Author Topic: Bringing a 1 year old where?!  (Read 13985 times)

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Cami

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #60 on: February 28, 2013, 10:01:16 AM »
I think it's best to not have any conversations with close family members about money. Those dynamics practically guarantee unwelcome comments.

As far as the wisdom of bringing a 1 year old to Disney, well, people are always going to have opinions on your parenting decisions. It's bothersome, but in our culture parenthood unfortunately means your decisions and actions will generate unwelcome opinions from day one (or prior, when you're pregnant).  When we took our teen dd to Europe, plenty of people told us we were wasting our money. I just looked at them and said, 'Our money, our choice.' After I'd say it twice, people got the message.
« Last Edit: February 28, 2013, 10:07:28 AM by Cami »

WillyNilly

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #61 on: February 28, 2013, 10:20:31 AM »
I think its important to remember this apparently happened once (at least the OP doesn't say its a sore topic spanning multiple conversations).  Its not like the FIL is harping on the topic.  He brought it up. Once.

And he didn't call the OP "crazy" or "silly" he called the plan crazy and silly. He wasn't calling anyone names.

I really think that is a reasonable one time reaction by parents to have over hearing of an extravagant plan their adult kid (and spouse and grandchildren) plan to embark on.  Parents don't stop being parents just because their children grow up - the man wants them to save to a for a house, hardly a nasty or outrageous suggestion on his part, or inappropriate for him to bring up once.

Calling a plan "crazy" and "silly" is still rude.  And hardly productive at that. What did FIL think the reaction would be to him using the terms crazy and silly?  Insults aren't a good way to persuade people to see your point and they put people on the defensive.  So I'd say he was rude and not interested in offering helpful criticism. 

Not that I think there's anything to criticize.  I mean, where is this idea that Disneyland is universally "extravagant" to begin with? We all know that everyone has different priorities when it comes to how they budget their money.  We all know everyone has different finances and disposable income.  Just because something might be extravagant to you, doesn't mean it suddenly becomes an extravagance to everyone in the world.

I don't think a trip to Disney needs to be extravagant.  But I think a 2 week vacation, that involves hotels and airfare and meals out is.

And to add to that, after reading a previous response I went ahead and looked for some other posts by this OP.  And found their Disney thread in the travel folder.  They plan to spend $10,000 on this vacation.

A $500 weekend away? A one week $1k vacay?  I'd totally think that reasonable and normal and part of de-stressing from life, etc.  But $10k?  That is a down payment on a house.  Aw heck, in some places that buys you a house!

Honestly if her IL's didn't say anything about their plan, I'd think that they were hateful and awful. I think that that the parents have concerns is natural, and to be expected - this is a truly abnormal (not wrong per say) and concerning plan. Should OP still do it?  That is her call, yes of course - her and her DH's money, their life, their kids, their priorities, their choice.  But its common sense the plan is going to cause some sort of reaction to those around them especially those who have been listening to tales of woe regarding financial situations!

bah12

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #62 on: February 28, 2013, 11:08:24 AM »
I think throwing in your own opinion about whether or not the OP is making an "extravagant" plan by taking her kids to Disney is completely inappropriate.  It's Disney...it can be expensive, but depending on your priorities, what you value as far as family time/money, and how the OP is choosing to budget, it doesn't mean that she's blowing money.

And in either case, this is her business.  Not her FIL's and most certainly not anyone's on this board.  And I happen to think that the FIL could have a point, but like I said, there are ways to make it that aren't rude:

"DIL, you've mentioned several times how you would like to save money to buy a house.  Have you considered holding off on this trip for a few years and saving the money for a down payment on the house?  You can have the house now, and baby may even enjoy it more down the line.  Perhaps you can take your 6 year old to a local park this year so that she can still have some with you guys without you having to make this big trip to Disney."  And this really only if he's talking to her about it directly to begin with.  To hear the news from his son and then go talk to her after the fact is still overstepping, IMO.

and then there's

"Disney?  Really?  Your baby is only 1.  He won't remember it or enjoy it.  The plan is silly and crazy and you should be putting that money towards a house instead."

