Paying for add-ons at a birthday party.. was I rude?

[Amanita]

Personally I wouldn't feel offended if I hosted a party like this (I'm guessing build-a-bear?) and some of the guests chose to purchase a few add-ons, in addition to what I offered. Somebody buying a few accessories wouldn't "imply" that my hosting wasn't good enough, or that I had failed somehow.

What would offend me would be if the guests started demanding I pay for the extras, or if they started complaining that I was cheap for not paying for those extras.

[amylouky]

Ouch, WillyNilly. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up a hurtful memory for you. I can relate.. we were the poor kids growing up. There were 5 of us (plus parents) in a ~900 sq foot house, and there was no room for extras.. heck half the time there was no room for the essentials in the budget. I don't remember having a birthday party anywhere but in our back yard. Luckily (?) most of my friends and cousins were poor too so there wasn't a lot of jealousy going on.

I really hope that I didn't make anyone feel the way you felt at your birthday party, and I'm sorry that memory was hurtful enough to stick with you all these years.

So.. two new questions.
1- Should I apologize to the host? If so, how?
2- Do you send a thank-you card for gifts like this received at a birthday party? It seems kind of weird. Maybe a "thank you again" text or FB message?

[NyaChan]

I think it was rude.

1) it implies that your host's hospitality was insufficient
2) it takes away the equality of what everyone at the party gets - now kids whose parents either weren't there or didn't feel comfortable purchasing additional items get to watch your child get extras while they get the same old same old

Examples - If I invited your child to a hosted dinner party at a steak restaurant and you gave them a $20 so they could add lobster tails onto their dinner while everyone else is relying on me paying and doesn't get add-ons, I would think you were incredibly rude to make it clear in front of everyone that what I chose to provide wasn't good enough for you.  I was in your shoes once - a child invited me to a birthday party which would start with a shopping trip at the mall.  I was told that I didn't need to bring money, but I was worried about it since it was a new experience and my mom gave me a $20 bill just in case.  Once we got the mall and the other children realized I had extra money while they were all working with the $20 provided by the host, I did feel rude because now everyone else had less ability to purchase than I did and it caused some jealousy where the host had set things to avoid just that disparity. 

[DaDancingPsych]

Being that I have no children of my own, I have never attended a birthday party at this place. (In fact, I am confused as to what happens if the host does not pay for a stuffed animal. Would that mean that certain children would not go home with a stuffed animal? And what would be the point of a party there?) Anyways, it seems to be the expected there to include add-ons. The OP mentioned that all the other kids (including the host) got add-ons and the OP even anticipated having to purchase a stuffed animal. I think that if the norm for this party place is to add-on, then I don’t think it rude. To me that would be the culture of the party place (similar to the way the culture might be different between different cities or countries.)

But in general, I would think adding-on to be rude. One shouldn’t do extra beyond what the host is offering.

[Deetee]

So.. two new questions.
1- Should I apologize to the host? If so, how?
2- Do you send a thank-you card for gifts like this received at a birthday party? It seems kind of weird. Maybe a "thank you again" text or FB message?

No don't apologize. (I posted earlier stating that I didn't think you should have bought the extras BTW). It sounds like most of  the kids were getting the extras and that is just how things "are" so it would be kinda saying that things were done wrong.

I think a little note saying how much fun your kid had at the party (maybe with a couple photos) is always a nice thing to email.

The fact that I personally think this sounds excessive and ridiculous (an entire custom made bear for every child that is at a party-really?) doesn't change that it seemed to be completely accepted among the group you were with and that is much more important that the opinion of us random internet folks.

Also, I will freely admit that my grouchiness is partly due to having just tidied up my kids room and she has so.much.stuff. and people keep giving her more stuff. I get caught between throwing away things that people spent money and time and postage and love to give to her and having her room being an overrun mass of STUFF.

[DottyG]

One parent even paid more to get an animal that was priced at more than $XX (what the host offered).

Wow.  Now that is over-the-top rude.  Way beyond anything you did, OP.

And WillyNilly's story makes me sad.

[Fleur]

I actually disagree with the majority. I don't think it was rude at all, especially in light of the update that many others were buying add ons and extras as well. I see a party at a restaurant/shop as being much different to one at a private house. If I had been the host I would not have been offended at all.

[DottyG]

many others were buying add ons and extras as well

I'm not sure "but everyone else was doing it!" is a valid excuse.  We don't allow our children to use that phrase to get out of situations.  Why would it be different here?

[NyaChan]

Especially since originally the post says it was a few others, and now its suddenly everyone and the birthday girl too.  Personally though, I think it is more rude for the birthday girl to start a buying add-ons if the parents aren't paying for the rest of the kids too. 

[DottyG]

NyaChan, you're right.  The birthday girl definitely shouldn't have been getting extras.

[Fleur]

many others were buying add ons and extras as well

I'm not sure "but everyone else was doing it!" is a valid excuse.  We don't allow our children to use that phrase to get out of situations.  Why would it be different here?

Rudeness is largely a matter of breaking social contract. If the OP had been the only one to buy extras, that might have been rude though I'm not even sure about that. I certainly wouldn't be offended as the host. But I expect a lot of people did not realise that the hosts were paying for the bears. IDK, it just seems to me to be making a big deal out of nothing. I think for something to be rude, there has to be either malice or epic cluelessness. This situation could be described as awkward at worst. And to be honest, I don't think it was even that.

[Fleur]

Especially since originally the post says it was a few others, and now its suddenly everyone and the birthday girl too.  Personally though, I think it is more rude for the birthday girl to start a buying add-ons if the parents aren't paying for the rest of the kids too.

Well in that case, how could the OP possibly have been rude I admit I am now confused by how this is a bad etiquette issue at all. It seems like it was, 'everyone gets a bear' with add ons to be determined by the individual parents. Nothing remotely rude about that.

[Shoo]

I think the fact that the host, herself, bought add-ons for her own child indicates that it was okay to do likewise.

[Fleur]

I think the fact that the host, herself, bought add-ons for her own child indicates that it was okay to do likewise.

Yes, exactly.

[ettiquit]

I actually disagree with the majority. I don't think it was rude at all, especially in light of the update that many others were buying add ons and extras as well. I see a party at a restaurant/shop as being much different to one at a private house. If I had been the host I would not have been offended at all.

Yeah, I'm trying to put myself in the host's position and I just can't see me caring one way or the other if parent's bought add-ons.  In fact, it sounds like the host provided the most basic package and it wouldn't surprise me if she/he expected that parents would be upgrading.