Dear Prudence: sibling "stealing" wedding date

[Poppea]

even if we take just Saturday days and Sundays as the only possible days to hold a wedding there are 7 other days that month alone that this couple could have held their engagement party and wedding. If they wanted to. The significance of a distant family members anniversary should not be give the same weight as a brother's first anniversary because most people are not going to be too upset if an aunt or a cousin does not show up to an engagement party ( or even a wedding) but they will be if a sibling declines. Nor is anyone else going to feel the same weight of obligation to attend as a sibling.
   Also in 2014 the only holidays that border weekends are July 4th, Labor Day and Memorial Day ( and of Course Easter) each is either a Friday or a Monday  so that still leaves 6 other possible days that month alone and 98 other days that they could choose from.  My Hinkey alarm is really going off.

If they want to, if the venue was available, if the HC had no other commitments or obligations those evenings, if there were not other family members with important dates, if the officiant was available, if the venue was available

I'm sorry, I really think this BIL could have given more consideration to the obligations of his brother and SIL - his wedding to be and especially his engagement party are not more important than his brother's first and second anniversary.  The idea that this couple is blameless and the LW and her husband need to suck it up and deal is giving the LW the short shrift. Why are the feelings of the BIL and his girl friend so much more important than those of the LW and her husband? 
  I would not blame the LW and her hubby one bit if they boycotted both events.

Of course they are more important.  Duh.  Their wedding vs siblings anniversary.  Your own wedding always wins.  Its not like anyone is invited to celebrate the anniversary anyway.  So the sibling doesn't go to the engagement party?  So what.  Boycotting your sibling's wedding becasue its your wedding date?  A sibling close enough that he was your best man?  What a baby

Interesting that you have make your point by calling names.....

What name?
I didn't call anyone a name.

[WillyNilly]

The LW will be send another note to Prudie in a few years.

Dear Prudence'

My SIL is expecting a baby in a few weeks.  They have chosen the name (fill in any name on top ten list).  I am besides myself.  We aren't planning to have children for a few more years, but I have always loved that name and have planned on naming my own child X.  Although I never told her this was my baby name, I think its unfair for her to use it.  Should I let her know that I am upset?  Or just boycott the christening?

Totally not comparable. The date isn't the LW's secret maybe someday dream date, its her less than a year ago already carved in stone anniversary.

Second, you figure that in general most people want to wed on a Saturday.  It is obviously OK to choose a different date but to avoid work conflicst, allow travel time, etc. Saturday seems to be the only option that makes sense for a lot of couples.

How does this play into anything?  The couple is planning on May 11 2014 - a Sunday.

A would assume that the letter writer changed the date.  Otherwise anyone reading the column would know who wrote it.

Regardless - pick any date - its never going to hit on a Saturday 3 years in a row.

[Poppea]

Please check your definitions before you make accusations.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/duh

[SiotehCat]

Please check your definitions before you make accusations.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/duh

Im pretty sure that the poster is talking about the "what a baby" part of your post. Maybe I am wrong.

[Poppea]

The LW will be send another note to Prudie in a few years.

Dear Prudence'

My SIL is expecting a baby in a few weeks.  They have chosen the name (fill in any name on top ten list).  I am besides myself.  We aren't planning to have children for a few more years, but I have always loved that name and have planned on naming my own child X.  Although I never told her this was my baby name, I think its unfair for her to use it.  Should I let her know that I am upset?  Or just boycott the christening?

Totally not comparable. The date isn't the LW's secret maybe someday dream date, its her less than a year ago already carved in stone anniversary.

Second, you figure that in general most people want to wed on a Saturday.  It is obviously OK to choose a different date but to avoid work conflicst, allow travel time, etc. Saturday seems to be the only option that makes sense for a lot of couples.

How does this play into anything?  The couple is planning on May 11 2014 - a Sunday.

A would assume that the letter writer changed the date.  Otherwise anyone reading the column would know who wrote it.

Regardless - pick any date - its never going to hit on a Saturday 3 years in a row.

My point about the baby name is that the LW seems to think its all about her.  The date for the engagement and wedding are probablyy very special to the bride/groom.  And just as you cannot claim a baby name you can't call dibs on a weddings date forever.  Sure it will always be special to you, but noone else will remember its your date or care.

[Poppea]

Please check your definitions before you make accusations.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/duh

Im pretty sure that the poster is talking about the "what a baby" part of your post. Maybe I am wrong.

Since I was referring to someone who boycotts a wedding because its on their second anniversary, I did not think Snowdragon would take that personally.  Snowdragon - I was calling anyone who boycotts the wedding for their best man/sibling because its on their second anniversary a baby.  Not you.

Thanks for the clarification.

[SiotehCat]

Please check your definitions before you make accusations.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/duh

Im pretty sure that the poster is talking about the "what a baby" part of your post. Maybe I am wrong.

Since I was referring to someone who boycotts a wedding because its on their second anniversary, I did not think Snowdragon would take that personally.

Well, its their anniversary. I can't blame them for wanting to celebrate their anniversary.

The brother and fiance can choose whatever day they want for their wedding and engagement party, but the LW does not have to attend. The LW and her husband can decline the invitation because they already have plans for those days.

[Sharnita]

I don't think anyone blames them for wanting to celebrate their anniversary.  I do think there are some who think there are more than one way to celebrate so being at a party doesn't automatically mean you aren't celebrating the anniversary.

