Author Topic: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?  (Read 4658 times)

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bopper

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #15 on: February 25, 2013, 10:01:10 AM »
The OP has the mind set that "it would be more efficient if we did somethings like towel laundry together."
So she sort of had an expectation that others would agree with this...and would sort of think that John would bring in all the towels since she washed all of them. 

John may have thought "I wasn't particularly planning to do my towels today, but since OP asked, okay. Now I will get my towels."  He is not thinking about anyone else because he hadn't originally considered even doing this task.

Personally I would not include him in group-chores like that anymore because it is of no benefit to the OP to do so. No mutual support.

sunnygirl

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #16 on: February 25, 2013, 10:13:10 AM »
For me it would depend if all the towels are kept together in the bathroom or whatever, or if each person keeps their own towels in their own rooms. I wouldn't go into a housemate's room uninvited to put away their laundry, I'd consider that breaching a boundary. Maybe if the housemate was a close friend, but in general it just wouldn't occur to me to put someone else's laundry away for them. But if all the towels are kept in one central cupboard, I'd think it slightly weird not to put them all away.
Unless the OP just meant bring all the towels indoors, in which case I think the housemate should have brought them all in.

Frostblooded

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #17 on: February 25, 2013, 10:21:22 AM »
You put his towels in for washing and then you hung them out to dry for him. Yes, he was rude and clueless. The least he could have done was to bring in yours for you, it was about a couple of seconds of taking them down and it wasn't even out of his way.

rose red

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #18 on: February 25, 2013, 10:23:15 AM »
Personally I would not include him in group-chores like that anymore because it is of no benefit to the OP to do so. No mutual support.

Now I'm curious if the OP benefited from the other roommate.  What happened to the other towels?  Did you or the other roommate bring the rest in?  Or did you all get your own?

Is this the first time laundry is mixed?  Because if you all are used to doing your own laundry, I would simply put this down to not-thinking rather than him being petty (I don't know if this is the first incident of this type, or one of many).

spookycatlady

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #19 on: February 25, 2013, 11:49:45 AM »
There was a laundry war between me and my husband.

If I washed the laundry, I folded the laundry.
If he washed the laundry, I folded the laundry.

I mentioned that he never seems to fold.  So he did.  All of his stuff.  Left mine in the basket, getting wrinkly.  When I mentioned that kind of bugged me, he said that since he puts the clothes in the washing machine more often than I do and it's more difficult (?!) than folding, he shouldn't have to fold at all. 

Considering most of my clothes get hung up, I finally got him to at least compromise and drape my clothes on a railing beside the washer, if he couldn't handle the thought of folding my apparel.  In exchange, I am exempted from folding his socks in perpetuity.  Ironing is every one for themself.

I found his separating of our clean laundry out to be annoying, but not rude as he was technically reducing the amount of folding that I would normally do.  It just seems so petty and exacting. Like following the letter of the arrangement, but not the spirit.  Housemate could have actually thought that he was helping my reducing the amount of stuff OP would have taken inside anyway.  Intent goes such a long way with manners, to me.


TootsNYC

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #20 on: February 25, 2013, 12:21:30 PM »
My opinion is that John was not "rude".  He went out and got his own towels off the line and saved you the trouble of doing that.

However, I do think it would have been very "kind" and "gracious" if John had brought all of the towels inside for you.  It could be that it simply didn't occur to him to do that.

[I'm male, if that is relevant to the answer.]

Saved the OP the trouble? They are his towels and the OP has no obligation to bring them in, even if she was kind enough to take them out. I doubt he did it maliciously but it does show him as pretty unthinking and self centered.

To me, it boils down to reciprocation. When you were able, you helped him out. In turn, when he could, he should have done the same. The fact that he didn't, to me, would signal that he prefers to not mutually help out. Next time, I wouldn't offer him help.

Of course, if he does help with other things, I would let it go or, depending on the relationship, say something "dude, bringing in 3 extra towels isn't a lot of extra work and we would appreciate it, just like you did when I washed them for you."

