Dear Prudence: sibling "stealing" wedding date

[pierrotlunaire0]

I stood up in my sister's wedding, and although I remember the fact that it was sometime in spring/summer, I have no more memory of the date.

May 11 may mean a lot to the LW, but realistically, for her to expect any one else to even remember it, not to mention honor it, is IMO too much.

[Two Ravens]

Or it could just be the only weekend day in May their venue was available. Or it is also entirely possible the LW changed the date for the letter.

I actually think it was pretty nervey of the couple to suggest the Brother change his wedding date. Isn't it the rule that you accept or decline an invitation but you don't make others change their plans for you?

[lowspark]

Or it could just be the only weekend day in May their venue was available. Or it is also entirely possible the LW changed the date for the letter.

I actually think it was pretty nervey of the couple to suggest the Brother change his wedding date. Isn't it the rule that you accept or decline an invitation but you don't make others change their plans for you?

Yeah, I thought about that (the bolded) too. But no matter what the date, the same date, three years in a row, is not always going to be a Saturday. At most one of them will be. So it does make you wonder if that date is significant enough to warrant the party and wedding on that day regardless of what day of the week it falls on.

[bah12]

I somewhat disagree with Prudie...but I also don't 100% agree with the LW. 

First, the LW's feelings, I think, are totally reasonable.  I too would be upset if I had to spend my first wedding anniversary at my BIL's engagement party and my second wedding anniversary at their wedding.  I don't really think it's too unreasonable for them to choose to skip the engagement party and spend their first anniversary celebrating together...on their actual anniversary.  If they aren't demanding the date be changed and remain all about them (and the LW does admit she doesn't own the date), then I think she's fine to feel how she feels and skip the engagement party.

What is a bit unreasonable is to think that just because the BIL stood up at their wedding, that he would remember the exact date or change the date if he was reminded.  I still don't remember when my sister's anniversary is, other than it's sometime in the fall.

As for Prudie's advice, it's too harsh IMO.  Sure, the LW doesn't own the wedding date.  She already recongnizes that.  And I'm with the advice that she shouldn't skip the wedding.  But to sound like she's somehow acting like a SS just because she's privately miffed and plans to skip the engagement party...too much.  Just because Prudie herself doesn't put much stock in the wedding anniversary, doesn't mean that no one else should.  DH and I feel our anniversary is very special to us.  Does that mean that we never do something else on that day when other family and friends have something going on? Of course not.  But I too would have felt perfectly fine declining an engagement party so that I could celebrate my very first anniversay with my DH on the actual day.  This engagement party doesn't trump anything else that's special about that day any more than the LW's anniversary does. 

[fluffy]

My husband and I got married on his sister's wedding anniversary. We didn't know it was their anniversary (they got married privately, so my husband wasn't invited and didn't attend). but she mentioned it in passing to him when he called to tell her the date. We said we were sorry for the conflict, but she said not to worry about it. We stopped by their hotel room the morning of our wedding to give them some flowers, champagne, and chocolates (my mind is a bit hazy about what we gave them, but I know there was some sort of special alcohol and chocolates) and wish them a happy anniversary.

She mentioned it in her toast, in a very gracious, loving, celebratory way. And now we call each other to wish each other happy anniversaries. And will plan on celebrating together one of these years.

You can get married on a sibling's anniversary and have it not create family drama.

I can kindof understand wanting to celebrate your 1st anniversary alone with your husband/wife. But I still probably wouldn't skip the engagement party, I'd try and do something special at another time that same day. And skipping the wedding is just silly.

[NyaChan]

I somewhat disagree with Prudie...but I also don't 100% agree with the LW. 

First, the LW's feelings, I think, are totally reasonable.  I too would be upset if I had to spend my first wedding anniversary at my BIL's engagement party and my second wedding anniversary at their wedding.  I don't really think it's too unreasonable for them to choose to skip the engagement party and spend their first anniversary celebrating together...on their actual anniversary.  If they aren't demanding the date be changed and remain all about them (and the LW does admit she doesn't own the date), then I think she's fine to feel how she feels and skip the engagement party.

What is a bit unreasonable is to think that just because the BIL stood up at their wedding, that he would remember the exact date or change the date if he was reminded.  I still don't remember when my sister's anniversary is, other than it's sometime in the fall.

