Dear Prudence: sibling "stealing" wedding date

[TootsNYC]

I think it's silly to be upset by it, and I think it's petty and unreasonable to skip out on your own sibling's wedding over something like this. It's not an etiquette violation, but I'd think it was a pretty selfish way to behave, personally.

Depends on the rest of the family dynamic, but all things considered, there are 364 other days in the year for the siblings to schedule their wedding. Unless there is some kind of reason why the venue or something else is only available on that specific date, the sibling should not have scheduled it then. So if there are other family issues, then no, I don't think it's at all petty or unreasonable. I think it could easily be more 'last straw' type thing.

 And yet if they switched from the original plan to Christmas. New Year, LW/DH's birthday I would guess that LW would not thank them for their choice of one of the other 364 days.

Ha, ha!

So, let's subtract:

365 - Christmas - Christmas Eve - New Year's Eve - New Year's Eve Day - Thanksgiving Eve - Thanksgiving - Black Friday - Easter - Good Friday - Holy Saturday - Maundy Thursday - LW's bday - LW DH's bday = 352

If the family is Jewish, then the Easter holidays might not be as bad a time, but you'd have stuff like Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur to work around.

(Though to be fair, the LW might be far less upset about the idea of a wedding on her b'day than she is about a wedding on her wedding anniversary day.)

[snowdragon]

I think it's silly to be upset by it, and I think it's petty and unreasonable to skip out on your own sibling's wedding over something like this. It's not an etiquette violation, but I'd think it was a pretty selfish way to behave, personally.

Depends on the rest of the family dynamic, but all things considered, there are 364 other days in the year for the siblings to schedule their wedding. Unless there is some kind of reason why the venue or something else is only available on that specific date, the sibling should not have scheduled it then. So if there are other family issues, then no, I don't think it's at all petty or unreasonable. I think it could easily be more 'last straw' type thing.

And yet if they switched from the original plan to Christmas. New Year, LW/DH's birthday I would guess that LW would not thank them for their choice of one of the other 364 days.

possibly no thank them but I'd bet she'd be a lot less upset than this.

[flowersintheattic]

I somewhat disagree with Prudie...but I also don't 100% agree with the LW. 

First, the LW's feelings, I think, are totally reasonable.  I too would be upset if I had to spend my first wedding anniversary at my BIL's engagement party and my second wedding anniversary at their wedding.  I don't really think it's too unreasonable for them to choose to skip the engagement party and spend their first anniversary celebrating together...on their actual anniversary.  If they aren't demanding the date be changed and remain all about them (and the LW does admit she doesn't own the date), then I think she's fine to feel how she feels and skip the engagement party.

I agree with this.  I'm also wondering if there's some back story with rivalry between the two brothers.  I can understand the best man/future groom not remembering that his brother got married on a specific date, but then to plan not only his engagement party but also his wedding for that specific date seems a bit too much of a coincidence to me.

I don't blame the LW for being a bit taken aback over it, but there's nothing she can do about that date.  I think she and her husband should go ahead and skip the engagement party and celebrate their first wedding anniversary how they want.

It's a pity the LW or husband isn't on eHell so we could find out if there is more to the story!

The bolded is what's bothering me about this. I tend to remember dates pretty easily, so it's hard for me to believe that the brother doesn't remember the date of a wedding he was in nine months ago, but I'm sure it's possible. But to plan two events on someone's anniversary in the two years immediately following their wedding? It sets off my hinky meter. Whether it's the LW or the brother being shady, though, is unknown.

And, I agree with PPs who are a little miffed with Prudie's attitude on anniversaries. Just because it's not special to her doesn't mean it's not special to anyone else. I think the LW's husband should let his brother know that they won't be able to make the engagement party, since it's their anniversary, but I do think they should attend the wedding.

[Snooks]

I don't expect my brother remembers my anniversary and he was one of our witnesses. I'm surprised that the parents haven't said anything. I think  LW is perfectly fine not to go to the party.

[Deetee]

The other thing is that any wedding with a decent size guest list is going overlap with a special day for the guests. Let's say 150 guests gives
-150 birthdays
-450 birthdays of close friends and family (giving each guest 3 close friends/family)
-30 wedding anniversaries (I'll go with 60 married guests)
- 30 anniversaries of deaths/sad events (approximently)
-20 graduations (or graduations of direct relatives)
-100 plus days that one CANNOT miss from work

And I haven't even touched on the fact that most people celebrate these events on weekends, not on the day of and that weddings (with travel) often take up a few days and that wedding "season" bunches up some of these (almost all weddings I attend are in the summer).

