Author Topic: Would this be rude?  (Read 2590 times)

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beezelbear

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Would this be rude?
« on: February 26, 2013, 11:03:59 AM »
A little background - I belonged to a mom's group for a number of years until my daughter aged out (this group is for mothers of  pre-kindergarden aged kids).  As I and other moms began moving out of the group we formed a facebook group to keep in touch and organize events for the older kids.  A few women who weren't part of the original group have been added as our kids started kindergarten and made new friends.  One of these women who recently joined has a huge problem with me and my employment.   I am a researcher and as part of my work I do some animal research.  She is an avid animal rights activist and since finding out about my work has made repeated snide comments to and about me (for example when another mom posted a picture of her kids with their new puppy and I posted "how adorable" in response, she also responded with "Better keep puppy away from Beezel - she may decide she needs to torture him in order to find the answer to all mankind's ills").   I have been ignoring her, because I don't see anything to be gained by engaging her. 

For the past few years I have hosted an Easter egg hunt for the group at our home.  We live in the country on 10+ acres, and it's easy to set aside an area for the very young kids to hunt, then let the older ones go wild on the rest of the property.  It's a popular event with the group, and several people have already asked me about it.  The problem is I do not want that woman at my house, and I have reason to believe she would show up.  I had thought about cancelling, but I enjoy doing it, my DD loves it, and others in the group look forward to it.  So my options are to contact people directly to invite them and asking them not to talk about it on the FB group or with others who aren't invited,  or to invite the group and message the woman directly letting her know she is not invited and will be asked to leave if she shows up.  Both options seem rude to me, but I hate to cancel the hunt.

MrTango

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2013, 11:08:27 AM »
If you block her on FB (I would have already done so), you can post about the party and she shouldn't be able to see it at all.

citadelle

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2013, 11:08:44 AM »
I would not cancel the event. You enjoy it, and should be able to do so. If you do message the woman directly, perhaps you could tell her that you do not expect her to come, given her objections to your career. You could say something like, "I won't put you in the position of having to decline due to your beliefs."

WillyNilly

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2013, 11:11:26 AM »
I say you straight up block that woman on FB - not "hide" or defriend, straight out block her.  And then she won't be able to see the event you created at all. And I would also let a few of your closer friends within the group know she is not welcome at your home.

Its one thing to not be nuts about someone's job, but she is outright hostile and taunting about it. And actions have consequences.

Melle

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2013, 11:13:28 AM »
Is your daughter friends with this woman's kid?

Jeremy

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2013, 11:24:25 AM »
What an absolutely charming woman.  I agree with blocking her on Facebook, then you can still have the event you enjoy without her finding out about it.

Zilla

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2013, 11:27:42 AM »
I agree with others block her.  You can do an invite only event on facebook and invite all you want to invite.  Only the invited will be able to view the list.


If the lady shows up, firmly explain that based on her comments to your line of work, she isn't welcome and ask her to leave.  This isn't rude.

rose red

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2013, 11:37:00 AM »
I'm not on facebook, but what's a facebook group?  Is it a members only account and can't all members see everything posted? ???

Even if the OP send individual invitations, I would assume the entire group is invited just like the past.  She should somehow inform them not to talk about it in the group.  Is there polite way to get that across?

Zilla

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #8 on: February 26, 2013, 11:39:16 AM »
I'm not on facebook, but what's a facebook group?  Is it a members only account and can't all members see everything posted? ???

Even if the OP send individual invitations, I would assume the entire group is invited just like the past.  She should somehow inform them not to talk about it in the group.  Is there polite way to get that across?


If you ever received an evite from www.evite.com, it's the same thing on facebook.  You create a "group" that is similar to a forum here but only with people you select from a list.  Only those people on the list will be able to get into the group/forum and anyone not invited wouldn't be able to see it or know of it's existence.

rose red

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2013, 11:55:03 AM »
I'm not on facebook, but what's a facebook group?  Is it a members only account and can't all members see everything posted? ???

Even if the OP send individual invitations, I would assume the entire group is invited just like the past.  She should somehow inform them not to talk about it in the group.  Is there polite way to get that across?


If you ever received an evite from www.evite.com, it's the same thing on facebook.  You create a "group" that is similar to a forum here but only with people you select from a list.  Only those people on the list will be able to get into the group/forum and anyone not invited wouldn't be able to see it or know of it's existence.

