Family tension regarding health matter

[amylouky]

You know, if my brother used the phrasing DH did to tell me SIL was undergoing something I would wonder "Is it cancer? If so what is the prognosis? How long will her recovery be? How are they doing with the no kids thing? Did bro tell me like that because it is too diffocult to discuss? How can I be supportive without being intrusive?"

Asking a parent actually does make sense to me.

Me too. I was in a very similar situation several years ago, only it was cancer. I know a LOT of people called my sister to ask for updates, etc. because they were concerned but didn't want to bother me and were afraid that talking about it would upset me. I even jokingly dubbed her my PR rep.

I think your BIL contacted MIL out of concern, not for gossip.. for whatever reason he didn't feel comfortable talking to you or BIL about it. I can see why you'd be annoyed given the relationship but I do think he had good intentions.

[Outdoor Girl]

I think your BIL contacted MIL out of concern, not for gossip.. for whatever reason he didn't feel comfortable talking to you or BIL about it. I can see why you'd be annoyed given the relationship but I do think he had good intentions.

I'd buy that - except for this part of the OP:

Husband also called him today (first chance this week) to discuss it and say listen please come to us in future.  BIL apparently ranted for 20 mins that we're overreacting, he didn't do anything wrong and it's not a big deal.

If he was really concerned, he wouldn't rant at someone for 20 minutes.

OP, although I do think you might have overreacted a bit initially, BIL's actions have borne out that he is a bacon fed knave and I wouldn't bother trying to keep him informed in the future.  Your MIL sounds like a peach, though.  Maybe keep her informed and let her know that she is free to pass information on to BIL.  It would keep you from having to keep him informed and then having him rant at your DH for 20 minutes.   

[cass2591]

People react strangely when they get surprising news sometimes.  It really sounds like you would read ill will or lack of concerns into BIL's reaction unless it was one of a few scripted possibilities.  Just because no one else thought cancer doesn't mean it's an inappropriate assumption.  If he truly did not care, why ask your MIL what was going on?

Yeah, I don't understand that conclusion either.  And I have to admit that if I was contacted twice and called out for asking about my SIL I would probably get defensive as well.

But I didn't call him out, I sent a text mentioning I'd rather he came to us if he had any questions on it, after all we have all the information.  My husband was asked by BIL to call him, which he did, he didn't contact him to call him out either.

I think that comes off as calling him off, especially if the relationship was not great to begin with.

Which bit, phoning him like he asked or texting him?  If it's the texting, I really don't see what else I could have done here.  He upset me and I told him this; I don't want to bottle up my upset or pretend I'm not upset.

Anyway, I think I'm done with this thread, I appreciate everyone's help and advice but there's a bit more nit-picking and constant "you were wrong" than I feel emotionally able to deal with at the moment.

Lesson learned, I hope. In the future, don't ask for opinions if you're not prepared to hear what you don't want to hear. Good luck with your health issues and thread locked since OP is done with the thread.