young adults learning the hard way - update post #29

[nalapuppy]

(Please, I am not intending to get snarky here!) You mentioned that you wouldn't allow your HS senior son to make this mistake.  Let me just ask you, if your 17½ year old son was bigger and stronger than you and he stubbornly dug his heels in and insisted upon dressing his own way, exactly how would you force him to comply with you?  (I hope your son is not like I am describing - I hope he is more willing to accept reasonable guidance from you!)

Thanks for pointing this out.  You're right, there is no way I would be able to force him to dress appropriately.  I definitely used the words "let/allow" out of context. 

What I would do is not to sit quietly and watch as he was not dressed correctly.  If he was digging his heels in, and trying to not take my advice, I would direct him to ask other adults (that would know the parameters he would need to follow), or research it online.  For something this important, I would keep after him until he had a much clearer picture of what was needed.

Now, for something that isn't so important, and he isn't willing to be guided, I would sit back quietly and let him learn by his own mistakes.

[RebeccainGA]

My DD is horrible about this - well, until she moved out. Now she's much better.

Growing up, she hated going to the grocery store. She said when she was older she'd just eat out all the time - after all, she could get hamburgers off the dollar menu and it was cheaper than what she could cook at home. She said she'd never need to learn to cook. Less than a week after moving into her first apartment, she was back to 'borrow' utensils, pans, and such - I had an old set from when I was single I gave her, with some additions from Target's clearance aisle. She told me that if she never ate another cheap hamburger it'd be just fine with her. LOL

[siamesecat2965]

Reading all these makes me so glad my parents let me learn from my mistakes. Not that I made many; or big ones, but I'm a firm believer in letter your kids do their own thing, and if they mess up, hopefully they won't again. That's how I was raised, but I see and hear so many of my friends and co-workers who arent able to do that, and insist on doing everything for their kids. And its not doing them any favors. They are completely unprepared for real life.

I'm reminded of an episode of the Cosby Show, when Theo is tired of the rules, and talks about how he can't wait to move out, and live on his own, and how wonderful it will be!  So (if I recall) his father gives him fake money and says, this is what you earn. Theo is thrilled!  Then he takes some away for taxes. And some more for rent, and some more for utilities, and so on, until Theo is left with almost nothing. 

[stargazer]

Reading all these makes me so glad my parents let me learn from my mistakes. Not that I made many; or big ones, but I'm a firm believer in letter your kids do their own thing, and if they mess up, hopefully they won't again. That's how I was raised, but I see and hear so many of my friends and co-workers who arent able to do that, and insist on doing everything for their kids. And its not doing them any favors. They are completely unprepared for real life.

I'm reminded of an episode of the Cosby Show, when Theo is tired of the rules, and talks about how he can't wait to move out, and live on his own, and how wonderful it will be!  So (if I recall) his father gives him fake money and says, this is what you earn. Theo is thrilled!  Then he takes some away for taxes. And some more for rent, and some more for utilities, and so on, until Theo is left with almost nothing.

I remember that episode too, and Theo gloating because he was able to survive with what he "earned" although he was down to nothing left in the end.  Until his dad pointed out one problem in Theo's equation.  Theo hadn't "eaten" yet!  Apparently food is magical when you are younger and doesn't cost money.

[Hillia]

My mom did a similar thing for me, only I was much younger, maybe 7 or 8, and nagging about wanting a bigger car, a trip to Disneyland, a pony, all sorts of things.  And my  mother would explain to me that while we had plenty of money for the comfortable house and car that we had, and good food, and warm clothes...she couldn't get it in my head.

So one week she arranged it with the bank, and got my dad's paycheck cashed in $1 bills (this was in the late 60's/early 70's).  She showed me this stack of bills and I was thrilled...look how much we had!  But then she started making piles...here's what we pay for our house, here's what we pay for our groceries, here's what we save for vacation, until there was nothing left.

[siamesecat2965]

Reading all these makes me so glad my parents let me learn from my mistakes. Not that I made many; or big ones, but I'm a firm believer in letter your kids do their own thing, and if they mess up, hopefully they won't again. That's how I was raised, but I see and hear so many of my friends and co-workers who arent able to do that, and insist on doing everything for their kids. And its not doing them any favors. They are completely unprepared for real life.