Having a point is not really the issue.  The OP's financial situation is also not the issue (since she doesn't use your in-laws for support).  The issue is why is it anyone's business what family decisions she makes?  Telling them about them does not give them a ticket to interfere.  They obviously don't have the type of relationship where this kind of advice is welcome.  And to me, the crux of the issue is that it  doesn't appear that the FIL approached this in a concerned way at all, but instead a critical and accusatory and even mean way.  Rude.
« Last Edit: February 28, 2013, 11:11:49 AM by bah12 »

LilacGirl1983

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #63 on: February 28, 2013, 03:45:42 PM »
Thank you for everyone's input. We don't talk about our finances with FIL. We learned the hard way a ways back..We are also saving up for a new house..so we are strapped a lot..The 10k is the most we want to spend..We are looking for ways to save money. If it didn't seem so much like an attack when he brought it up I would have been more willing to listen but considering that we have it under control and doing a lot of research and he just bringing up all the negative aspects and not listening..I just shut down I guess.

We do plan on going in early October when dd has a 3 week break from school due to fall break.  We want to go at that point since its been in the plans for a while now and its mostly for our daughter. She is so logical she is figuring out things and it won't be magical for her much longer...

I know he is going to bring it up again..and yes these are the in laws who want to take dd for a full week at the beginning of the school year. So I will practice my spine and try to re direct if he goes down that road.

MariaE

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #64 on: February 28, 2013, 04:10:54 PM »
But in this case the OP has posted multiple times that they are trying to save to move into a bigger house and that they have a lot of financial problems.  So I can see the ILs getting frustrated by hearing that they are going on a lavish vacation instead.

Some people (myself included) cannot save up and live frugally all the time. Sometimes it is worth indulging in a modest splurge [i]knowing this will postpone my final goal[/i] in order to preserve my sanity by having a treat here and now.

My finances are nobody's business but my own (and my husbands). If we're willing to go a bit longer before we can buy a house in order to go on a neat vacation here and now, then that's our prerogative.

... of course, we then also forfeit the right to complain about how long time it's taking to save up ;)

I'm sorry but to me a 10000.00 trip is not a modest splurge,  I can understand the FIL concern about the amount the trip cost but as long as he doesn;t harp on it. I think I would excuse him mentioning it one time.

Depends how often you go. 10K on a trip every year? No, not a modest splurge. 10K on a trip every 5 years? I'd say that qualifies.

But really, at the end of the day it doesn't matter what we think. It's nobody's business but the OP's (and her husband's ;) ).
 
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LeveeWoman

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #65 on: February 28, 2013, 04:18:45 PM »
Thank you for everyone's input. We don't talk about our finances with FIL. We learned the hard way a ways back..We are also saving up for a new house..so we are strapped a lot..The 10k is the most we want to spend..We are looking for ways to save money. If it didn't seem so much like an attack when he brought it up I would have been more willing to listen but considering that we have it under control and doing a lot of research and he just bringing up all the negative aspects and not listening..I just shut down I guess.

We do plan on going in early October when dd has a 3 week break from school due to fall break.  We want to go at that point since its been in the plans for a while now and its mostly for our daughter. She is so logical she is figuring out things and it won't be magical for her much longer...

I know he is going to bring it up again..and yes these are the in laws who want to take dd for a full week at the beginning of the school year. So I will practice my spine and try to re direct if he goes down that road.

It seems you will need to do more than redirect, perhaps going so far as to tell him that it is none of his concern, that ya'll have things under control. You can say it with a smile to blunt the tone, perhaps.

kareng57

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #66 on: February 28, 2013, 07:31:14 PM »
I think throwing in your own opinion about whether or not the OP is making an "extravagant" plan by taking her kids to Disney is completely inappropriate.  It's Disney...it can be expensive, but depending on your priorities, what you value as far as family time/money, and how the OP is choosing to budget, it doesn't mean that she's blowing money.

And in either case, this is her business.  Not her FIL's and most certainly not anyone's on this board.  And I happen to think that the FIL could have a point, but like I said, there are ways to make it that aren't rude:

"DIL, you've mentioned several times how you would like to save money to buy a house.  Have you considered holding off on this trip for a few years and saving the money for a down payment on the house?  You can have the house now, and baby may even enjoy it more down the line.  Perhaps you can take your 6 year old to a local park this year so that she can still have some with you guys without you having to make this big trip to Disney."  And this really only if he's talking to her about it directly to begin with.  To hear the news from his son and then go talk to her after the fact is still overstepping, IMO.

and then there's

"Disney?  Really?  Your baby is only 1.  He won't remember it or enjoy it.  The plan is silly and crazy and you should be putting that money towards a house instead."

Having a point is not really the issue.  The OP's financial situation is also not the issue (since she doesn't use your in-laws for support).  The issue is why is it anyone's business what family decisions she makes?  Telling them about them does not give them a ticket to interfere.  They obviously don't have the type of relationship where this kind of advice is welcome.  And to me, the crux of the issue is that it  doesn't appear that the FIL approached this in a concerned way at all, but instead a critical and accusatory and even mean way.  Rude.