So, since the OP is a member of this "mom's facebook" group, she can pick names out of the group and sent a private sub-group invitation?  And those invited can see the names of those invited and those who are not?

If so, that may be the best way to go, but I wonder if the OP should still give a warning to not mention it in the main forum.  Since it sounds like only one person is not welcome, it may slip because it's natural to talk about a kid's party with, well, a mom's group.

WillyNilly

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2013, 11:59:50 AM »
I'm not on facebook, but what's a facebook group?  Is it a members only account and can't all members see everything posted? ???

Even if the OP send individual invitations, I would assume the entire group is invited just like the past.  She should somehow inform them not to talk about it in the group.  Is there polite way to get that across?


If you ever received an evite from www.evite.com, it's the same thing on facebook.  You create a "group" that is similar to a forum here but only with people you select from a list.  Only those people on the list will be able to get into the group/forum and anyone not invited wouldn't be able to see it or know of it's existence.

A FB group is like an online club.  Sometimes they are private/restricted sometimes they are open.  They have their own page.  In order to post on the page, and in the case of a restricted club, even see the majority of the posts on the page, one needs to join the group.

An event however is a separate page click away.  Generally in a group one can create the event from the group page (there are setting that don't allow that, but regardless) or a person can create the event from their personal FB page, and just invite the group. Much like a real club - you could go to softball practice and invite the team to your BBQ while you are there, or you could send invites from home to each of the softball team members.

If our OP does the latter - creates the event from her personal page and them invites the group, if she has blocked the offending mom, she won't get it, even though she's in the group.  That's because "blocking" on FB is the most severe of direct cuts - it makes the blocked person cease to exist in your FB universe.  You cannot see them, they cannot see you, they can't see comments you made (so they might sometimes see awkward looking conversation threads because your comments aren't there so it looks like the other person is talking to no one), you two just don't exist for one another anymore, and as such even inviting a group the blocked person is in, would not result in the blocked person getting invited because the invite came from the personal page.

Calistoga

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #11 on: February 26, 2013, 12:16:40 PM »
I'm curious- How does the rest of the mom's group feel about her? Is it just you and her that butt heads, or is she this delightful with everyone?

If everyone else thinks she's great, then I'd suggest you block her and invite people to your own event.

If everyone else finds her to be as charming as a dead bird, perhaps you could look in to removing her from the group due to bad behavior.

doodlemor

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2013, 01:12:48 PM »
I would not cancel the event. You enjoy it, and should be able to do so. If you do message the woman directly, perhaps you could tell her that you do not expect her to come, given her objections to your career. You could say something like, "I won't put you in the position of having to decline due to your beliefs."

Is Judith Martin reading us for advice?  This sounds exactly like something that Miss Manners would say.

If you do contact her directly, or if she calls you to inquire about the egg hunt, I think that this would work well.  She has been very plain spoken and directive with you, and this has set the tone of the relation*ship.

If you have any inkling that she plans to come without an invitation, I think that you need to contact her.  You probably plan very carefully to have sufficient eggs and refreshments for this event.

ettiquit

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #13 on: February 26, 2013, 01:23:46 PM »
Wow, that's really awful. 

Definitely block her.  I'd also be curious about what the other moms think of her.

m2kbug

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Re: Would this be rude?
« Reply #14 on: February 26, 2013, 01:26:58 PM »
If so, that may be the best way to go, but I wonder if the OP should still give a warning to not mention it in the main forum.  Since it sounds like only one person is not welcome, it may slip because it's natural to talk about a kid's party with, well, a mom's group.

I was wondering the same thing.  Though assuming the OP isn't as close to some of the moms in the group as others, it might not be a very wise decision.  Pass the word to better friends in the group and allow word of mouth to work it's magic, perhaps.  I think I would opt for verbal invitations first, so you can explain your dilemma, and then you add the event as a reminder on FB. 

There's a huge possibility she's going to find out about it.  If she has a problem with you and she didn't receive an invitation, that's a pretty big clue she's not invited, and hopefully won't show up.  Be prepared to tell her, though, that she is not welcome.  Citadelle  had a good phrase for that. 

Is there a reason you haven't blocked her already?  If there's nothing keeping you FB friends, a full block sounds good to me.  It will certainly eliminate some of the issues around her seeing the invitation.

I am also wondering how her interactions are with other moms.