As for Prudie's advice, it's too harsh IMO.  Sure, the LW doesn't own the wedding date.  She already recongnizes that.  And I'm with the advice that she shouldn't skip the wedding.  But to sound like she's somehow acting like a SS just because she's privately miffed and plans to skip the engagement party...too much.  Just because Prudie herself doesn't put much stock in the wedding anniversary, doesn't mean that no one else should.  DH and I feel our anniversary is very special to us.  Does that mean that we never do something else on that day when other family and friends have something going on? Of course not.  But I too would have felt perfectly fine declining an engagement party so that I could celebrate my very first anniversay with my DH on the actual day.  This engagement party doesn't trump anything else that's special about that day any more than the LW's anniversary does.

I really agree with this.  It bothers me how easily Prudie dismissed the importance the LW held her anniversary in.  May not be a big deal to her, or apparently others, but it clearly means something to that woman and there is no reason why it shouldn't.  They were invited to an engagement party - it isn't a summons.  If she'd rather be with her husband on that day, she is in no way rude for declining that.

[Queen of Clubs]

I somewhat disagree with Prudie...but I also don't 100% agree with the LW. 

First, the LW's feelings, I think, are totally reasonable.  I too would be upset if I had to spend my first wedding anniversary at my BIL's engagement party and my second wedding anniversary at their wedding.  I don't really think it's too unreasonable for them to choose to skip the engagement party and spend their first anniversary celebrating together...on their actual anniversary.  If they aren't demanding the date be changed and remain all about them (and the LW does admit she doesn't own the date), then I think she's fine to feel how she feels and skip the engagement party.

I agree with this.  I'm also wondering if there's some back story with rivalry between the two brothers.  I can understand the best man/future groom not remembering that his brother got married on a specific date, but then to plan not only his engagement party but also his wedding for that specific date seems a bit too much of a coincidence to me.

I don't blame the LW for being a bit taken aback over it, but there's nothing she can do about that date.  I think she and her husband should go ahead and skip the engagement party and celebrate their first wedding anniversary how they want.

It's a pity the LW or husband isn't on eHell so we could find out if there is more to the story!

[fluffy]

I'm also wondering if there's some back story with rivalry between the two brothers.  I can understand the best man/future groom not remembering that his brother got married on a specific date, but then to plan not only his engagement party but also his wedding for that specific date seems a bit too much of a coincidence to me.

I wonder if it's a date with some significance in the family. That would explain the threepete and the non-Saturday wedding dates.

My cousin got married on a Friday, partially because she wanted to get married on our grandparents' anniversary.

I could see the LW leaving that detail out because she knew it would hurt her cause. No one sibling should get the monopoly on a date that's important to the entire family.

[Queen of Clubs]

I'm also wondering if there's some back story with rivalry between the two brothers.  I can understand the best man/future groom not remembering that his brother got married on a specific date, but then to plan not only his engagement party but also his wedding for that specific date seems a bit too much of a coincidence to me.

I wonder if it's a date with some significance in the family. That would explain the threepete and the non-Saturday wedding dates.

That's entirely possible as well.  I guess we'll never know.

[Winterlight]

I somewhat disagree with Prudie...but I also don't 100% agree with the LW. 

First, the LW's feelings, I think, are totally reasonable.  I too would be upset if I had to spend my first wedding anniversary at my BIL's engagement party and my second wedding anniversary at their wedding.  I don't really think it's too unreasonable for them to choose to skip the engagement party and spend their first anniversary celebrating together...on their actual anniversary.  If they aren't demanding the date be changed and remain all about them (and the LW does admit she doesn't own the date), then I think she's fine to feel how she feels and skip the engagement party.

What is a bit unreasonable is to think that just because the BIL stood up at their wedding, that he would remember the exact date or change the date if he was reminded.  I still don't remember when my sister's anniversary is, other than it's sometime in the fall.

As for Prudie's advice, it's too harsh IMO.  Sure, the LW doesn't own the wedding date.  She already recongnizes that.  And I'm with the advice that she shouldn't skip the wedding.  But to sound like she's somehow acting like a SS just because she's privately miffed and plans to skip the engagement party...too much.  Just because Prudie herself doesn't put much stock in the wedding anniversary, doesn't mean that no one else should.  DH and I feel our anniversary is very special to us.  Does that mean that we never do something else on that day when other family and friends have something going on? Of course not.  But I too would have felt perfectly fine declining an engagement party so that I could celebrate my very first anniversay with my DH on the actual day.  This engagement party doesn't trump anything else that's special about that day any more than the LW's anniversary does.

