Dear Prudence: sibling "stealing" wedding date

[Margo]

I can very easily believe that the brother forgot the date of his brother's wedding. I was bridesmaid for my sister less than 6 months ago and if you asked me to tell you the date it took place I'd have to stop and think about it, and I am generally good with dates. The event and the individuals concerned were, and are, very important to me, but the specific date? Not so much.

Also, it sounds as though neither LW nor her husband have actually said anything to Brother about the clash, so they don't know whether or not he remembered, or whether he and his bride would be able to move the engagement party.

I think they'd be fine to decline attending the party and to explain that this was because they already had plans for celebrating their own 1st anniversary that day. But I also think that for something as important as a sibling's wedding (and apparently the brothers are close enough that H asked his brother to be best man), LW and her husband should be prepared to go to the wedding even if that means that celebrating their **2nd** anniversary takes a back seat.

[cutejellybeen]

I got married last year. when it came to choosing dates in June for me there weren't many options, too early -I could still be cold, and the second weekend my cousin had gotten married the year before, so I ruled that out. that left June 16th and June 23rd. As I wanted the later part of the month I chose the 23rd. Before I booked anything I asked our parents, and our siblings if that date was okay for them or a conflict. Turns out it was my husbands parents anniversary. I asked if they minded "sharing" and they said okay. Had they had an issue I would have privately pouted, but I would have changed the date.  I guess even if the brother didnt remember the date a sibling got married, I would have thought he would have asked around to make sure dates worked for the family. Perhaps not for the engagement party, but certainly for a wedding!

[snowdragon]

even if we take just Saturday days and Sundays as the only possible days to hold a wedding there are 7 other days that month alone that this couple could have held their engagement party and wedding. If they wanted to. The significance of a distant family members anniversary should not be give the same weight as a brother's first anniversary because most people are not going to be too upset if an aunt or a cousin does not show up to an engagement party ( or even a wedding) but they will be if a sibling declines. Nor is anyone else going to feel the same weight of obligation to attend as a sibling.
   Also in 2014 the only holidays that border weekends are July 4th, Labor Day and Memorial Day ( and of Course Easter) each is either a Friday or a Monday  so that still leaves 6 other possible days that month alone and 98 other days that they could choose from.  My Hinkey alarm is really going off.

[Sharnita]

even if we take just Saturday days and Sundays as the only possible days to hold a wedding there are 7 other days that month alone that this couple could have held their engagement party and wedding. If they wanted to. The significance of a distant family members anniversary should not be give the same weight as a brother's first anniversary because most people are not going to be too upset if an aunt or a cousin does not show up to an engagement party ( or even a wedding) but they will be if a sibling declines. Nor is anyone else going to feel the same weight of obligation to attend as a sibling.
   Also in 2014 the only holidays that border weekends are July 4th, Labor Day and Memorial Day ( and of Course Easter) each is either a Friday or a Monday  so that still leaves 6 other possible days that month alone and 98 other days that they could choose from.  My Hinkey alarm is really going off.

If they want to, if the venue was available, if the HC had no other commitments or obligations those evenings, if there were not other family members with important dates, if the officiant was available, if the venue was available

[fountainof]

My sister got married on the same weekend 4 years later from my wedding.  We don't have the exact same anniversary but they are only two days off, mine the 3rd, hers the 5th.  My Dh and I never had an issue spending our anniversary at a wedding in the next province, I never really thought about it much. 

In my area there really aren't 12 months to get married as no one marries from Nov-Apr, it is just too cold.  Okay maybe a couple people do get married but not many that is for sure.  So wedding season is just 6 months long.

[bah12]

To me, to have a wedding on the anniversary of an engagement party, I would assume that they are purposely picking that date for some reason.  Whether it's because they want to "steal" the date from the LW or because that date hold some special significance for them as a couple (like did they by chance meet on that date, start dating on that date, etc), we'll never know.  But it doesn't really matter.

For me, the LW is more than justified to miss the engagement party and celebrate her first wedding anniversay instead.  I think that she should definitely attend the wedding.

[lady_disdain]

I can very easily believe that the brother forgot the date of his brother's wedding. I was bridesmaid for my sister less than 6 months ago and if you asked me to tell you the date it took place I'd have to stop and think about it, and I am generally good with dates. The event and the individuals concerned were, and are, very important to me, but the specific date? Not so much.

Count me in. My sister married last year and I was her witness. My cousin got married the following day (fun, fun weekend). But I really can't remember the date. I think it was the 17th or 19th of October but when I first thought about it, I was guessing September.

Unless there is a lot more backstory, I would go for "didn't even think about it" over petty revenge.

[snowdragon]

even if we take just Saturday days and Sundays as the only possible days to hold a wedding there are 7 other days that month alone that this couple could have held their engagement party and wedding. If they wanted to. The significance of a distant family members anniversary should not be give the same weight as a brother's first anniversary because most people are not going to be too upset if an aunt or a cousin does not show up to an engagement party ( or even a wedding) but they will be if a sibling declines. Nor is anyone else going to feel the same weight of obligation to attend as a sibling.
   Also in 2014 the only holidays that border weekends are July 4th, Labor Day and Memorial Day ( and of Course Easter) each is either a Friday or a Monday  so that still leaves 6 other possible days that month alone and 98 other days that they could choose from.  My Hinkey alarm is really going off.