I'll be the first to agree that FIL's reaction was rude - but I don't think he's rude for being concerned.  Parents can't help being concerned about whether their kids are making the right choices, even when their kids are adults.

If my kids told me that they were paying $ 10 grand for a family vacation at the same time that they were desperately trying to save for a house and having a third child, it would be raised-eyebrow territory for me, though I doubt whether I'd say anything if I wasn't asked.

Aeris

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #67 on: February 28, 2013, 07:37:18 PM »
I think throwing in your own opinion about whether or not the OP is making an "extravagant" plan by taking her kids to Disney is completely inappropriate.  It's Disney...it can be expensive, but depending on your priorities, what you value as far as family time/money, and how the OP is choosing to budget, it doesn't mean that she's blowing money.

And in either case, this is her business.  Not her FIL's and most certainly not anyone's on this board.  And I happen to think that the FIL could have a point, but like I said, there are ways to make it that aren't rude:

"DIL, you've mentioned several times how you would like to save money to buy a house.  Have you considered holding off on this trip for a few years and saving the money for a down payment on the house?  You can have the house now, and baby may even enjoy it more down the line.  Perhaps you can take your 6 year old to a local park this year so that she can still have some with you guys without you having to make this big trip to Disney."  And this really only if he's talking to her about it directly to begin with.  To hear the news from his son and then go talk to her after the fact is still overstepping, IMO.

and then there's

"Disney?  Really?  Your baby is only 1.  He won't remember it or enjoy it.  The plan is silly and crazy and you should be putting that money towards a house instead."

Having a point is not really the issue.  The OP's financial situation is also not the issue (since she doesn't use your in-laws for support).  The issue is why is it anyone's business what family decisions she makes?  Telling them about them does not give them a ticket to interfere.  They obviously don't have the type of relationship where this kind of advice is welcome.  And to me, the crux of the issue is that it  doesn't appear that the FIL approached this in a concerned way at all, but instead a critical and accusatory and even mean way.  Rude.


I'll be the first to agree that FIL's reaction was rude - but I don't think he's rude for being concerned.  Parents can't help being concerned about whether their kids are making the right choices, even when their kids are adults.

If my kids told me that they were paying $ 10 grand for a family vacation at the same time that they were desperately trying to save for a house and having a third child, it would be raised-eyebrow territory for me, though I doubt whether I'd say anything if I wasn't asked.

My mother would have to bite her tongue so hard it bled.

Scuba_Dog

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #68 on: February 28, 2013, 07:47:54 PM »
The part about taking a 1 year old to Disney is none of his concern.

As far as his concerns about spending 10k on a family vacation? When I take in to consideration that in previous thread you have expressed issues with finances as well as trying to save up for a house - He may have been rude - but imo, he's right.
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bah12

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #69 on: February 28, 2013, 07:59:49 PM »
I think throwing in your own opinion about whether or not the OP is making an "extravagant" plan by taking her kids to Disney is completely inappropriate.  It's Disney...it can be expensive, but depending on your priorities, what you value as far as family time/money, and how the OP is choosing to budget, it doesn't mean that she's blowing money.

And in either case, this is her business.  Not her FIL's and most certainly not anyone's on this board.  And I happen to think that the FIL could have a point, but like I said, there are ways to make it that aren't rude:

"DIL, you've mentioned several times how you would like to save money to buy a house.  Have you considered holding off on this trip for a few years and saving the money for a down payment on the house?  You can have the house now, and baby may even enjoy it more down the line.  Perhaps you can take your 6 year old to a local park this year so that she can still have some with you guys without you having to make this big trip to Disney."  And this really only if he's talking to her about it directly to begin with.  To hear the news from his son and then go talk to her after the fact is still overstepping, IMO.

and then there's

"Disney?  Really?  Your baby is only 1.  He won't remember it or enjoy it.  The plan is silly and crazy and you should be putting that money towards a house instead."

Having a point is not really the issue.  The OP's financial situation is also not the issue (since she doesn't use your in-laws for support).  The issue is why is it anyone's business what family decisions she makes?  Telling them about them does not give them a ticket to interfere.  They obviously don't have the type of relationship where this kind of advice is welcome.  And to me, the crux of the issue is that it  doesn't appear that the FIL approached this in a concerned way at all, but instead a critical and accusatory and even mean way.  Rude.


I'll be the first to agree that FIL's reaction was rude - but I don't think he's rude for being concerned.  Parents can't help being concerned about whether their kids are making the right choices, even when their kids are adults.