I'm reminded of an episode of the Cosby Show, when Theo is tired of the rules, and talks about how he can't wait to move out, and live on his own, and how wonderful it will be!  So (if I recall) his father gives him fake money and says, this is what you earn. Theo is thrilled!  Then he takes some away for taxes. And some more for rent, and some more for utilities, and so on, until Theo is left with almost nothing.

I remember that episode too, and Theo gloating because he was able to survive with what he "earned" although he was down to nothing left in the end.  Until his dad pointed out one problem in Theo's equation.  Theo hadn't "eaten" yet!  Apparently food is magical when you are younger and doesn't cost money.

That's right!  I forgot about that part.  I cannnot wait to see what happens with my CW's daughter next year. She's a freshman and living in the dorms. She has money which she's earned, but spends like crazy and has no concept. I told CW just give it all to her and if she spends it all, let HER figure it out. But CW is such a control freak she won't. She did howver, give her a substantial sum, and tell her I don't want to hear or receive any calls asking for money for the rest of the school year.

Child will be living in an apt next year. Oy vey. Not only is she a slob, but I don't know how she is going to manage having to pay things like utilities etc. She also loses and breaks things. And I'm guessing neither she nor mom will think it necessary to have rental insurance. I'm not even going there.

[mbbored]

It's not just young adults who sometimes fail to meet dress codes. My mother has two uniforms: souvenir t shirt with old jeans and sneakers or sandals, or shapeless ankle length jumper over tee shirt with loafers or sandals. Wine tasting fundraiser, symphony performance, graduations, weddings: she dresses exactly the same. That's it and honestly that's fine by me. She's an adult and can dress herself however she wants. However, I don't know how many times we've gone to something and she has scolded ME for not telling her she was inappropriately dressed.

But, heaven forbid I say before we leave, "Last time you wore that to XYZ event you were uncomfortable about how dressed up you were. Do you want to try on something different?" Because apparently that's judgmental and she's an adult.

The only time my sister and I put our feet down was when our brother got married in an evening ceremony at a fancy restaurant in Manhattan. We said we weren't going to spend the next 30 years listen to her gripe about the fact that she wasn't in any pictures, when the truth was she refused to dress appropriately then said she was too embarrassed to be in the pictures. We found a very attractive (and loose!) ankle length dress with comfortable but cute flats.

[Yvaine]

It's not just young adults who sometimes fail to meet dress codes. My mother has two uniforms: souvenir t shirt with old jeans and sneakers or sandals, or shapeless ankle length jumper over tee shirt with loafers or sandals. Wine tasting fundraiser, symphony performance, graduations, weddings: she dresses exactly the same. That's it and honestly that's fine by me. She's an adult and can dress herself however she wants. However, I don't know how many times we've gone to something and she has scolded ME for not telling her she was inappropriately dressed.

But, heaven forbid I say before we leave, "Last time you wore that to XYZ event you were uncomfortable about how dressed up you were. Do you want to try on something different?" Because apparently that's judgmental and she's an adult.

The only time my sister and I put our feet down was when our brother got married in an evening ceremony at a fancy restaurant in Manhattan. We said we weren't going to spend the next 30 years listen to her gripe about the fact that she wasn't in any pictures, when the truth was she refused to dress appropriately then said she was too embarrassed to be in the pictures. We found a very attractive (and loose!) ankle length dress with comfortable but cute flats.

I have a dear friend (in her forties) who hates to dress up. And it's no-win. If she shows up and is underdressed, she gets upset because she's underdressed. If she does decide to dress up, she gets upset because she thinks she looks silly in her dressy clothes and that everyone else looks better in their dressy clothes. Some days I think she likes to dress down because then she can tell herself that she just "looks worse" because she didn't dress up, while if she does dress up she has to confront all the rest of her insecurities about her appearance.

[bopper]

My DD's partner is a lovely person but unfortunately thinks he is an expert in most fields.   At the moment he thinks he is a tradesman and can fix all manner of things in the old house they have bought and are planning to renovate.   This entails him borrowing our power tools and so far bringing them back in various states of disrepair or just plain stuffed. Of course it is never his fault, "the thing must be faulty, or "I only used it for a minute and it blew up".

