Dear Prudence: sibling "stealing" wedding date

[RingTailedLemur]

I'm not sure how "upset" I would be, but I would certainly be very weirded out.

[Shortylicious]

Personally I wouldn't get too worked up about this. I did plan a special date for my one year anniversary so if someone in my family planned a party that day, I'd decline and not feel guilty about it at all. I would go to the wedding though. Family weddings are a big deal to me. Two year anniversary wouldn't be enough to keep me from going.

[Poppea]

The trouble with "boycotting" anything is that it can come back to bite you.  You will have poisoned the relationship.  They have every right to not attend.  And the HC has every right to not invite them to any further celebrations and events in their life.  Or attend their events in their events in the future.  It can start a cascade of ill will. 

True, but that could also be the trouble with picking the same wedding date as your brother.

Agreed.  But I think there is some stuff you have to just deal with.  Engagement party vs First Anniversary.  I think its fine to decline.  Sibling Wedding vs Second Anniversary?  I think its not just the sibling that is affected.  If I heard about anyone boycotting a sibling wedding becasue it their anniversary, I would really wonder about their maturity. 

[TootsNYC]

To me, to have a wedding on the anniversary of an engagement party, I would assume that they are purposely picking that date for some reason.  Whether it's because they want to "steal" the date from the LW or because that date hold some special significance for them as a couple (like did they by chance meet on that date, start dating on that date, etc), we'll never know.  But it doesn't really matter.

For me, the LW is more than justified to miss the engagement party and celebrate her first wedding anniversay instead.  I think that she should definitely attend the wedding.

I agree.

If only because the 2nd wedding anniversary wasn't nearly as important to me. But the first one was.

And I also hope everyone has gone to read the original letter. The letter write is not actually that unreasonable.

[*inviteseller]

I think this poor letter writer is getting flack for wanting to celebrate her anniversary with her husband.  Some people do not care about their anniversaries or are ok celebrating whenever they get a chance.  The LW wants to celebrate her first anniversary with her husband, not at a party for BIL.   I don't think her feelings are wrong.

[Two Ravens]

Presumably, she'd be with her husband at the engagement party...

She wants to be alone with her husband to celebrate their anniversary? That's great, she can do it before or after the party (she could even leave early or come late.) She seems to want the whole day to be just for them though.

[Sharnita]

I do agree that that seems like a reasonable option but also the reality is she isn't writing that her concern is really the 1st anniversary and that she wouldn't mind attending the wedding so much.

[Two Ravens]

From the letter it sounds like she has already decided to skip the party.

We know an engagement party can be skipped, and we will skip it because it's our first wedding anniversary.

But it seems she is seriously considering skipping the wedding as well.

[Judah]

I think this poor letter writer is getting flack for wanting to celebrate her anniversary with her husband.  Some people do not care about their anniversaries or are ok celebrating whenever they get a chance.  The LW wants to celebrate her first anniversary with her husband, not at a party for BIL.   I don't think her feelings are wrong.

The vibe I got from the letter was that she wanted the date to be hers and her husbands in perpetuity. I think that's unreasonable. I understand wanting to celebrate her first anniversary with her husband and skipping the party. I can't understand skipping the wedding to celebrate the second anniversary. Nor can I understand dates being off limits for people to have their wedding on. I don't understand that at all. And I don't understand what she wants the BIL to do. Should he change the proposed date of his wedding to suit the LW? I don't think that's reasonable.

[Redneck Gravy]

I would like to make a lot of assumptions here...

Assume BIL asks his fiancee to marry him, she says yes and would love a May wedding.  She picks May 11th (for whatever reason she has)  BIL knows his brother got married last May but truly doesn't remember the date so he agrees (after all the first thing you want to agree on with your future mate is the date of your wedding right?)

BIL & Fiancee assume it's a good date.  We don't know how much time has passed between this announcement and the letter to Prudence.  Could have been yesterday or months ago...I understand LW's annoyance (and she is the first one to say I don't own that date) but truthfully other than the engagement party what's the problem?  LW and hubby can celebrate their first anniversary earlier than the engagement party (same day) and attend the engagement party or celebrate their anniversary on a different day or they can skip the engagement party.  I see no excuse for missing BIL's wedding.  Surely BIL will understand skipping the engagement party since he is now heading into matrimony himself.     

AFter BIL wedding, in future years both HC's can celebrate their anniversaries together or separately.  LW is going to learn through the years that no couple can celebrate their anniversary on the exact date EVERY year (if that means going out to do something special - obviously they could do something special together at home).   

Ideally, BIL would have remembered that his brothers wedding was May 11th the previous year and discouraged financee from that date but what else could he have done? And unless someone immediately said hey that's your brother's anniversary, you might want to rethink that date, BIL is kinda stuck KWIM?

[Poppea]

I think this poor letter writer is getting flack for wanting to celebrate her anniversary with her husband.  Some people do not care about their anniversaries or are ok celebrating whenever they get a chance.  The LW wants to celebrate her first anniversary with her husband, not at a party for BIL.   I don't think her feelings are wrong.

i don't think anyone is criticizing her about the first anniversary vs the engagement party.  Its boycotting the wedding because of the anniversary.  Why not just celebrate at lunchtime?  Or the day before.

[Bluenomi]

My step mum's youngest brother got married on SM and Dad's 20something wedding anniversay. She thought it was awesome! Dad for the CM and told a lovely story about how brother was page boy at their wedding x years ago and it nice it was to be here years later watching him get married.

They didn't realise it was SM and Dad's anniversary when they picked it, they wanted a May wedding and that was the only weekend that worked for the venue, bride, groom and their parents.

[twiggy]

Wow, Prudie really raked her over the coals. I thought the comment about no one caring about LW's anniversary until Congress makes it an official holiday was especially mean-spirited.

Even if it was a thoughtless oversight on the part of the newly engaged couple, with no malicious intent, I still don't think there's a problem with LW and her DH skipping the engagement party.

Different things are important to different people. I like celebrating my anniversary. I don't usually remember my birthday, but I make sure that we do something for the kids. For my anniversary though, I'd like to get out of town, or get a sitter and a hotel room. Something special for just me and DH. Things get crazy, and we don't get whole days to spend just the two of us very often. Um, actually almost never. LW may not have the child care issues that DH and I do, but they may very well want to go out of town, or spend the day where they had their honeymoon. A friend of mine has spent 3 of her 6 anniversary weekends at the cabins they honeymooned at, 3 hours away. You can't do that and make it to a wedding the same weekend. And in one fell swoop, LW sees her first two anniversaries 'dibsed' for BIL's wedding. If it were me, I would worry about it being a sign of exactly where I stood in my new family

[Poppea]

Okay, I just reread the original letter the LW explicitly states:

"My husband sent him an email back that it probably wasn't the best date but we would make it work if nothing else could be considered. There is no indication my brother-in-law is looking to change the dates. "

They have already told the BIL they weren't thrilled by the date  but would be there.  And now that they aren't changing the date she doesn't want to go?  Not going at this point would make them both look very childish.

[Arrynne]

My guess is the date is important to the second couple.  Total speculation here, but I bet the brother, all caught up in the excitement and romance of his brother's wedding, and them all dressed up and dancing, etc proposed to his girlfriend at his brother's wedding, and that's why the date is important (or it was their first "real" date, etc)... which should firmly put "oh that's my brother's anniversary!" in their minds.

I think you might be on to something here.