If my kids told me that they were paying $ 10 grand for a family vacation at the same time that they were desperately trying to save for a house and having a third child, it would be raised-eyebrow territory for me, though I doubt whether I'd say anything if I wasn't asked.

Being concerned is fine.  Being rude in expressing that concern is not.  And I'd even go as far as to say that if the FIL were to continue to express his "concern" when the OP clearly doesn't want to hear it, is also rude.

I agree it's hard to watch someone we love make decisions that we think are bad or at least don't agree with.  But, I think that the FIL needs to respect that the OP and her DH are adults.  They may or may not be making the smartest decisions (I think we can't speculate on that) with regards to money, but if they aren't endangering themselves or their children, then the FIL really needs to refrain from butting in (and I think this is probably the single biggest challenge of parenting after you've raised your kids and they are on their own).  So, they want to buy a house and they spend $10K on a vacation vs. putting it towards a downpayment.  So what?  Maybe it's not the decision that FIL would make, but it's not his decision.   It's not like the kids will be homeless because they are going to Disney.  They just won't be living in a house that the OP and the DH own.  Not something, I personally, would choose to make an issue of regardless of what my opinion on the matter is. 

kareng57

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #70 on: February 28, 2013, 10:02:41 PM »
I think throwing in your own opinion about whether or not the OP is making an "extravagant" plan by taking her kids to Disney is completely inappropriate.  It's Disney...it can be expensive, but depending on your priorities, what you value as far as family time/money, and how the OP is choosing to budget, it doesn't mean that she's blowing money.

And in either case, this is her business.  Not her FIL's and most certainly not anyone's on this board.  And I happen to think that the FIL could have a point, but like I said, there are ways to make it that aren't rude:

"DIL, you've mentioned several times how you would like to save money to buy a house.  Have you considered holding off on this trip for a few years and saving the money for a down payment on the house?  You can have the house now, and baby may even enjoy it more down the line.  Perhaps you can take your 6 year old to a local park this year so that she can still have some with you guys without you having to make this big trip to Disney."  And this really only if he's talking to her about it directly to begin with.  To hear the news from his son and then go talk to her after the fact is still overstepping, IMO.

and then there's

"Disney?  Really?  Your baby is only 1.  He won't remember it or enjoy it.  The plan is silly and crazy and you should be putting that money towards a house instead."

Having a point is not really the issue.  The OP's financial situation is also not the issue (since she doesn't use your in-laws for support).  The issue is why is it anyone's business what family decisions she makes?  Telling them about them does not give them a ticket to interfere.  They obviously don't have the type of relationship where this kind of advice is welcome.  And to me, the crux of the issue is that it  doesn't appear that the FIL approached this in a concerned way at all, but instead a critical and accusatory and even mean way.  Rude.


I'll be the first to agree that FIL's reaction was rude - but I don't think he's rude for being concerned.  Parents can't help being concerned about whether their kids are making the right choices, even when their kids are adults.

If my kids told me that they were paying $ 10 grand for a family vacation at the same time that they were desperately trying to save for a house and having a third child, it would be raised-eyebrow territory for me, though I doubt whether I'd say anything if I wasn't asked.

Being concerned is fine.  Being rude in expressing that concern is not.  And I'd even go as far as to say that if the FIL were to continue to express his "concern" when the OP clearly doesn't want to hear it, is also rude.

I agree it's hard to watch someone we love make decisions that we think are bad or at least don't agree with.  But, I think that the FIL needs to respect that the OP and her DH are adults.  They may or may not be making the smartest decisions (I think we can't speculate on that) with regards to money, but if they aren't endangering themselves or their children, then the FIL really needs to refrain from butting in (and I think this is probably the single biggest challenge of parenting after you've raised your kids and they are on their own).  So, they want to buy a house and they spend $10K on a vacation vs. putting it towards a downpayment.  So what?  Maybe it's not the decision that FIL would make, but it's not his decision.   It's not like the kids will be homeless because they are going to Disney.  They just won't be living in a house that the OP and the DH own.  Not something, I personally, would choose to make an issue of regardless of what my opinion on the matter is.


But at the same time, we've seen plenty of threads on this board about parents who are still helping out their age 30 - 40+ kids because of poor financial decisions they'd made in the past  - and "they didn't feel as though they could say anything".