Even if we limit it to the bride, groom, bridal party and parents/very close relatives there are likely 25 people who have schedules and preferences that are going to be accomadated.

The bride and groom can consider their options and pick their date  and location and everyone else can accept or decline as they see fit.

So no, I see no reason for the letter writer to complain that 2 years after her wedding, there will be another wedding.  [If she thinks her anniversary is more important, she is welcome to decline. If this was a friend of mine, I would hope she would decline (and maybe all future invites as well-that sounds like someone who needs different friends than me)]

[Redneck Gravy]

I somewhat disagree with Prudie...but I also don't 100% agree with the LW. 

First, the LW's feelings, I think, are totally reasonable.  I too would be upset if I had to spend my first wedding anniversary at my BIL's engagement party and my second wedding anniversary at their wedding.  I don't really think it's too unreasonable for them to choose to skip the engagement party and spend their first anniversary celebrating together...on their actual anniversary.  If they aren't demanding the date be changed and remain all about them (and the LW does admit she doesn't own the date), then I think she's fine to feel how she feels and skip the engagement party.

I agree with this.  I'm also wondering if there's some back story with rivalry between the two brothers.  I can understand the best man/future groom not remembering that his brother got married on a specific date, but then to plan not only his engagement party but also his wedding for that specific date seems a bit too much of a coincidence to me.

I don't blame the LW for being a bit taken aback over it, but there's nothing she can do about that date.  I think she and her husband should go ahead and skip the engagement party and celebrate their first wedding anniversary how they want.

It's a pity the LW or husband isn't on eHell so we could find out if there is more to the story!

The bolded is what's bothering me about this. I tend to remember dates pretty easily, so it's hard for me to believe that the brother doesn't remember the date of a wedding he was in nine months ago, but I'm sure it's possible. But to plan two events on someone's anniversary in the two years immediately following their wedding? It sets off my hinky meter. Whether it's the LW or the brother being shady, though, is unknown.

And, I agree with PPs who are a little miffed with Prudie's attitude on anniversaries. Just because it's not special to her doesn't mean it's not special to anyone else. I think the LW's husband should let his brother know that they won't be able to make the engagement party, since it's their anniversary, but I do think they should attend the wedding.

This !  me too

[Eden]

I think it's a little weird and crappy to use the exact same wedding date as a sibling. But I don't think it's worth making a fuss. Maybe it's because I've been with my husband 15+ years so some of the "newness" has worn off, but I don't understand why the letter writer can't celebrate their anniversary the day before or after and suck it up and go support the new couple. We rarely celebrate on our actual anniversary, but rather on the next convenient weekend.

[WillyNilly]

The other thing is that any wedding with a decent size guest list is going overlap with a special day for the guests. Let's say 150 guests gives
-150 birthdays
-450 birthdays of close friends and family (giving each guest 3 close friends/family)
-30 wedding anniversaries (I'll go with 60 married guests)
- 30 anniversaries of deaths/sad events (approximently)
-20 graduations (or graduations of direct relatives)
-100 plus days that one CANNOT miss from work

And I haven't even touched on the fact that most people celebrate these events on weekends, not on the day of and that weddings (with travel) often take up a few days and that wedding "season" bunches up some of these (almost all weddings I attend are in the summer).

Even if we limit it to the bride, groom, bridal party and parents/very close relatives there are likely 25 people who have schedules and preferences that are going to be accomadated.

The bride and groom can consider their options and pick their date  and location and everyone else can accept or decline as they see fit.

So no, I see no reason for the letter writer to complain that 2 years after her wedding, there will be another wedding.  [If she thinks her anniversary is more important, she is welcome to decline. If this was a friend of mine, I would hope she would decline (and maybe all future invites as well-that sounds like someone who needs different friends than me)]

But do really not see the difference between a date that important to a sibling - one you are close enough to stand up for at their wedding - and your cousin you see 2x a year or a friend?

The average wedding guest shows up 5-15 minutes pre-ceremony, and has no major obligations at the reception.  However a close sibling, possibly in the wedding party generally has stuff going on the day of their sibling's wedding from the time they wake up, with more getting ready and showing up earlier, and photo obligations, heck probably even a rehearsal the night before, they might have a part in the ceremony, maybe they need to wear a specific outfit chosen by the couple, they might even sit at a separate table from their spouse for dinner and have to have their first dance of the evening with a person other then their spouse, etc.

