Dear Prudence: sibling "stealing" wedding date

[fountainof]

I think it is fine to decline the engagement party for a 1st anniversary.  I do think an anniversary trumps and engagement party, even if it were a second anniversary.  I think if family makes a big deal about it then just don't react.  Say, sorry we had already booked a vacation for that weekend and move on.  The wedding is different though as it the major event.  I am personally not a fan of engagement parties though so that colours my view, just get engaged and have a wedding already and stay married rather than have 10 different pre-wedding events.  Come to me after you have been married 10 years and brag about your marriage not before it even happens.

[Sharnita]

I can't imagine anybody in my family mentioning their anniversary as a potential conflict.  Pending surgery, a trip they have booked, a work obligation - those are things that might be mentioned.  Even then, there would be the understanding that the schedules and needs of the HC would the the driving factor,  If the 11th is really what works for them and somebody else will be out of town - HC will toast them and remember them fondly.

[Sophie Jenkins]

I'm honestly a little taken aback by the number of people seeming to say wrt the engagement part: "just go, celebrate your anniversary a different time."

For the wedding, absolutely. A wedding is a big deal, socially and with familial consequences for choosing to not attend because of a second anniversary. The thing to do is go and be happy for your family, and hope that in a few years it will be a sweet family joke.

But for a first anniversary? My husband and I booked a week-long trip over our first anniversary in lieu of the honeymoon we'd never had. A huge portion of the people I know scheduled private romantic weekends over their first anniversaries (whether away or at home).

I don't understand at all why the LW's husband wouldn't tell his brother that they'd have to skip the engagement party because of their anniversary, but I don't see anything wrong with letting the BIL and his fiancee know why they'll be skipping the engagement party. And it would be really nice to do something special with both couples to celebrate the engagement, anyway.

[Sharnita]

I'm honestly a little taken aback by the number of people seeming to say wrt the engagement part: "just go, celebrate your anniversary a different time."

For the wedding, absolutely. A wedding is a big deal, socially and with familial consequences for choosing to not attend because of a second anniversary. The thing to do is go and be happy for your family, and hope that in a few years it will be a sweet family joke.

But for a first anniversary? My husband and I booked a week-long trip over our first anniversary in lieu of the honeymoon we'd never had. A huge portion of the people I know scheduled private romantic weekends over their first anniversaries (whether away or at home).

I don't understand at all why the LW's husband wouldn't tell his brother that they'd have to skip the engagement party because of their anniversary, but I don't see anything wrong with letting the BIL and his fiancee know why they'll be skipping the engagement party. And it would be really nice to do something special with both couples to celebrate the engagement, anyway.

What is that number?  I actually think it is pretty small.  Some people have said, "Maybe you can go for part of the party and then go off on your own to celebrate your 1st Anniversary." (I was one of them).  A lot of people said that the LW could miss the engagement party but should attend the wedding.

[bopper]

The Letter writer could also think: Yeah, I get to share my anniversary with my sibling/inlaw.  Also, I will be dressed up and go dancing (at the reception) and have a nice dinner on my anniversary (at the wedding). 
My 25th Anniversary was the same weekend as a wedding we went to and we used the opportunity for a night out!

[bah12]

I'm honestly a little taken aback by the number of people seeming to say wrt the engagement part: "just go, celebrate your anniversary a different time."

For the wedding, absolutely. A wedding is a big deal, socially and with familial consequences for choosing to not attend because of a second anniversary. The thing to do is go and be happy for your family, and hope that in a few years it will be a sweet family joke.

But for a first anniversary? My husband and I booked a week-long trip over our first anniversary in lieu of the honeymoon we'd never had. A huge portion of the people I know scheduled private romantic weekends over their first anniversaries (whether away or at home).

I don't understand at all why the LW's husband wouldn't tell his brother that they'd have to skip the engagement party because of their anniversary, but I don't see anything wrong with letting the BIL and his fiancee know why they'll be skipping the engagement party. And it would be really nice to do something special with both couples to celebrate the engagement, anyway.

Yeah, and we should also remember that the LW is a newlywed.  My first anniversary was a very big deal to me...because it was the first one I've ever had.  And when I was a newlywed, I assumed that I'd feel that every anniversary would be just as big of a deal.  15 years later, I don't feel that exact way (two years later, I didn't feel that way), but the first year, let's just say, I wouldn't have chosen an engagement party over celebrating my anniversary. 