I'm just going to sit over here and by lady_disdain and nod firmly.

And sometimes, it's a good thing to speak up and say, mildly, "Hey, John, I wish you'd brought everybody's towels in when you got yours." Or, "Oh, hey, John--remember when the towels were dry on the line? Next time, would you bring in all the towels? You can put them back in the empty basket here so they stay clean."

John may have been focused and unthinking, and this would remind him of stuff like that.

We all need training--the trick, as a grownup, is how to provide that "training" to fellow adults. You're not their mother, but you are a fellow human being, and feedback is appropriate.

You don't *have* to make it a big deal. "saying something" does not have to mean "creating a stink." And if the ill-feeling is already there, maybe saying something mild would be a good thing. It would give John the chance to say, "Oh, OK, I was thinking people wouldn't want my cooties in their clean towels," or "Oh, sorry--I just wasn't thinking. Brain fart. Of course I'll bring them in."

ettiquit

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #21 on: February 25, 2013, 12:35:57 PM »
Yup, I would consider it very thoughtless.  Of course, some of this depends on the dynamics of the household, but if you're close enough to be mixing loads, bringing in your roommate's dry towels doesn't seem at all unreasonable.

CrochetFanatic

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #22 on: February 25, 2013, 12:49:23 PM »
You actually can say something without causing a stink.  If this were to happen again (combining laundry loads, I mean), and you see him going outside to get his, you could ask him if he would mind bringing in all the towels since he's going out there.  If it was simple cluelessness on his part, he might be totally fine with it.

Deetee

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #23 on: February 25, 2013, 12:56:28 PM »
It depends (to me) on whether the towels were utterly dry and if there was a reasonable place to leave them. I could readily see bringing in my own towels, realising that they could use another couple hours on the line and leaving the others to dry. Or I could see not really knowing where to leave them and just not wanting to interfer.

Basically, I can see some non lazy scenarios and it would depend on how the roomate was the rest of the time.

Yvaine

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #24 on: February 25, 2013, 12:58:59 PM »
It depends (to me) on whether the towels were utterly dry and if there was a reasonable place to leave them. I could readily see bringing in my own towels, realising that they could use another couple hours on the line and leaving the others to dry. Or I could see not really knowing where to leave them and just not wanting to interfer.

Basically, I can see some non lazy scenarios and it would depend on how the roomate was the rest of the time.

This is a good point. I've been known to use my own towels slightly damp, but wouldn't want to put someone else's away like that. Or maybe his are more threadbare so dried faster.

Oh Joy

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #25 on: February 25, 2013, 01:01:34 PM »
My vote: not enough information to judge.

I don't think I would have let it bother me unless I understood his intentions.  I could see this being a selfish act (I'll only take care of mine because I don't want to help others) a well-intentioned clueless one (so glad she did my towels, I'll grab mine from the line to save her that last step) or a considerate act (I need my towels but I'll leave the others up because they're not completely dry yet).  Or some other motivation.

In other words, I guess I agree with Deetee's new post.  ;-)

Hmmmmm

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #26 on: February 25, 2013, 01:02:38 PM »
I find it very odd the roommate did not bring in ALL the towels and say "The towels are dry, what do you want me to do with yours?"  or even as he's leaving the house "I'm going to grab my towels, you want me to bring in yours?"  And if the towels were still damp commenting "The towels are still a little damp but I needed mine. It'll probably be another hour or so before yours are done."

Honestly, his bringing in his own towels and not the rest would have had me commenting to him immediately "Hey, I think they are all dry, would you bring them all in? Just through them on that chair and we'll put ours away after we finish breakfast."

It's like the person who gets up from the dinner table and takes their plate into the kitchen but doesn't offer to clear anything else from the table after someone else prepared the meal.  It just seems ungrateful and self centered.

