Author Topic: Bringing a 1 year old where?!  (Read 16165 times)

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WillyNilly

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #30 on: February 27, 2013, 05:45:09 PM »
Here's the thing: your FIL only knows about your plans because you told him about your plans.  Presumably as a conversation topic.  And he, as an adult, is absolutely allowed to participate in conversations that are brought up to him.  You do not get to just monolog at him and expect him to nod and agree to everything.  You just don't, that not how humanity and conversation work.

You don't have to like his opinions, or agree to his ideas, but if you bring up a topic, he is actually allowed to have an opposing idea, and he's allowed to carry on the conversation mentioning his ideas.  You can then change the topic if you want, but its really quite unreasonable to expect him to never voice disagreement or a counter idea when you bring something up.  Especially not something as extravagant as a 2 week vacation!

So if you and your FIL don't agree on this trip, don't discuss it with him, or anything related to the trip with him (so no lamenting over not being able to afford other things because all your money is going towards the trip, for example). And if he brings it up again, beandip or if he presses simply say "its really not up for discussion" and then beandip.

But don't think you get to just go around talking about this trip to your FIL but that he's not allowed to have an opinion, because that's unreasonable.

She mentioned that she didn't bring it up to her FIL, her DH did and that her FIL has brought it up to *her* since then, so your advice doesn't really fit. I would suggest changing the subject though.

She posted at the same time.  I did edit my post to reflect that.
But my advice still stands - the topic was brought up to the grandparents, OP's DH told them about it.  So the grandparents are allowed to comment on it. Thats how communication works: person A says Thing X to persons B & C.  B &C then respond. Often the topic will be revisited and further comments will be made.

I mean if they mentioned they were sending their child to school, would the grandparents not get to respond a few days later, or bring up the topic ever again?  Of course they would, its an on-going topic.  A 2 week vacation 18 months from now is generally presented as an on-going conversation topic, not a one off mention like "orange juice is on sale this week".

sammycat

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #31 on: February 27, 2013, 05:46:01 PM »
We do not get any money from them. They don't provide child care on a regular basis..usually its when they want to take our 6 year old..but they do watch her occasionally for doctor appointments if they can't we just bring her with. If we relied on them I could see that but we don't we are self sufficient and our finances are none of their business..I didn't mention it to the GIL my husband did..I just had to deal with the fall out. The trip will be in 2014..so Not this October but the following one. We have been saving up and paying off things as we need..its been tough but we started saving almost a year ago for 3 years in advance and cut back most of the extra spending..The baby is due June 2013..I hope this helps.

Then neither the grandparents nor anyone else have any 'right' to tell you what do - whether it's how you spend your money or the ages your kids visit Disney.  Sure, the 1 year old may not remember any of it, but the 6 year old will, and isn't s/he entitled to any fun/memories?  Does s/he have to wait till their younger sibling is old enough to enjoy things before they're allowed to do something fun?  If that's the way the grandparents are thinking then they're out of their minds.

We took older DS on holiday to the US from Australia wen he was 17-18 months olds, and yes, it included it a trip to Disneyland, as I LOVE the place. Does he remember it? No.  But DH and I can still remember the fun we had taking him (not just to Disneyland but to all the other cities on that trip), and the memories will stay with us forever (of DS being terrified of the characters; didn't quite fit into my preconceived fantasies, but it makes for a funny story, and we were able to chuckle at the contrast on a later visit when he was older   :D).

Ignore the grandparents, and anyone else who may make snide remarks about the trip, and have a  great time!  :D

Auntie Mame

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #32 on: February 27, 2013, 05:57:48 PM »
I can kind of see your FIL's point.  The youngest is 1 and you're due in early June.  Neither one of you will be able to ride any rides.  It seem that the only your DH and the 6 year old are going to get much fun out of the trip.

So what?  Their money = their choice = their business. 
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EllenS

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #33 on: February 27, 2013, 06:29:44 PM »
grandparents found out and pretty much said I was crazy and we should focus on getting a house and wait a couple more years to go to Disney...Hubby told grandpa the baby will be 1 and he had an issue with that. He came over and pretty much tried to convince me to wait. I got all the reasons we shouldn't do it and why It was crazy/silly...

