Alernating Holidays

[LilacGirl1983]

Hey I was wondering if I am being unreasonable or not?

BG: Every year for the last 5 years we go to my mom and hubby's side of the family for Thanksgiving and Christmas..so a lot of running around. After the first year we told my mom we aren't spending the night since the following year we will have baby and mom doesn't have room for us to sleep comfortably but we will be there in the morning to open gifts.. She was not happy about it and made a lot of comments. Now last year she was up set because she asked us what our Thanksgiving plans were and we told her we would go out to her house then when done to hubby's side..so she decided to move it..then Christmas eve we went to hubbys big family thing extended family and then Chrismas day to mom's..would have gone to hubby's side but they were gratious enough to move it to before then so we weren't going ...when I asked mom if we could do it another day she was upset and said she moved T-day (even tho we didnt ask her to) and his family gets their way all the time ...and she has it at 9am..so we have to hurry up open gifts then rush over to mom's house.


 Hubby and I decided we are going to alternate holidays each year for when we are going out vs staying in. We let mom know about that next year we will be stay home Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day..cue her not being happy..going silent and not talking to me for a while..she asked "Well are you going over to HUBBY"S SIDE of the family big thing?" I told her no we are going no where since baby 2 will be here and we are staying home..I told her any other time during December is fine..and We will be out there for Thanksgiving...


So am I being unreasonable by alternating the day of Holiday for not going anywhere...ie 2013 Christmas we are staying home 2014 we will be staying home Thankgiving day...Is there a polite way to head off any arguments or pa comments?

[Deetee]

So am I being unreasonable by alternating the day of Holiday for not going anywhere...ie 2013 Christmas we are staying home 2014 we will be staying home Thankgiving day

It's your life. You only get one and you get to chose where and when you want to spend time. For some reason neither your mom nor you believe this, but this is true. This is totally up to you.

...Is there a polite way to head off any arguments or pa comments?

"I'm sorry you feel that way mom, but we have already decided what we are doing for Christmas. I look foward to seeing you on XX date" If she keeps on you "I've got to go. I'll talk to you later"

Note: This is one of the few times that "I am sorry you feel that way" is appropriate. Because you have done nothing wrong and nothing to actually apologize for. She is just buying herself hurt feelings.


Also please realise that this is not about how much she LOOOOVES you. If she cared about you, she would want you to be comfortable for Christmas.

I have always travelled for Christmas with a LOT of visiting and relatives and I loved it though it was tiring. I tried it with a one year old and it simply was not fun anymore. I did travel the next two years, but have already said that we are not leaving our house for the next Christmas season when we will have a 10 month old.

[Minmom3]

1-No, of course not.
2-Nope...

They want what they want.  You now have a baby, and will have another, right?  Traveling with small children isn't fun, and little kids deserve a chance to wake up at home on Christmas Day and be at home!  Tell Mom she's welcome to come to your house (if she is) if she wants to. Your mother isn't going to be happy about the life changes, but she IS going to have to get used to it.  Don't defend your choices, be matter of fact about it.  Be the broken record, "This is what we're doing from now on".

My MIL had an absolute COW when DIL decided that now that she had a baby, she wasn't traveling anywhere for Christmas Day.  She would come up to MIL's for the week before or the week after, or MIL was welcome to her house before, during and after, but DIL and baby were going to be home on Christmas morning.  MIL was huffy about it for a very long time, but after about 10 years, the rest of the family wasn't listening anymore, and were actively telling her to have them up before or after, as offered, or go on down, but "STOP COMPLAINING.  You didn't take the kids home to your MIL after they were born, DID YOU?!"  She got over it....

[CaffeineKatie]

Good for you for coming up with a definite plan.  It gives you a break, since traveling on the holidays is always stressful (and I can't imagine how much harder it would be with small children).  And since you were specific about your plans, other people can plan around it!  Well done!

[snowdragon]

She may not want to have to do Christmas twice.  I can't blame her. have you thought of having her to your house for the family celebration, instead of her having to have it? It might cut down on the the complaining. 
  You can do what you want ( and should) but if she is expected to host - then she sets the date she wants and folks decline or accept as they see fit. If everyone declines for the date the hosts wants they either rethink that date or don't have the holiday and someone else can.

[Oh Joy]

Sounds like lots of frustration and conflict all around.  Your question is whether you can do it your way and not have others argue or comment on it.  I'm afraid not.