If they want to, if the venue was available, if the HC had no other commitments or obligations those evenings, if there were not other family members with important dates, if the officiant was available, if the venue was available

I'm sorry, I really think this BIL could have given more consideration to the obligations of his brother and SIL - his wedding to be and especially his engagement party are not more important than his brother's first and second anniversary.   The idea that this couple is blameless and the LW and her husband need to suck it up and deal is giving the LW the short shrift. Why are the feelings of the BIL and his girl friend so much more important than those of the LW and her husband? 
  I would not blame the LW and her hubby one bit if they boycotted both events.

[lady_disdain]

Boycott? That is harsh! They may politely decline to go, if they wish, but boycotting is over top.

What most people are saying is that the couple had the right to choose that date. That doesn't mean the LW has to go to the wedding, though.

[Poppea]

Second, you figure that in general most people want to wed on a Saturday.  It is obviously OK to choose a different date but to avoid work conflicst, allow travel time, etc. Saturday seems to be the only option that makes sense for a lot of couples.

How does this play into anything?  The couple is planning on May 11 2014 - a Sunday.

A would assume that the letter writer changed the date.  Otherwise anyone reading the column would know who wrote it.

[Poppea]

even if we take just Saturday days and Sundays as the only possible days to hold a wedding there are 7 other days that month alone that this couple could have held their engagement party and wedding. If they wanted to. The significance of a distant family members anniversary should not be give the same weight as a brother's first anniversary because most people are not going to be too upset if an aunt or a cousin does not show up to an engagement party ( or even a wedding) but they will be if a sibling declines. Nor is anyone else going to feel the same weight of obligation to attend as a sibling.
   Also in 2014 the only holidays that border weekends are July 4th, Labor Day and Memorial Day ( and of Course Easter) each is either a Friday or a Monday  so that still leaves 6 other possible days that month alone and 98 other days that they could choose from.  My Hinkey alarm is really going off.

If they want to, if the venue was available, if the HC had no other commitments or obligations those evenings, if there were not other family members with important dates, if the officiant was available, if the venue was available

I'm sorry, I really think this BIL could have given more consideration to the obligations of his brother and SIL - his wedding to be and especially his engagement party are not more important than his brother's first and second anniversary.  The idea that this couple is blameless and the LW and her husband need to suck it up and deal is giving the LW the short shrift. Why are the feelings of the BIL and his girl friend so much more important than those of the LW and her husband? 
  I would not blame the LW and her hubby one bit if they boycotted both events.

Of course they are more important.  Duh.  Their wedding vs siblings anniversary.  Your own wedding always wins.  Its not like anyone is invited to celebrate the anniversary anyway.  So the sibling doesn't go to the engagement party?  So what.  Boycotting your sibling's wedding becasue its your wedding date?  A sibling close enough that he was your best man?  What a baby

[Arrynne]

I would probably feel the same way as the letter writer.  While the LW doesn't -own- the date, it's still a little odd that her in-law would choose the same date to be married just a few years later.  I would probably skip the engagement party as that would be the LW's first anniversary, and go to the wedding.

[Poppea]

The LW will be send another note to Prudie in a few years.

Dear Prudence'

My SIL is expecting a baby in a few weeks.  They have chosen the name (fill in any name on top ten list).  I am besides myself.  We aren't planning to have children for a few more years, but I have always loved that name and have planned on naming my own child X.  Although I never told her this was my baby name, I think its unfair for her to use it.  Should I let her know that I am upset?  Or just boycott the christening?

[snowdragon]

even if we take just Saturday days and Sundays as the only possible days to hold a wedding there are 7 other days that month alone that this couple could have held their engagement party and wedding. If they wanted to. The significance of a distant family members anniversary should not be give the same weight as a brother's first anniversary because most people are not going to be too upset if an aunt or a cousin does not show up to an engagement party ( or even a wedding) but they will be if a sibling declines. Nor is anyone else going to feel the same weight of obligation to attend as a sibling.
   Also in 2014 the only holidays that border weekends are July 4th, Labor Day and Memorial Day ( and of Course Easter) each is either a Friday or a Monday  so that still leaves 6 other possible days that month alone and 98 other days that they could choose from.  My Hinkey alarm is really going off.

If they want to, if the venue was available, if the HC had no other commitments or obligations those evenings, if there were not other family members with important dates, if the officiant was available, if the venue was available

I'm sorry, I really think this BIL could have given more consideration to the obligations of his brother and SIL - his wedding to be and especially his engagement party are not more important than his brother's first and second anniversary.  The idea that this couple is blameless and the LW and her husband need to suck it up and deal is giving the LW the short shrift. Why are the feelings of the BIL and his girl friend so much more important than those of the LW and her husband? 
  I would not blame the LW and her hubby one bit if they boycotted both events.

Of course they are more important.  Duh.  Their wedding vs siblings anniversary.  Your own wedding always wins.  Its not like anyone is invited to celebrate the anniversary anyway.  So the sibling doesn't go to the engagement party?  So what.  Boycotting your sibling's wedding becasue its your wedding date?  A sibling close enough that he was your best man?  What a baby

Interesting that you have make your point by calling names.....

[fountainof]

In my case, I don't recall if my sister ever consulted me about her wedding date choice.  Maybe I should ask her.  I certainly didn't care as it didn't steal any kind of thunder.

Would the date be okay if the BIL chose May 9th or 10th or is that whole week off limits indefinately?

Maybe, just maybe I would skip the engagment party (probably just because I don't feel engagement parties are necessary) but I would go to the wedding and quietly think of my own anniversary there.