Several pp's point out that your inlaws have no right to tell you what to do, or control you.  However, I assume these are people you value and whom you would like to continue having a good relationship with.  The way you worded your initial post, it sounded less like giving orders, and more like giving advice.  Depending on your relationship, it might or might not be appropriate for your in-laws to try to give you advice.  You are certainly under no obligation to take it. 

I have known situations where someone who had always been a trusted advisor, or had repeatedly listened to someone's woes and difficulties, tried to offer reasonable advice and was villified as being "controlling" because they did not say what the advice-asker wanted to hear.  That is more a relational issue than an etiquette one. 

However, to call you "crazy" or "silly" is both rude, and very poor tactics if his intention was to win you over to his point of view.  Ultimately you need not respond or explain in any way.  You need not recite the same answer over and over - if you are going to do that, you might as well just ask him to leave, or walk away yourself (depending on where you are).  You have already declared the conversation over and there's no need to be annoying just to try to prove a point.

Your inlaws may opinionated, but your father in law's opinion was neither off-the-wall nor destructive - it sounds like he is trying to look out for your interests, even if he is pushy.  If this is an isolated incident, I don't think it warrants blowing up the relationship or freezing them out.  If you want to reassure him that you are planning this carefully and are managing your finances, that might be a good step in your relationship.  However, you can also just declare the subject closed, "agree to disagree" and not talk about it anymore.

TootsNYC

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #34 on: February 27, 2013, 06:41:00 PM »
I agree with WillyNilly about how conversations work. 

But I do think that Grandpa broke the "rules" when he pursued the topic of conversation too long and when he made his displeasure too firmly known. At that point it's not "conversation" anymore; it's haranguing.

And it's too bad to have discovered that you can't share conversations about this exciting trip with them because Grandpa can't keep his opinions from becoming intrusive.

That might be the thing to say: "When you keep on this topic, it makes us very hesitant to share anything with you. That's too bad. I wish you'd drop it."

And I agree to a large degree with ElllenS.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #35 on: February 27, 2013, 06:44:22 PM »
We went to Disneyworld when my oldest was just under 3 (I think it was about a month or two before her birthday) and my second was 1.  Honestly, I found a 1-year-old at Disneyworld to be somewhat awful.  She wasn't old enough to enjoy any of the rides or really do any activities, but she was old enough not to be easily able to nap while we walked around and to be *heavy*.  She wouldn't really sleep in her stroller, only in her baby carrier, which was hot and heavy.  It was perfect for my older daughter, though.  She was just at the age to adore princesses, and yet still young enough to be free.  My husband was free due to a military promotion, too, so we only had to pay for me.  We were in Alabama, so it was a short-ish trip (versus from New England) and we could drive instead off fly.  So even though it was less than fun with the 1-year-old, I was overall glad we went.  And with a 6-year-old?  I'd definitely want to go now, not wait until the oldest is too old to really enjoy the enchantment, if it's possible.  Maybe you'll be able to go again with the 1-year-old someday when he's 6 or so.  He'll enjoy the enchantment and the oldest will be able to enjoy the wild rides.  And furthermore, it *is* your decision, either way.  I think it's okay for the grandparents to point out the possible issues, but I think they need to respect you when you say that you've decided to go and you've taken these issues into account but you still think it's worth going.  After that, just become a broken record with a phrase that cuts the conversation off.  Or bean dip.

bah12

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #36 on: February 27, 2013, 07:18:52 PM »
I don't think that the OP should have to refrain from telling her IL's what the family vacation plans are to avoid being told what decisions her family should make.  Other adults tell me things all the time...about vacations, child decisions, etc, that I might not necessarily think is the greatest idea, but that doesn't make it appropriate for me to insert my opinion.  In other words, the OP isn't at "fault" for unsolicited advice because she happened to mention that she's going to Disney World.  Why should that be a secret, and why does that revelation mean the IL's have any say in what they do?

Practically speaking, taking a 1 year old to Disney is just fine.  The 1 year old gets in free, can still ride some of the rides, and will have a lot of fun just seeing the colors, characters and hearing music.  Travel expenses for a 1 year old are also minimal additional cost (in comparison to arranging alternate childcare), they are easy to push around in a stroller, and I don't understand why the 6 year old should have to wait until all her siblings are conisidered "old enough" to enjoy it before she can go. 