[Aeris]

Please check your definitions before you make accusations.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/duh

Im pretty sure that the poster is talking about the "what a baby" part of your post. Maybe I am wrong.

Since I was referring to someone who boycotts a wedding because its on their second anniversary, I did not think Snowdragon would take that personally.

Well, its their anniversary. I can't blame them for wanting to celebrate their anniversary.

The brother and fiance can choose whatever day they want for their wedding and engagement party, but the LW does not have to attend. The LW and her husband can decline the invitation because they already have plans for those days.

They could also decline because they don't like the main course the HC is serving, or because they find the centerpieces unattractive, but that would still be petty and selfish. It's not an etiquette violation, but it's still a relationship fail.

And before anyone flips their lid, no, I'm not saying these situations are perfectly identical in every way. I'm making the point that people can decline for any reason they like, but that doesn't protect them from other people deciding their reasons for declining are unreasonable.

[Poppea]

Please check your definitions before you make accusations.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/duh

Im pretty sure that the poster is talking about the "what a baby" part of your post. Maybe I am wrong.

Since I was referring to someone who boycotts a wedding because its on their second anniversary, I did not think Snowdragon would take that personally.

Well, its their anniversary. I can't blame them for wanting to celebrate their anniversary.

The brother and fiance can choose whatever day they want for their wedding and engagement party, but the LW does not have to attend. The LW and her husband can decline the invitation because they already have plans for those days.

I think it fine to decline.  Be prepared for whatever fallout there may be in the family.  But "boycott" is far harsher than "decline".  Boycott implies a protest and expressing disapproval.  Its a very negative action.  Far harsher than declining. 

[SiotehCat]

I don't think anyone blames them for wanting to celebrate their anniversary.  I do think there are some who think there are more than one way to celebrate so being at a party doesn't automatically mean you aren't celebrating the anniversary.

Oh, I agree.

My comment was more about the "boycotting" response.

My point was more that, if they didn't want to attend so that they could celebrate their own anniversary, they didn't have to. It would still be viewed as boycotting the wedding, but they would technically be fine to do that.

[Eeep!]

Many moons ago my DH and I celebrated our 1st anniversary by staying a the same place we spent the first night of our honeymoon.  It was really special for us and important that is was on the date.  Subsequent anniversaries haven't been as important.  Heck, this year we had a 7 month old and a 3 year old and had take-out Thai after they went to bed.   But, the first? Yeah, I wouldn't want to spend it at someone else's engagement party.  So I can understand the write'rs point with that.

As to expecting someone to remember the date? I am terrible with dates. I sometimes get our anniversary mixed up with the previous weekend that we were also considereing. heh. So I don't know that I would necessarily expect the brother to remember the exact date. However, I would think that he would remember the month and that it might occur to him to look up when his brother's wedding was. But I can't necessarily fault him for not doing that.

So I think the LW's husband would be fine telling his brother "Hey, sorry about your engagement party but we already have plans as it is our anniversary."  If there isn't some sort of rivalry between the brothers, I would hope that would be understood.

Although the cynical side of me wonders how the brother would feel if the situation was reversed. The date is clearly important to him. Would he be willing to spend his first and second anniversaries celebrating someone else's marriage?  Who knows...

[Poppea]

The trouble with "boycotting" anything is that it can come back to bite you.  You will have poisoned the relationship.  They have every right to not attend.  And the HC has every right to not invite them to any further celebrations and events in their life.  Or attend their events in their events in the future.  It can start a cascade of ill will. 

If my SIL had "boycotted" my wedding because of her second anniversary, I certainly wouldn't have been in any hurry to attend any christenings graduations or holidays for her family. 

If there isn't an etiquette rule about making an extra effort to attend the weddings of those who have been in your wedding party, there certainly should be.  Its really common decency that if someone has put themselves out timewise and financially that you should at least try to reciprocate

[Poppea]

Many moons ago my DH and I celebrated our 1st anniversary by staying a the same place we spent the first night of our honeymoon.  It was really special for us and important that is was on the date.  Subsequent anniversaries haven't been as important.  Heck, this year we had a 7 month old and a 3 year old and had take-out Thai after they went to bed.   But, the first? Yeah, I wouldn't want to spend it at someone else's engagement party.  So I can understand the write'rs point with that.

As to expecting someone to remember the date? I am terrible with dates. I sometimes get our anniversary mixed up with the previous weekend that we were also considereing. heh. So I don't know that I would necessarily expect the brother to remember the exact date. However, I would think that he would remember the month and that it might occur to him to look up when his brother's wedding was. But I can't necessarily fault him for not doing that.

So I think the LW's husband would be fine telling his brother "Hey, sorry about your engagement party but we already have plans as it is our anniversary."  If there isn't some sort of rivalry between the brothers, I would hope that would be understood.

Although the cynical side of me wonders how the brother would feel if the situation was reversed. The date is clearly important to him. Would he be willing to spend his first and second anniversaries celebrating someone else's marriage?  Who knows...

If the date is really important to him, then he already spent it celebrating his brother's marriage last year.

[SiotehCat]

The trouble with "boycotting" anything is that it can come back to bite you.  You will have poisoned the relationship.  They have every right to not attend.  And the HC has every right to not invite them to any further celebrations and events in their life.  Or attend their events in their events in the future.  It can start a cascade of ill will. 

True, but that could also be the trouble with picking the same wedding date as your brother.