How to politely explain myself?

[menley]

Hello, E-Hellions! Longtime reader, first time poster.

I am a member of a social organization. I've missed two meetings due to a health condition. I mentioned this to one of the other members, as she sent me an e-mail after the second meeting asking if I was okay. She practices a form of alternative healing and said that this form of healing has been proven to heal my condition without drugs. She offered the first session for free due to being a member of the organization. I attended this first session and decided to do some research online as it seemed a bit... well, too good to be true.

Based on the online research, I've found that a number of things she said about the treatment were untrue (for example, she said it was FDA approved, when in reality the FDA has banned the method of treatment from the USA. This is not really relevant to us as we do not live in the USA, but the fact that they have banned it gave me pause.)  A number of investigative reports on this treatment have revealed it to be a scam.

I sent her a message saying that I did not plan to continue treatment. She has asked me to explain why.

Is it impolite to send her the research I did and what I discovered? I am concerned that, by sending it to her, she would think I was calling HER a scam artist. I don't think that she is; she seems to fully believe in this treatment, and I would hate to cause awkwardness at our social organization. However, I think it's impolite to completely ignore her question...

Thoughts?

[TurtleDove]

I would essentially sidestep the question and just say, "Thanks for you help, but I've decided to go with _____ treatment instead.  It works better for me."  And then hopefully she will stop asking you about it.  If she doesn't, just repeat that you are doing something else to treat it.

[Eden]

Because she specifically asked, I don't think it would be rude to provide her your reasoning. That said, were I in your shoes, I would provide very general reasoning to avoid her feeling the need to defend and as a result you getting sucked into a debate. "After doing more research I don't feel confident in this treatment and have decided to pursue a different route for myself. I do appreciate your offer to help, though."

[*inviteseller]

I think if you explain why truthfully (research found A, B, & C), because she is such a strong proponent of this, she will just argue back against what you have found.  I think a little white lie for the sake of peace is the way to go.  Maybe just say you don't feel it worked the way you thought it would and your Dr. (always throw them under the bus) prefers you do treatment X for your particular treatment plan.  Thank her profusely too then never discuss your issue with her again.

[Allyson]

I don't think it would be rude to provide your reasoning, but it would probably lead to an argument and be a lot of 'engagement'. Especially if all your reasoning comes from what you read online, it'll be very easy for her to just give counter-articles.

[LeveeWoman]

I'd tell her I was going with what my doctor advised. If pushed, I'd repeat it.

[cicero]

I sent her a message saying that I did not plan to continue treatment. She has asked me to explain why.

Is it impolite to send her the research I did and what I discovered? I am concerned that, by sending it to her, she would think I was calling HER a scam artist. I don't think that she is; she seems to fully believe in this treatment, and I would hate to cause awkwardness at our social organization. However, I think it's impolite to completely ignore her question...

Thoughts?

why is it impolite? and why do you think that *you* would responsible for any awkwardness? when she approached you and offered you this treatment (first session free and then...??) then *she* is the one who oepned this up for any awkwardness, IMHO...

you do not owe her any explanation. She is trying to sell you some kind of product (service, product, alternative medicine, MLM, etc) - she may believe very much in this product, but the bottom line is that she is a salesperson. she is asking you "why" because she will try and shoot down your objections.

I wouldn't explain why. I would just repeat "thank you for the information, I am not interested". and then talk about something else "so, did you see Mary's shoes? they are so beautiful!"

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[GratefulMaria]

The best tool on eHell as far as I'm concerned is the JADE acronym:  my go-to reminder that I am not required to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.

[WillyNilly]

I would be vague.  "Oh well I just decided it wasn't for me.  Thank you so much for the first session, I really appreciate your time and effort but based on that session and my own research into this therapy, I have decided to pursue another route with my care for now.  If I decide to come back to [your therapy method] I will absolutely have you in mind as a practitioner."

Then bring the conversation back to the topic of the social organization you are in and get the conversation onto that (aka beandip).  And every time she tries to talk about your illness, just do that - beandip back to the social organization topic.