Is it up to you and your DH to make the right choices for your household?  Absolutely.  Could alternating holidays make sense (as my dad says, a compromise is the outcome where all parties are equally unhappy  ) for your immediate and extended family?  Certainly. 

That said, there are two ways that holiday planning can be done: others serve as host and you either accept or decline, or the family collaborates to make the best of everyone's desires and options.  Either avenue can be navigated politely as long as all parties are clear about the expectations.  I suggest choosing which is right for your family dynamics, and approaching it with a goal of joy in mind.

Best wishes.

[bopper]

Here is my favorite word.

Nevertheless.

Nevertheless, Mom, we will be at your house this year for Thanksgiving and at home for Christmas. Let me know closer to the date what side dish you would like me to bring.

[EllenS]

You have the right to make whatever decisions you feel are appropriate for your family.

You do not have the right to dictate anyone else's opinion or reaction.  It is OK for you to decide this, and it is OK for your mom not to like it. 

It is OK for your mom to say she does not like it.  It is also OK for you to not listen anymore.

What about inviting the grandparents to your house to see the kids on Christmas or Thanksgiving?  Or doing Thanksgiving with one set of grandparents, and Christmas with the other, on alternate years (this is pretty much what we do, barring pregnancy or newborn status). 

You can also stay home by yourselves, and there is a lot to be said for that, especially if your relatives stress you out.  There are a million ways to do the holidays, that work for lots of families. 

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

How did your mom handle the holidays when you were a child?  Perhaps you can jog her memory about the difficulty of pleasing everyone.

[Arrynne]

It's your life, and your family.  You need to do what you feel is right for your little family.   I'm insistent that we get to spend Christmas morning at home. It would probably be different if we lived closer to my in-laws, but getting a kid up at 0-dark-30 to drive 90 minutes to do Christmas morning at the in-laws is not my cup of tea.

[gmatoy]

Your family is young. I'm going to say to you what I wish someone had said to me:
 
Make your plans and stick to them!

My story: We moved 3000 miles from in-laws, to be away from them and to be near my family. And, yes, there is a back story.

But, when we moved here, my parents had more children living at home than we did; so we went to their house for the holidays. I carved out a special breakfast at our house for us; however,  the rest of the day was at their house. When my mother finally gave up cooking for everyone, my children were already grown and I feel like my time had almost passed me over! (I was 60 when she finally quit!)

PS I just found out last year that my mother was disappointed that none of us took over having everyone at their house!!! (About 50 people) None of us have the size of house for that! I have to admit that I was so stunned that I blurted out, "I felt like I finally got to stay home and have a low keyed day! I never considered doing that!" Total silence from my mother!

[LilacGirl1983]

Thanks ladies! My mom will not come over to our house for holidays..She wants them at her house or not at all. I don't mind going over there on any other day other then Christmas and Christmas Eve..If we have to we will just not go. I do not expect her to move the date to accommodate us. I have no problem going by ourselves on another day and just doing the exchange..The family thing on Christmas Day is just my family..my brother and SIL and mom and her boyfriend..so its not a huge thing.

[Bethalize]

Thanks ladies! My mom will not come over to our house for holidays..She wants them at her house or not at all.

That's what my mother would call cutting of your nose to spite your face. Your mother has a choice. Either she goes to your house for holidays or spends them without you. If she prefers to spend them without you then so be it. She's an adult, that's her choice. Your choice is to spend the holiday in your own home.

Good gravy! No one gets everything their own way all the time.

[Minmom3]

Thanks ladies! My mom will not come over to our house for holidays..She wants them at her house or not at all.

That's what my mother would call cutting of your nose to spite your face. Your mother has a choice. Either she goes to your house for holidays or spends them without you. If she prefers to spend them without you then so be it. She's an adult, that's her choice. Your choice is to spend the holiday in your own home.

Good gravy! No one gets everything their own way all the time.

You'd think a LOT more people would realize this than DO.   

[blarg314]

It sounds entirely normal to me.

It's pretty common for single people to go home for the holidays. Then, when they pair up they alternate vacations or parts of vacations with the two sides of the family, so each family gets 1/2 the holiday visits. 

Then they have a kid or two, and running around like a chicken with their head cut off on the holidays becomes unmanageable, so they start staying in their own home (which they've since established) for some or all of the holidays, and it's the grandparents who start travelling.

If your Mom refuses to change the way she does things, that's her problem, and she'll get over it. If she doesn't get over it, it's still her problem.