As for your FIL, I don't necessarily think he has a horrible point  when he suggests that maybe the money could be spend somewhere else immediately...and I think there are even ways to make the suggestion that aren't basically telling you what to do with your time.  And while I don't know exactly how he broached the subject with you, the point is, you don't want his advice and aren't planning on following it.  So, what you say is something like "I can understand where you are coming from, but this vacation is a decision we have made as a family.  We have no problem with taking this trip now and know that all four of us will have a wonderful time and great memories."  He shouldn't be bringing this up again.  And if he continues to badger you about it, then he's wrong.  Not you.

bah12

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #37 on: February 27, 2013, 07:47:38 PM »
Here's the thing: your FIL only knows about your plans because you told him about your plans.  Presumably as a conversation topic.  And he, as an adult, is absolutely allowed to participate in conversations that are brought up to him.  You do not get to just monolog at him and expect him to nod and agree to everything.  You just don't, that not how humanity and conversation work.

You don't have to like his opinions, or agree to his ideas, but if you bring up a topic, he is actually allowed to have an opposing idea, and he's allowed to carry on the conversation mentioning his ideas.  You can then change the topic if you want, but its really quite unreasonable to expect him to never voice disagreement or a counter idea when you bring something up.  Especially not something as extravagant as a 2 week vacation!

So if you and your FIL don't agree on this trip, don't discuss it with him, or anything related to the trip with him (so no lamenting over not being able to afford other things because all your money is going towards the trip, for example). And if he brings it up again, beandip or if he presses simply say "its really not up for discussion" and then beandip.

But don't think you get to just go around talking about this trip to your FIL but that he's not allowed to have an opinion, because that's unreasonable.

She mentioned that she didn't bring it up to her FIL, her DH did and that her FIL has brought it up to *her* since then, so your advice doesn't really fit. I would suggest changing the subject though.

She posted at the same time.  I did edit my post to reflect that.
But my advice still stands - the topic was brought up to the grandparents, OP's DH told them about it.  So the grandparents are allowed to comment on it. Thats how communication works: person A says Thing X to persons B & C.  B &C then respond. Often the topic will be revisited and further comments will be made.

I mean if they mentioned they were sending their child to school, would the grandparents not get to respond a few days later, or bring up the topic ever again?  Of course they would, its an on-going topic.  A 2 week vacation 18 months from now is generally presented as an on-going conversation topic, not a one off mention like "orange juice is on sale this week".

But an "ongoing conversation" still doesn't make it appropriate for the IL's to suggest how the OP and her DH choose to spend their money or their family time.  And the fact that FIL went to the OP after the DH told him about the vacation to tell her what to do, is just...well, not right.  My sister has six kids in a one income family.  They take family vacations all the time that I often wonder how they can afford, but her telling me about them, or me knowing about them, doesn't mean that I can pry into her finances and make suggestions or even suggest that the younger kids wouldn't enjoy a family vacation (By FIL's logic, the poor 16 year old still wouldn't be able to go to Disney with the family as he's had younger siblings under two for pretty much his whole life). 
It's one thing if the OP and her DH are constantly complaining about not being able to afford a house, or if they were dependant on the IL's for money, etc...but they aren't.  So, the FIL suggesting that they put the money towards a house instead is overstepping. 

And while I do think there are ways for him to share his opinion that aren't rude or overstepping, going to the OP in the aftermath of a conversation he had with her DH is not one of them. 

Sharnita

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #38 on: February 27, 2013, 07:57:42 PM »
yeah, various people might inform me of vacations and purchases that seem like a waste to me.  I am sure some have felt the same about some of mine over the years. It isn'tmy job to critique the decision. If I can't give it ringing endorsements I should probably limit it to "Oh, that sounds interesting"

m2kbug

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #39 on: February 27, 2013, 08:06:30 PM »
Hey ladies another question..for those who want to know the ettiquete question right away its : How do I politely and firmly tell the grandparents in law that its our decision to bring our child to where we want to bring them? And no we aren't going to delay it.

BG: We are going to take our daughter who will be 6 and our son who will be just turning 1 to Orlando Florida for a 2 week vacation...well grandparents found out and pretty much said I was crazy and we should focus on getting a house and wait a couple more years to go to Disney...Hubby told grandpa the baby will be 1 and he had an issue with that. He came over and pretty much tried to convince me to wait. I got all the reasons we shouldn't do it and why It was crazy/silly...