Softly Spoken

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #27 on: February 25, 2013, 01:05:17 PM »
I have to admit I find the dissection of chores discussed here to be highly interesting. I understand that people don't want to feel put upon or taken advantage of, but something in me is tempted to say "oh for deity's sake it's 3 flippin towels!" :P

This is really an excellent example of what happens when we apply our own assumptions, experiences and expectations to others instead of actually communicating. ::) It is also a great reminder of why it is prudent to have a chore-assignment list. :D

In this case I think OP literally brought the situation on themselves. They voluntarily went above and beyond and basically told others that, in the interest of efficiency and some amount of goodwill, they would do their laundry for them. Unless a specific distribution of labor has been discussed beforehand (i.e. if Person A washes/loads it is agreed that person B always dries/unloads/folds/hangs etc.), the logical assumption is that the pooled laundry would stay together until collected by it's owners. OP washed, OP hung up...and I believe the natural progression would be OP taking all the towels back in. I am actually surprised that some PP said OP wasn't under any obligation to bring John's towels in - why does OP's generosity end at hanging them up? OP does not indicate there was any discussion about what happens to the clothes after the wash, i.e. "You can throw your towels in with mine but then you get to hang them up/take them in."

I was under the impression that reciprocation should never be assumed if not specifically discussed or requested. I also believe that it is unbecoming to do or give something with the expectation of getting something in return - this turns random acts of kindness into premeditated acts of self-involvement. If you are going to start "keep score" because you find yourself noticing when people don't perform to your expectations, then you may consider either voicing these expectations or lowering them. :-\

John collected his own towels instead of waiting for OP to do so. Maybe he needed them sooner. Maybe he was, essentially, retaking his responsibility for his own property. From a slightly different perspective, you might say he saved OP the trouble of taking his towels in, so IMHO his collecting his own towels was not rude and might even be considered helpful.

Now as to his ignoring everyone else's towels: yes he could have gone above and beyond as OP did, but he was under no obligation to do so. I think it is rather petty to judge him by one's own standards that he might not even be aware of. To me, it does not seem in the spirit of true generosity to point out your own actions, and then essentially complain that "I was (overly) generous but look how so-and-so wasn't as generous as I was." The Little Red Hen asked for help, so I don't think you can claim the same level of indignation at John's perceived laziness. ;)

Another thing to consider (I believe PPs maye have pointed this out): Has anyone else done something they thought was helpful, like putting away someone else's things, only to be berated by the other person for "messing" with their stuff? What if John had taken everything in, only to be told something like "That's not how I fold my towels" or "I wanted to leave them on the line longer, they're too damp"?

OP you gave 110% percent, of your own free will. Barring some chore agreement you failed to mention, John was only obligated to contribute 100%, which in this case would be taking care of his own towels. Sure it would have been "nice" if he had followed your example, but he didn't have to. If it was his mutually agreed-upon "job" to take everyone's laundry off the line whenever washing is done, then you would be justified in being put out. As it is, I don't see that he did anything wrong.
"... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
-William Shakespeare

"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't."  ~Frank A. Clark

Hmmmmm

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #28 on: February 25, 2013, 01:18:45 PM »
^ But how do we not judge other's based on our own standards?

I pick my friends by their actions and I prefer to select people I see as considerate of others.  People aren't obligated to be considerate of others but I probably wouldn't go out of my way to make friends with them. 

Say your all watching a movie together and one decides to get a beverage and asks the others if they'd like him to bring one too and they except.  Then 30 min later another roommate goes into the kitchen makes a bowl of popcorn comes out and doesn't offer any to the other roommates nor does it offer to make them any.  I'd find that very odd and I would judge the person based on this behavior.  And I'd start taking notice on whether it was a pattern with the particular roommate or a one off incident.  If a pattern, it would influence my opinion of the person, my future offers of assistance, and whether I wanted to remain roommates.

oceanus

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Re: Not bringing in my washing. Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #29 on: February 25, 2013, 01:42:41 PM »
I think he's clueless and thoughtless, but not rude.