I am not saying that this is the case with OP, she's already said that the ILs are not helping them financially.  But I'm picking up the sentiment here that parents have no right to be concerned, regardless of whether or not they express it.  I just can't agree with that - as the mother of two adult sons (and possibly a grandmother some day) I'd be terribly concerned if there was a scenario like this.  It's a huge amount of money to spend on a young-family vacation.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #71 on: February 28, 2013, 10:22:51 PM »
I think throwing in your own opinion about whether or not the OP is making an "extravagant" plan by taking her kids to Disney is completely inappropriate.  It's Disney...it can be expensive, but depending on your priorities, what you value as far as family time/money, and how the OP is choosing to budget, it doesn't mean that she's blowing money.

And in either case, this is her business.  Not her FIL's and most certainly not anyone's on this board.  And I happen to think that the FIL could have a point, but like I said, there are ways to make it that aren't rude:

"DIL, you've mentioned several times how you would like to save money to buy a house.  Have you considered holding off on this trip for a few years and saving the money for a down payment on the house?  You can have the house now, and baby may even enjoy it more down the line.  Perhaps you can take your 6 year old to a local park this year so that she can still have some with you guys without you having to make this big trip to Disney."  And this really only if he's talking to her about it directly to begin with.  To hear the news from his son and then go talk to her after the fact is still overstepping, IMO.

and then there's

"Disney?  Really?  Your baby is only 1.  He won't remember it or enjoy it.  The plan is silly and crazy and you should be putting that money towards a house instead."

Having a point is not really the issue.  The OP's financial situation is also not the issue (since she doesn't use your in-laws for support).  The issue is why is it anyone's business what family decisions she makes?  Telling them about them does not give them a ticket to interfere.  They obviously don't have the type of relationship where this kind of advice is welcome.  And to me, the crux of the issue is that it  doesn't appear that the FIL approached this in a concerned way at all, but instead a critical and accusatory and even mean way.  Rude.


I'll be the first to agree that FIL's reaction was rude - but I don't think he's rude for being concerned.  Parents can't help being concerned about whether their kids are making the right choices, even when their kids are adults.

If my kids told me that they were paying $ 10 grand for a family vacation at the same time that they were desperately trying to save for a house and having a third child, it would be raised-eyebrow territory for me, though I doubt whether I'd say anything if I wasn't asked.

Being concerned is fine.  Being rude in expressing that concern is not.  And I'd even go as far as to say that if the FIL were to continue to express his "concern" when the OP clearly doesn't want to hear it, is also rude.

I agree it's hard to watch someone we love make decisions that we think are bad or at least don't agree with.  But, I think that the FIL needs to respect that the OP and her DH are adults.  They may or may not be making the smartest decisions (I think we can't speculate on that) with regards to money, but if they aren't endangering themselves or their children, then the FIL really needs to refrain from butting in (and I think this is probably the single biggest challenge of parenting after you've raised your kids and they are on their own).  So, they want to buy a house and they spend $10K on a vacation vs. putting it towards a downpayment.  So what?  Maybe it's not the decision that FIL would make, but it's not his decision.   It's not like the kids will be homeless because they are going to Disney.  They just won't be living in a house that the OP and the DH own.  Not something, I personally, would choose to make an issue of regardless of what my opinion on the matter is.


But at the same time, we've seen plenty of threads on this board about parents who are still helping out their age 30 - 40+ kids because of poor financial decisions they'd made in the past  - and "they didn't feel as though they could say anything".

I am not saying that this is the case with OP, she's already said that the ILs are not helping them financially.  But I'm picking up the sentiment here that parents have no right to be concerned, regardless of whether or not they express it.  I just can't agree with that - as the mother of two adult sons (and possibly a grandmother some day) I'd be terribly concerned if there was a scenario like this.  It's a huge amount of money to spend on a young-family vacation.

Concern is not rude. Unwanted and critical comments, however, are.

Two Ravens

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #72 on: March 01, 2013, 10:45:07 AM »
Concern is not rude. Unwanted and critical comments, however, are.

I just cannot agree with this. It seems to me to be saying "No one should tell me anything I don't want to hear."

stargazer

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #73 on: March 01, 2013, 10:51:20 AM »
I'm just baffled by all the people here saying oh yeah, you have to go when the kids are super young or the magic won't be there for them.  I can tell you I did not go to Disneyland (still haven't made it to DisneyWorld yet) until I was in my early teens and it was super magical and I loved every second of it.  Still feel that way every time I go. 

LeveeWoman

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Re: Bringing a 1 year old where?!
« Reply #74 on: March 01, 2013, 10:53:24 AM »
Concern is not rude. Unwanted and critical comments, however, are.

I just cannot agree with this. It seems to me to be saying "No one should tell me anything I don't want to hear."

If this were a one-off, I would agree with your, and others', take on this. However, considering the source, LilacGirl's in-laws have a history of intrusive and obnoxious behavior.