but she IS going to have to get used to it.  Don't defend your choices, be matter of fact about it.  Be the broken record, "This is what we're doing from now on".

My MIL had an absolute COW when DIL decided that now that she had a baby, she wasn't traveling anywhere for Christmas Day.  She would come up to MIL's for the week before or the week after, or MIL was welcome to her house before, during and after, but DIL and baby were going to be home on Christmas morning.  MIL was huffy about it for a very long time, but after about 10 years, the rest of the family wasn't listening anymore, and were actively telling her to have them up before or after, as offered, or go on down, but "STOP COMPLAINING.  You didn't take the kids home to your MIL after they were born, DID YOU?!"  She got over it....

Good for you for coming up with a definite plan.  It gives you a break, since traveling on the holidays is always stressful (and I can't imagine how much harder it would be with small children).  And since you were specific about your plans, other people can plan around it!  Well done!

She may not want to have to do Christmas twice.  I can't blame her. have you thought of having her to your house for the family celebration, instead of her having to have it? It might cut down on the the complaining. 
  You can do what you want ( and should) but if she is expected to host - then she sets the date she wants and folks decline or accept as they see fit. If everyone declines for the date the hosts wants they either rethink that date or don't have the holiday and someone else can.


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