Honestly, I don't see the purpose of taking a 1-year-old to Disney.  They won't remember any of it and probably can't participate in most of the rides.  Your 6-year-old is the perfect age and will have a blast.  With such an age gap, there's not much you can do on the timing.  You could wait one or two years, but the little one will still be very little.  I, personally, would wait until the youngest was older, but this is your money and your plan, and I really don't have much say in the matter....and neither does your father-in-law.  I don't know what I would say, but I think I would just say this is what we are planning and change the subject.  "Well, we're going.  I heard you got two inches of snow."  With my mom or dad, I can be more blunt, but notsomuch with the in-laws.  I think I would just be vague and avoid the subject all together as much as possible. 

It seems like you're catering to the older child and the magic of Disney anyway, and hopefully you can do another trip when your youngest child is older.  If your FIL thinks you're nuts, that's all him.  Just continue as normal and avoid the unsolicited advice as best as possible.  You need to keep in mind in YOUR head that you are in the right and this is YOUR decision.  If these were his children, he might make different choices.  Your choices are not wrong, just different.  He made his choices while raising his children, now it's your turn. 

sparksals

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #40 on: February 27, 2013, 09:37:35 PM »
Well, to be honest, I can kind of see their point.  A one year old will not enjoy DisneyWorld.  We live an hour from there and we've decided to wait to spend the money on visiting a park when DS turns 3. 

It costs about $5,000 to spend 2 weeks at Disney and I can see why they'd try to encourage you to wait until your son can really enjoy it and have memories of it.   Of course it's your money and you have final say.

Since when is it their business?  This is not their place at all.  The advice is obviously unwelcome to rhe OP.


EllenS

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #41 on: February 27, 2013, 09:48:28 PM »
I think we have to make a distinction between close family relationships and strangers.  Obviously, it is never OK for strangers or acquaintances to offer opinions on our lives.

In a close and warm family there is leeway for people to "speak into" each other's lives -this is part of relational intimacy.  However, that kind of intimacy has to be earned with trust and respect.  In my own family, I call my FIL "dad" just like my DH does, and if he was concerned that we were doing something foolish, he would probably go to DH, but he might also come to me.  Even if I disagreed with him, I would not think he was out of line for broaching the subject.

It's just hard to make blanket statements without knowing the people involved.  Obviously the conversation was annoying to the OP, but that does not mean that the father in law was necessarily doing wrong by talking about it.  It just depends on the relationship.

However, as I said before, calling people "silly" or "crazy" is definitely rude, and there may indeed be a lack of respect/trust going on.  That's a different situation.

GrammarNerd

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #42 on: February 27, 2013, 10:13:55 PM »
The first thing that occurred to me was that FIL is against it so much b/c maybe FIL/MIL have it in the back of their minds that THEY want to take your kids to Disney somewhere down the line, so they don't want you to do it.  I mean, how many times do you hear about GPs that take their GKids on a big Disney trip? (Well, I've heard of a bunch.)  And another poster brought up the previous post of yours about them taking your DD away for a week, so given that, it doesn't seem like it could totally be out of the realm of possibility.

I could be way off base, but given the other situation, I just wanted to throw this out there.

lakey

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #43 on: February 27, 2013, 10:24:38 PM »
Just politely say, we'll think about your concerns, then make your own choice. Regarding his comment about getting a house first, I'm assuming that is related to finances. Unless you borrow money from your in-laws, your finances are your business.

Do think carefully about what DisneyWorld is like. If you've been there you already know, and you know whether you can handle it with a 1 year old. If you haven't been there, the crowds are horrendous, and you can easily spend an hour in one line, sometimes more. Only you can judge whether this is doable for you.

GrammarNerd

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #44 on: February 27, 2013, 10:45:14 PM »
Do think carefully about what DisneyWorld is like. If you've been there you already know, and you know whether you can handle it with a 1 year old. If you haven't been there, the crowds are horrendous, and you can easily spend an hour in one line, sometimes more. Only you can judge whether this is doable for you.

Since you'll have that funky school schedule for your DD, you'll have some several-week breaks in what would be the middle of the school year for everyone else, right?  If so, THAT would be the time to go.  We went at the end of October/beginning of November, and the weather is decent and the lines are quite short.  Most things were under 15 minutes.  Sometimes, with the really popular rides in the middle of the day, you had to wait for an hour, but then you just go find something else and generally the line would be shorter at a different point in the day.