Agreed. I think they should decline the engagement party, go to the wedding and let the rest go. And Prudie doesn't need to be so hard on her.

[Garden Goblin]

I think it's silly to be upset by it, and I think it's petty and unreasonable to skip out on your own sibling's wedding over something like this. It's not an etiquette violation, but I'd think it was a pretty selfish way to behave, personally.

Depends on the rest of the family dynamic, but all things considered, there are 364 other days in the year for the siblings to schedule their wedding.  Unless there is some kind of reason why the venue or something else is only available on that specific date, the sibling should not have scheduled it then.

So if there are other family issues, then no, I don't think it's at all petty or unreasonable.  I think it could easily be more 'last straw' type thing.

[Sharnita]

As far as the engagement party, ould they attend but arrive late or leave early and explain ahead of time that they will be doing so in order to celebrate their anniversary? I haven't attended many engagement parties (they are not all that common around here) but the ones I have been to that would work just fine.

[snowdragon]

     The LW needs to come clean and tell her BIL that she won't come to the engagement party and why. She has a right to feel a bit peeved at the prospect of spending her first and second anniversaries honoring her BIL's marriage rather than her own. I wouldn't want to either.
       The fact that the engagement party is so long after the actual engagement makes me wonder if the BIL is trying to overshadow the LW and her husband.  While reading this thread, I thought about all the wedding anniversaries I know and you, know my brother was married 30 years ago this June and I still know his anniversary date. My best friend was married 23 years ago - and I know her date too. For some people, their wedding anniversaries are really important to them and to ask someone to spend their first two anniversaries not celebrating their own marriage borders on cruel. I could see the BIL's marriage taking place on teh second, but taking the first away from newly weds? Sorry, I would not go, either
 

[TootsNYC]

I disagree with Prudence.

I would be upset.  I don't know about the wedding, but I would certainly skip the engagement party.

I also wonder what else there is to the backstory.  I admit that my knee-jerk reaction is to assume that there is a long history of the brother one-upping the husband and always having to be the center of attention.  Because, really... 365 days in the year and you just happened to pick the one that is your brother's wedding date?  And to plan a major all-about-you party on your brother's first anniversary?  Really?  It sets my hinky-meter off.

As someone said upstream: If you want to have a wedding on the weekend in the spring, you don't have 365 days. You have, what, 12 weeks x 2 weekend days = 24.

In 2013, May 11 is on a Saturday. In 2014, May 11 is a Sunday. (Last year, May 11 was a Friday.)

I was going to say I think it's weird to have an engagement party that far in the future; I think they should be planned for soon--but if their culture has big, splashy parties, then if they announced this in the most recent couple of weeks, it's less than 3 months ahead.

The thing that might hurt *my* feelings is that they clearly didn't care whether I was at the engagement party. And I would already have a pretty strong commitment to spend that evening/day w/ my spouse since it's *MY* first anniversary. And the reason they don't know that is *not* that they didn't remember my wedding date (I wouldn't expect them to)

The reason they don't know is that they didn't check with me to see if I could make it. And that would sort of hurt my feelings.

I know you can celebrate an anniversary on a different date, but I really enjoyed celebrating mine ON the date, on the REAL date. With just us. Later anniversaries, eh, who cares.

So I'd be a little hurt, but I don't think I'd truly consider it completely wrong, no qualifiers.

[Sharnita]

I think it's silly to be upset by it, and I think it's petty and unreasonable to skip out on your own sibling's wedding over something like this. It's not an etiquette violation, but I'd think it was a pretty selfish way to behave, personally.

Depends on the rest of the family dynamic, but all things considered, there are 364 other days in the year for the siblings to schedule their wedding. Unless there is some kind of reason why the venue or something else is only available on that specific date, the sibling should not have scheduled it then. So if there are other family issues, then no, I don't think it's at all petty or unreasonable. I think it could easily be more 'last straw' type thing.

And yet if they switched from the original plan to Christmas. New Year, LW/DH's birthday I would guess that LW would not thank them for their choice of one of the other 364 days.