[Hmmmmm]

I would be vague.  "Oh well I just decided it wasn't for me.  Thank you so much for the first session, I really appreciate your time and effort but based on that session and my own research into this therapy, I have decided to pursue another route with my care for now.  If I decide to come back to [your therapy method] I will absolutely have you in mind as a practitioner."

Then bring the conversation back to the topic of the social organization you are in and get the conversation onto that (aka beandip).  And every time she tries to talk about your illness, just do that - beandip back to the social organization topic.

This
While not rude to send the research you did it will provoke an argument as others have said.

[JenJay]

I'd tell her I was going with what my doctor advised. If pushed, I'd repeat it.

This is what I was going to say. "I consulted with my GP and have decided to continue with the conventional treatment."

[Hollanda]

I'd tell her I was going with what my doctor advised. If pushed, I'd repeat it.

I like this.

[Rosewater]

Hello, E-Hellions! Longtime reader, first time poster.

I am a member of a social organization. I've missed two meetings due to a health condition. I mentioned this to one of the other members, as she sent me an e-mail after the second meeting asking if I was okay. She practices a form of alternative healing and said that this form of healing has been proven to heal my condition without drugs. She offered the first session for free due to being a member of the organization. I attended this first session and decided to do some research online as it seemed a bit... well, too good to be true.

Based on the online research, I've found that a number of things she said about the treatment were untrue (for example, she said it was FDA approved, when in reality the FDA has banned the method of treatment from the USA. This is not really relevant to us as we do not live in the USA, but the fact that they have banned it gave me pause.)  A number of investigative reports on this treatment have revealed it to be a scam.

I sent her a message saying that I did not plan to continue treatment. She has asked me to explain why.

Is it impolite to send her the research I did and what I discovered? I am concerned that, by sending it to her, she would think I was calling HER a scam artist. I don't think that she is; she seems to fully believe in this treatment, and I would hate to cause awkwardness at our social organization. However, I think it's impolite to completely ignore her question...

Thoughts?

I don't see where it's rude to ignore an intrusive unwanted question.  This woman has basically called on you to explain yourself and you are under no requirement to do so.  I would ignore the question completely and if she persists several more times I would say "Thanks, but this is covered" and change the subject.  If she persists after that it would be "I don't care to discuss my medical issues" followed by silence, repeat over and over again as needed.

By all mean send her a copy of the research if you are interested and willing to make this an ongoing topic of conversation where you answer her questions and are forced to justify your thinking to her.

[kherbert05]

I run into this all the time.
1. I'm happy with my doctor's treatment
2. I'm happy with my doctor's treatment and don't want this to come between our friendship - please drop it.
3. I said NO (cut off as much as possible)
4. I said NO 
5. I said NO
continue forever if they back me into a corner or try to browbeat me - they will get scientific fact by scientific fact why their method is a bunch of bunk.

There is one alternative treatment that would cause a major reaction with me. For a certain type of person that makes every alarm in my body go off - I tell them flat out if they try to sneak it in my food they will be facing attempted murder charges. (1 tried it and got sent home from a youth trip and threatened with jail time, the other won't speak to me my heart is broken. The last one tried to get me evicted (long story) a cop in the complex told her to back off and that she could be arrested and the landlord told her to quit or face eviction.)


This is different from my good hearted friends and even family that hear about the newest "Cure" in the media for them I explain why I am not a good canidate for the trials and that it has not been approved. (1 - I'm to old and have been exposed to peanuts to many times (involves microscopic exposure to build up an immunity to the peanut protein there are other problems with it also). The other one actually turns off the malfunctioning white blood cells so they don't react to the protein. I work in a germ factory/school and never get sick so I don't want to chance messing with my immune system on that level without years/decades more data. I consulted with my doctor and some specialists including one involved in the trials. It wasn't a good option for me.

[Oh Joy]

I do think it is polite to give her an answer.  She may be asking simply because, for example, if it's cost or scheduling, she would like to make adjustments for you.  However, I feel she would be impolite to press you further when you tell her that you've chosen a treatment plan that doesn't include ABC healing and thank her for her care.

Best wishes.