I think its reasonable for the brother to not have remembered the exact date the LW got married... but really would it have been so difficult to look at a calendar or ask the LW's DH, or their parents?  I mean it hasn't even been a year since the wedding - its not like its trying to remember the exact date of something that happened decades ago!

[Sharnita]

So I have 3 siblings who all have anniversaries, let's say I married a a guy with at least a couple of siblings, then there are our parents and their anniversaries.  Then there are family birthdays and big holidays.  As somebody mentioned there might be at least a few weekends where work would make it impossible.  I think even if you cede dates to "close" family it  is far too limiting, and that is before you even know what days the venue, officiant, etc. are available.

[NyaChan]

I know that it can be difficult to schedule around a lot of anniversaries and it would build up, but surely one sibling's first anniversary wouldn't be impossible.  For me the sticking point in saying that she can just celebrate another day is that it is often preceded by, well I've been married a while and I've never minded - This couple hasn't been married for a while, they are at less than a year, they are newlyweds.  It is still a big deal to them.  That is not to say that the brother should have to schedule around it, he doesn't.  But he should accept that the consequence of that is that his brother won't be there. 

[oogyda]

Honestly, I really wouldn't care.  It's just not that big of a deal as I do believe anniversaries are really only special to the couple. 

But, when other people make it a big deal, it can be very irksome.  My neice (sister's DD) planned her wedding for my anniversary.  Quite deliberately, expecting it to make some sort of special *thing* between us (which my mother encouraged ).  That was never going to happen. 

Neice and I were/are not close. 
I don't/didn't condone many of her life choices.
Her fiance had been around for years (living together...not one of the choices I disapproved of) and, frankly, he made my skin crawl.

Other issues were that it's a very inconvenient time of year.  It closely follows a major holiday that people travel for, making it expensive and difficult to get time off for.  They invited YDD (17) to be a bridesmaid.  No problem, but I suspect they thought that would ensure that we all came.  YDD had a huge event that we had to plan and execute the following weekend.  She was taking a leadership office in an international organization that required a ceremony and reception to plan.  We put YDD on a plane, let her be a bridesmaid (and celebrate her 17the birthday) , while I planned her event and celebrated my own anniversary. 

This was kind of a case of "I really don't care.  Quit expecting me to."

[*inviteseller]

I think the LW has every reason to be miffed.  If her wedding had been more than just last May 11, then maybe they forgot the date.  But this just seems so deliberate...engagement party one year and wedding the next.  But, I would put on my best face, go to the engagement party for awhile, then leave quietly as possible to go celebrate with hubby.  And I would go to the wedding and just smile, smile, smile, because eventually, all the family is going to catch on that the second couple keeps planning everything for the same day and will start to wonder about copy catting.

[Garden Goblin]

Unless there is some kind of reason why the venue or something else is only available on that specific date, the sibling should not have scheduled it then. So if there are other family issues, then no, I don't think it's at all petty or unreasonable. I think it could easily be more 'last straw' type thing.

And yet if they switched from the original plan to Christmas. New Year, LW/DH's birthday I would guess that LW would not thank them for their choice of one of the other 364 days.
[/quote]

Okay, so there are only about 330 other days they can choose from.  Point still stands.  There are at 7 other weekend dates that month alone.

[Docslady21]

When you think about it, the number of days on which one can be married are actually quite limited. They are limited by the following:

Weekends vs. Weekdays--one is going to have more attendance
Sunday vs. Saturday vs. Friday
Weather--if it's outdoors, you need to plan for a mild season; if that is only 1 or 2 months, then you are actually looking at 6 possible weekends, maybe 8
Holidays--scheduling on one is going to limit attendance
Price--off season or pre-season gives better rates
Other Family--maybe the parents can only attend at a certain time, maybe someone is sick
Pregnancy
Career
Moving
Venue Availability
Savings
Bad Dates--anniversary of divorce, death of loved one, previous marriage anniversary, death of child ...

So, it's quite possible the couple looked at the calendar and decided it worked with no ill will whatsoever.

[Sharnita]

ell, yes, there are 330 days if we believe they should be having their wedding on a Tuesday or Thursday before they tread on the sacred ground of using the same date as LW.  I am not sure a lot of people would agree with with that.

And we don't know that there are 7 weekend dates that month.  We don't know what other "special days" family members are celebrating that month.  We don't know when the venue was available.  We don't know a whole lot so assuming they could do it all these differerent days seems pretty presumptuous.