Dear Prudence: sibling "stealing" wedding date

[Betelnut]

I'm with Prudie too.  Frankly, I don't even remember my sisters' anniversary dates except for a vague, "Oh, I think she was married in June...?" so I can see that being the case also.

[FlyingBaconMouse]

However, maybe I've been reading this forum too long, but I could easily imagine a future post about a BIL and SIL who have lots of anniversary parties but never acknowledge the LW and her husband's same-date anniversary.    I guess I agree with Prudie that it doesn't have to be a big problem, but I'd be keeping a close eye on those two for a while after that.

I think this is taking it way too far down the road of 'what ifs'. There's no indication that the BIL and fiancee are terrible selfish people that want to make the universe all about them. It's possible, in the same way that *anything* is possible.

You're probably right. It just seems like so many stories here start with something like this, and later it turns out to have been the first tiny pebbles of an avalanche of crazy. 

[Hmmmmm]

In reading the letter, the writer never indicated that her husband reminded his brother that May 11th was their anniversary.  She says that he should remember since he was the best man.  Remember their wedding was in May, probably. The actual date, probably not so much. When her DH sent his brother a note saying those were probably not the best dates he should have said honestly, "Bro, that's our first annivesary and we were already making plans. Can you guys switch to another Saturday for the engagement party?" 

I can see where the letter writer might be a little upset that her first and second wedding anniversary will be overshadowed by the wedding events. But I can not imagine deciding to skip a sibling's engagement party or wedding because of that type of conflict.

I'd make the most out of the engagement party.  Go out Friday night for a fantastic dinner, "sleep" in Saturday morning, go have a great late lunch and then head off for a spa day before dressing for the engagement party and have a fab time with friends and family that night. 

[Aeris]

I disagree with Prudence.

I would be upset.  I don't know about the wedding, but I would certainly skip the engagement party.

I also wonder what else there is to the backstory.  I admit that my knee-jerk reaction is to assume that there is a long history of the brother one-upping the husband and always having to be the center of attention.  Because, really... 365 days in the year and you just happened to pick the one that is your brother's wedding date?  And to plan a major all-about-you party on your brother's first anniversary?  Really?  It sets my hinky-meter off.

But realistically, there are NOT 365 days on which one can reasonably plan a wedding. There aren't, and it's ridiculous to pretend that there are. Many people want to get married in a certain season for a whole host of valid and substantial reasons. Add to that the availability of a desired venue, conflicts on certain weekends with parents/children's events/vacations/school, etc, and you might end up very very quickly at only 2 or 3 possible weekends on which to hold your event. Or maybe just one.

Or maybe May 11 has some special significance to the BIL and his fiancee that makes it very important to them personally to be married on it, regardless of who else happened to get married that day in prior years.

[Sophie Jenkins]

I probably would have skipped an engagement party on my first anniversary.

...but I also would have mentioned to my sibling that, "Hey, dude... as an fyi, I already have plans for that day, since it's my first anniversary. Can my husband and I take you and your lovely new fiancee out for dinner sometime soon to celebrate and get to know her better?"

And then I would go to the wedding the next year absolutely delighted for my brother, and have fond memories of my own wedding while dancing at my brother's reception.

I think Prudie is harsh regarding the engagement party, but the wedding- weddings are desperately hard to find dates for. I would never take that personally.

[ilrag]

I think the letter writer is being beyond silly. In my family if the same situation came up the result would be a life time of teasing about how they were just copying our brilliant ideas and excellent marriage and who can blame them?

Also going to an engagement party doesn't mean you can't have your own private celebration - if it's a lunch party you two go out to a nice dinner. If it's a dinner party go to lunch or breakfast. It's not like there's only so much love/joy/what ever to go around on each day.

[lowspark]

Maybe the special significance about the date *is* the fact that their sibling got married on that date.

I think the fact that they are upset says a lot about their rel@tionship. My first wedding was on my sister's birthday. We picked that date for several reasons, mostly time of year and availability of venue & clergy. The fact that it was also my sister's birthday made it even more special to me.