And I don't think that the LW (or anyone for that matter) is required to attend every single event the HC feels is necessary to celebrate their big day.  Engagement parties are nice...I don't mind them.  But I don't see them as something that I absolutely must attend...similar to showers.  If I can't go, I can't go.  A wedding is totally different and I do think the LW needs to go...regardless of it being her anniversary.  But certainly not the engagement party.  I don't think that she should make a big show of it being her anniversary.  She cand send her regrets "Sorry to miss this, but we'll be celebrating our anniversary that weekend.  Congratulations and looking forward to the wedding!"

[Two Ravens]

I'm honestly a little taken aback by the number of people seeming to say wrt the engagement part: "just go, celebrate your anniversary a different time."

For the wedding, absolutely. A wedding is a big deal, socially and with familial consequences for choosing to not attend because of a second anniversary. The thing to do is go and be happy for your family, and hope that in a few years it will be a sweet family joke.

But for a first anniversary? My husband and I booked a week-long trip over our first anniversary in lieu of the honeymoon we'd never had. A huge portion of the people I know scheduled private romantic weekends over their first anniversaries (whether away or at home).

I don't understand at all why the LW's husband wouldn't tell his brother that they'd have to skip the engagement party because of their anniversary, but I don't see anything wrong with letting the BIL and his fiancee know why they'll be skipping the engagement party. And it would be really nice to do something special with both couples to celebrate the engagement, anyway.

Booking a week-long trip, or a weekend away, or even having dinner reservations falls under the definition of "already having plans." Which is a perfectly valid reason to decline going to an engagement party.

We know an engagement party can be skipped, and we will skip it because it's our first wedding anniversary. But skipping a wedding is a different story. What would you do?

Sounds like they are already set on skipping the engagement party, despite the husband telling his brother "they would make it work," which makes it sound like there were no set plans.

Plus, the LW specifically asked what to do about the wedding, which is, at this point, over a year away.

[Susiqzer]

I would love to know if there's any back-story here! Is May 11th a special day for the entire family, is the brother clueless, or is something else going on?

In my family, any of us would be honored to share an anniversary date... I nearly got married on my brother's (6th) wedding anniversary, but friends of ours chose that date before we did.

The difference is that I knew it was his anniversary, and spoke with him and my SIL about it first while we were checking dates with our immediate families. They were THRILLED at the possibility.


But now let me tell you how my MIL ruined my first anniversary...

She made a point of asking about our plans weeks ahead of time -- dinner at the romantic restaurant where we had our first date. A few days before the date, she announced that she was holding a 50th anniversary party on that same day for DH's grandparents... except their anniversary wasn't for 2 months.

Still, since that was a lunch event and we were planning to go to dinner,  we thought we could do both. We gathered at noon, and waited for food to be served. And waited, and waited. We finally ate at 4 PM. By then we were starving, but knew that if we ate we'd ruin our dinner out.

MIL forced food upon us (it's really hard to not eat around her, particularly when starving!), DH caved, and that was that.

It was absolutely deliberate -- the rest of the family was equally confused about the rush to hold a party for the grandparents -- and ruined what could have been a special day for us.

My MIL is the kind of person who delights in creating this type of situation to exert control over her children, and it took years of spine-strengthening before we became immune!

[TurtleDove]

It would never occur to me to even make this an issue.  I am surprised how many posters are so adamant that a birthday or anniversary must be celebrated on the actual date.  To me that places more emphasis on the date than on the celebration of the event! I would want to celebrate both events - my anniversay and my siblings engagement party and wedding - and I don't see any reason why the actual dates being the same would prevent this, and I cannot imagine bringing potential familial disharmony because of this.

The way I see it, of course the LW can decide not to attend the engagement party or the wedding and not be "rude."  But as Aeris said, "It's not an etiquette violation, but it's still a relationship fail."

[Poppea]

I think it is fine to decline the engagement party for a 1st anniversary.  I do think an anniversary trumps and engagement party, even if it were a second anniversary.  I think if family makes a big deal about it then just don't react.  Say, sorry we had already booked a vacation for that weekend and move on.  The wedding is different though as it the major event.  I am personally not a fan of engagement parties though so that colours my view, just get engaged and have a wedding already and stay married rather than have 10 different pre-wedding events.  Come to me after you have been married 10 years and brag about your marriage not before it even happens.