We have offered to buy him a few of his own, but he doesn't seem to think its necessary.

At this point my DH has steam coming out his ears over his precious tools and has issued an edict (to me) "He's not taking any more tools"
 
DH is a softy and expects me to issue the edict.

I have a rule with my kids that I will loan you (small bits) of money, but if you do not pay me back immediately and make me chase you for money, then I do not lend you money any more.

I have one daughter who still gets lent money and two that don't.

Also our exchange daughter has started going to the gym with anohter family.  The other family is nice enough to come pick her up, but they still have to ring the doorbell and wait for her to gather a few final things. I have told her that if she wants to continue getting rides (I said that I would not commit to taking her to the gym 3 times a week) she should be standing at the door waiting for THEM.  But I am just a mom, what do I know.

[BeagleMommy]

DS isn't like this.  He will usually ask me for advice then make his own decision based on what advice he's been given.

DH on the other hand?  Ugh.  The man has four polo shirts and two pairs of khaki's (olive green or black) that serve as his uniform.  Otherwise it's T-shirts and his one pair of jeans (honestly, how can anyone survive with only one pair of jeans).

The other day I mentioned that the burnt orange polo shirt and green khaki combination really made him look like a pumpkin.  Of course, I can't know what I'm talking about.  He looks fiiiiiiine.

Until he saw the 85-year-old neighbor wearing the identical outfit!   

[Sophia]

I would tell him, "Smart people can learn from OTHER PEOPLE's mistakes"

[otterwoman]

Child will be living in an apt next year. Oy vey. Not only is she a slob, but I don't know how she is going to manage having to pay things like utilities etc. She also loses and breaks things. And I'm guessing neither she nor mom will think it necessary to have rental insurance. I'm not even going there.

Snipped down a bit

If the daughter is a student, her apartment might be covered under her mother's homeowners insurance. The mom would need to check with her company. But renter's insurance is dirt cheap on it's own, I agree it's worth it.

[siamesecat2965]

Child will be living in an apt next year. Oy vey. Not only is she a slob, but I don't know how she is going to manage having to pay things like utilities etc. She also loses and breaks things. And I'm guessing neither she nor mom will think it necessary to have rental insurance. I'm not even going there.

Snipped down a bit

If the daughter is a student, her apartment might be covered under her mother's homeowners insurance. The mom would need to check with her company. But renter's insurance is dirt cheap on it's own, I agree it's worth it.

Oh I know. But both mom and daugher are a bit clueless so I'm guessing the thought won't even cross their mind until something's happened. And they then find out she did need rental, and is not covered under mom's policy. and has to pay for whatever was stolen etc. herself.

and on a side note; Im thankful my complex requires rental insurance. ONe of my CWs and her family, father, fiancee and 4 kids lost everything in a fire this week, and had no insurance. I think I pay slightly less than $200 year and have coverage to replace everything i own (I hope)

[Mammavan3]

There is hope.

I worked for a large multinational, and our chairman is one you see on the financial shows. If he asked me a question about our company's stock, he would accept my answer as correct. DD, OTOH, would believe any fifteen-year-old she had never seen before rather than believe what I said. Even she told us many times, "You know I have to learn the hard way." 

Now that she's married and has a little one, she calls me at least three times a week to ask my opinion or for advice. I'm so glad she can't see the grin on my face when she does.

[EveLGenius]

Several years ago, when our nieces were in junior high or thereabouts, we met up with them at a park that had a lovely creek going through it.  The creek had an improved wading area (steps leading to it, cobblestone bottom) that was about ankle deep, and where the wading area ended there was a "swimming hole" that was about three feet deep.  I recommended that the nieces stay off of the rocks near the swimming hole, because they were damp and algae-covered, and therefore slippery.  One of them said, "What happens if we go there anyway?"  I shrugged and said, "You don't have swimsuits or changes of clothes with you, so you're the one who has to walk around in wet underwear for the rest of the day."

As I'm sure you can predict, they all went and played on the slippery rocks.  The one who asked the question did in fact fall in, and was breathlessly waiting to be yelled at.  Nobody said a word. 

About two hours later, she quietly said to me, "You're right.  I regret that."