And my sister? Well, she thought it was great. She was my maid of honor and I had the pianist switch to a brief moment of "Happy Birthday to You" as she walked down the aisle.

I can see the first anniversary conflicting with the engagement party, but to be honest, I'd go to the party and do the anniversary celebration the night before. Is it really THAT important to celebrate on that specific night? My current (second marriage) anniversary is near a holiday and DH & I almost never go out on that exact night because there's always some kind of conflict. Doesn't diminish the fact that we're celebrating another year. We have just as nice an evening a week before or later as we would have on that day.

[SiotehCat]

I don't remember siblings anniversary dates, but if I were planning something huge, I would want one of them to speak up.

In fact, I am wondering why LW's husband wouldn't just be able to speak to his brother. Not in the the "sit down we need to talk" kind of talk. More like "hey, there wasn't any other date in the entire year you could have picked?".

Maybe there really isn't another date they could have picked. Or maybe the brother really didn't know and will look into changing the date. Whatever the outcome, I think talking about it will take care of some of the hurt feelings.

[Miss March]

I had almost the exact same thing happen. My husband and I spent our first anniversary at the wedding of one of his closest friends. We were delighted! It meant we got to dress up, enjoy a lovely meal, dance, share in a very festive day and quietly hold hands and watch another couple share their vows. It was probably the best anniversary we've ever shared together.

[Sharnita]

It befuddles me that anyone would object.
 
First of all, while somebody might remember there relatives anniversary date there should be no assumption/expectation that they do or will.
 Second, you figure that in general most people want to wed on a Saturday.  It is obviously OK to choose a different date but to avoid work conflicst, allow travel time, etc. Saturday seems to be the only option that makes sense for a lot of couples.
Third, holidays seem to eliminate some of those weekends for a lot of people.  They might not want to get married the night before Easter for example, because it could create a onfolict for many guests.
Fourth, a lot of couples wouldn't mind at the shared dates at all.  I think my siblings and their spouses would probably see it as "Hey honey, we will be able to go out and have an evening out, go dancing, etc. on our anniversary - on somebody else's dime."

[WillyNilly]

I had almost the exact same thing happen. My husband and I spent our first anniversary at the wedding of one of his closest friends. We were delighted! It meant we got to dress up, enjoy a lovely meal, dance, share in a very festive day and quietly hold hands and watch another couple share their vows. It was probably the best anniversary we've ever shared together.

I think that's a bit different though. being a guest at a wedding isn't really the same thing as being a guest (possibly in the wedding party - after all the LW's DH had this brother as his best man, there's a possibility the request could come back) at a very close family member's wedding.  When its a friend's wedding you have less photo-errand running-family obligations then when its your siblings wedding.

[WillyNilly]

Second, you figure that in general most people want to wed on a Saturday.  It is obviously OK to choose a different date but to avoid work conflicst, allow travel time, etc. Saturday seems to be the only option that makes sense for a lot of couples.

How does this play into anything?  The couple is planning on May 11 2014 - a Sunday.

[lowspark]

Second, you figure that in general most people want to wed on a Saturday.  It is obviously OK to choose a different date but to avoid work conflicst, allow travel time, etc. Saturday seems to be the only option that makes sense for a lot of couples.

How does this play into anything?  The couple is planning on May 11 2014 - a Sunday.

... and May 11, 2012 was a Friday... Seems like neither couple actually felt like a Saturday wedding was a must.

[Sharnita]

Sorry, no caledar in front of me.  My point was that 365 days is probably not realistic.  Actually, though, now thay you point it out it does seemt hat the date might be particularly significant to the 2nd couple.

[WillyNilly]

My guess is the date is important to the second couple.  Total speculation here, but I bet the brother, all caught up in the excitement and romance of his brother's wedding, and them all dressed up and dancing, etc proposed to his girlfriend at his brother's wedding, and that's why the date is important (or it was their first "real" date, etc)... which should firmly put "oh that's my brother's anniversary!" in their minds.