Wow thats harsh!  So an engagement party is bragging about your forthcoming wedding?  I thought it was a celebration of the forthcoming marriage.  You can decline to go if you don't like them.  As with all wedding and nonwedding events.  I am not fond of multiple gift giving events, but engagement parties, cocktail parties, bridesmaid luncheons, rehearsal dinners and post nuptial brunches are not gift giving occasions.

I very seriously doubt there is any correlation or causation between pre-wedding events and divorce.

[Hmmmmm]

I understand that other people don't always remember wedding anniversary dates (or birthdays, etc.), but, for me, it's stretching credulity to believe that BiL didn't remember that his own brother got married on May 11, and chose that date at random to have the engagement party and the wedding. I remember the wedding anniversaries of my grandparents, parents, and my two uncles, and I was only alive for the last two. Presumably, the BiL went to his brother's wedding, and the memory is still fresh in his mind, considering that it's been less than a year since it happened.

I don't know whether the brother and his intended chose the date for a nice or malicious reason, but it's certainly odd to choose that date without any reason related to family.

I don't find it odd at all.  My sister's and I always get into a disagreement on the date of our parent's anniversary, I know my oldest sister was married the end of July, not not the date, and next sister was married in April but can't remember the date, and 3rd sister was either married Nov 2 or 4th but can never remember which one. (Both dates stick out to me because 1 is her anniversary and the other was our GF's birthday, but I always have to ask.)  My niece was just married in February but I can't tell you the actual date even though I was at the wedding.  Some of us just aren't "dates" people.

[stitchygreyanonymouse]

As Lowspark mentioned, I’m hung up on the LW’s description of her husband’s response.

On one hand, I completely agree that chances could be that the BIL doesn’t realize that the LW’s anniversary is the 11th, and that he and his fiance are choosing a date that is special to them (explaining the 2 events), and there’s nothing wrong with choosing the same date as a family member (*in different years), considering how all the chips may fall when scheduling.

On the other, there really must be some backstory if the LW’s husband responded as she claimed instead of something like "Bro, I’m so happy for you, but you remember that LW and I got married on May 11th last year, right, seeing as you stood up for me? We already have plans this year, so we can’t make it to an engagement party on that date."

I would also guess it’s not significant to the DH and BIL’s family since DH could have also said something like that in his response.

(I understand some people are great with dates—in fact, I am for certain things, but I was also a bridesmaid for my sister, and can’t remember what day of July that was. It’s really not that hard to believe that the BIL could forget, even a year later.)

[bah12]

As Lowspark mentioned, I’m hung up on the LW’s description of her husband’s response.

On one hand, I completely agree that chances could be that the BIL doesn’t realize that the LW’s anniversary is the 11th, and that he and his fiance are choosing a date that is special to them (explaining the 2 events), and there’s nothing wrong with choosing the same date as a family member (*in different years), considering how all the chips may fall when scheduling.

On the other, there really must be some backstory if the LW’s husband responded as she claimed instead of something like "Bro, I’m so happy for you, but you remember that LW and I got married on May 11th last year, right, seeing as you stood up for me? We already have plans this year, so we can’t make it to an engagement party on that date."

I would also guess it’s not significant to the DH and BIL’s family since DH could have also said something like that in his response.

(I understand some people are great with dates—in fact, I am for certain things, but I was also a bridesmaid for my sister, and can’t remember what day of July that was. It’s really not that hard to believe that the BIL could forget, even a year later.)

I assumed that they didn't make an issue of it when he told them the dates because they really aren't planning on asking him to change it just because it happens to be their anniverary.  She's upset, but privately so...and her question is "what do we do about the wedding?"

[Sharnita]

The problem is DH publicly said they would work with the date even though it wasn't the best.  Privately upset or not I would say that there really is no question - they do what DH said they would do.  Now I am unclear if his comment also included the engagement party but it sounds like they have decided not to attend that regardless of whether his comment initially meant they would attend.

[magicdomino]

Has anybody else noticed that May 11, 2014 is Mother's Day?  Of course, they may not be using the real date.

For what it is worth, I can't remember anyone's actual anniversary.  My best friend got married (and widowed) in August, and my sister's second marriage was in December, because I wore a poinsettia red bridesmaid dress.  I think a nephew married in a warm month, because the photographer commented on how all of the related women wore bright colors.  That's it.